Puzzled re keeping DS (3) safe at night

[Bug2014]

Hi,
DS is 3 and very tall and since he's been in his own room he has had a stair gate on the door to keep him from going downstairs and wandering about the house getting into (dangerous) mischief at night. Soon he will either work out how to open the stair gate, or manage to climb over it, so we will have to remove it.
I am puzzled about what happens when we do- he is not really safe to use the stairs on his own yet, and obv by no means safe to have unsupervised access to the whole house if he gets up while we are asleep. What do people do in this situation? Just get a taller stair gate? Although he usually wakes us up instantly on waking by shouting from his room, I am concerned that he may wander about quietly at night without waking us, and come to some harm. It would be impossible to make the whole house completely safe for him, every night.
Any enlightenment appreciated!

[ElizabethMedora]

I have climbers. I went into the DC room the other night to find that DD2, who is 2.9, had climbed up into DD1's top bunk by scrambling up the armchair & pulling herself up, & was asleep at DD1's feet. We took the stairgates away at about 2.3 because she would head dive over it. But I have never worried about her drowning herself in the middle of the night.

[spookyskeleton]

Running a bath and getting in it has certainly never occurred to me either I agree that you may be slightly over-thinking this.

DS2 was out of nappies at night by the time he 3.5 so he needed access to the bathroom so a gate on his room would never have worked.

As it is, we didn't have gates on the bedroom door, just one on the top of the stairs and it may still be there even though DS1 is nearly 8 and DS2 is 5 just to make sure they were safe if they were crossing the top of the stairs to come to our bedroom in the middle of the night.

[Heathcliff27]

Mine weren't climbers so hey what do I know...but.....it seems to me that gates are pointless if you have a climber.

[SureFootedWhispher]

I'm worried too OP. DD is only 2.6 and we have a gate across her bedroom because I do not trust her adult brothers to shut the one at the top of the stairs.
I am worried about her using the toilet at night, for some reason I think she might fall down it and drown.

I still use a monitor so I can hear her. It worries me when she is out of bed and unsupervised.

[GertrudeBell]

Another one who has never tried to protect against such dangers. It does all sound a bit cotton woolly.

I now have two DCs and the stair gate we have at the top of the stairs may as well not exist because DS1 (who is 4) opens it so that he can get past and invariably leaves it open.

DS2 (2.5 years) is completely confident on the stairs. I think you'd be better investing time in teaching your DS how to be safe rather than protecting him quite so much.

[Bug2014]

Good range of views and parenting styles here: I suppose as with so many things there is no one "right" answer and as long as kids are loved and safe we are doing ok!

[Needadvice5]

Hi Bug, do you suffer from anxiety?

I've never had a Stair Gate at any of my children's doors, they've never got up during the night to play in the bathroom, I've never had sensors on the stairs or anything else fancy!

Just a bog standard gate at top of the stairs.

As soon as my dc used to wake, they would come into our room and we would wake straight up.

Try not to worry, sounds as though you're getting worried over nothing!

[BackforGood]

I too think you are being over anxious.
None of mine ever had stairgates on their bedroom door.

I have never, ever heard of a child getting up in the middle of the night and deciding to run a bath for themselves . Apart from all my own dc, family and friends, I also work with dc so have known thousands over the years - it really is an odd worry to have. But as others have pointed out, you could remove the plug if your child did have a fixation with running baths in the middle of the night.

Does your child have particular issues with sleep? Generally, once asleep, dc either stay asleep or wake and call for their parent. It seems unusual to have a child who randomly gets up in the night unless there are other issues.

Have to agree I would expect a 3 yr old to be able to come up and down stairs safely too. I would work on that rather than preventing him using them.

[Pastperfect]

I agree with those who think you might be over thinking this - has your DS ever done anything for you to suspect he might do dangerous things at night?

We have never used stairgates and have always slept in a different floor to DCs so as soon as they were in big beds (at 2) they have wandered freely. The worst thing that happens is they bed hop (mine or a siblings)

[ElizabethMedora]

Yes and no Bug. I'm not saying I have the answers but it is possible to keep a child too safe, so it's not jus about whether they are loved & safe.

[Floggingmolly]

Drowning is one of the most common causes of death in young children
But it's almost unheard of for a 3 year old to draw himself a bath in the middle of the night and drown in it, with his parents asleep close by.
They're usually safe on stairs by that age too...
Put a stair gate at the top of the stairs if you think he'll wander about and remove the bath plug. He's almost guaranteed to be fine.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

It's never occurred to me to worry about this though can understand the worry about a tumble down the stairs in the night. We still have a stairgate at the top of the stairs for this reason but it's only ever shut at night when it's dark. I worry that if ds went sleep walking he'd be disorientated and fall downstairs otherwise. He stays in bed and wouldn't go wandering around the house. I would put a gate at the top of the stairs and maybe leave a night light on so if he wants the toilet he can see his way. I honestly think you'd hear him if he began running a bath or doing anything else he shouldn't. 3 year olds don't tend to be quiet ime!

[Notso]

We have never had gates at the top of the stairs or on bedroom doors, in our old house the stairway was too narrow. In this house because of a turn in the stairs we can't get a good fit.
There is a gate between my 3 and 2 year olds room and the bathroom but we only shut it when they are playing in their room so they don't go into my older DC's room and break their stuff. It is always open at night.

I have 4 DC and too my knowledge only one has gone downstairs without us hearing. DS2 crept downstairs at about 4am couple of months back and ate two Danish pasties and a ginger muffin, he merrily came to tell us about his picnic afterwards.

We do have a very tall dog gate at the bottom of the stairs but this is mostly to protect the older DC's rooms than to keep the boys off the stairs.
The bath thing wouldn't enter my head.

[MaryWestmacott]

It's unlikely your DS will draw a bath in the middle of the night, it's not something I've heard of 3yos doing at any time of hte day, have you ever seen him put the plug in, turn on the bath and climb in at any other time of day?

At 3, a lot of DCs are beginning to get dry at night, you will have to give access to the bathroom. If your DC is still in nappies at night, then you could just put the stair gate over the top of the stairs and keep your bathroom door shut.

but mainly you need a big push on teaching him to use the stairs safely, by 3 years old, we'd stopped closing the stair gate at the top of the stairs, had none at the bottom and most of DC1's friends didn't have gates much after 2.5 years unless they had a younger sibling.

[KaFayOLay]

I'm full of envy that you can sleep through your child waking.

Mine are 11 and 7 and I still wake up at the slightest noise, regardless where it is coming from.

The days I used to sleep through thunderstorms are long gone and sorely missed

Sorry, no advice.

[Bug2014]

Thanks to those that have been constructive.

[hippo123]

In the nicest possible way I think your over thinking things. I don't know of anyone who uses stair gates at 3. When he wakes he'll either shout for you or come into your bedroom. I think you have to learn to trust him a bit more and / or learn from his own mistakes.

[lola88]

I would think because of his age the gate at the top of the stairs would be more dangerous than without if he climbs over it he's much more likely to fall over than to fall just walking down. I have just took my kitchen gate away because DS was trying to climb it we are now focusing on safety instead of prevention. I would advise a small lock on the outside of the bathroom door for your piece of mind and a baby monitor so you will hear him. DS has never had a gate on his door from 17mo and he has never gone anywhere but to me I don't think children do tend to wander at night.

[Needadvice5]

A lock on the bathroom door?

Surely he needs free access to the bathroom so he can take himself to the toilet? more so during the night!

[fledermaus]

I haven't had a gate on DS's door or the stairs since he was about 2.5.

We have a downstairs toilet so he still has a potty in his room at night (aged 4 now) although he doesn't use it.

I really doubt a child would go downstairs on their own in the dark, and surely you would hear them getting out of bed or running a bath anyway?

[lola88]

needadvice5 I'm assuming since OP has gates he doesn't need access to bathroom at night or if he is out of nappies OP doesn't want him to go to the bathroom alone so for her piece for mind so she can sleep without worrying about him with a view that once she feels he is safe at night it can be removed.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter how much we say don't worry OP needs to be able to sleep at night without worrying anymore than she already is.

[GermyElephant]

We have a gate on the top of the stairs. I still close it at night as i would worry about 3.2 yo DS falling down them as he has to go past on route to the bathroom.
But we don't close it during the day. Most 3 year olds should manage to negotiate stairs safely in daylight.

[QTPie]

Would suggest taking the bedroom gate off first and seeing what he does. We did it at about 2 years 9 months - made it very clear if he came out if his room instead of going to sleep, the gate would go back up again - it worked. He would come into us in the mornings.

We kept a gate at the top of the stairs until 3 years 10 months (we were moving house, it seemed a good time to do it). We have moved a second time and he has still not gone downstairs without us (4 years 5 months).

DS is a climber and an explorer, but certain things don't occur to him - ie "it's bed time, I stay in my room, I go to sleep, I wake up, I go into mummy and daddy's room". I don't know how normal that is!

It may be that your son is a lot better than you think he will be. Yes, some kids do get up to mischief, but fingers crossed yours won't.

[greyslates]

I was advised never to put a stair gate at the top of stairs. If they work out how to climb one on their bedroom door, no harm done. But if they climb one for the first time at the top of stairs, you risk them falling all the way down the stairs from the top of the gate- therefore more risk of serious injury than just falling down stairs. Makes sense to me, I won't be putting a gate at the top of my stairs!

[Mutley77]

I am a bit puzzled by your questions. I have 3DC (aged 9, 5 and 1). I have never even considered this an issue - and I can certainly be an anxious parent!!

My stance has always been to teach my DC about safety. So even at 12 months - my DD has access to hot things (not dangerously so, such as free access to a cup of liquid hot enough to scald her) and I "show" her they are hot, say "hot, ouch" and she recognises the issue. She has touched a heater and realised - cried for a few seconds - and hasn't done it since.

I always ensure that my house is safe from any immediate danger i.e. no pools of water they could drown in, all dangerous chemicals and medications locked away, balcony locked with key which is out of reach of any child, no unattended gas/open fire... But other than that I think a bit of experimentation is a good thing. I can't imagine either of my elder DC at age 3 going to explore unattended, let alone running and drowning in a bath - and clearly they never did. I wonder if your DS has some additional needs, if he has shown form for that kind of behaviour?