Concerned about friend's baby

[Yetsofar]

So I have a friend who has a baby, he's about 8 months old. I love her so much, and she loves him so much, he's pretty much her whole life now, and I can see that she's trying to be the best mother she possibly can, spending most of her money on his needs, and taking him to baby groups/library groups etc, she had a terrible childhood herself with an abusive mother, so she is absolutely determined to be the opposite of her, and she's doing a brilliant job otherwise.

However, there are a few behaviours that I've seen that have got me slightly concerned for his welfare. I know roughly the stages of development he should be at, (although I know every child is very different) and I do think he's a bit behind. I really don't want to go to social, as I don't believe it's that serious at all, however I'm wondering how to talk to her and if there's any advice I can reasonably give/ resources I could point her to...I don't have a child so I know she's more likely to see it as an insult if I don't handle this right.

• He is stuck in his high chair, IMO far too much. Last time I was over there for example, I was there for 2 1/2 hours and he was in there for almost the whole time, save for nappy changing and a dance on my lap She says that she doesn't want him crawling in the living room as she doesn't have a carpet yet, just floorboards, but I gave her a huge rug not long ago for that purpose.
  
• She is saying that she will not get him vaccinated, (MMR etc) because of scare stories that she's seen on the internet. I know this is a contentious issue, but it's gotten me worried.
  
• She is feeding him far too much mushy food. He should be on soft solids by now, but all she gives him, save for soft berries and the occassional rusk, is very mushy baby food, as she says he doesn't like the solid stuff. Surely this will impact speech development?
  
• She smokes in the house. I'm a smoker myself, but I feel very uncomfortable smoking in any house, let alone with a baby in there. Again, this is a behaviour born out of naivety, as she does it in the kitchen whilst he is in the living room and her family all do it, but I don't know how to get the danger across without seeming stuck up.
  

I'd like to reiterate that the baby is very well loved, fed more than enough, nappies changed whenever needed, and not at risk of any physical harm or neglect. It's just that she comes from an extremely troubled background and there are some little things which do concern me, as she just doesn't have some of the knowledge, and the last thing I want to do is come across as insulting or patronising.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Trooperslane]

You're totally out of order op.

You don't sound like a good friend at all. I'm glad you're not in my house making lists if what you think I'm shite at.

[Branleuse]

has her having her baby made you wish you had one.

wondering if you're feeling a littlw jealous and thats why youre criticising her parenting

[Yetsofar]

Going to say again for the final time that my aim isn't to criticize. Maybe I've been naive, but I think it's ridiculous that you're only allowed to show concern for a child if you have children yourself. I spend so much time with him, and she is my best friend, that's why I wanted some advice from other sources. Thanks blond for helpful advice, and others.

[conorsrockers]

Interestingly, if this was 40 years ago, you would probably think that she has a well behaved baby for sitting still for so long and they are very responsible for going into a different room to smoke!!
Don't fret OP - it sounds like your friend is doing her best and that's all any of us can do. They all catch up and the health visitor/nursery/whatever professional baby comes into contact with will keep an eye on their development. Maybe suggest next time that you meet up for a coffee at a soft play centre and make it clear you are happy to get in and play with them (when you are not drinking your coffee!)

[50ShadesofShite]

[Mumof3xx]

You need to back off

[mrspatpat]

I hate to say it op but even if you down spend a lot of time with this baby it doesn't give you a say on how he is raised.no matter how much you care for him I promise that his mum loves him more. Whether you are a friend or family or how much interaction you have with the child, the overall responsibility lies with his mother I used to hate the saying that until you have kids that you won't understand. It is true for some things. It us hard to understand how sensitive it makes you to criticism about your parenting choices. Everybody tries to defend their own choices. But the thing is everybody parents differently and you have to respect her choices. If you do pick apart her parenting you might hurt, offend and possibly alienate her. I know I wouldn't respond well to it. I think what people are trying to say is allow her to make her decisions and hold your tongue unless you think there is an actual real danger to the child. It is horrible having to justify all your decisions to people. Support your friend, it is good that she has people around her who care so much and it would be terrible if it caused the friendship to end. I know.

[Quinteszilla]

The only thing that I can see wrong is the smoking.

However, I grew up in a house where I could cut through the fog, as my dad and my uncle who lived with us smoked heavily. Not sure that I can attribute my chronic sinusitis to this though, but I am otherwise OK. I started smoking at 17 though, as it was what i was used to, but managed to stop around the age of 25.

Have you thought that she keeps him in the high chair while you are visiting so that she can focus better on you? Maybe she finds it hard to parent, sit on the floor and play with her child, and race after a crawling baby while she feels she should be chatting and entertaining you? Why dont you lead the way, ask if you can take him out of the pushchair and sit down on the floor with him and start chatting to her?

Why dont you suggest that you and her take the baby to the park while you visit? Fresh air would do you all good.

[Quinteszilla]

Also, when visiting your friend, dont smoke in her house. Make a point. Say I dont want to smoke indoors with your baby, so I will just nip outside for a moment.

Or stop smoking together with her - you will save lots, and gain a good health.

[LIZS]

You don't have children of your own ? Honestly she sounds as if she is doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Yes your observations may not be ideal in several ways but you can't know whether leaves him in his highchair all day every day or just so he is at level to talk to you while supervising , babies do not stay on a rug when they crawl and so on. Encourage her to talk to hv and attend parenting and mums/tots groups at her local children's centres that way she will become better informed about weaning, vaccinations, effect of smoking etc

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

At this age mine could only just sit up in a ring and inbetween they went in the baby gym, door way bouncer and play pen tbh as I was pregnant again and feeling ill or dealing with the older one.

Long time to be in a high chair yes. But to crawl at such a young age is really good imo. So I agree with others that he must have had time to learn by being on the floor. She may do things differently when you're not there. Do you make a lot of comments when there?

It sounds almost like you mother her.

There are great parenting classes run by sure start that you could attend with her as he gets older but if you suggested it, she may feel you're inferring she's not doing a good job and personally she sounds like she's doing a great job to me. Not keen on the smoking but at least it's in another room.

Mine were still on whizzed up food at this age. Maybe a few lumps in it but purée like.

Nothing sounds concerning to me. So I hope after all these replies you feel a bit better?

If he is crawling it can be exhausting running around after them child proofing everything. Maybe he's in the high chair for a break so she can chat to you?

Does she have stair gates or a play pen?

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

That should have said puree

[PirateJones]

OP: please don't worry, some of those things you mentioned are not ideal but they are all far from being anything to worry social services about.
For example, although he was in the highchair for a long period, he was also changed and not forgotten about.
Likewise, he was obviously fed and interacted with.

[BertieBotts]

I can see you have good intentions OP but I think you need to butt out. It's not your child (and IMO it makes no difference if you have children or not) and nothing you mention sounds horrendous - not even sure why everyone is freaking out about the smoking, yes it's unhealthy and carries risks but she's unlikely to be totally unaware of this, there are ad campaigns on TV and her doctor/health visitor/midwife will have mentioned it. Ultimately it is not illegal and it is her choice.

If she was unhappy and saying "Oh I can't cope. I feel so anxious about him being on the floor so I coop him up all the time, I know it's bad but I can't help it. I keep smoking because I'm so stressed but I know it harms him. I can't get him to eat lumpy food. I'm too scared to get him vaccinated" then you'd have a reason to try and help her but she sounds perfectly fine. Not vaccinating is a valid choice that lots of people make.

[oOlaurenOo]

Crawling at 8 months is actually pretty good going!