15 year old step son HELP NEEDED!!

[UrMyAngelEyes]

HI, I'm new here. At my wits end and need some help.
As title says step son is now 15. I've been with his dad since he was 10ish. Things have got so much worse over last few months. I've had to start to refuse to do his washing because there is always lumps of poo in his boxers, its been that bad sometimes its even on the waist band of his trousers. I had a chat with his dad and he said he's always done it, dont no y he's tried to get it sorted but step son dont care.

His room is a pig sty. I wont change his bed because i cant get to it there's so much stuff all over the floor. rubbish every where down behind units under bed shoved in wardrobe where he's been told to clean up. I get told this is normal for a boy his age???

Last night after he had been in the loo I went in and had to go find his dad to tell him that there was poo on the floor in 3 places. He went mad told me not to touch it and got step son to go clean it up. He asked how on earth did u do that, all we get is a shrug and I dont no.

He keeps turning the heating off in his room (I put it on 2 just to take the chill out up to him if he wants to sit in a fridge) so he gets bad condescension on windows, so today while out I brought a interior dehumidifier to see if that will help. when I was looking for somewhere to put it I found mould growing on the walls, window sill and net curtains.

I feel like I'm nagging to bf all the time about step son. I tell step son to sort his room out but he dont listen, I told bf today about mould and i hate having to keep nagging and I feel like a idiot because I try and do nice things for him ie buy him new trainers when he needs them, brought yet another xbox one battery charger thing, ipad charger the list goes on. I feel gutted cuae he just dont care ad has no respect for anything anyone buys him. I treat my son (whos 8) and step son the same I buy one I buy the other.

I'm at my wits end and really dont know what to do . So if there is anyone out there plz help!!!

[UrMyAngelEyes]

Hi ladies. Doc said he doesnt think theres any medical issues which is good. Rooms still clean ish. Starting to slip. But im shocked it stayed clean this long lol

[LeaLeander]

oP you sound like a saint. Any update?

[Imeg]

That does sound positive that he can see the advantage to him in keeping his room clean.
Another thing I was going to say was that although I know it's sensitive in stepfamilies, an 8 year old and a 15 year old will need different approaches sometimes. eg the 15 year old might have an allowance to buy his own clothes/shoes etc but you might buy them for the 8 year old. I know it's tricky though when you're trying to demonstrate that they're equal.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

Thanks hun. Today i made both boys bedroom tasks posters so they both know what they have to do. And ss asked if he keeps his room clean as there will be room can he hace a chair to sit in while playing xbox. Told him dont see y not so hopefuly he will work towards keeping room clean. So thats positive to.

Thanks again

[Imeg]

I'm glad you've had a bit of positivity over the weekend. I'm sure there will be ups and downs but hope the GP is helpful.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

I have ocd so will never be to my stanard lol. But yes deff looks good 😊
I had a deal with him. If he keeps it clean ill give him the battery thing for xbox if room gets messy ill have it back lol.

Thanx hun. His doc is mine and they are really good so fingers crossed x

[TeenAndTween]

Room looks good to me.
Hope the doctor's apt goes well.
Hope it is a sympathetic GP who can encourage your DSS to open up.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

Well he done his room so shows he can. Not to my standard but its deff 100% better. 😊 Both me and his dad prasied him for doing it. I put up a extra coat hanger for all his silly hoodies and i even got to change the bed lol.

Docs app booked for next week. Not told ss yet. His dad does get him to clear it up if any mess. He tells him im not his slave and im deff not sorting thst out.

Thanks everyone for ur support. Did think maybe i was being to tuff on ss. Glad others feel the same.

[eastmidswarwicknightnanny]

Good luck just keep doing what you're doing and hopefully he will get some professional help to manage his health issues whether they be mental or physical or both.

It maybe the poo thing is his way with coping and you have to come up with a plan for example OK you are going to poo in your pants therefore you empty it in the toilet handwash them before they go in the machine make him responsible same as smearing say I understand you need to do this the bleach or antibac is kept here we expect yputo clean it immediately.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

Spoke to other half. He agrees. Enough is enough so hes going to make a appointment :) we will see what doc has to say be4 social services. Ie poo issues.

I treat him as my own. When i buy my son i always buy him something. Ive told him ill go without so they can have the things they want/need. I think hes begining to see thats true. Also told him ill do anything i can for them all we ask is repect and considerion.

On plus side he cleaned his room. He got a full black bin bag of rubbish out. And he said "i see what u mean about te mould. Irs worse than i thought" thats hopefuly a good sign 😆

[eastmidswarwicknightnanny]

I agree with tween and would initially be seeking a refferal to the school nurse not the school first aid person but a qualified school nurse tend to be employed by the local NHS trust but some areas now have private companies taken over but its free universal service for all school abed children. School or your gp will know who yours is they will have some specialized mental health and contyinence training and be ablke to do an assessment and if beyond their level of expertise refer onto somewhere likes Camhs

This needs professional input so far down the line you are notgoing to solve it and rightly or wrongly in his head you maybe part of the problem (in showing you care as to him a mother figure doesn't put him first from his experience)

The poo aerpund toilet sounds like he is soiling and smearing.

Good luck

[RockNanny]

You could be right UrMyAngelEyes. When you go back to live with your parent/parents the old family dynamics tend to return . However, his son's best interests should have been paramount really.

Good luck with the doctor's appointment! I also think it might be an idea to approach social services to have your SS assessed. Saying this with his best interests in mind.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

She prob has RockNanny, Think he found it difficult when living at his mums because it was her house and his son. I don't no. All I know is what's happened since living together.

Like i said he has no contact with mum. Don't have any idea where is she. His dad does want to get to the problem of it it's just making that difficult call to doc's and getting ss to go. I can go to doc's with them but think ss will close up even more as i'm there.

Going to sit down tonight and chat with other half about calling doc's. Fingers crossed.

[amarmai]

there's something missing in this ,op. His mother and father have to know about it- everyone does in fact . Your p's mother dealt with it but kept it from the father=makes no sense. No-one is willing to explain why it is happening - but there is a reason .Is there some secret here? No partent wd not want to ge t to the bottom of this. Spina Bifida cc have this problem and i'm sure there are other natural conditions . Or has some accident or assault caused it? Can you insist that your p and you go to the dr with him and that you are included in the feedback? Can you persuade your's mother to tell you what she knows? Or the boy's mother? They must know why as he is 15 and it's a huge problem for the boy.

[RockNanny]

I completely agree with SitsOnFence and I feel sorry for your SS too UrMyAngelEyes. I think it's admirable that your partner's mother tried to get to the bottom of your SS's soiling problem but I don't think she was right not to involve your partner. Makes me wonder if she has protected him from other difficulties in life that he should have been tackling himself. Perhaps this is why he is so laid back. Perhaps he is just not being responsible enough because he is used to someone else dealing with the difficult stuff. Just be careful that you aren't stepping into his mother's shoes, so to speak . I am pleased that you read the stuff I linked to.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

Stubborn is more like it lol. His dad says i'm like a dog with a bone when something winds me up lol.

I look at it that I want to be with his dad then I take him on to and the same with my son and partner, Thank u SitsOnFence. Think ss will disagree lol.

I'm not sticking up for him but his dad does try. Think he doesn't I where to start and it's ok to say take him to the doc's but we all know what it's like getting a kid to do something they don't want to. SS is better off with his mum out his life, she was a selfish person that needs to grow up and put her child be4 herself!!

I did tell ss that if it's a case of the boys having what they want/need over me they come 1st but they also have to respect and earn things. so i'm hoping that he will see that I will do anything I can for him and that me nagginbg is cause I care and want him to have a better life.

[SitsOnFence]

I understand it must be hard for him but at the same time it's hard on us to. I no that sounds cold. 90% of the time thats how i feel cause i have to keep getting on at him about it all

Of course you feel that way, you must have the patience of a saint! But despite how you feel, you write compassionately about him and are prepared to take on responsibility where other family members won't. I think you sound like a good step mum

I just feel so sad that he's got to 15 with no one really making much of an effort to fix this. I don't mean you. I mean his mum and dad.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

I feel really bad getting on to his dad but he does need to step up and not be so bloody laid back all the time. I also get that he wouldn't want me to take him to doc's.
I dont no Rocknanny prob not. He was seeing them because his mums issues, and the swap over to living with his dad. I did read link and some of it fits.

SitsOnFence. Yes they did used to live with each other when they were a couple and his dad had him every weekend after they split. Think ss was around 4 when they split and prob properly started. Partner is so laid back and up till us moving intoghter last year they lived with partners mum and she would never tell partner what was going on. Don't no y, but she did try and get to bottom of y.

I understand it must be hard for him but at the same time it's hard on us to. I no that sounds cold. 90% of the time thats how i feel cause i have to keep getting on at him about it all

[SitsOnFence]

What a difficult situation you are in. I really think your partner should be taking the lead on the soiling and booking a doctor's appointment for him. It's a sensitive issue and I have some sympathy with him not wanting his step mum to take him! In your shoes I would probably phone and ask to speak to a GP (you'll probably need to wait for them to call you back), or even book an appointment to talk to them about him, give them some background and agree a strategy to get him seen. Ideally your partner would play an active role in this, but I think you'll have to press on regardless if not. After all, your step son's mother might have neglected him for his first 7 years (assuming they never lived together), but it does not sound like your partner has really done much to correct this in the 8 years that he has had him, bar his conclusion that he is simply 'lazy'.

If there is a physical condition behind this you could find that his 'laziness' and anti social ways improve once the condition can be better managed.

If the soiling is the result of psychological factors, you might find that other undesirable traits disappear as these are addressed.

Either way, it can't be good for his self esteem and will start to impact his options for his future, adult life very soon. Plus it's horrible for you all to live with.

Good luck.

[RockNanny]

TeenAndTween, I think you and I are on the same page (literally AND figuratively !). My nephew was originally diagnosed with Dyspraxia when he was a young boy. More recently he was told he was borderline AS. My sister has problems with him keeping his room clean and tidy and he's a hoarder, including bags of sweets which she sometimes has to retrieve and throw away as they are past their best (he loves bargains and often buys in bulk). UrMyAngelEyes, you say he had a social worker but was this person knowledgeable in autistic spectrum conditions? Saying that though, having read the article I gave you the link to and having read what you said about your SS being clean sometimes, makes me more convinced that he might be suffering with Encopresis. It could even be both as that would also make sense.

[wannabestressfree]

I really doubt that's it to be honest. And I agree with others that his dad needs to take him to the doctors for his own sake...my DS1 had issues with loo roll so his pants could be 'interesting' as a teenager. I also have had issues with toilet refusing with leads to impaction.
Its not a 'black cat' situation. You are his mum really and he needs your help and his dads.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

He wouldnt go to docs with me and if his dad says he will take him he just looks at him strange. I get hes had bad things happen. So have i. I lost my 1st born at 29hes old and then my dad died. I hsve mental probs but i dobt do that in my pants. Even his dad has said its just leaving going to loo to late cause hes lazy.

[TeenAndTween]

Just because he can not soil for a week at a time, doesn't mean he can stop completely if there is an emotional trigger behind it. (see below) I'm really not an expert at this, but I do know that neglected/abused children (as it now seems he was) can and do soil for all sorts of reasons even well after the neglect/abuse has ceased.

Has he ever had any counselling/support regarding his earlier years?

I do just find it so hard to believe that a 15yo would soil himself completely out of choice iyswim?


re stopping for a short time only. If it takes a lot of brain capacity / mental energy to stop himself, he may only be able to keep it up for a short time. AngelEyes says I must not .... But then he's tired or stressed or whatever and can't help but slip back into the old pattern.

[UrMyAngelEyes]

amarmai. Totaly agree. I think he's lying cause when he has done something u can smell it a few feet away.

Kate7590. When we have threatened ss he stops it for a week or so, so we no that he can stop.
I don't even have poo issues off my 8 year old never have so deff not having it off a 15 year old!!. I bit my tongue until we moved in with each other but not carrying on like this.

Kinkytoes. His dad has been told he is fine mentally as had social works not long be4 we started seeing each other.

Kinkytoes and TeenAndTeen. No contact with mum. His dad got custody when ss was around 7 cause she wouldn't put him 1st and look after him. She was up the pub every night till closing, drunken fights with her husband drug feeding him take away every night etc. so his dad took him and unlucky for him now has me as a step mum.

If soiling was a medical issue wouldn't it happen all the time?? He seems to be able to stop it when he wants.

Told him no plates etc in room he has to earn the trust back. (Only prob with that is he buys his own food and will eat more crap.) and if mess carry's on he will have no food at all in room. We all had a chat and I said that is all I ask the boys to do, keep room clean so i can go in push hoover round and dust. They don't do anything else, and if a 8 year old can do it so can he. He said he will do room tomorrow. so we will see.

I did think that about basket in room, I put machine on a rinse wash after I wash his things so wouldn't be any-more work. prob be less in fact cause I wouldn't have to sort bits out.

Thank's Girl's for all advice. x