My DD (3.5) just told me she doesn't like me

[Falcon1]

Was just reading my DD a bedtime story when she announced that 'I want Daddy, not you.' I asked her why and she said 'because I don't like you.' I was shocked and hurt but calmly asked her why and she went on to say 'I like you a bit but not sometimes'. When I asked her if she loves me, she said 'I like you a little bit.'

It really came out of the blue. We had a nice day today, no arguments (save for when I wouldn't let her have free rein with the pvc glue).

Am I justified to feel really upset by this? Or is it just a developmental thing? She's always been far more of a Daddy's girl and my husband and DD do have a very special bond, formed in large part when I was so ill during my second pregnancy (sick for 9 months). My second DD is 18 months now and I really felt like i had got back my bond with DD1. Although she often asks for DH rather than me, this is the first time she's said she doesn't like me.

I'm so hurt and feeling like a really crap mum.

[thescruffiestgiantintown]

This evening I had "well I don't love you!" from my 2.5yo after I had been telling her and her little brother how much I loved them both - first time she's said anything like that and I was surprised by how little it bothered me.

Five minutes later she said "Mummy I am Sooo happy whenever I'm with you" - heartwarming, but clearly as untrue as the first statement!

[MsGee]

For more reassurance - my 8 year old DD often tells me that she hates me, and is never going to cuddle me again. She tells me that DH is more fun and tells DH that she only wants me.

I also get told that I am mean, she has been known to sob dramatically and tell me to make mean mummy go away and get the nice one back.

I remember it used to upset me when she was a toddler. Honestly, it is water off a ducks back now.

[SnotGoblin]

OP yours is a late starter by all accounts if this is your first time or you are actually a much better mother than I am. Mine is almost 3.5 and I've been hearing about my shortcomings for quite a while.

The latest was a glorious fit of rage where she furiously told me 'YOU ARE A SILLY, SILLY MUMMY'.

[ohlittlepea]

My two year old says this sometimes, I just acknowledge it, 'you don't like me right now' no shock no upset, if she keeps saying it I just say 'its OK to feel that way, I still like me though, and I really like you' if she says it about others we talk about how that might make them feel. I think the least attention to it the better, they're only little it could be word play, power play or just experimenting with something to say. All are OK xxx

[rugbychick]

My dd, age4, says this to me often. I reply I still like and love her. I'm not upset about it at all

[LondonKiwiMummy]

Don't worry. I had a difficult second pregnancy, and my eldest actively shunned me. It was her way of showing her pain I wasn't always available. I was patient and it didn't last.

They will say worse things. I always just say well I love you, and it blows over.

[corythatwas]

I know I keep telling this story but when dd was about this age when she told me she didn't love me and didn't want me for a mummy any more. (can't remember what I had done but it was clearly unforgivable )

I did the usual best practice: "Never mind, darling, I love you and I will always be your mummy".

dd; "Not when I'm grown-up"

me: "Yes, even when you are grown-up. You may go and live in your own house, but I will always be your mummy".

dd (with great satisfaction): "No, you'll be dead by then."

me (muttering mutinously): "Don't you bank on it, my darling, don't you bank on it".

Dd is now grown up, I am in the pink of health and we are very, very close.

[Falcon1]

This is all enormously reassuring - thanks so much everyone.

[PlugUgly]

When my daughter told me she wished my friend was her mummy because she is pretty and has lovely blonde hair it felt like a punch in the guts! Isn't it an awful feeling! You feel SO crap. We laugh about it now( she's 21 ) and still looks shamefaced when we mention it!

[ThisFenceIsComfy]

My 3yr old DS said that I had no heart and all I did was hurt his feelings. Also I was NOT his best friend.

I didn't allow him to have crisps for breakfast, you see.

[Deaneancy]

My youngest cried her eyes out for her nanny yesterday and next child
Up said 'I understand, you wish nannys name was your mummy and I wish granny was my mummy, it's so sad I know how you feel'. He says dozens of other incredibly deep and cutting things to me on the reg. I'm lucky when I get 'I like you ten but everyone else one million'. It's shit, but it means very little. It's part of being a mum, everyone else is fun, let's them do what they want, spoils them etc so of course I'm the total devil in contrast. Agree with pp that you shouldn't take it to
Heart but also should make it clear that it isn't a very kind thing to say. i do this when they say cruel things but when it's things like 'I do love you but I love daddy best' I always say that's ok, I'll always love you the most it is possible to ever love a person type of thing. They shouldn't be guilted into loving me

[Lovelydiscusfish]

As others have said, I think it's perfectly fine to let her know that is a hurtful thing to say, otherwise how will she learn this?
But please don't worry, she doesn't mean it. My dd has told me she prefers her childminder to me before (actually, that may be true...)

[LadyCassandra]

Its really hard the first time they come out with stuff like that, but it gets easier. The first time they say "I hate you" cuts like a knife, but I have learnt to laugh now when DS says "I wish you weren't my mummy anymore" and resist the urge to say "so do I!"

[heyday]

Yes, their words can be quite fickle and shouldn't be taken too much to heart but boy, those cutting words can really hurt especially the first time they are encountered. Being a parent really is an emotional roller coaster at times.

[waitingforsomething]

Don't be upset! My 3.5 year old is always chucking this stuff about. Dh was working abroad last week and I got 'mum, it's okay when you read my story but I prefer dad because he's funnier and well, I just love him best. You should go away next time...!' Other times I'm her favourite and sometimes she loves us both the same! We ignore and tell her we both love her!!

[lenibose]

Meh. I wouldn't sweat it. Mine has said that once or twice. Along with 'I have 27 Mummies and you are my favourite.' Huh?! I just say, 'what a pity you don't. I always love you.' I do also remind him that we can love Mummy AND Daddy because our hearts are big enough. And seriously don't take it to heart.

[Teapot13]

When my DD says this, I say sadly, "Well, sometimes I don't like myself." It happens quite a bit.

Agree that it's fine to teach her this isn't a kind thing to say. I also manipulatively remind her of times when she really needs me -- she usually comes around.

[MyFriendsCallMeOh]

She's 3.5. It will get worse, trust me.

[lcoc2015]

My 2.5 year old tells me that at least once or twice a week!

[LyndaNotLinda]

it's a bit twee but she'll like it

[Falcon1]

Thanks Lynda, might have to buy that book. In fact, will order it now!

[LyndaNotLinda]

Was in a bit of a rush earlier but a few more things to add: I used to do a shocked face and say 'well, that's not very kind!' but then tell him that I loved him very much indeed and have a 'to the moon and back' conversation. (actually if you don't have that book - get it and then you can indulge in competitive loving which little children also love).

But it isn't a kind thing to say. And I think it's never too early to teach children that words can be powerful and hurtful and to be judicious about how they use them.

[alwaystimeforgin]

Totally normal. My DD went through a phase of saying she didn't like Daddy and wanted him to go away now she is a total Daddy's girl and they love spending time together. Meh, 3 year olds are fickle!

[NeedACleverNN]

Honestly...it happens


When I say to Dd that daddy is coming home from work her immediate response is "I don't like daddy"

Yet as soon as dh is through the door it's "daaaaaaaddy!!"

[phoolani]

Just that she didn't like you? Congratulations on getting to 3.5 without an 'I hate you, you're a big poo.' They are capricious and unfathomable at that age. Mine still are.