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Original poster

People not giving baby back when asked

52 replies

SleepyMcgee · 04/11/2014 16:11

Hi all
Hope its ok to offload here, feeling a bit glum and disappointed in myself!
I've got a 16 week old DD who can be a bit grumpy and clingy. I don't mind this at all, I'm her mum and if she wants comfort etc then I feel that's my job to be there for her. So in the past when my dad has tried to hold my baby she's started crying and was upset. I asked for baby back as I knew she'd stop crying but he said no she's ok. She wasn't bloody ok and as her cries and my stress level escalated he did give her back. I just think why do people do this? He makes me feel like I'm doing it all wrong but in my heart I know it feels wrong to me to let her cry. Why do people want to keep hold of a baby when they're upset and the parent has clearly asked for the baby back? Its happened recently at work too when I took her in. I'm so mad at myself afterwards when I think about the situation and wish I would grow a pair of balls and be more assertive. I cant stand to hear her cry and know she'll stop if I hold her. It's putting me off seeing certain people now as I find it stressful 'battling' with them to be told "she's ok, babies cry". Has anyone got any experiences of this and how they handled it? Feel a lot better for writing this down and getting it out, sorry its so long though

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Original poster

SleepyMcgee · 05/11/2014 22:19

Yes I've got a kari me fabric one. It's brill! DD seems quite comfy in it and it's not bad on my back. I think a previous poster mentioned baby wearing as well.
I'm building up my confidence to using it outdoors

OP posts:

NorahBone · 05/11/2014 23:05

Some very good advice here. I'd probably just say "oh, sounds like she's going to vomit".

Original poster

SleepyMcgee · 05/11/2014 23:10

I like that Norah

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Davsmum · 06/11/2014 08:29

A baby belongs to his or her mum. If the baby is crying, every last instinct is going to tell you to get him back. Especially extra strongly in the first few months!
---------------
I don't like that 'belongs' - A baby is not a possession, but I do agree a mothers instinct is to take the baby when it cries. Problem is the mothers anxiety in the first place can make a baby feel unsettled and it will cry.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 06/11/2014 08:36

It doesnt change over the years either. I have a 3yo and if she bumps herself and has a little cry, she runs to me. My DM and MIL have this habit of intercepting her and grabbing her and trying to comfort her which would be fine if she wasnt saying "I want Mummy let me go"

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 10:14

Or even when they are older. If my 11YO or 17YO call out for me when my DM is around, she answers as if they had called her.

I think grandparents probably have a mini version of the instinct that makes you want to comfort your distressed child and it must be hard to have to defer to an actual parent. However, in the interests of a good future relationship, it really is better not to deliberately come between a distressed child and the person who can best comfort them.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/11/2014 10:22

Hmmm. I've had this with both mine and my in laws. Dfil used to take dd off me and try to calm her down. I found it hard but I think it's important babies develop bonds with others. It would only be 15mins or so. I was grateful to share the responsibility - it's too much to be solely responsible for a baby 24 hours a day, for me anyway.

namioexchangio · 06/11/2014 10:29

I agree with rocketjam actually. I worry that you will turn your baby into a toddler that is clingy and over anxious in social situations if you grab her back from other people the moment she squeaks. It will be GOOD for her to realise that she can be held by another loving adult and will come to no harm (honestly, she would stop crying in a few minutes unless you are there looking hyper anxious, which will keep her going). She will then start to forge bonds with the wider family, and some of those bonds will be of life long importance to her, as will her ability to trust and interact with a range of people. Having said all that, hearing your own baby cry is gut wrenching and you just have to remind yourself that it is part of her learning and growing process to test out new situations with trepidation the first few times. Good luck.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 11:10

I worry that you will turn your baby into a toddler that is clingy and over anxious in social situations if you grab her back from other people the moment she squeaks.

Quite the opposite is the case. Preventing children from accessing the comfort and security they need at times of stress is far more likely to make them clingy and anxious. Babies most certainly do not need to be taught that their distress will be ignored by parents who are close by. They very clearly and specifically need their care to be responsive in order to become confident sociable individuals who are equipped to build secure attachments with wider family.

Building bonds happens when children are happy and relaxed and is not supported be causing unnecessary distress.

Davsmum · 06/11/2014 13:20

How come then,..in other cultures, a baby will be cared for by many people?

We are not talking here about a child be denied his mother all the time - perhaps then it may make a child anxious.
Some babies won't even settle for their mother but will when someone else takes over, usually when that person is calm and not stressed by the baby crying.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 13:30

How come then,..in other cultures, a baby will be cared for by many people?

The fact that babies can be well cared for by extended families is not evidence that taking your baby back when he or she is distressed will make him or her clingy and anxious.

Davsmum · 06/11/2014 13:52

I do not think it WOULD necessarily make a baby clingy or anxious if you take him back,..My point was that it will not necessarily make them anxious & clingy if they are not handed back immediately either.

MeeWhoo · 06/11/2014 14:00

I think a good reply to "she is ok" is "yes, but I am not!".

ThereisnoFinWay · 06/11/2014 14:05

Just go up to them, take the baby with a smile and say I'll have her back now, they won't get in to a physical fight over a baby. Hearing my babies cry makes me feel physically sick, I'm not going to listen to it any more than I have to!

I am not an anxious parent in the slightest and will hand my children to everyone and anyone, but I won't stand for them being held on to when they are upset. I'll happily leave them for a bit to see if they will calm down but if they don't, I take them back.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 14:15

My point was that it will not necessarily make them anxious & clingy if they are not handed back immediately either.

I didn't say that it would necessarily do that. I said that preventing them from accessing comfort is far more likely to make them clingy and anxious than taking them back when they were distressed is.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 14:25

In fact, I don't think either is likely to have a profound effect on whether a child ends up being clingy and anxious. It takes a great deal more than how you respond when someone else is holding them to have such a profound effect on them but you are far more likely to have a negative effect on their development by being unresponsive to their distress than you are by being too responsive.

Davsmum · 06/11/2014 14:37

Point taken Goldmandra

That comfort can come from someone else though. My daughter's baby sometimes would not stop crying when his Mum was holding him and trying to comfort him - but he calmed right down and settled when my DP took him.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 14:39

That comfort can come from someone else though.

I couldn't agree more

My issue is with the posters saying that you can create an anxious clingy child by taking them back when they are upset.

DuelingFanjo · 06/11/2014 14:43

The one time I tried the firm 'I'll have him now' with my DS the person involved just walked off with him anyway. It really doesn't work sometimes, no matter how firm you are being. :(

Mariposa10 · 06/11/2014 14:50

What bothers me about this is the suggestion that a grandfather holding his grandchild is 'trying to score smug points'. I hope for your sake your children don't say this about you when you become a grandparent.

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 16:24

What bothers me about this is the suggestion that a grandfather holding his grandchild is 'trying to score smug points'.

That genuinely is some people's experience. Being a grandparent doesn't automatically turn you into a nice person and some grandparents do like to think they can do a better job than the parents.

If your children say it about you, there is a chance that this is because you deserve it.

sooperdooper · 06/11/2014 16:33

I think sometimes other people do just want to try and help, assuming they're trying to be smug and get one over on you or purposefully keep hold of your baby to keep her crying or annoy you is a bit far fetched

In most situations I imagine the other person is just trying to help, and it won't actually do the baby any harm whatsoever at all to settle with another person, if they're happy to try

Goldmandra · 06/11/2014 17:16

assuming they're trying to be smug and get one over on you or purposefully keep hold of your baby to keep her crying or annoy you is a bit far fetched

That rather depends on your experience. There are plenty of new parents who have been on the receiving end of that sort of behaviour as evidenced by the myriad threads on here about the power struggles that commence when a new grandchild comes along.

Of course it doesn't apply to all or even many grandparents but it does happen and I don't think it helps to dismiss it as far fetched.

Davsmum · 07/11/2014 08:06

Perhaps people,..Parents & Grandparents should not be so 'possessive' over a baby or use the baby to prove 'they' know best.
Grandparents should not undermine a new mother's ability but offer support IF it is needed. A new Mum will understandably be very sensitive about her baby.
Also, parents need to understand that the Grandparents want to be involved and included and that they too love the baby.
I have noticed Mums often do not afford the same privileges to their MiL as they do their own mother.

Meerka · 07/11/2014 21:25

I think you just have to go with the flow! It's kind of understandable that someone who isn't close to their father would want their baby back when she's crying, you know?

Perhaps people,..Parents & Grandparents should not be so 'possessive' over a baby or use the baby to prove 'they' know best

Well um yes. But it'd be really really nice if people were just nicer to each other in the first place. They aren't, not always. But in this case, the OP was just asking for strategies to handle people who were reluctant to hand the baby back; hopefully she's got a few new.

Was not suggesting any decent person would keep a baby to deliberately keep her crying or annoy the mother no ... where on earth did that come from?

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