Really shitty situation

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Me and my DH would like another baby. My nine year old DD is dead against it to the point I found her crying in her room this evening. I hate to see her this upset however I've been getting so upset and tearful lately at wanting another child. On our holiday I spent a whole evening in tears because of how much I want another.
It's a ridiculous situation as both me and DH are interested in another baby but how can I make my DD so unhappy?
What can we do?

[ARGHtoAHHH]

Why so many nasty responses to the OP? Really uncalled for. She's clearly upset give her a break.

Hope you're okay op. It must be hard to see your daughter upset about something like this. But pp are right it's not up to her . I'm sure she'll come around.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Standard a lot of the time sadly argh. Will be sure to refer myself to social services when I get to work
In the morning Penelope

[rootypig]

AnyFucker were you talking to me in your first post?

[ARGHtoAHHH]

Haha

[AnyFucker]

no, rooty

I was expressing shock and alarm at OP

[longtallsally2]

Sympathy with you op, but a bit surprised at the route this thread has taken. Do families really not talk around the table about big decisions like this? We didn't have to do this as ours were young when we went of ttc but we talk about most things, and I can well imagine raising the subject and chatting for example, about where everyone would sleep if we have another baby, or what would happen when . . . . We are just like that.

We would listen to our kids points of view, but not let them change our life plans. However, if you are going to ttc now - and best of luck by the way - I would be inclined to have a girlie cup of hot chocolate - with marshmallows - and a chat one night. Reassure her that whatever decision you make (and it is yours to make, not hers) that it will be an adventure for you all, and that she is old enough to a) be independent if/when a baby comes and b) to cope with big changes. She will need to know at some stage that life is not all in her control, and that things do happen that we wouldn't necessarily choose - but that's OK because we muddle through and often discover that things we didn't want to happen can turn out to be great. And if it isn't well, we support each other through the tough times.

You sound vulnerable at the moment but so does she. To be crying over this now is fairly unusual. Take the high road and be firm, but take time to reassure her too.

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

I have depression which can flare up in winter. This can make me emotional and being unable to conceive for the past year hasn't helped not to mention the fact my daughter is unhappy. But thanks for the kicking and telling me my kids need safeguarding ffs

[Madamecastafiore]

Has your dd said why she doesn't want anther sibling?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

She is just very clingy to me in general. I've always done everything that's recommended responding to her cues when she was a baby and not allowing her to get distressed as this is meant to promote a more secure attachment. Nope she is terribly insecure and clingy and anxious

[nilbyname]

I agree with those who have said that your DD needs to be pushed out of the discussions altogether.

If she acts out, reassure you love her, and nothing has changed. But a frank conversation that it might would be prudent.

Carry on TTC, and good luck with that, I hope you fall pregnant soon!

AlSO, I work in Education, and have L2 child protection training (for teachers/smt) and I would say this is NOT a safe guarding issue!

[AnyFucker]

at 9 ?

you are giving her too much information and too much perceived control of what happens in the family

9yo's are often horrified at the thought of a sibling, but they don't know what is best for them at that age

parents know best

[AnyFucker]

no, it's not a SG issue

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

It's prob my own fault as she has been spoiled and this is how it's ended up. Her brother is so very laid back and accepting of everything. I must have done something right at least!

[Mrsgrumble]

I would put your daughters concerns out of your mind and crack on. I wouldn't engage in too much conversation about it.

I hope you get your bpf and best wishes to you

[ARGHtoAHHH]

Sharon please try and ignore the horrible comments on here. Don't let them get you down. Focus on some of the good advice that's been shared.

Sometimes I despair at mumsnet.

With regards to your winter depression. Are you taking any steps to work through it? There are ways and means. Have you spoken to your doc about it?

St John's wort is meant to be good. Sorry I don't know much about depression but I'm slowly learning as my partner has recently developed it. It's a fucker. I hope you're able to get through it.

For what it's worth I think it's nice that you are speaking to your daughter about these things. I hope she comes around xx

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

No worries argh most of the replies have cheered me up or at least given me food for thought. Seeing my GP soon with regards to some counselling

[rootypig]

sorry AF, the timing of your two responses suddenly made me think it was!

[AnyFucker]

not at all

[rootypig]

OP you've now said you are struggling to conceive, which I suspected might be the case.

Are you really in need of emotional support for that? are you conflating DD's opposition with your own feelings, because that is less painful? (that would also mean that you are investing too much in her, emotionally). Because without wishing to be unkind, until you do conceive, your daughter's reaction to a new baby is a moot point.

[paddyclampo]

How old is her brother?

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

True

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

My DS is 8