Confused! 2vs 3 children decision with a child with cancer

[ekkiethump]

We have 2 children 4.5 DS and 2.5 DD. Our DD has leukaemia and is currently having chemotherapy which will be ongoing for the next 20 months.
Before her diagnosis we were happy with our 2 children but since her diagnosis we are going round and round in circles about having a 3rd.
We both would love a third, and although our DD has a very good chance of cure, we still have to face the possibility of losing her and the thought of only having 1 child and my DS having no siblings is unbearable.
At the same time, it is very very difficult at times with hospital visits, frequent infections and hospital admissions and lots of chemotherapy and side effects. Am not sure we would cope with 3. It seems so difficult with 3 and we are already in a semi sleep deprived state plus there is the financial implications as well as less time for ourselves.
We are driving ourselves loopy.
Just wondering if anyone can throw a different angle to our dilemma or even possibly been through similar.
Thank you

[thornrose]

Oh Twunk, thank goodness, poor OP may have been scared away

[Catrin]

Not sure how helpful this will be but it is a very honest perspective...
My grandad told my grandmother that he thought they should have a second. She had chronic PND with their first (my uncle) and didn;t want to go through it again. My grandfather's argument, this being the late 1940s and coloured by his family experiences, was that if anything happened to their son, they would always regret not having another. Enter stage left, my mother.
Sadly, my grandfather died. Then my uncle. Then my mother. My grandmother always said that as utterly devastating as it was to lose her babies, (51 and 56) it was better to have loved them and known them, than to have just dreamt of them.

I wish your dd every possible well vibe. Noone can advise you on this one, but I will say, that possibly it would do for you to put your energy into your dd, rather than expend it on a pregnancy. It does not suit pregnant women to sleep in uncomfortable chairs, forgo lunch for blood tests etc.

[Twunk]

You know I will confess to having EXACTLY the same thought as the OP. It's a hard thing to admit to, but I was devastated by the thought of only having one child alive. Obviously I've tried not to dwell on it, and I have never said it out loud (until now) but all sorts of horrendous thoughts go through your mind with the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness.

[SquidgersMummy]

Can all those who left sarcy comments, strike throughs and '' please come back and let us know how they are so bloody knowledgeable on this issue....personally I try to not jump in what I do not know what it must be like for the OP. Just a thought.....

[Twunk]

Thank you Squidgers I sometimes think that people should engage brain before typing an answer...

[mummeeee]

I have 2 dcs, the eldest has a lifelong life limiting condition with a very uncertain future although her condition is currently well managed & she is generally well (although has high care needs).

I am 37 wks pregnant with dc3 and the uncertainty of our eldest child's future was a factor in our decision for dc3. We are both from large families & would have likely wanted more than 2 dcs anyway, but part of our decision making was in feeling stronger as a larger family, better able to support each other now & in the future. Such as if our eldest went through transplant, had a long period of hospital admissions etc. We also think it helps to reinforce 'normal' family life, so that we help to keep things like holidays as fun & typical as possible.
I can't really describe it but to us it felt like the right thing for our family. We have had 3 m/c's since making this decision, so having dc3 has not been simple but we still feel it is right for us. That's not to say we haven't questioned it when I've felt ill & not been able to do as much with the dcs as I want to.

However, op, having been in and out of hospital with dd over the years I agree with some other posters about the stress you're under at the moment. If you feel comfortable waiting (your age is not too limiting a factor, no fertility problems etc) my advice might be to make the decision, but if it is to try for dc3 to maybe wait a while. Perhaps think we will reassess in 3 months time & then try not to keep thinking until the 3 months have passed.

Mainly I want to say we can really understand your thoughts & feelings. It is a difficult decision and I have had a lot of strange looks as it is difficult for others to understand.

[thornrose]

Squidgers I said much the same as you, I can't believe some of the horribly insensitive "opinions" expressed on this thread!

[Twunk]

Yes thank you too Thornrose

[cafecito]

I think those who responded without insight should not have piled in - nobody can put themselves in your shoes unless they have faced similar themselves, no matter their moral standing on broader issues raised.

I never wanted a second child, and then DC1 died. I now have DC2, who is upset there is no sibling to play with- but who is a joy and I am very glad I had him. Not for one second will he ever replace or come near to replacing DC1 and this in itself raises a whole ton of murky ambiguity deep within and has indeed raised issues for him too despite his young age.

I really think it's important to make this decision on the basis that DD will live. You really must think positively - she is in treatment - think positively please.

Secondly only then if you think you will cope with DD sick and a new baby, can you proceed and choose to have that new baby.

Thirdly - it would be particularly bad in my experience to be pregnant while experiencing a bereavement. So if you are intending to only have another child if DD dies - which is understandable but not easy reading for most I'm sure - if tht happens which hopefully it will not - but then my advice to you is to wait, let the dust settle, take in what has happened, grieve, and then decide to have another child, which may lessen pathogical grief reactions and impact on your health and the baby, even delaying your reaction completely.

So, no - what you are thinking makes sense - but whatever you choose now must be with the firm belief DD will survive and you will have 3 children.

[cafecito]

typos sorry

[jobquandry]

One of my siblings is my parents' 4th child and was born a year after their 3rd child died aged 6 months old. Said sibling is NOT a replacement child.

[cafecito]

Van Gogh was a replacement child - that didn't turn out well

In reality, no child will be a replacement child, they will always be their own person and character and irreplaceable and inimitable in their own way

I think sometimes an illusion of having a child back may make this impossibility very hard to reconcile - but this is rare and stigmatised as a topic of conversation. I'm sure people have thought about it though - if only they could come back

OP this is not your situation of course and yours is more a practical matter of how do you cope with 3? what if baby isn't well? and how does it fit with all of your plans including DD too?

best of luck with everything - if it's right for your family then of course, have a third baby. but make sure it's on its own merits if you can. Hope DD makes a good recovery. would second/third suggestions to go to the children with cancer thread etc - many people have faced similar thoughts and decisions when faced with such unthinkable diagnoses

[ekkiethump]

Thank you all for your positive comments.
I did go to bed having read the first few comments thinking I had done wrong posting but hey ho.
I am 34 so fertility not a huge problem I suppose and I think if we were to have another one I would have to organise help - either paid or family so need to save for that.
Twunk - it makes me feel better that I am not the only "crazy" person!

[Twunk]

Hi Ekkie glad you came back.

The thing about childhood cancer, especially Leukaemia (well ALL anyway) is that the most common age for it to strike is around 4 years old - so there are many people who are pregnant, or have a newborn, when their other DC has just been diagnosed. They manage. I also know of a few people who have become pregnant during treatment.

Alex is low risk for it to relapse and his MRDs were negative (we're in NL and treatment is a little different) - so his treatment now is on the 'easy' side. I assume you are a few months into treatment, so depending on her regimen the worst is nearly over.

You'll manage regardless, but you may want to make it easy on yourself and postpone for a while. Really only you know the dynamics of your family life and how you feel. Many people find a new baby a wonderful distraction from everything going on. My only concern is if things go wrong with a scan etc) I'd find it hard to cope. But then I've coped with being told my son has cancer, and we got through it.

Thanks for sharing your experience cafecito - much love to you xx

[QTPie]

Hi OP

You poor thing - I cannot even start to imagine how you feel :( x

I would focus on the 4 of you might now - you need all of your energy, but put that thought on hold. I think that your thoughts are completely natural, but the physical strain might be too much right now and you would likely feel guilty about bit being able to give DD and DS the attention they might need if you have a new baby now. You don't want that guilt.

Take care and very best wishes to your DD.

QT

[isitme1]

Op I cant say we are in the same situation but can say that ds1(3 and half) is ill with gastric problems and is fed via tube (gastrostomy) and has sn (borderline autistic) hes in hospital a lot and has a poor immune system so is always getting infections.
Ds 2 is 7months and when he was 2 months old we were in hospital all day while ds1 was in theatre having tests done. When he came round he reacted badly to the anesthetic and let him home hours later.
dh works long hours and cant get time off.
Ds1 loves his brother and watches him and im hoping hes learnt from ds2. Im currently pg with no.3 (unplanned) at first I was really worried but I know I will cope. I have to. Im learning to drive (taking test soon) and once ive mastered that then hopefully it will be ok.
Its hard. Its bloody hard. I cant imagine the worry you are going through. Do whats right for you
hope dd has a speedy recovery x

[Twunk]

Isitme - good luck with your test! And congratulations on your pregnancy

[isitme1]

Thank you twunk x

[HolidayCriminal]

Nicola Horlick had this choice & chose a big family, has admitted as much.