Boyfriend not the dad-can it still work?

[user1467619390]

Long time reader, first time poster. Sorry if it's a bit long. So it's a complicated one. We found out after my baby was born that she isn't my boyfriends. She's from a one night stand I had during a short breakup in our relationship. Unfortunately I believed all through the pregnancy that it was BFs so didn't say anything until I realized when she was born. I had used contraception with this guy and thought there was no way it could be his, but baby looks like him and nothing like BF. We've had massive arguments as you can imagine, and it's all my fault for not being honest in the first place. But we keep coming back to the fact that we love each other and we are both just so sad and disappointed that we don't have the family we thought we would have. We love the LO of course but when I look at her she reminds me of the other guy, and he can't look at her as his own, even though he spent 9 months waiting for her. I'm surprised he's still with me tbh. It's driving us both mad inside and we haven't been able to talk about it properly yet. No one else really knows. I want to know if there are fathers out there who have taken on someone else's baby as their own from birth, and how everyone coped with it, or not?

[Msqueen33]

None of my kids looked like my husband when younger. Nor are they similar to look at. Babies eyes start blue but can change. My eldest looks like my dad. Younger two look like me. Eldest has olive skin, blue eyes and is tiny. Middle has fair skin, blue eyes and white blonde hair, youngest has fair skin, blue eyes and dark blonde hair. My husband has blue eyes, black hair, very olive skin and is very unusual looking (people often think he's form abroad). A DNA test is your only answer basing on appearance is silly.

[Sparklesilverglitter]

i know, get a dna. I'll put the food down and insist on it.

Yes OP that's what you need to do. You both need to know for sure who the father is and you can't go on not knowing

[ChicagoBull]

This is crazy, my olive skinned brown eyed kids were born pink & blue eyed. Just get a test asap.
Your poor dp though...even if she is his

[Caterina99]

My DS is now 1. Looks nothing like DH and never has. He's like a mini version of my dad

[user1467619390]

I started to worry when DD was born and wasn't dark like DP. I figured dark genes were always dominant. If there had been no OM we would have joked about it and moved on. But because there was and it was weighing on my mind I told him. It may just be a coincidence that DD resembles OM, and over time I get that her appearance will change a lot.

It may sound like I'm making this up and I wouldn't blame anyone for thinking that, but it's causing a lot of mental anguish for both of us.

I know, get a dna. I'll put the foot down and insist on it.

[99percentchocolate]

Pressed send too soon!
Don't look much like one or the other parent yet. That develops over the whole of the first year.

[99percentchocolate]

My DD looked nothing like my DP when she was born and still doesn't. She is the absolute clone of me, just a bit fairer. If I wasn't 100% sure that he was the father then I would have panicked too. There really is nothing of him in her at all. She was born with blue eyes which are now brown.
My DS is 2 months like your DD. He was born with ginger hair and just in the last couple of days it has started to go brown. Neither myself or DP are ginger, but both are brown.
Get a DNA test - at this age babies don't look

[mouldycheesefan]

All this aggro could be for nothing. Get the test done, unless you enjoy the drama? It would seem strange for two months to go by and the test not to have been done.

[twinkletoedelephant]

I have twins that look nothing like either parent or each other.... only 1 has a passing resemblance to older sibling

Get a DNA it's the only way to know....

[LilacInn]

Nearly all babies have blue eyes. Mine were and now so dark brown nearly black.

Why did you jump the gun and tell your partner re the ONS? Because of eye color?!

DNA test takes only a cheek swab. Get it done.

[Scarydinosaurs]

Make no decisions until you are equipped with all the information. Do a DNA test.

[Butterworthbees]

Honestly if you used contraception with OM and you didn't with your dp I would be willing to bet money that your dp is the father.

Pretty much all babies are born with blue eyes and lighter skin that they end up with. You cant tell by looking at a 2 month old who is the dad between two essentially Caucasian men.

[Imknackeredzzz]

Your judging the paternity of a 2 month old baby on appearance?!! Really?!!
That's ludicrous

[WellErrr]

And skin colour. My DH and I both have olive skin, but babies were pink as piglets. They're definitely olive now though.

[WellErrr]

Yes eyes change colour in nearly all babies.

[user1467619390]

Thanks for all your responses. I know I fucked up, and I'm extremely lucky that he hasn't walked away. He seems to want to salvage the relationship and things are actually good between us at the moment, but obviously this is hanging over our heads and we need to do the test.

Re: facial features Etc., my OH is Southern European looking, black hair and eyebrows, light brown eyes, olive skin. I'm fairer, green eyes, light brown hair but also olivey skin. OM is fair skin, blue eyes and brown hair. DD has brown hair, blue/grey eyes atm and her skin is fair in some lights and olive in others. It's still changing. She resembles me as a baby and I think OM's but there's nothing of DP there (yet hopefully).

Can eyes go from blue to brown really? Does baby skin darken as they get older?

I know it's speculation and I know we need to do a test, but it's driving me mad in the meantime.

[VinoTime]

My DD looked like a Gremlin for the first 3-4 months, OP. Seriously. That didn't make Gizmo her dad.

Get the test done ASAP.

[Comiconce]

A two months old looks like a baby fgs. My first dc looked nothing like either me or my dh and still doesn't. Genes are funny that way. She is very much ours but has inherited traits from both families from way back.

So unless your one night stand was a distinctive different colouring e.g. African Caribbean (just as an example) and you and your bf are both very definitely very Caucasian for generations and our dd looks anything but Caucasian, THEN you may be right.

[WellErrr]

You need a test.

[Myfirstbornisacollie]

You really can't decide the paternity of an 8 week old on appearance! Talk to your partner, you really need to know before you start planning the future of your relationship and family.
Good luck

[LilacInn]

You have to get a test ASAP for her sake.

What is it that makes you think it's not his child? Facial features, hair/eye color? Or was your ONS a man of a different race or something where the paternity would be more glaringly obvious? If it's not the latter then it's pretty nuts to make all these assumptions about paternity without medical proof.

[EvansAndThePrince]

Ooh sorry Cory I didn't see your post, I've basically quilted you.

[EvansAndThePrince]

To be fair, if the little girl turns out to be his, I don't think you have "nothing to worry about". He's obviously very hurt by all this and the fact that she COULD have been someone else's, doesn't go away even if the DMA test comes back with the result that he is her father.

[corythatwas]

Your dh waited 9 months for a little daughter- there is nothing to say he cannot bring this girl up as his daughter if he still wants to and you salvage the relationship. Many men manage to bring up stepchildren as their own without a problem, many adoptive fathers manage it.

However, regardless of whether she is his daughter or not, there is one fact that won't go away and that is the fact that she could have been somebody else's and that you were not honest with him. That won't go away if the DNA test shows she is his. The one hurtful truth that matters is the one you have already told him. So the question here is, can he still salvage his relationship with you, knowing this?

If he can, then there is no reason why he can't love the baby as his own. However, the child will eventually have a right to know.

[Dozer]

You really fucked up by not telling him before, many men would find that impossible to forgive.

For the purposes of registering the name, didn't you already do this?

As Pps say, being "raw" is no reason not to crack on with the test. Nothing much can be resolved without it. Presumably the OM will comply if your DP won't.