competitive parenting: how to cope?

[Focusfocus]

I'm the mum of a 10 week old baby - first baby. He's a lovely little fella. He's EBF and cruising along the 25th centile since birth. Coping, gurgling, laughing and doing mini push ups all the time :-)

I've recently had to deal with very competitive ILs. ILs have from pregnancy advised me about the superiority of formula milk in helping babies gain weight - and been very sceptical of any other feeding method. My lovely DH and I have managed to set this aside but it has been chipping away at my morale because all babies in ILs family are on the minimum 91st centile and this has been repeatedly used to speak about the superiority of one feeding method over another.

Our baby is not on the 91st centile. And my SIL in particular has not let this go. Every time we have met she has compared her baby (who went from 9th centile to 98th centile in 4 months) and ours. Quite a few times I have been upset on the way home. I've found myself weighing him fort nightly or weekly when I really don't need to. I am very aware of weight being one of many indicators and even weights wise the little chap is fine.

Yesterday it came to a head. She came and told us that our baby is very small. If we are sure of his age. She can't remember hers ever being that small. DH pointed out that he's cruising along his 25th centile line. She immediately pointed out that hers has jumped 4 centile Lines in four months and has enough weight for the both of them. When anyone coos over ours saying for example oh what lovely little fingers he's got she says but they're so skinny, someone says he's got a lovely chin, she says mine has two!!

This is just one instance. There are so many DH And I were counting yesterday. But yesterday it was the last straw. Breastfeeding is hard. It's been smooth for me but it is physically demanding. I have no family of my own anywhere in this continent. If my family in law can't support my feeding journey that's fine but to repeatedly run it down or compare babies is beginning to make me look at my own son - my beautiful perfectly healthy progressing little chap - and see what SIL is asking me to see - a too small, too little baby.

Any advice? I'm a very non confrontational person. I also don't speak very much in social settings. Professionally I'm the opposite. Personally SIL especially is becoming someone I'm dreading meeting.

[whaleshark]

I think you are going to have to learn to ignore her. You know your DS is doing fine, and it will not end with size. From what you have said about her comments about sleep, hers is going to eat, sleep, grow develop better than yours, for the next 18 years or so. All you can do, is distance yourself, and remember how proud you are of your DS. The issue is all hers. Rise above it, and do not let it get to you!

[daluze]

Focus, I saw a few of your threads, and I think you really need a confidence boost. Distancing from the unhelpful people is one step, the other would be to find other mummies you can meet and chat about anything. Can you look for local mums meet ups, NCT often organises them (you don't need to be member), or go to some baby classes/groups? Seeing more babies in various shapes and sizes, doing different things at different pace will make you see a range of normal (rather than know theoretically).
Or even look for more parent oruentated classes where you can take your baby along - yoga, pilates, photography - anything which would distract you.

[GoldPlatedBacon]

My sil is like this. For some reason she seems to think she is the better parent and determined to give me advice despite me never once asking for any. It's got to the point where I feel that I can't really talk to her at all as no matter what I say/do she can't resist telling me what she does and therefore is more superior to me. I've found the best approach is to either just ignore or shut her down immediately - it depends on the situation.

I find sil very patronising, I'm quite tempted sometimes to ask her why she thinks I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm doing wrong but this will just play into her hands and give her the opportunity she desperately wants and give a lengthy explanation as to why her style of parenting is the best.

It's all very boring tbh, the best advice I can give is limit contact. I only see sil when I have to.

[SerenityReynolds]

As previous posters have said, it's more important for babies to stay on or around the centile they were born on. Excessive weight gain or loss from that is the thing that is not ideal.

Next time they mention it just inform them that your HV/doctor has no worries and is happy with how your DS is doing, thanks for their concern. Your DH needs to have a word with them I think. You are doing a great job btw.

[Youarentkiddingme]

The point of centile charts is to make sure the child is growing at a steady rate. It's jut meant to show where a child is compared to a selection of 100 of same age.

I'd point out to SIL that going from 25th to 98th means that in 4 months he's out on more weight than is to be expected and therefore her feeding methods clearly aren't superior!

It's like the uk average dress size is a 16. But if we fed all the size 6-14s high fat foods to make them 'average' then the average would increase.

Sorry to hear your SIL is being so draining - it's not easy when you are meant to be enjoying those first few months.

[Chopz]

Also she clearly has issues with her own weight and is projecting the weight issues on to both the babies. These are her problems and hang ups. Nothing to do with you. Next time Can you say that you don't want to discuss weight as you'd like to talk about other things.

[Chopz]

She's hugely hung up on wanting to BF and spends her time justifying her decision to formula feed. Hence putting your baby weight/methods down.

Why did she formula feed for weight loss? Is she doing shakes?

With babies Bigger isn't better. Bigger isn't healthier. Being force fed is a fast route to future food issues. A baby should stop eating when it wants.

[ZenNudist]

Right I think you're going to need a longer term strategy here. She is clearly an insensitive bitch. She is probably projecting her own insecurities about not bf and presumably HV will be speaking to her about her baby's weight gain. It sounds very concerning to jump through the centiles like that, particularly if over feeding.

She's clearly a dominant type and happy to put others down. She's a bully. You are lacking in confidence (it sounds) and also presumably a polite well socialised person who doesn't want to tell her to do one. I think FIL is a plank And you just have to ignore him as he's an older man and doesn't have a clue, will just be parroting his dd and proud of his dgc.

I think nod and smile is a good non- confrontational tactic but you'd have to have enough confidence in your own parenting to know she's not right and keep doing it your own way.

She is going to get worse. I'd get your dh to have a word. Arm him with facts about benefits of bf over ff. reiterate that bigger is not better but that it's more normal to stay on same centile and no cause for worry. He probably needs to tell her that if she's planning in years and years of 'my dc are better than your dc' it's going to spoil any family time you do have and make family get togethers less frequent.

In short, she needs to grow up.

[GingerIvy]

Smile, nod, and ignore only go so far. My ex had a sibling that was competitive and overbearing. Smile, nod, and ignore only furled her to further heights. The only thing that stopped her in her tracks on any given occasion was to call her on her behaviour right there and then.

[Tinseleverywhere]

I would say your in laws are a bit old fashioned and obsessed with things that we now know are not that good for babies. Nowadays most people don't aim to fatten their babies up (unless on medical advice) and most people aren't trying to get the baby sleeping for 12 hours a night as soon as possible.

[Mehitabel6]

I never understand why people have to be unpleasant back- it is all so unnecessary when you can just 'smile, nod, ignore'. You and your baby are going to have these people in your lives and their is no point in having aggro.
Your SIL is insecure - prove that you are secure and happy by ignoring- entering dialogue only proves that you are equally insecure.

[GingerIvy]

If she asks anymore questions about the baby, just say "look lets just cut to the chase here. You go ahead and say whatever ridiculously critical thing you are just dying to say and get it over with so I can get back to ignoring you and your competitive nasty behaviour."

[Finola1step]

From your last post. This sounds like your SIL makes these comments because she is very insecure about herself as a parent. By putting you down, she thinks she looks all knowing in the eyes of others. Your SIL is probably scared that people will see her for what she is - a mum who is bumbling along and not really knowing what she is doing, just like the rest of us.

Distance right now would be good.

[Finola1step]

You are doing a fab job. But I will say this now, you and especially your dh need to develop some very quick put downs. This needs nipping in the bud. This is mostly at your dh's door as it is his family. Fast forward 5 years and it will be SIL comparing reading book levels, how many party invites etc etc.

I feel really sorry for your SILs baby. That baby is being taught at a very young age not to listen to her own body and drink/eat everything she is given. Sounds like a very rocky road to me. Every time your SIL says anything about your baby just remember that poor little (or not so little) one. But don't stoop to her level and make remarks about her baby.

You are doing just right. Stop weighing and enjoy your baby. Both of mine were ebf for the first couple of months and then mixed fed. They both stayed along the 50th all the way through. Probably still are now. Your SIL's baby is as big as she is simply because she is being overfed to suit the needs of her parent. Poor baby.

[NancyDroop]

As a mum of a 2 yo with challenging ILs - unfortunately this is the start of comments about all your parenting. The only way to stay sane is to ignore the content, (try to feel) & project confidence, set boundaries, have stock responses and limit contact to what you can manage.

Give it a few months OP. I'm sure you'll find your own parenting mojo. I felt very vulnerable the first few months but can now happily tell people to f off with their advice (through much more polite, stock responses).

Congratulations on your baby

[Focusfocus]

About three weeks ago when DS was 6 weeks and s few days she asked me if he was sleeping through yet. I said no he was feeding a few times in the night and she said hers slept through by then. At which point DH Said something about breastfeeding and night hormones and the baby digesting BM quicker and needing to feed to build my supply

She told him "well I've got breastfeeding friends and nobody has said that they're having problems sleeping" we kept quiet but a couple of mins later she told me "it's a bit of a sore topic I really wanted to bf but Weight loss became a medical concern with both and I feel bad". So I immediately reassured her that her kids are doing fantastically and she's made the right choice for herself and them as vest she could.

DH has spoken to his mum about it and last night he and I decided distance from SIL is the best way and we won't be seeing them v often at the moment

[KP86]

This isn't exactly helpful now, but can I say that skinnier babies tend to be physically more advanced than bigger ones. So yours will probably roll, crawl and walk sooner than SIL. Use that to poke in her face when the time comes. Just as childish as her behaviour but might make you feel better one day!

Until then, I agree with those above who have said it is actually much healthier for the baby to stay on the same centile line. Two movements either way is cause for concern, especially in formula-fed babies. Does SIL's baby have the same height/head ratio or are those more average? Is your baby on the same line for each (ie. 25th centile for all three)?

Even so, in five years this will not matter in the least. Keep breastfeeding as long as it works for you and baby. Its easier, cheaper, better for the environment and always available!

[wetsnow]

Horrid in laws.
Everyone has said what I would but adding my support. You are doing an amazing job. Ignore your sil how dare she make you feel so bad.

[comeagainforbigfudge]

"Course he's small. He's 10 weeks old dear SIL" is the answer. Or "who needs body pump when you have such a big baby, eh" or something similar*

Honestly, I FF (on demand with unfinished bottles or ones drained depending on, well, baby) and DD is currently trundling along on her own curve about 45th centile. With her height being on 75th. She has a long neck so always looks much skinnier next to other babies of same age.

*I have made the body pump gag about my own wee one. As to me she's heavy I'm a weakling

[AlanPacino]

My ebf ds was always around the 2nd centile. I suspect he still is now many years later. In a room of 100 babies one of them would be one the 2nd centile and one on the 98th. I think your inlaws understanding of the charts is very poor. If you had a room of 100 adults it would be worrying if most were in the 75-100th centile. (In reality too many adults in such a room would be further up the centiles and that's not good. Carrying too much weight is medically harmful, and I say that as one of the 'too heavies')

[Nanofone]

A breast feeding support group is a really good idea. Can you find an online group? I know my DD found it a life line - much like Mumsnet there's always someone available to give moral support.

[Duckdeamon]

Had a great antenatal class where we discussed others' attitudes to breastfeeding that covered stuff like this: it was really interesting.

I had to have a stern word with my DM at times!

[Duckdeamon]

This is at least two problems: SIL's competitive parentinh and IL's interference/judgment. Plus ill-informed anti breastfeeding attitudes.

They might well be like this about development, DC's behaviour, education. Their opinions really don't matter! And you don't need to defend your choices.

If ignoring it and letting it wash over you doesn't work, try assertiveness: "you seem to be suggesting that I should use formula / consult a doctor about DC's weight being lower than you think it should be. Your comments make me feel uncomfortable and I'd like you not to make them".

Although your DH should really be the one to speak to them since it's his family!

[Writerwannabe83]

My EBF baby was always on the 25th percentile line.

He's now almost two and is still on the 25th percentile line and he has a fantastic appetite.

As long as baby is following the line then there are no problems.

My family, and my IL's were very critical and judgement of my decision to breast feed. Every time I saw them they made a little dig, implying I was making the wrong choice for my baby and in some way harming him. I found it so, so upsetting so you have my sympathy

[Eminybob]

I would be so cross if anyone criticised my baby or my way of feeding. Your sil is a twat I would have words if I were you. Or get your DH too.

Some babies are just smaller than others. I ebf'd my DS and he was on the 25th centile for ages, then suddenly shot up to the 75th. I was looking back at pictures of him last Xmas, he was about 5 months old so still ebf and was a right little chubber!

Maybe sil is projecting. Clearly has issues.