I know, the thread is a bit old but the topic is still quite actual and to be honest, I am shocked when I read myself through the postings.
I thought, my husband overreacts a bit too much but now?
It makes the thought of packing up the entire family and fleeing the country even stronger... But then I know, although not being born British I would not want to live anywhere else anymore.
I am originally from Germany but British Resident for 3 years now. Still, my first year I spend 6 days a week in our shop and 1 day at home. Outside those two places I came only when it was for banking or groceries. 2012 my son was born and ever since I am most of the time at home as I have neither family nor friends here. So I never really got in touch with the British Clockwork of Authorities besides with Credits or Benefits maybe.
However, my husband, being a Social Worker himself for many years (before we started our business) never gave me even a hint on what NOT to say if you deal with Health Visitor or other authorities in this country. So 3 weeks ago we had the 2-years-check-up. As the day before my son has been very sick but seemed to be fine again next day it didn't cancel it and went happily ever after...
She asked me about my concerns and me, being naive enough not to see any harm in it, told her that I am having trouble for more than a year now to get the little one fully off breast feeding. I explained to her that I have tried any teats and any milk powder available in the UK, even goats milk I've tried but he refuses everything. He is eating solid food well, but I am his soother and night time anchor as I am somehow convinced he has a problem with the darkness being alone. Never in daytime we have sleeping problems or that he would want my milk besides if he is sick, but three, four times a night he tries to get hold of me and doesn't want to sleep alone although we have a night light.
However. When talking about all of this I explained that I have tried it for a week and gave up after 4 days as he was making a fuss all night and nobody could really sleep and that I am worried about my husbands rest which he desperately needs.
I assume, this was my first mistake to use the word "worry" or in connection with husband.
She asked why it worries me and I explained to her, that he hasn't had one day off in the past 3 years of having our business as he is constantly trying to enhance it to provide the family and come off benefits one day. But because his brain never really rests he is most of the time very exhausted in the evening when he's coming home and our son and even our daughter at times can be really, really noisy - sometimes out of happiness, sometimes because they fight. He cannot take this noise as patiently as I can take it.
That was certainly my bigger mistake in my naive honesty.
She asked if he slabs the boy or both or me...
I denied everything as it is the truth but obviously haven't been clever enough to be wary of where it could lead to, I explained that he is just shouting or telling me to take the boy away before he feels like slabbing him.
At this appointment he had the healing mark of an unfortunate collision with our desk in our shop (that's at least what I assume has happened as it has its edges right next to the steps to the rear room where I have been in when he started crying). She asked me about it and I told her that he must have hit the desk in our shop but as I haven't been with him in reach at this time and my husband said he had turned his back to him as he was talking to our employee, it is only a guess. Now I am very much sure she took this as well as a sign of "child at risk"...
As Sultan still wasn't 100% he didn't show any interest of interacting for his check-up and she told me she will send out another appointment in a few months time and I left.
Next day she came with a "colleague" to our house when I was just about to pick up my daughter from nursery. Oh, she said, she had to do in my neighborhood and thought she give it a try if we are in and see, if little young man is willing to interact and complete the session today, if that's okay. So I sent my eldest daughter to pick up her sister. The other lady was introduced as a colleague. That she made notes didn't seem strange to me as of course they wanted to see Sultan.
Again they asked me all sorts of question and as Sultan still didn't feel like interacting with them they left after about 15mins.
Next day the health visitor called me asking for the 8years old daughter I had mentioned the other day and I corrected her and said, it is 18 and the one she has met. Oh, she said, she must have mixed this up with something else.
Later I thought it was only an excuse to call as again she asked how am I, how are the kids, everything all right...
Then I didn't hear anything till yesterday.
Again without giving notice the health visitor showed up with a lady she introduced as a SW and again I was asked all these questions again and being told that because of WHAT I have said the health visitor has reported it to the SW and she must write her assessment on it now and therefore she MUST see and talk to my husband as well.
That's the point when my life seemed came to an end.
I explained to her again that it is totally a waste of time as nobody in this house was, is or will ever be at risk but she said, now that it was reported she just has to do her job.
My husband has very, very bad experience with SW in his previous marriage where the wife kept calling the police and SW whenever she didn't want him at home and I believe it as she did sent the police to my home in the very beginning, too, telling them that I am illegal in this country and my daughter is at risk... It ended with two very, very inconvenient feeling cops, giving me their apologies but of course they had to go and check but they said, this women has done it not the first time, she is well known there and this time will get a warning for wasting authorities time.
And because of this previous experience it came as it had to come. Although he says he is not angry with me as I just didn't know, he still kept asking me why I had to go this way and if I wanted him out there is an easier way without involving the SW... And in this thinking he is so stuck.
I said, that because he knows the whole system behind for he is a SW himself it shouldn't be a problem to turn around and mess up their brains instead so they are getting back on the right track and bother those families who really need help or protection. But he is furious, telling me, that if you go there and tell them: "I am insane, I need help!" it take them up to 6 months to send out a SW but in extreme cases the pop up within 24 hours so I must have said something that they could purposely misunderstand and so on and so forth and now we will have not even the peace of using a tissue the way we want as because he is a Pakistani and dark complexioned on top, to them he already is nothing but a 3rd class citizen.
Unfortunately, my husband seems to prefer the "lonesome trip" and not standing by my side as a strong couple I always thought we are, so I need to get advise from you all HOW to deal with them in future, HOW to TALK to them in future, what to say, what not even to mention and so on. Any experience and hint is very much appreciated may it be tiny-weeny or big. For now I am even afraid if the boy has his next accident with a toy or piece of furniture as he has no fear of getting hurt, they might take it as child abuse.
Thank you very, very much for any help !!!
Neelam