Did anyone elses marriage go down the craphole when they had a child?

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

Just wondering whether anyone else had their marriage turn sour after having a child? Constant arguments, no sex, no fun, doing things seperately, etc.

Suppose I'm seeking some reassurance.

My DD is 5 months.

[toody]

Allthough my ex was excited at the thought of being a dad the reality was a shock it was obvious he couldn't stand not being the most important person in my life and just shut us both out, he has new partner and has said definately no children ever or not for years

[TickettyBoo]

Lol WikiSpeaks, think you may be right there!!

[WikiSpeaks]

brings you closer together???

That sounds like some daft advice from the 50's that women gave to each other to trap men into marriage

[TickettyBoo]

I feel for you - whatever happened to the saying "a baby brings you closer together" - did some alien really say that! lol.

Can't really add to what has been said as I'm in same boat - but some helpful replies that have given me something to think about.

Hope things have improved since your other posts x

[WikiSpeaks]

Just rediscovered this thread. How are things now?

my marriage is pretty shit truth be told. DH just irritates me most of the time. I'm no angel BTW, but he's really been grating on me over Xmas.

We have 2 DCs (3 & 1), and I can't honsestly remember the last time we had sex. I know we have done it since DS2 but was obviously months ago. Oh and I have PND.

No real advice really!

[maktaitai]

So, clearly you are both having a shit time right now, and holding on by your fingertips. Some possible ideas, since relate may take a while to come through:

1. joke with each other about how shit you are feeling, rather than moaning - have a very slight conspiracy against the baby, the workload etc. OK that's come out wrong, but in this phase you are almost more work colleagues than lovers, you need to be nice to your work colleagues.
   

1. make the first thing you say when he comes through the door something nice. Get to the shit stuff later.
   

1. get some daytime friends to moan to. Seriously, get into the parent network. Absolutely essential IMO.
   

1. Arrange to have lunch with him at work one day.
   

3.

[MaudOHara]

First year was dire for both of us - so difficult, so tired, so hormonal - DH could do nothing right poor- sod

[WinkyWinkola]

Everyone's marriage takes a beating at some point after having a child.

After dc3, I realise the importance of battening down the hatches to take each day as it comes, reaching out to dh verbally and physically as often as I can and really actually being quite selfish in terms of wider family needs at the moment.

I'm told it gets easier. In about 18 years.

[Iwasthefourthwiseman]

Yeah normal, dh & I are currently barely speaking due to tiredness & lack of time together & to ourselves. Dd2 is 3 months & this week we have done nothing but argue :(

But we were having the same arguments after dd1 and we managed to have dd2!

[MammyG]

When DS1 was about 20 months and I was expecting DS2, a friend of mine was interviewing women who had their first child in their 30's as part of her masters. I was and interviewee. I spent 3 hours in her house answering questions and analyzing what I thought of motherhood and whether it met my expectations. It was the best counselling experience I ever had! (she is not a counselor btw). Came home and had an honest all out chat with DH and we sorted so much out by spending the bones of two weeks chatting.
A baby changes everything. Not just your relationship but how you view the world etc. I had so many ideas of how I thought things would be and how I would be and I just didnt live up to them. I have had to let go of a lot and fit myself into motherhood! I didnt realise that DH was doing that too. The fact that your DH was crying in the bathroom means he is in turmoil too and probably misses you. Defuse the resentment between you. This is new territory for both of you. Talk without pointing fingers. When we did this we took our relationship to a new level. Its now the two of us boldly going forward!! We have decided as long as we are ok the kids will be fine so our relationship comes first. We are the rock this family is built on. When you start talking and coming round the intimacy takes care of itself.

[angel1976]

So sorry you had a hard time tonight! You know what? Right after DS1 was born, I was so angry with what I was 'sold' via the midwives; I thought midwives etc were portraying motherhood in such an unrealistic light. "Everyone can breastfeed." "The best way is to go natural." My labour was horrendous (ended up in ventouse). DS1 was tongue-tied, I tried desperately to breastfeed and cried everyday for 6 weeks cos I felt like such a failure because I couldn't. When I finally gave up BF-ing, I beat myself up everyday for giving formula. It was honestly the most horrible 3 months of my life. And DH and I planned for DS1. We were married for 5 years before and we thought we had done all the 'right' thing: got married, enjoyed marriage as a twosome etc, travelled before we decided to have a baby. And it still felt like a bomb had gone off in the middle of our marriage...

It will get better. I told DH before we had DS2 that we will have to 'write off' the first year of his life. And just try to be nice to each other regardless. Don't do anything you regret now. The first year of the baby's life is just hard work; make it to the second year and things will get so much better. Your baby will develop her own personality. She will start to communicate - point, laugh, make YOU laugh. You can do fun things like go to a museum. And some semblance of 'normal' life will start to come back. And then they will start to do stuff that brings you back to your own childhood. One of the best things I love about having my boys is that my DS1 is now almost 3 and he's starting to get the magic of Christmas. DH and I used to think all the people who light up their houses with silly lights are naff and tacky but DS1 loves all the 'pretty lights' and we deliberately love driving round looking for tacky houses to look at and I love delighting in their happiness. It's all so innocent. You WILL get there! Show your DH this thread maybe? If you feel brave enough? Hang on in there please.

[taleasoldastime]

Tweedle, have you spoken to your GP or health visitor about this? It would be worth getting checked for PND. It is a massive adjustment and I think really common to have an impact on your relationship but if you have underlying hormonal imbalances, you're struggling up a much steeper gradient. Do get checked out if you haven't and hope that things start to look a little brighter.

[Doobies]

Totally. Ds is9 months old and I feel like we've really drifted apart. Pretty normal stuff I guess.

[sneakapeak]

Yes Yes Yes - and that's about as close to an impression of sex Ive done for months .

After both DC's my 'perfect' marriage went totally down hill and it bounced back after a year.

I have to say though, after two kids sex has not got back to what it was, yet. DS 3.5, DD 1

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

jingle how old is your DC?

My DH constantly brings up the fact that I longed for a baby for years (to the point where I got upset seeing babies). I moaned for years that I was childless and now that I've got a child I'm still moaning. He's got a point :( But I'm not a bad person and did not do this with malace. I already feel naive and stupid. It doesn't help that he reminds me of my stupidity every day. Yes I wanted this baby. I thought it was going to be a positive experience. I thought it was going to be tender and loving and fun (yes I actually was naive enough to think it would be 'fun'). I was wrong. He's got a point when he says that I should stop moaning. But I'm one of those people who wears their heart on their sleeve. When DH and mum ask how I'm feeling, should I lie? Is that what he's asking for? How do you force yourself to enjoy being lonley and isolated? It seems impossible to me.

[jinglebellssantasmells]

OP i feel exactly the same, me and DP have spent the wkend argueing me crying for most of it, i wish i had a miracle cure :(

[oooggs]

We had a shit time and our marriage took it really hard when our 1st came along . It was very tough, I didn't enjoy anything, not DH or DS.

Went on a family holiday just before he was 12mths old and when we came back he slept through and things got easier. I have no great ideas why but they just did!

Now ds1 is just 7, dts are nearly 4 and ds3 is nearly 2 and eveything is fine.

I really understand where you are coming from

[shandybass]

Oh you poor thing. You sound totally fed up and your dh sounds like he is too.

A baby is a huge effect on both of your lives. The fact that you argue is not the end of the world. We did loads after dd even though we never did well almost never bc.

Can you forget the who does most bit and just acknowledge its a huge change for both of you and try not to make it a big battle between you. I now it's easier said than done.

Can I ask about the ebf thing? R u happy with what your doing or is it nothing else worked kind of thing? I only ask as you mention it several times.

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

OP, you're not a bad mother - LOADS of new mums feel the way you do. And unfortunately, a lot of marriages suffer too.

No one knows how they're going to feel about being a mother - and for many, the first few months are a kind of hell.

It does click into place after a bit, honestly.

In the meantime, you and DH need to cut each other some slack.

Relate may help the two of you get back on the same page.

It sounds like you WANT to sort things, and that's important.

Don't give up on it, either of you. You've created a family now and that's worth fighting for (in the positive sense).

Maybe write down the things that are upsetting you about your relationship with DH so he can read, then respond? In a calm way? Just a thought.

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

"And lots of men just aren't baby people. My DH wasn't. He found dealing with a baby difficult."

I'm starting to think that I'm like that - and I'm a woman! Before DD was born I thought I was uber maternal (honestly, I'm not a sicko that would get pregnant knowing it was going to be hell). I genuienly thought that this would be the missing piece of my life. That being a mother was my calling.

I didn't know it was going to be this way. I feel like a bad mother because I'm not enjoying this.

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

P.S. When I said I do 75% of the childcare (a modest estimate imo) he said "Bollocks. It's more like 55%"

FUCK HIM. How the fuck is that even true when I EBF and am a SAHM. WTF???

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

Well that was crap.

We did the drop off at mums thing. That part was great. DH had a really nice time. Then we all went out for Sunday dinner. I got into an argument with DH and it's all ended with me crying in the car on the way home and DH now crying in the bathroom.

Basically we need to go to Relate.

[InmaculadaConcepcion]

This is helpful, if you haven't read it yet. It's not specifically about the effect babies have on a relationship, but it does cover that. It also helps you understand some of the feelings you're having about being a new mum.

I found it extremely helpful and DH read it too, so he gained some useful insights as well.
(He says all prospective fathers should be forced to read it on pain of vasectomy!!)

It DOES get easier, but you and your DH will have to make an effort to find yourselves as a couple again.

I agree that the OH needs to try and be more understanding about the toll motherhood takes in the early months especially. But I think it's also important to remember your DH needs your love as well as the baby.

Obviously the baby is the priority, that goes without saying. But showing a little affection can go a long way when it comes to making sure your DH stays onside and does his share etc.

Good luck!

[shandybass]

Hi tweedle I can really appreciate where you're coming from. I felt like you and just couldn't believe that my dh couldn't see how hard it was for me. Tbh he was at it flat out too, but with bf and nightfeeds and the whole upset to your body and life let's face it it doesn't come close! But they'll never see it quite like that.

Having always believed in an equal sexes world, babies unfortunately throw that all up side down. On the plus side, you are over the worst and it does get easier as they sleep and feed less and you and your dh can share more again. I also saw a big turning point when I decided to accept that that's how it was and concentrate on survival rather than trying to get dh to understand. I also made friends with other mother's of young babies as they are the only ones who can truly see where you are coming from.

I'm not sure if this is sad or just fact but I hope it's helpful. Hang on in there you are not alone or lost the plot and neither is your dh I'm sure.

[KenDoddsDadsDogEatsTinsel]

Very hard here due to PND mainly. Some times of amazing joy but also pressure due to continuing adjustments. Am almost out the other end though, DDs first birthday tomorrow!