Conflict with DH about bringing up vegetarian baby

[MrsC16]

Hi all,

I'm new to MN so be gentle and excuse any acronym mistakes!

My DH and I are going to start TTC for our first child soon so and we had a discussion (fight) about how we would feed our child last night

I have been a vegetarian due to ethical and health reasons for over 10 years and he's very much a meat eater. We generally look after our own meals at home or he will eat what I eat sometimes and add meat to it himself - this will obviously become more complicated when we have a baby!

I can't see myself feeding our child meat as it would really upset me and bringing them up as a child who loves and respects animals and who doesn't see just see them as food (as DH does) is really important to me. DH adamantly disagrees, won't even entertain looking at any of the research I've done (which is extensive) re vegetarian/non-vegetarian diets (on both sides of the debate) and is adamant that he wants our child to eat meat.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and reached a compromise? Any advice would be much appreciated!

[Middleoftheroad]

I have been veggie since 15. When mine were born 10 yrs ago I had a very strict vision of what my twins would eat. As I would be cooking I knew a veggie diet was for us. But what worked for me in an adult world was harder for my kids. They became fussy eaters and I worried about protein. They wouldnt eat a rainbow pallet of fresh lovely vegetables. As they grew it became more restrictive - kids parties school lunches dining out etc became testing and they were ofren the odd ones out. I made a choice that in a kids world it was just easier to let them eat meat. At first they wouldnt but eventually they did and grew to love bbqs and school roasts. However because we did not offer them a broad pallet from a young age they are still fussy about certain meat. As a veggie it's been hard for me to prepare and to question ethically but I don't beat myself up about it now.

[Indantherene]

I would take issue with the pp who said meat eating was nutritionally sound. I have had cancer and latest research suggests the healthiest diet is actually vegan. (with zero sugar and processed foods, so not totally realistic for most people).

Anyway we brought up 4 DC pescetarian (we found eating out/parties etc much easier once we introduced fish). DC1 has tried meat as an adult but gone back to pescetarian, DC4 is mainly vegetarian and the other 2 are now meat eaters. No problems in changing diet.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I have had friends who have been in the same position, and the mother fed vegetarian food and the father meat/veggie mix and they're letting the daughter decide when she's older.

[SpeakNoWords]

Hmm. I'm one of those weird vegetarians who imposes their beliefs on their children!

I'm vegetarian and have been for about 25 years, my DP is not vegetarian. However, what makes life easier is that he used to be vegetarian for a fair while, and is quite happy and grateful to eat whatever I decide to cook for him. He's also educated enough about food & nutrition to know that meat isn't an essential part of anyone's diet. So he isn't concerned about our children having a vegetarian diet. There's no way that I could buy meat, handle it or cook it for other people, given that I'm a vegetarian. As I do all the cooking, that means we are a vegetarian household. DP sometimes buys his own meat to add to his meal, and will often choose to eat meat when not at home.

At the moment, you're stuck in a difficult place as your DH won't even engage with you about this. If he's adamant that he wants any children to eat meat, he's going to need to be able to at least explain his reasoning to you. And also be in a position to cook for the children on a regular basis, as he can't expect you to handle and cook meat when your position is clear and well explained. Is he going to take shared parental leave from when the baby is 6 months so that he can do weaning? Will he change his work hours so that he can be there to cook evening meals and prep any packed lunches? If he is adamant that any children must eat meat, then surely all of that is reasonable?

(Raising your child as vegetarian will in no way lead to them having food intolerances later in life, btw.)

[INeedNewShoes]

I wouldn't want my kids to be deprived of a whole set of foods that have proven nutritional value.

I would want my kids to be able to partake fully all that's on offer at school dinners and at parties.

It wouldn't surprise me if children forced to be vegetarian end up being quite resentful of their parents.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I think you need to accept that as you have married a meat eater, he'll want to bring his children up to eat meat until they decide for themselves otherwise.

[SpeakNoWords]

Fortunately "meat" is not a whole set of foods, it is one source of protein and not the only source by any manner of means.

I'll let you know in about 10 years how much my children resent me for inflicting a vegetarian diet on them! Poor things.

Also, my DS has never had a problem at parties and with food at nursery/school. Most nurseries and schools are accustomed to different food requirements what with religiously prescribed diets, food allergies and the like.

[needfemaleadvice]

I sympathise with op and I admire you for being vegetarian. Unfortunately in the environment we live in... Our vegetables are sprayed with poison to keep animals away then waxed to look perfect... Our meet has mundo amounts of antibiotics and hormones pumped to make them fatter and gain more for the farmers and cheaper insurance. My theory is everything in moderation.

I don't know the right answer to your problem but I think a bit of give and take may be necessary. You're not wrong for your child to be healthy in the manner you see fit.

[Pyjamas18]

(Changed my username - it is the OP here!)

Wow - thank you all so much for responding and giving your views, I really appreciate it as this is a subject which is dear to my heart!

DH and I just had another much more rational conversation about it to reach a compromise and basically they will eat veggie food when I'm preparing and eat meat when he's preparing and he's now fine with them having a veggie diet during the week. He is also fine with me making sure our kids know where meat comes from and raising them to love and respect them.

We both knew that this issue would come up before we got married but it's one of those things that's easy to work around when it's just the two of us fending for ourselves for dinner!

I know it may seem silly that we were arguing about this before even getting pregnant, but I'm glad we had the argument and resulting rational discussion as it's an issue that will affect our daily lives. And I'd much rather have them now in a quiet house before we're stressed out by parenthood!

[Buggers]

Glad you have sorted it out. Like I say if you wanted to balance it out go for the cruelty free products. List here if your interested www.crueltyfreekitty.com/companies-that-test-on-animals/

[NicknameUsed]

Great result

"Also, my DS has never had a problem at parties and with food at nursery/school"

That isn't DD's experience in general. She is pescatarian and in year 11 and on second dinners at school and often finds that the veggie options are the first to go. I still think that vegetarians are under catered for in general.

[Pyjamas18]

Oooo thanks for the link Buggers!

Yes - it's not the perfect result for either of us, but it's the closest we'll get and I'm happy we're both listening We're newlyweds, so still finding our way!

[DrWhy]

Glad it's all settled. DH is a pescitarian and has been since he was 10 just because he doesn't like meat. He now can't tolerate it at all, I'm fussy about meat and only eat locally produced welfare friendly meat and probably less than once a week. We've agreed that the baby (I'm pregnant) will be raised with meat, welfare friendly and local again so that it doesn't develop any intolerance and then given the chance to make its own choice. It will probably actually require us to buy and cook more meat than we do now!

[RaeSkywalker]

Glad you've resolved it!

I'm currently pregnant with DC1, and am veggie. DH isn't. We have agreed that we will offer meat but always be honest about what it is (not in a brutal, graphic or preachy way, just factual). We decided this in part because my cousin won't tell her 5 year old daughter that ham and sausages are made from animals, even though her daughter asks. I think that this is wrong. Children should know where their food comes from in an age appropriate way.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I hope you resolve all your issues as quickly OP

[corythatwas]

clank2, is it really a brilliant idea to start weaning by introducing so many sweet things? Considering how much sugar there is out there and what a serious health threat it is, I would have thought the last thing you would want is to get your baby used to the idea that ordinary mealtimes mean a sweet taste.

What's wrong with ordinary old-fashioned root vegetables? Way better for the environment, too. I would suggest that if the majority of your or your baby's diet involves air miles, then consideration of the needs of the planet (=non-cruelty to animals and people) are not on the top of your agenda. .

[corythatwas]

Sorry, missed the name-change. Sounds absolutely solomonic, OP: with that attitude of mutual respect and communication I think you will make great parents.

[squizita]

I think whoever is making the food will decide.

This, then let them make their mind up (respectfully - no dodgy FB meme bullshit from either side) when they're more aware/older.

[C8H10N4O2]

FWIW We were in the same position - one veggie one meatie. If DH is concerned about nutrition then its best to address that directly. The children will decide for themselves when they get older whichever diet you give them as kids - no idea why people would think you are limiting their life choices by not giving them meat as children.

Healthwise - a diet mostly plant based scores highest but the odd frozen dinner or small amounts of meat are unlikely to kill them. Similarly you might find a compromise on fish. I compromised on living with a meat eating partner, he compromised on agreeing meat from known sources/free range at least, even if it meant buying less and stretching it further.

Our kids were raised veggie, are disgustingly healthy and have elected to remain that way despite MiL trying to undermine at every opportunity. They have many friends raised veggie for a variety of reasons all of whom have miraculously grown up healthy.

It was never particularly an issue at children's parties, schools etc - veggie kids (for whatever reason) are not uncommon. I also never made a big deal of it if they picked up a ham sandwich or sausage at a party by mistake (or accidentally on purpose to experiment).
The two pieces of eating advice from my parents that I tried to follow religiously was (1) give them what I ate as far as possible - don't create a 'child menu' (2) try really hard not to react when they have faddy phases or reject your lovingly prepared special meal (see point 1).
I didn't always succeed with (2) but as adults the kids tell me they remember their friends' being giving 'child food' whilst they were 'allowed' to eat raw mushrooms and cold leftover curry from the fridge or whatever the adults ate. They have mercifully forgotten that the same technique conned them into thinking they were winning the toddler-supermarket battle when I oh-so-reluctantly allowed them to have a slice of wholemeal bread when hungry whilst secretly praying they wouldn't wise up and scream for crisps...

One thing you will need to agree on - don't allow the situation where one side is 'treat food' and the other becomes 'functional food' or ever let food be used as battles between the two of you. Try to keep meat as something one of you eats, meat free is what the other eats and that is the end of it. If DH is going to give them meat then agree that it would be meat curry/casserole just as you might cook veggie curry/casserole and not 'meat is weekend treats - burgers inna bun with chips' - I've seen a few mixed parents fall into that and regret it.

[Wolfiefan]

That sounds very sensible OP. I understand that this is important to you.
Hoping you can solve all your issues as parents as quickly. Oh trust me. There will be issues!

[houseeveryweekend]

I think you should point out to your partner that it is likely to have a worse psychological effect on your child to be brought up eating meat until able to choose because if your child does share your views (which they are quite likely to, just as likely as they are to share his) then he/she will be distraught at the thought of all the dead animals he/she has happily eaten up until that point.
That wouldnt be the case if the child is brought up veggie and when old enough decides to eat meat like his/her dad.
At the end of the day who is the one going to be feeding the child mostly when its small? If that will be you then you dont have much to worry about as he has no right to ask you to prepare meat.
I think people who arent vegetarian dont understand that sometimes vegetarianism is a moral choice unlike eating meat which is just a choice, its not usually a deep seated belief that meat is good and vegetables bad. Thats why it is alot different to force someone who believes meat is wrong to have any part in buying meat. The person who eats meat probably eats vegetables as well anyway so they would not be forced to buy something they dont morally agree with whilst shopping with a vegetarian.
No one should be forced to eat anything they dont morally agree with or forced to feed it to their baby.
You dont have any right to control what he feeds to your baby either but i think you do have a right to try and explain to him how it would make you feel.
xx

[blueberryporridge]

I agree with houseeveryweekend. For me being vegetarian is a moral choice and as a vegetarian since the age of 12 I will not buy or cook meat. My DH, who was a meat-eater when we met, agreed to become vegetarian because he respected my feelings, and we are bringing up our children as vegetarians too. As long as they live with me they will not have meat at home and I will not buy them meat when we are out.

They know my reasons for being vegetarian. It will obviously be up to them to choose what they want to eat once they are grown up and living elsewhere although I hope that they will want to continue to be vegetarian.

Being vegetarian has never been a problem for my children. There are always vegetarian options at parties etc, and they seem to be thriving on their diet.

I think it is a shame when vegetarian parents feel browbeaten by their meat-eating partners into feeding their children meat. A vegetarian diet is not going to harm a child in any way, and is probably going to be healthier as long as it is balanced. Far better in my view to follow a vegetarian diet and let the child decide if he/she wants to eat meat once he/she is old enough to make his/her own decision.

[Cineraria]

Interesting to hear all the different decisions and compromises people made.

We had a similar debate before we bought a house together as we knew children were part of a longer term plan. I was glad we knew what our decision was before we went into any big commitment together.

Our decision was that the children would be veggie until they are old enough to deal fully with their own toiletting, as I'd be doing more of the child care and wasn't happy to deal with meat at either end of the digestive system. After that, they will still be offered vegetarian meals in the same way but can eat meat when the opportunity presents itself, e.g. restaurants, other people's homes, if DH cooks (or more likely heats up a ready meal!) from time to time or has meat to add to what I'm offering, also when they are old enough to cook themselves.

We have a 7 mo now and DH seems really proud of how healthy and well he is on the food I make and loves it when we are all eating the same food together, so has quite a few veggie meals himself. The other day he held up our son and said to me "Isn't to amazing to think that he is all made of love and vegetables!"