What would/will you do differently, or have you done differently with your 2nd DC compared to your first?

[JockHorror]

I know this is a bit of a common dilemma on here but currently agonising over whether to try for DC2 and I think I'm actually frightened that I'm not really up to it mentally (amongst other things like finances etc).

I'm quite an anxious worrier type anyway but I can now see that some of my fears e.g. my worries over dds perceived lack of sleep as a baby were irrational. I also realise that perhaps some of my actions may have lead to her being quite clingy and mum orientated now at 2.5, but I guess they are just the "mistakes" of the first time parent.

Have any of you had similar concerns and what would you/will you do differently next time around? Similarly, if you have already had dc2, did you manage to implement these changes and did they make things easier?

[Sausages123]

I filled every day with baby groups/swimming etc.with my eldest, we never stopped to just chill out and cuddle up on the sofa. My youngest I spend as much free time as possible just being at home playing and cuddling whilst eldest at preschool. So much nicer than always being on a schedule plus I am sure that is why he is a better sleeper as he has regular naps in the day.

I worry less about everything and look at my eldest and realise all those moments of being worried about every single thing wasn't worth it as when they get to 4 you can not tell who was breastfed/baby led weaned on a fully organic diet and those who were ff and given a diet consisting of jars and biscuits!

[DeeWe]

Mine were just different personalities from the off so that was why they were treated differently.
We said dd1 read all the right manuals. She did all physical things pretty much dead on average. She fed well and slept well. She liked to be held, but was happy going down for short times. And was always happy to go to anyone else.

Dd2 was active. She was crawling not long after 5 months and walking at 8 months. She climbed things by 9 months that it had never occurred to dd1 (3 years older) you could even sit on let along get to the top and stand shouting "ta-da!" I said she knew her own mind when at about 9 months she started shaking her head for no-at the correct time in answer to questions. She also didn't sleep until she was 2yo, and refused solids until she was 8 months old (and dd1 gave her a chocolate button) and didn't eat well after that either! And she was the ultimate velcro baby. Couldn't put her down at all, I got used to doing everything with her in the sling-and she always hated the buggy. She wouldn't go to anyone else-even dh at times.

Ds was laid back. I could pop him on the floor under the gym and he practiced his overarm serves from about 2 or 3 weeks until he was tired and then went to sleep there. He chatted constantly, and smiled at any face that came near. He crawled at 6 months, and could walk at 10, but chose to crawl mostly because he preferred to be pushing a car along or watching the wheels of the buggy. he also had constant ear infections from 3 months until he had grommets in at 20 months, so I got used to spending nights with him leaning against me as the best way of dealing with them. He slept well when he didn't have an infection and has always eaten well.

Now they're still different:
Dd1 doesn't eat anything except under protest. Well she'll have a few snacks, but she dislikes 95% of food. She's the most likely to stay next to me throughout meeting other people-even people who she's friendly with.
Dd2 still likes the exciting life. She now eats for England, and reads as an olympic sport But she is the most independent, and will disappear with a new friend only minutes after meeting them.

Ds likes his hugs and cuddles. He'll spend the first half an hour of somewhere new cuddling into me, but once he's gone he'll only return when hungry.

So they did get treated differently, but a lot was due to their personalities rather than my choice.

[ReallyTired]

When I was pregnant with second child I wondered how I could love two children as much as my first. It was not a problem. As the family expanded so did the amount of love. I worried that my second would have less attention than the first, but in reality it was not a problem. Even if my second baby had less attention from me, she had lots of attention from her older brother who was hell bent on teaching phonics to his newborn baby sister.

I found that being a first time mother was really hard. The level of perfection that I demanded of myself was killing. I had had no experience of looking after babies and felt very insecure.I was so anxious and it really robbed me of enjoying ds's babyhood. In particular I had terrible anxiety concerning weaning.

Even if having two children is more work than one baby, I found it less tiring. I spent less time worrying and more time enjoying my children. It really helped that I was confident in my choices ie. breastfeeding on demand, having my baby in my room, not following advice from well meaning friends. With a first baby you are learning to look after a children with a second baby you only have the work of looking after the baby even if you are learning to look after the toddler!

[JockHorror]

Not a mistake as such Bumps, maybe that's the wrong word. I think what I mean is that the relationship we've had has been very intense and me-centric, for example dd wouldn't take a bottle and only stopped breastfeeding about 5 times a day when I went cold turkey at 25months. Even now, she'll only accept me putting her to bed, comforting her if she wakes at night etc. I think some of this could have been due to the fact that I was reluctant to relinquish some of the tasks to dh in the early days and so there are times now when, like most mums I would expect, feel a little saturated by it all. This is what I would like to avoid with any future dc I think. That almost trapped feeling of complete dependence.

[Bumpsadaisie]

I know the feeling OP. Mine were/are like that too. It gets easier as they get older and more rational!

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

I think you won't be able to help avoiding that with future dc! They will be born into a situation where dc1 will sometimes come first and you'll just have to let dh do length of the work.

[21grosvenorclose]

My 2nd is 9 months now and Olivia is 2.5. Everyone told me I'd feel guilty about not giving either of them enough attention. Not true! George and his big sister already play so nicely together. They nap at different times (I was always told to get them to nap at the same time) so I can spend time with them individually. The house was full of toys from the minute he was born (his sister's) and I already had a lovely group of mum and baby friends so he's been surrounded by age - appropriate activities from the word go. It's exhausting, but we have a lovely time.

Not so much mummy socialising, but I don't know whether that was more for me with the first? Definitely more time in the house this time round.

I don't know whether we sometimes attribute too much of their behaviour as being related to their order in the family. As bumpsadaisie said, they're just different!

[Xmasbaby11]

I was relaxed with dd1 and this suited her well - I let her and settle herself, fall into her own routine etc.

I was equally relaxed with dd2 but she was a different baby and needed a lot more attention. I think it's a myth that second children are easier - certainly with me and my friends, they can be a lot more high maintenance!

[Hoppinggreen]

Lots of practical things but the main thing was that I really enjoyed dc2.
I dint have pnd for a start which helped but dd was 4 by this point and I knew how fast that time had gone so I treasured (almost) every moment of babyness While it lasted even the crappier buts.
We really felt much more like a family when ds came along is that makes sense

[DilysMoon]

With dc2 and more so dc3 (6m) I've ignored the baby book I followed religiously with dc1, breastfed, cuddled to sleep, brought in to our bed, weaned later (at 6 months), not worried about nap times and settling in cot, and am generally less rigid. Am enjoying things a lot more than with dc1 and a more relaxed approach seems to work better for us all.

[punnedout]

I did accidental controlled crying with my second fairly early on, because sometimes you have to deal with the toddler and leave the (unable to move) baby. I picked up my first within seconds of him crying, and he was an awful sleeper (maybe connected, maybe not).

My second is a horrendous eater, which would have given me a breakdown with my first but as long as I can broadly cover the major food groups I'm not too worried.

I think we can over-analyse things as mothers (me included) - just be irresponsible with your birth control and go for it!

[Bumpsadaisie]

The other thing is that your second child grows up in a very different environment to your first - they have an extra person to attach to (your eldest) and play with. It dilutes the intensity that the OP was talking about.

I find my youngest is very grumpy indeed for 30 mins or so when his sister is dropped off with to school and he is stuck with me. He is hugely attached to her and I think it makes for a different relationship between mum and younger child. He of course loves me to bits and wants me there for all the important things and doesn't like it when I go out, but in day to day living he wants to play and be with his sister, not me.

[Bumpsadaisie]

.. this is probably because she is a whole more fun than I am and much more interested in playing crazy dressing up random games!

[worserevived]

I'd say the main difference is the second has to learn to wait. First time round the instant dd cried I jumped to it, picked her up, fed her, changed her or did whatever else was needed. This time ds often has to cry until I'm free, as I can't react instantly if I am in the middle of dealing with a full on toddler meltdown or something. The result is at 3 months he is definitely more chilled about sitting waiting.

[tawnyowlsrock]

I do in birth a lot easier
Felt more relaxed as had done before
Did more

[JockHorror]

Can't really do that with my coil punnedout

[MadgeMak]

With my second I consciously decided to be more baby led, a bit more attachment parenting and lowered my expectations with regards to sleep etc. So DC2 was wore in a sling for all napsslept at night

[MadgeMak]

DC2 getting in on the action there and hit send!

With him we followed more attachment parenting principles, wore him in the sling a lot during the day for the first six months, co-slept etc. it's been a much much less stressful experience second time around and he is a very chilled out and happy baby. How much of that is down to how we've done things differently and how much is just his personality I don't know, I suspect it's a mixture of both. But I do wish I'd parented my first in the same way.

[Whatsthatnoise]

I don't think I'd purposefully do anything differently but some things would naturally be different. DC2 would probably be in a sling rather than pram because dd uses a wheelchair. I'd hopefully be able to breaatfeed and I'd love to go to more groups etc I was a bit isolated the first time and we are a bit better off financially. As it is this is purely hypothetical because dds condition is genetic so we've decided not to have dc2, no matter how much we want to

[NKfell]

With DC1 I had just turned 20 and I was paranoid that I didn't know what I was doing and I barely slept with worry! I

When DC2 came along DC1 had 'made it' to 3yrs old and I didn't worry so much at all.

Same as others, DC1 went into others care with instructions "do this, don't do that" etc. DC2 went into others care with a "thank you so much!"

DC3 on the way 2.5 yrs later and I feel very relaxed about the whole thing tbh!

[drspouse]

I won't be 'reading' endless books to dd, no time and it didn't do ds any good!

My DS adores books and "reads" them to himself in bed, complaining that he can't see them when the light is out. I'm really sad that we don't read as much to DD.

We didn't go in as often to check she was breathing though. Or take her to be weighed so often. But she was not nearly such a good sleeper as DS so we were/are a lot more precious about naps etc.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

In all honesty I don't think I would do too much differently with a DC2. I sort of let myself float along with DD - she came where I went in a sling, she fed when she was hungry, I went if I felt like it and stayed home when I didn't. DC2 would have to be a bit more patient, but hopefully with a sling and a boob ready, not much more.

[TheOriginalWinkly]

*went out if I felt like it

One thing - DC2 will be born by ELCS after DD's scorched sarth policy re my bits!

[soontobemumofthree]

Mainly the same. Probably held baby 2 more as had got used to having someone attached to me and it didnt bother me as much as it did with DC1. DC2 wasnt a clingy baby, infact tried to get to floor when old enough and not particularly bothered who looked after her.
I did the same breastfeeding, weaning approaches. I didn't worry as much about breastfeeding (with DC1 first few months were wondering "is he getting enough" "how long since last feed?" "should i feed him now or later?" "is this a growth spurt" etc etc - drove myself and anyone who would listen potty) second time (and third) just fed when baby cried/appeared hungry and we all got on better worrying less.

[MrsMarigold]

Mine are 15 months apart with DC1 I worried about creating the right environment to sleep in and used to stay home at nap time DC2, I did what I wanted and in the day she slept in the buggy.

Also DC2 has always eaten what the rest of the family eat and was baby-led weaned