What is the one thing you'd wished you'd known about being a parent, before you became a parent?

[vashenca]

Hi all, my partner and I are starting to think about starting a family. We have watched various friends and family members go through process and most of them have mentioned something they wished they'd known before. So as part of us preparing for this venture, I am asking as many people as I can the question. If I have a good variety of answers, I am thinking about maybe putting them together as an ebook, so other would be parents can benefit too. I would love to hear what you'd wished you'd known about being a parent, before you became a parent? Many thanks :)

[RedlipsAndSlippers]

That my friends (mostly) had no intention of being involved in my life once I'd had kids. I had my DD at 21, while all my friends were still too busy getting pissed to take much notice, and that hurt. On the upside, the friends that did stick around are very much worth having :)

That children are freaking hilarious! My 9 month old and my 5 year old both crack me up.

[sleepdodger]

That you will still be totally at the work /childcare cross roads regardless of income
I assumed if I could afford to pay (I can) and was ok handing over my snall dc that was as far as it went .
I didn't listen or think about school holidays

[McFox]

That you will feel so proud of yourself for doing things that are meant to be natural and easy but really aren't i.e. breastfeeding, bathing a tiny squirming newborn and managing to soothe a seemingly inconsolable baby. As you well should!

That once your husband/partner is back at work you might find being at home with a newborn lonelier than being home alone. It's weird.

Also be prepared to end up sick of the sight of family who want to see your new baby all the time (applies especially to MILs!) and don't consider that you, your dh and baby need to spend time alone together. You will need to say no sometimes regardless of whether it upsets/angers them.

[ch1134]

It isn't necessarily as hard as people say. To me it is 100 times easier and lots more fun than going to work. And they stay tiny for ages. I thought 7and 1/2 months would be ok to return to work, but he still needs me really. He's still breastfeeding, teething, not sleeping through. Take a year if you can.

[PenguinsHatchedAnEgg]

I would say that I wished I had understood what a bomb it would place under your relationship. Don't get me wrong, three kids later DH and I are still together and very happy. But, but, but....

When you are a fairly equal and happy couple without kids, your lives are pretty much the same. You are used to being equal and sharing burdens.

Then you get pregnant, and give birth, and all those strains on your body are yours alone. All that exhaustion/vomiting/not sleeping/worrying about kicks. That's all on you. All those changes to your body afterwards, that's all on you.

And then the baby arrives and, in most cases, you are on maternity leave and your DH is still going to work, interacting with adults, in some cases claiming that their sleep is more important than yours. If they are working full time, probably their only experience of babycare will be shared with you. So you are in this world, which is probably lovely and a bit boring/frustrating in equal measure, and your DH can't really relate to your new world. And if you are anything like me you sometimes look enviously at the freedoms of the 'old' world. Especially when your DH walks out the door in the morning with just a wallet, or talks about an interesting work project.

It opens up a gulf of experience between you and you need a strong relationship to survive it.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

That no ones experience is the same as another's, I have less in common with some of my friends who have children the same age as mine than I do with friends who have teens or childless friends.
You may need to negotiate your life around a problem you never considered before (baby reflux in my case) but then others around you may be complaining of hardships you don't experience and it's hard to empathise.

[QTPie]

How you don't have al the time in the world to have kids (although you feel you do!)

DS was born just before my 36th birthday (had been married 11 years). Took a year of trying. Started trying for number 2 when DS was just 2 (so I was just 38). 2.5 years of trying (including two failed IVF attempts) and still no joy on number 2 (and I am now 40.5 - tick tok, tick tok...)

Sounds obvious, but don't hang around! Even if conceiving a first child is relatively straightforward, number 2 might not be...

Read every baby book you can get hold of and use your knowledge of your baby, your sense and your instinct to work out what is tight for your child.

[3littlefrogs]

That the years would fly by and the housework would still be there when they have grown up and gone.

I wish I had spent more time just playing with and enjoying them; not being so stressed about trying to keep the house clean and tidy.

[ZebraZeebra]

It's not hard work in the sense of, you soon learn pretty quickly what you need to do to care for your baby. You sort out your own little routine. But it's draining. Being on demand and never, ever getting a minute off, even at night, even when someone else is looking after them. Because you can never fully switch off from being a parent and that was something I was completely unprepared for. I don't think anyone can prepare for it - you have to just experience it yourself to know it.

So I think it's great that you wanna know but unfortunately, you're just not gonna know until you do it

But it's all so wonderful despite the hard work. So worth it.

[50KnockingonabiT]

How just nipping to the shop would need careful planning. (My shop being just across the road)

When your twenty something leaves you a note and a prepared cup of coffee because you're catching a flight in the middle of the night, you know you've done something right:)

As corny as it sounds, they're still your babies when they're grown ups.

[WillowWoods]

Ah 50how true.

I'd say ,don't read any baby books(ask parents) or go to any scary antenatal classes. Take HV's advice lightly. Trust your feelings about your baby.
Be prepared to feel like a cross-eyed zombie for quite a few months.

[cloggal]

That your baby is their own person and what works for one doesn't work for all. For some, there might be a struggle to feed, for some it's to sleep, for some it's weaning... We all spend nine months 'deciding' how we are going to approach all these things and certainly in my experience it can all go out the window when baby is actually here. Embrace the chaos. Don't beat yourself up if something doesn't go as planned. Every stage is so short, just enjoy it all.

[kiki0202]

That some babies/kids don't sleep well ever no matter what you do. Being told it will get better at 12 weeks then when they are weaned then when they walk then when they go to nursery is not helpful it's better to do told your child will sleep by 13.

[slightlyinsane]

That getting out of the house will now take you an age.
That baby wipes are your new best friend you will use them for everything.
That you don't need to take the whole house with you when you go out/away, but pack it anyway, you never know.
That sleep deprivation is not a contest between you and your other half, you are both allowed to be tired (you more so obviously).
When things go missing it will become second nature to look in the odd places first, keys in wellies was always popular in our house.
That one day you'll realise you've been watching cbeebies for half an hr and your kids are out.
That some days the milk will live in the oven
That wearing baby milk is the new black

[vashenca]

thanks guys!! :D

[Lorelei353]

How nothing in the world can rock your confidence in yourself like having a baby.

DH and I are both pretty self-assured and confident in our abilities to do things. Neither of us have ever felt so 'at sea' than in those early days. Everything seems so important and the stakes are so high that every decision seems massive. You just care so much about getting things right for your little one. Just felt like we had no idea what we were doing and I felt so useless - even though DS was great and thriving (once bf was established which was hard and misery-inducing at times.)

[Madcat22]

That if you want to breast feed but aren't able/willing to be at the entire beck and call of the baby for two years (eg older DC, return to work, needing time alone to stay sane etc) you really should introduce a bottle (expressed or formula) between 2-4 weeks and give them at least one a day from then or your life will be HELL when you try to wean and they refuse a bottle so you are trapped. Has happened to me and many many people I know.

[TheBreastmilksOnMe]

See that vast chasm over there? On one side is the parent I thought I'd be and on the other side, that's where i actually am.

Dealing with the feelings of gulit, unworthiness of their love and a sense of grieving for my old self is a daily occurrence.

It is so fucking hard. I have three. A boy and two girls and they challenge me in ways I'd never have imagined, pre kids. But I love them to death. I would die for them and I've never felt love like it. They make me laugh and give my life so much more meaning. I find it hard because I care so much. And I set myself impossibly high standards. I just need to relax a bit more.