Help - 10 weeks in and it's not getting better

[KitKat36]

I need some help; please can noone tell me that if I just responded to my son's needs all will be perfect because I've been doing that and it's not working and I'm broken with tiredness.

Son has gone from having a decent night stint of sleep to waking every 2-3 hours at night again. He's feeding constantly from 2-6 so I can't get anything done and despite advice to the contrary I would actually like to make my house look nice again.

He won't sleep during the day at all so I can't catch up on sleep then either. I've tried everything from shh pat to cuddling to sleep and none of it works.

I'm on the verge of giving up EBF him because maybe at least if I put some formula down him he might not be so hungry and might actually sleep.

The idea of routines is laughable given he constantly sucks his fingers and asks for food. He's huge over 2ft (63cm) tall already a fact commented on by everyone who sees him.

I really don't know what I'm doing so wrong but everyone told me it would get better and it's not.

We had a brief blissful week or two where he slept for one five hour stretch and one four hour. He occasionally would nap in the pram but my only way of him sleeping is the sling for a walk or the pram with a walk. It isn't helping my tiredness and my relationship with his father which was wonderful is suffering. He's also shattered from trying to settle him at night.

What can I do to make him sleep just once in the day where he's not on top of me?

[KitKat36]

Just wanted to say thanks just complaining has helped we used the sling and the new sleepyhead and he was more settled am hoping it will continue..

Thank you for kind wishes and suggestions!

[Sunbeam18]

Sorry you are having such a bad time, been there... The breakthrough for me was when I got him to nap in the car. I got so fed up of walking for hours with the pram with exhausted tears running down my face. Put him in car at nap time and drive for 30 minutes. Take food and a magazine with you. When he falls asleep pull over and relax.

[PurpleTreeFrog]

I have a 11kg 18 month old I still carry in a Connecta sling/baby carrier sometimes. The soft slings are easy when they're still little babies too, especially round the house. I've vowed to myself that if we ever have a second baby I will pretty much wear that child in a sling constantly for the first few months to enable me to just get on with my life. Surely that's what they must have done in thousands of years ago when humand were nomadic?

I never actually purchased a pram as DS would only tolerate the sling and hated being in a pram (we did try out a perfectly good second hand one I'd been given, but he just wanted to be held 24/7. The 4th trimester thing is so true.) Anyway, I went straight to a normal pushchair in a reclined position he was about 4 months old.

I wouldn't expect a baby to start having "proper" naps outside of your arms, or lengthy breaks from feeding, until around 3-6 months old.

[waterrat]

Feed. Then Dummy. ...swaddle...white noise. ..

It's all about a dummy. I used one from 2 weeks...and also fed on demand..I just used the dummy to settle after feed...at 10 weeks I wpuld gradually try to stop the cluster feeding....it passes xx and the person who said 'with the greatest respect' is rude and annoying

[ODog]

My DS is 18mo, on 99th centile for height and weighs 12kg. I still sling him to sleep for naps in a ring sling and can comfortably carry him for an hour (if he wants/lets me) when out and about in a toddler connecta. I'm also 18weeks pregnant and not particularly fit at the moment. With the right sling, a 10week old, however big, should be a doddle. Your DH is probably on to something. Google 4th trimester. He hasn't realised he is not yet part of you and is programmed to cry if he not close to you.

[CousinChloe]

You may both be happy with dropping it, but just to reassure, if you both want to keep on slinging you can get slings designed for preschoolers etc, so even a 99th centile baby should be fine. You can try hiring different brands by post from something like It's a Sling Thing website so can check if they're comfortable before buying.

I am sure the baby will learn to nap without movement sooner than that, but just to reassure! I think DD was 8 months when she really got napping, but others manage much faster than that.

[villainousbroodmare]

DS is 4 1/2 months, 8 kg and 69 cm, and while heavy to lug about the house, is easily manageable once in the sling and has started laughing with delight when he sees me putting it on. I'm happy about that cos it's hot where we are and I was worried I was roasting him every morning. Not sure if it's connected but I've very nearly got my tummy back.

[KitKat36]

Hubby and I been discussing the sling and he's saner than I am and thinks increased fussiness may have coincided with reduced slinging.

At least I'm not going to have to worry about getting my abs back if I'm walking round with 6kg of baby attached to me they'll strengthen in no time.

Those that have used a sling, when did you find you could drop it? I have some concerns about him being too heavy for it to be feasible soonish

[ODog]

All sounds very normal. Much like my DS at that age expect he didn't sleep for 2/3 hrs at a time until he was about 10months. Had the same with my nct grp. All their babies seemed to feed every 4hrs and sleep in between but they were all amazed at how big DS was and how little he cried it's hard to cry when your mouth is stuck to a boob . For day naps use whatever means possible. I found a sling good as I could get on with bits, but it was also pretty much the only place he would sleep. Evening cluster feeding is also very normal and will suddenly stop one day (probably pne day fairly soon) and you won't realise until a few days have passed. It's tough but it will get easier and better slowly and gradually.

[KitKat36]

Have a cleaner and that's amazing truly best thing ever. It's more getting the house back together after rebuilding part of it

[villainousbroodmare]

The one thing that helped me feel better in those exhausting early days was getting someone in to clean the house. I know you are not supposed to care what it looks like, but it made me feel a million times better to have a clean house. The cleaning lady was actually the one who managed to get DS to take a dummy - just kept popping it in over and over. Could you afford to get someone to clean a bit?

This is what I do to get my baby to sleep. He feeds about every 3 hrs so each feed is a substantial one. (He was actually put on a 4hrly routine at 5 weeks by an extremely knowledgeable paediatrician due to oversupply issues, so I reckon a 3-4 hr interval for your little fella should be all right.) When he's been awake for an hour I keep a sharp eye for yawns and eye-rubbing. As soon as I see that (could be two hours, in the evening might be omg four) I swaddle him tightly, put a dummy in his mouth replace it if he spits it, switch on the white noise and lie him in his Sleepyhead in a dim room and I walk away. If he grumbles I ignore it. If he roars I go back and restart. Something in between gets sssh pat. Often he lies awake but I figure at least he's resting.

Whatever shagging use five bunches of virtual flowers are to you, here they are with my sympathy (and I can see a sense of humour shining through which will save you!)

[PurpleTreeFrog]

If he's a "sucky" baby you could try a dummy, as someone else suggested. Takes a few attempts usually, they don't normally take it first time. I was always a huge snob about dummies but when I saw the redness drain away from my baby's frustrated crying face in seconds I realised how soothing it was for him.

Also, get a cleaner to help you keep on top of things. Even if you don't have a lot of spare cash, if you can economise in other areas, it's worth it, at least for the first few months/year. We have ours once a fortnight for 2 hours and it costs us about £46 a month. I think that's very affordable when you think some people spend that on takeaways, booze, new clothes etc. It means you always know that your house is clean, even if there's a visible layer of dust or grime somewhere you it's only been there for a few days, not a few weeks!

Don't be so hard on yourself, there's no such thing as being cut out for motherhood or not. Babies cry, poo, drink lots of milk, and dont sleep much... that's pretty much all there is to it. Its totally knackering. You just do what you have to do to survive, and if you're lucky they flash you that adorable smile or cute giggle that makes it all worth it.

[KitKat36]

The community midwives strong armed me into it for a couple of days when he was still losing birth weight and hated it. I think source of issues with husband as he'd give it in a heartbeat if meant LO settled and I got sleep.

I hope that things work out for you and you get an easy settled baby!

[Laquila]

Don't dispair, OP. I remover every bloody HCP in hospital and on the home visits going on about how great my son's latch was and it wasn't until 2 weeks later that a lactation specialist at a bf group said he had a tt, and then another 5 weeks til we got it snipped! Try not to judge yourself too harshly, although I know from bitter experience that that's easier said than done.

FWIW, I couldn't have given my son formula for the first few months if you'd given me a million quid, despite the fact that objectively, I knew how irrational that was. I'm praying that this time round I won't be so against giving this one a bit of formula if the need arises.

[KitKat36]

Laquila the ELCS bothers me a bit but not hugely I would have been induced the following week had he moved out of breech. Debrief on that probably unhelpful but I probably should track down my pregnancy notes and find out if they assessed the placenta for the rest of the issues we had.

No one in NCT putting a particularly positive spin on things, they all seem significantly competent and confident; it makes me feel that I don't want to admit how bad things are. I sort of did and I hated the pity I got. My friend has always said it was hard but helped her out for a good chunk after an EMCS so know it wasn't this bad.

Didn't have a lot of option on the recovery really, we had a building site to clear up just after he was born so had to get on with it, no real rest time available in the early weeks. If I go insane and think a second is a good idea I wouldn't build anything while pregnant.

Husband uses dummies; I can't get LO to take one or a bottle from me, we end up in a cycle of trying and having both spat out. Any tips on getting him to ignore the smell of milk/Mum would be hugely helpful.

Have a properly qualified lactation consultant coming on Saturday maybe she'll see something that will help with this god forsaken nightmare. Everyone rkse that's seen it seems to think his latch good so who knows...

[BotBotticelli]

Also meant to say: if he is still wanting to suckle after a big bottle feed would he take a dummy?

[OhahIlostmybra]

Oh op I recognise so much of this. My first dd was extremely difficult during the day and it was fucking hard. I developed pnd.

It seemed to me that everyone else was having a much easier time with babies that would nap abywhere at anytime. My dd would nap only in a moving pram (if I stopped to wait for the green man to cross the road she would wake) or in the sling with me moving. It was exhausting. It didn't help when people say things like 'oh if she is tired she will sleep'. If I left her to her own devices she would have never napped.

I understand about the house too - if you are tired and feeling crap your house not being in order only exacerbates matters.

I had really underestimated how often babies needed to sleep and once I understood that things improved. Spend a couple of weeks focussing on getting him up sleep within 45 min of waking. No matter if moving pram etc. that will allow him to catch up on his over tiredness and then once he is used to some sort of regular sleep schedule (not routine) during the day you should find it easier to get him to nap in his bed at home.

I'm on my second dd now. This one isn't exactly a champion napped but I know it will get better and if it doesn't a bit of sleep training at 6 months will help hopefully.

At the moment it feels like it will last forever, I know that. Hope things improve for you

[BotBotticelli]

Hi OP here is my opinion for what it's worth - if you're not enjoying Breast feeding and you're knackered beyond belief from doing all the night feeds on your own: give yourself a break and move him onto formula.

Maybe just for the night feeds at first? It will probably spell the end for BFing in the long run but you can still offer the boob during the day for the next few days/weeks?

You don't get any medals for struggling on with breast feeding you know?

I don't think FF babies necessarily sleep better or longer (at 10 weeks old my FF baby was still feeding every 3 hours round the clock - also a big boy!), BUT with FF your OH can take some of the load from you.

We used to split the nights in half - from 10pm - 2am DH would deal with all night wakings and feeds whilst I slept with ear plugs in. From 2-6am it was my turn. Then I at least got 4 hours per night which enabled me to function during the day. My babies never napped for more than 45mins for the first 6 months of their lives either. It's hard.

Another thing about FF is: FF tend to feed less often than BF babies. Even at night, most 10wo FF babies can go a clear 3 hours between feeds. If you're lucky it might be 4-5 hours. FF babies don't tend to take lots of small feeds. If you can get 7oz down him every 3-4 hours day and night he won't be doing any "snacking" in between.

Much of what I am saying won't be very popular in these boards because most MMers try to encourage people to stick with BFing. But I wanted to offer an alternative viewpoint.

I have FF both my babies (ds1, now three years old, after a 3 week disaster trying and failing to BF him), and DS2, now 4mo, who I Breast fed for 12 hours and then thought: fuck this for a bunch of bananas. And got the bottles out.

Both are thriving healthy happy boys and I get enough sleep to survive. It works for us.

[Laquila]

Also agree ref second opinion on tongue tie - it took ages for anyone to diagnose my son's, so we didn't get it snipped until 8 weeks - this time round I will refuse to leave the hospital until a qualified bf consultant has checked it...

It's certainly not always an instant fix, and wasn't for us, but I did feel that his feeding slowly started to improve afterwards.

Also, LLL have a bf helpline - you don't have to be a member - and I think there's a national bf helpline too.

[Laquila]

Some great advice on here. Can I just make a couple of points:

• having an ELCS most certainly doesn't mean you weren't designed for pregnancy!! It means you successfully had a baby, end of. (I had an EMCS and it was a blessed relief after a very long and exhausting early labour. I'm having an ELCS this time round!) Having said all that, some people find it extremely useful to have a debrief with the consultant/hospital staff to discuss the birth and the steps that led up to it - do you think that would help?
  

• take everything that your NCT class/other mums say with a pinch of salt! They may well be exaggerating/neglecting to mention the really hard bits. Believe me, no-one genuinely sits there with a 3-month old thinking "I am SAILING through this shit, no problem!"
  

• if you're making it out to two sports practices a week with a 10-week old (after a section!!) then you are doing much better than a lot of people in terms of managing to get out of the house. Be gentle on your body though.
  

• dummies can be an absolute lifesaver - they were for me, although a snorted my I'm struggling to get my two-yr old to give them up now. I'm still bloody glad we used them, though!
  

• I honestly believe that "good" sleep in babies and children is 20% down to the habits and skills you help them form and learn, and about 80% sheer bloody luck/the kind of kid they send you.
  

I really really sympathise with you as a remember the horror of this stage (and am not particularly looking forward to doing it all again in a couple of months!) but I assure you that things do get better. It's crucial to keep talking about it, though.

And with regard to your relationship with your partner, a wise person once told me, "Your husband is not your enemy. Your baby is your shared enemy" ;) totally true!

[beela]

Double check the tongue tie, I was told that my DD wasn't, and then 3 weeks in an expert diagnosed it within about 3 seconds, it was divided and all much better after that.

If he is struggling on one side then he might be uncomfortable - have you thought about cranial osteopathy? It worked a treat for DD. Once she had had her TT snipped, that is!

[KitKat36]

Can express but afraid to between feeds now as he's so unpredictable as to when he gets hungry next. I was pumping an excess at his single wakening, but that has disappeared now.

We know he doesn't have a tongue toe as got it checked but he's been a lazy feeder since birth and refuses to nurse well on one side. Am pumping that side to try and up
Supply enough to interest him but it's not working so far.

On the two evenings I go do sport husband feeds him from a bottle and he'll taken 6-8pz but then when I get back wants more from me often. I don't know if that's comfort or because his weight is so mismatched to his height (50th percentile for weight, 91st-98thbfor height) and he's trying to gain more rolls! Doesn't help he's mixed ethnicity as I believe that means some of the weight charts in particular don't work

[beela]

I haven't read the whole thread but it sounds normal to me. 10 weeks is still very early days. You are doing brilliantly to make it out to sports practices at all, and he will get the hang of napping, sooner or later. I think 12 weeks was a turning point for both of mine, and then 6 months.

Hang on in there. It will get better.

[HalfStar]

for you OP. It's a bit of a shock to the system isn't it. The worst thing, with your first, is feeling like everyone else is getting on OK and getting out and about and most of all getting a bit of kip. (Some are. Many aren't.) Or that your friends who don't have children are living on a different planet from you now.

It will get better. I would suggest doing what Penny suggests with the darkened room and the rocking, with added white noise. Put him down after 45-60 minutes awake. Introduce a comforter, either a muslin/teddy thing or a dummy. The dummy will be more effective. I hate them, but it's an irrational hatred because they DO work and they are absolutely fine.

Finally, if you were in my NCT group, I would also consider that you were doing great with all that growth and so little crying. My second cried for the first four months solid. Nothing can describe how awful it was.

You will get your life back one day OP, promise.