my world is ending

[Jellymum1]

In short, my sister has accused my dad who is not her dad of sexual abuse when she was a child. We were both sexually abused by our brother. He is out of our lives/lives in another country but we always agreed never to tell our mum who would be too upset. Me and my sister are not close. My dad DID NOT abuse me. She is saying that her counsellor is going to issue an "investigation" into my dads relationship with my 4 year old. I havent heard anything in whats been nearly a week. My dad has showed no signs he has heard anything? My mind is doing somersaults constantly I cant eat/sleep/function. The samaritans although good at listening dont offer advice. Ive rang numerous counselling sevcies but not got any replies. Im going insane waiting for social services? Police? To turn up on my doorstep. I am dreading what they are going to put my daughter through. I am 31 weeks pregnant and terrified and alone. I have NO local support whatsoever (except my husband but I mean out of the immidiate turmoil) I am srruggling now to look after myself I feel sick. My mum now knows and phoned me yesterday...she hates my dad anyway they were divorced when I was 9. I dont have any worries about my daughter she seems normal/happy/healthy she loves her grandad? She has never said anything to concern me or behaved like she doesnt like him? Im so confused so messed up and so very very alone and scared.

[Jellymum1]

Mrs hunkermunker that must have been worrying and shocking too. Thats suprising not much happened if there was a police investigation too. Thank you for that I will look it up. It's amazing there is no support for this...I can find support for us at all except the samaritans but that is just a lot of "and how does that make you feel". I want actual support and information but there is none!

[mrshunkermunker]

Different circumstances, but we found out my fil had been abusing my niece a couple of years ago. He was arrested after my neice gave evidence and we waited to be contacted. Surprisingly little happened. I just had one phone call from the childrens protection team to check i knew the terms of his bail! Our dc did not have much contact with him and I'm confident he did not do anything to them when he did visit (no opportunity, they were still very young), but I thought there would have been more of an investigation.
I haven't had much contact with them, but the Lucy Faithfull Trust works with families affected by abuse and have a phone line for support- not sure if they offer advice or not.

[Jellymum1]

Yes thumbwich. I have come off facebook and whatsapp so its not as easy to track me down! Im going to just try my hardest to hold it together and hope to god that my daughter isnt caused any undue stress. Xxx

[Thumbwitch]

Your sister is being very selfish, even if she has got terrible troubles. She should not be increasing your stress and anxiety while you are pregnant, how rude of her!

Let's face it, there is NOTHING you can do to help her feel less rotten or help her cope - so there is really no point her telling you these things, as all it does is make you feel bad. She needs professional help, by the sounds of it, and you are not it.

Can you "lose" your phone, so that you don't see all these messages? Just for a while.

[Jellymum1]

I mean I wont care about her not seeing him not I wont care about what he has done! Urgh im so tired. I cant even be pleased about the lack of appetite/weight loss because im 31 weeks pregnant so im just worried about the stress effect on the baby/up coming labour. It really is too klmuch im not sure I can hold it together im really not.

[Jellymum1]

No idea jesse at all thats the hardest thing. If I knew for a fact what would happen now I think id feel a bit more in control. You know I really do suffer with anxiety myself at the best of times so this is horrific. But im so soft...she keeps texting me and I just feel so guilty if I ignore and if I say look I really need some space she lays on thick how dreadful she feels, she is not coping ect it makes me feel rotten. I just CANNOT STOP thinking about it. I feel awful and just am crying constantly I just dont know what to think. Im trying so hard to be "normal" for my daughter but its so hard when im in so much pain inside. If this is true it means they have all let my daughter be at risk for 4 and a half years!!! Thats unforgivable! And in that time she established a wonderful relationship with her grandad and now what? Shes not allowed to see him again? (Obviously if hes touched my daughter I wont care but I really really really dont think he has). Its just too awful I just want to run away :(

[jessyjane]

I think now you should distance yourself and focus on you and your daughter.hopefully you get some answers out of this.
I think instinct is a huge help.
have you any idea how it will go from here.
this must be awful for you.
really sorry and massive hugs. x

[Jellymum1]

I know that attheendoftheday i'm not implying she wasn't. Just that I am upset/scared and about too loose everyone in my life it feels. My sister is and always has been trouble. Thats got to come from somewhere hasnt it. She clearly needs help.

[attheendoftheday]

I don't think you should be worried about ss, they are just there to ensure your dd is safe.

You could be right that your dsis is making it up. But it is also not unusual for one sibling to be abused and others not, and for it to be done in secret. Just because you weren't abused doesn't mean your sis wasn't.

[Jellymum1]

(I currently dont do the school run because I work and she is with a child minder but I finish in 4 weeks to get ready for dd number 2!)

[Jellymum1]

Hi thumbwich. Shes already in school, well nursery but it is attached to the school and is a full time place. I think we are quite lucky I dont think many schools still intake at 3. So she will start reception in September.

[Thumbwitch]

You said your DD was 4 - is she in preschool of any kind? Is she starting school this coming September? It might be an idea to find out if there is a "feeder" preschool for whichever school you're hoping to get her into, that way she can start to meet children likely to be in her school now, which will be of benefit to her - and you can get to know the parents now, rather than waiting until it's school time, which can be a bit frenetic.

[Jellymum1]

I am shy. I have contact with old school friends but they dont live close by now so I dont have any "tangible" friends. Maybe I can redirect my stress and worry to getting me and DD out and about. My husband has his man work mates who all seem nice and some of whom have children....I might ask him to put his feelers out with them too.

[Thumbwitch]

Pleased to hear it!

Re. school gate conversations - they can be tricky, people are often in a rush, so again don't be disheartened. Try to find the parents of the children in your DD1's class so you have that in common with them too - it's also useful to have people to bounce concerns off later on, if you have any.

Socialising can be quite hard going to start with, especially if you're at all shy or uncertain of yourself - but keep at it, like many things it becomes easier with practice so long as you are able to bounce back from any perceived "rejections".

Your DH sounds like a good'un. :)

[Jellymum1]

Thank you thumbwich! I am afraid of feeling lonely when I have the second baby as I wont have work. But in time I hope I can go to baby groups. I was rubbish at them with DD1 though! I will start doing the school runs though when I finish work :) so prehaps I can try some school gate conversations in time.

My husband is being very lovely. Says its only ever been us anyway and he told me to really really think about what good things/value id be missing if they werent in my life and I couldnt think of anything! Its always me going to them! (Except my mother does have a nice caravan at the sea side I shall miss using that!!)

Gosh isnt it funny how much getting something off your chest helps. This morning I was utterly despairing and had no idea how id get through the day. Just popping on here and feeling less alone and is really helping x

[Thumbwitch]

If your family are all weird and toxic, your DD is going to start noticing very soon, if she hasn't already. So going NC with them might feel a bit odd to her to start with, but will probably be of more benefit to her long-term.

Making friends - I used to find it hard to do so because I always looked at the differences, but when I moved to a new country with DH, I had to start from scratch and I found that finding even one thing in common with people was a good start - even if that was us having a child of similar age! You may not like the idea of playgroups, but they're a good place to start - put yourself out a bit, talk to people - or if you don't like talking, then it's a really good idea to listen very hard to what others are saying. People like good listeners, especially if they are talkers themselves. Listen and remember stuff about these people, and they'll be pleasantly surprised that you've taken an interest in them, and hopefully they'll reciprocate - if not immediately, then quite quickly.
The trick is to not get disheartened if it doesn't work first time. If one group really doesn't work for you, go elsewhere. And if people ask about your family, brush it off - tell people they're not very interesting, you don't see them much because they have their own lives etc. - you don't need to worry about telling people all the ins and outs of your relationships with your family, not until they have become proper friends, and only then if you want to.

[Jellymum1]

I think I have moved from shock, to rage (I was furious yesterday) to now just resentment and emptiness....

[Jellymum1]

Oh I know you werent suggesting it. Sorry. She has been texting/ringing being very dramatic "dont fall out with meeeeee" type stuff. Even now is messaging my hubby saying dont take my sister away from me because I had said I cant be her support. Sorry im all mixed up.

Seriously considering just going no contact with all of them as I have said they have been a traumatic bunch to grow up with and I definately fell far from the apple tree. Feel like just telling them all this is the last straw now. At worst shes telling the truth and has known my child could be at risk all this time, at best shes lying and if thats the case I cant forgive her anyway. It would be hardest to nc my dad...but hey in for a penny in for a pound. We went no contact with dh toxic brother 12 months ago and it was really hard at first but life is much nicer without him? I need to learn how to make friends though I dont really have any. I find it quite hard to make friends really because I never have much in common with anyone.

Biggest fear is DD really suffering and being stuck with me and her dad...I think she quite likes having extra people around?

[Thumbwitch]

Oh goodness, I wasn't suggesting that you should keep supporting her to your own/ your family's detriment, and I'm sorry if it looked as though I was.

No, she has to find her own way forward out of this mess and at no point should her behaviour be allowed to have any impact on your DD.

[Jellymum1]

Oops... I agree she certainly has problems and they certainly need dealing with. But I cant support her at the moment im afraid. All ive done is Support her and she has made me angry. We certainly are very different and coped very different with the abuse. I was very lucky though to meet my husband at just 18 and he helped me deal with an awful lot and I could trust him and talk to him. I feel for my sister I really do but right now I have no room in my very broken heart for her. All I care about is my daughter :(

[Jellymum1]

I agree thumbwitch. She certainly

[Thumbwitch]

Perhaps your sister's alcoholism stems from her trying to deal with the abuse she suffered, at your brother's hands at least, maybe/maybe not from your Dad? People cope with traumas differently, and maybe that was her, admittedly not very good but still very common, coping strategy.

[Jellymum1]

*why the investigation doesnt include allegations about my brothet I mean. And sorry for appauling spelling mobile&emotions dont mix well

[Jellymum1]

Thanks fairy. Logically I know ss wont just tear her away but its still a stigma isnt it having them come snooping and assuming it will always be on record. I really believe if nothing else I have nothing to worry about with my dad and daughters relationship I have racked my brains for warning signs and just cant think of anything. Jessyjane I really wouldnt like to say she is lying cos why would she but I am so confused as to why the investigation doesnt seem to include allegations about him. Im trying so hard to function but I just feel sick. My sister is an alcoholic and has infact neglected her own children amd gave her own daughter up. The background here is so complicated and its rather a toxic family. However I have always managed to let them be in my daughters life and they were all severely warned that their strange ways were not to affect my daughter. I feel now like telling them all to eff off out of my life forever I have spent a lot of time and energy supporting them all through various shit and quite frankly ive had enough. Not sure how productive that is for my daughter though. For all her faults she does love my sister. I feel more inclined to taking my dads side if that makes sense. He also has been a bit of a knob in the past but in recent years has been one of my more stable family members. I trust him. I dont really trust my sister? Its so sad. I fear my daughter picks up on my stress she is very emotional today. We have been to tje park to try and blow off some cobwebs but she seems totally fed up. I obviously havent discussed anyhting in front of her I think ahe is just picking up on my low mood which is making me feel guilty.

[jessyjane]

stay strong.you will get through it.try not to think the worst.
is there a chance your sister is lying.(blaming dad instead of dealing with the brother situation?)

what does your gut/instinct tell you?