What would/will you do differently, or have you done differently with your 2nd DC compared to your first?

[JockHorror]

I know this is a bit of a common dilemma on here but currently agonising over whether to try for DC2 and I think I'm actually frightened that I'm not really up to it mentally (amongst other things like finances etc).

I'm quite an anxious worrier type anyway but I can now see that some of my fears e.g. my worries over dds perceived lack of sleep as a baby were irrational. I also realise that perhaps some of my actions may have lead to her being quite clingy and mum orientated now at 2.5, but I guess they are just the "mistakes" of the first time parent.

Have any of you had similar concerns and what would you/will you do differently next time around? Similarly, if you have already had dc2, did you manage to implement these changes and did they make things easier?

[bigbuttons]

I don't think it's easier second time round, or third, or 4th. I could go on. Some babies were easier than others. In some ways it gets harder because you have more to deal with.We all just try our best.

[unlucky83]

Part of being less precious I guess - I have a 6 yr gap -so I had learned a lot but also forgotten a lot. Also they have very different personalities...
The ones that really made a difference to me (very basic)...
Both mine had lots of hair - DD1 I carefully washed it over the bath, being extremely careful not to get any water at all in her face -consequence hated water in her face, made bath time/swimming lessons hell. DD2 almost got drowned in my bid to not make the same mistake again.
(Actually DD2 got less baths - 2 a week and still does - after stopping nightly baths at 4 ish helped DD1 eczema enormously.)
Cutting finger nails - DD1 only when she was asleep up to 5 yo or so -wouldn't allow me anywhere near them with clippers when awake (scared). Although it didn't wake her up it meant I forgot as I couldn't do them when I noticed...she is now a nail biter probably cos they got so long. DD2 would try and only do them when she was awake.

[Kelly1814]

My DD did not sleep, did not even nap in the days until six months.

How do you cope with a second child like that? I don't think I can do it again. Never mind having an older on to.

How does it work?

[thecrimsonpetal]

Kelly I'd love to know that right now My 3mo is a sleep fighter, no idea what to do with him, especially with a 2 year old to look after too. Makes me sad when people say they enjoyed it more second time, I wish I could, I feel like I'm missing time with the toddler and with the baby, neither gets the best of me.

[lolbeansansalad]

I am a bit more relaxed 2nd time and I am enjoying the snuggly babyness even more as DS1 is 6 so I know how quickly it all goes! I am using a sling sometimes this time, I didn't use one with DS1 and was a little more strict with routine, although this time I have to be less strict as DS2 must fit in with school runs etc. We actually decided against having a 2nd but DS2 was a contraceptive failure lovely surprise and he is such a happy, beautiful addition to our family, makes it feel complete even though it didn't feel incomplete before if that makes sense!

[Sapat]

I think you can over analyse things too much, and only worry about the negatives. Really hesitated for our 3rd and now so glad we had him. He slotted in our family beautifully and I was taken aback by all the positives. He adores his siblings and they are smitten with him. He has a special smile and laugh when he sees them and they push him around the playground in his buggy so proudly, play with him, share food and toys, console him... And baby cuddles are the best.

[Millymollymama]

My no 2 was a monster. No 1 was easy. Still the same 20 years later. DH was an only child and wanted our first to have a sibling. I wasn't bothered. Should have stuck to my guns. It all went swimmingly with the first but everything went wrong with the second. I didn't change anything as first time was easy and successful. Feeding, sleeping, development, laughing. No 1 hardly ever cried. I thought I would just carry in as before but nothing worked with no 2. I always worried if I could ever love a second one as much as the first one . The truth is,I am not sure I do but admitting that is treason! I think no. 2 knows it though.

[strawberrytablecloth]

I did things differently with DC2 as I knew a bit more, had less time but, most importantly, because he was (and is) a completely different person. A velcro baby who turned into a velcro toddler, is much more stubborn than DC1, is much less interested about being "good", whose speech is about 10 months behind DC1's (both on the normal spectrum just at opposite ends of it) and who started weaning fantastically (unlike DC1) but now is incredibly fussy (unlike DC1). The thing I was determined to get "right" was DC2 was sleep as DC1 didn't sleep through until 2.3. DC2 is now 3 and still doesn't sleep through.

[Kiwiinkits]

I didn't care about clothes so much. Basically, I stopped dressing up my children to show off what a stylish and clean mother I was. DD2 dressed in handmedowns. Always clean, seldom stylish. Basically, I learned that no-one gives a tuppenny hoot about what your baby wears.

[Kiwiinkits]

Also, waited to potty train a bit later. DD1 and DD2 both trained by the time they turned two, but DD1 had been sitting on the potty since she was 15 months. DD2 started sitting on the potty at 20 months. Both went to knickers at exactly the same time.

[FatSwan]

These responses are so interesting.

I logically know that my DD should be an only child for lots of reasons. It'd be the most responsible decision.

I'm sad that I might never have another baby because I don't feel like I'm a good mother. I had horrible PND and tbh, DD is almost 3 and I don't think it's gone

If I did ever by some fate have another, I'd get help for my depression the instant I felt it.

[OgreIt]

We have ds1 who is 4y10m and ds2 who is 4 months old. The single biggest difference, which has saved my sanity, is we let ds2 start to self settle from around 8 weeks. He cried at first but I had to do stuff for my older ds (who is at preschool three days a week but full on when he's home) and was getting so stressed and angry when ds2 wouldn't settle and ds1 wanted me to play. It was hard hearing him cry (never for more than five minutes, which felt like an age...if he didn't go to sleep I'd go in) but it really made all of our lives happier. I would never have done that with ds1. He was fed to sleep until 8 months, which was lovely but not possible with distractable ds2 and clingy, noisy ds1 in the background! I now feel so much more relaxed with them. I've also had to let go of the idea of a routine with ds2, as he just has to fit in around the preschool run and our older ds's activities. I find that both difficult and liberating.

[JockHorror]

You sound very similar to me FatSwan. May I ask how your pnd manifested itself and in what ways you feel you still have it?

I think maybe I had/have it to a certain extent, although it's never been diagnosed as such.

Thanks everyone for all your interesting responses so far.

[FatSwan]

I was just sad all the time. Weepy, anxious-I didn't eat or sleep. Just cried all the time. Couldn't do anything without panicking. I was qlso so overcome with love for DD that any crying from her made my heart break. if she was really fussy I wanted to die.

I got help-but I denied it for a long time.

Now, as DD is nearly 3 and testing my patience daily I just feel like a failure most days. I often wonder if how I was has effected her.

Sorry for the hijack-been one of those weeks.

[JockHorror]

No problem FatSwan

I've been talking to a friend recently about this. I think being a mum to a young child is so difficult because you don't get the "well done, you're doing a great job" feedback from them that you might from your job or in other areas of life, so it can feel like one massive slog and it's easy to feel like you're failing in every aspect of your life, especially if, like me, you're an unplanned sahm. As hard as it is, and believe me, I know, I think as mums we just need to be kinder to ourselves and realise just what a bloody difficult job it is we do.

I know it sounds glib but I'm sure you are indeed doing a great job and should be proud of yourself.

[FatSwan]

Thank you Jock I really appreciated that.

[MrsTedCrilly]

I've been really relaxed with DS1, just gone with the flow so not sure how I'll be with number 2! Waybuloo on loop from birth

[Kelly1814]

Millymolly this is exactly why I am happy with one child....I fear it all going horribly wrong with two....I am an only and very happy.,happy for DD to be one. DH wants a football team of babies. It's an issue,