opinions please-would you be annoyed by this?(long)

[sorrel]

DD is off to her grandparents for a holiday. she goes every summer and flies by herself.
Aformentioned grandparents have never liked us and spend most of there copious retirement time trying to criticise us and our parenting skills. We are her adoptive parents and uncle and aunt. They are her late mother's parents who see her every holiday 3 times a year This time for 2 whole weeks.
Everytime dd visits she comes home with a whole suitcase of new presents and in particular clothes.Not against any of this per se although it takes ages for dd to settle when she arrives back having been so spoiled.( a whole other story)
Dd has just had a birthday and therefor pile of presents and new clothes.
No exaggeration she now owns 12 pairs of jeans and 7 coats and jackets. She is 10 and growing fast, but frankly there are not enough days in the year for all these outfits! DD is also a tomboy at heart and her most prized peice of clothing is a Dalek t-shirt. we live in the country and so wellies and jeans and fleeces are the norm.Even for parties she is well past wearing pretty dresses and would happily go in a pair of combats and a jumper.
Anyway at easter she arrived home from Grannie's with 5 dresses 4 skirts( lilac and Pink linen) and a Ted Baker Jacket. Lovely i hear you cry!
What a waste of money. Today i did a clearout and there has not been one opportunity to wear any of these( I really tried) DD says they are too girly and NOW they are all too small.
I am not ungrateful. I love these clothes and g'parents have spent so much money i am ashamed!.
Just not a lot of point in them and seems such a waste to me.( They will find new homes easily freinds, cousins etc and anything slIghly worn i will donate to Cancer Research)
Thought I would write then a note for dd to bring with her along the following lines:

Dear & ,
thanks so much for the wonderful presents you sent for DD's birthday. I hope you enjoy having her to stay and have a wonderful holiday together.
I have just had a big clearout ( 3 black bags of dd's clothes!)and have found that dd owns 12 pairs of jeans, so please don't be spending your hard earned cash on any more clothes for her! During termtime dd tends not to get changed after school, as we are so busy and at the weekend she wears a uniform at drama club. That really only leaves one day a week to wear her own clothes- of which she has plenty! I have sent a bag with what amounts to only a 1/3 of her wardrobe, so please don't let her talk you into buying any thing more.! Also in bag is a 70th birthday present (made by DD) for Great aunt which i hope has a arrived in one piece.
will no doubt speak to you on the phone in a few days.
best wishes
*

Honest opinions- do you think they will take offence?.Should i bother? Help!

[babyonboard]

yes just have a chat with dd, without anything that may make her feel needlessly guilty or anxious.
as has been said, it seems like the issues run a lot deeper than just the gifts she is recieving.
is there no way you can talk to them and let them know your feelings, if you can i am sure it would help, but understandably sometimes you have relationships with people you can never level with.
you did an amazing thing by adopting her, and i am sure they are grateful for that even if they don't show it..would they prefer it to be a total stranger after all?

[desperatehousewife]

I think it's a really nice note, and it's honest in a sensitive way. Got to be the right thing to do hasn't it.

[spacecadet]

i see, itsstill not that long in terms of their and yours grieving process, things are still raw and probably will be for a while to come, hopefully they will accept that their dd has gone, one day, as possibly they are trying to shower the love onto your dd that they want to on her mother, if that makes sense.

[sorrel]

perfect sense spacecadet. thanks for being understanding. We have all sought help from cruise and barnardos.( DD Dh and me)
The grandparents think this was a ridiculous idea and that it was a waste of time- and don't hesitate in telling us and dd so.they said that it was my job to help her get through it and what did i want to start getting her into groups for. They have never stopped to remember that i was bereaved too. Not once. It is such a shame they are so angry and obsessed with How Things Used to Be.
Feel really sad that they won't ever try to get over it or even through the process of grief. it is not something they even want to do. Still at the anger stage, which is sad after 7 years.

DD has been brilliant and has a wonderful group she goes to which helps her feel that she is not alone and that it is Ok to have lots of different emotions. They use drawing and poems to express the grief.it has really helped her. she is wonderful.

[Dahlia]

What a sad situation. I really feel for your and your dd. I can't begin to imagine the feelings that any of you have, having never been in the same situation, but I honestly think that if it were me, I would have to write a very long letter to them, and explain exactly how you feel, and how your dd feels. Tell them how much she loves them both, and how completely important they are to her, and to you. But that their behaviour is so deeply upsetting to you, and the situation needs to be sorted before your dd gets to the stage where she isn't sure if she wants to spend time with them. I don't know all the ins and outs, and I don't wish to presume anything, or offend you, but it just sounds to me that its all making you very unhappy. They are your family, and if there's any way possible to make amends, everyone would feel so much better. Its so easy to create huge gaping holes, but so much harder to bridge them. I really sympathise with you.

[spacecadet]

she is a really lucky girl to have you both, im so sorry about your brother,i think the problem is that they are too wrapped up in their own grief, to consider the fact that you have your own grief too, they obviously dont feel ready to move forward and sometimes some people never do,sadly, their constant lavishing of clothes onto her is probably an expression of this sense of loss that they no longer have a daughter to love and now they feel in some respect that their grandchild has been taken too, which of course is not true, but it prob explains some of their resentment towards you, they see you as lucky as you have gained the only thing they had left of their dd.try not to let it get to you and remind yourself that as long as dd is happy, thats the important thing.

[KristinaM]

Yes Sorrel I waould be very annoyed about it too. But then I'm an adoptive parenst and a step parenst so have " been there" in some senses .

I know that most other posters have focussed on your daughter's grandparents and their feelings.....but I think you need to focus on what is best for your DD. ( I know I will get shot down in flames for this BTW). But they are the adults and she is just a child. She is not a consolation prize for them losing their daughter. They cant be allowed to work out their grief through her.


Seems to be that they are doing things like criticising you and your Dh that are simply not on. They are undermining you and her new family. Now I know that lots of MNers will post and say " oh this happens in all families". But your family is NOT the same as others - it needs MORE not LESS support. All the grief and loss makes you all so much more vulnerable. You have the teenage years facing you which you KNOW will be so much harder for you all.

So.... I dont agree with those who say " oh just let it go". I think you need to try and stop some of the things that are hurting you and ultimately will hurt your DD. Who has really had enough pain hasn't she? If you cant help them change, maybe you need to rethink the form of your current contact.

Sorry for the long rambling post....bottom line is - does the current contact best meet your DDs needs? If not, how can you change it so it does?

[Crazymama]

I am sorry for your loss.

Perhaps the grandparents enjoy spending the money on DD. Maybe it really gives them pleasure.

Its sad that relationships are strained.

I would let them get on with it ..... Im sure in a few years DD will point them in the right direction of 'useful' things to buy!

In the meantime, as someone suggested sell what she wont use, on Ebay and stick the money in a savings accounts for DD for when she is older.

[sorrel]

definintely right about focusing on dd's feelings. That is the MOST important thing. All we have ever wanted for her was to help her get through the pain and grief and make sure she grows up feeling loved and that she was always able to talk about and express her feelings( rather than hold it all in and then fall apart later) we are open and talk about everything. She is settled and for the most part happy, although there are dark days ,as you would expect after all that has happened.

The situation with the grandparents does not really weigh me down on a day to day basis. i started this thread because dd is going to stay with them tomorrow and i was feeling anxious. I have tried to speak calmly to them about her on several occasion which only led to
a} being flamed and Blamed
b} copious weeping by Grannie on the end of the phone about how we 'stole her' from them
c} dh asking gparents to have some respect for how we might be feeling. The return fire was that following my 2nd miscarriage grannie said i should be grateful for having dd then.
(It is interesting whoever mentioned the words consolation prize- as this is how dd is often seen in OUR current situation of infertility often by well meaning friends(This is another issue, but of course is the thing that hurts most.)

Anyway i would not describe myself as unhappy. perhaps disappointed and sometimes understandably sad( mostly for dd.)
The visits to grandparents are for the moment because SHE wants to go, and because dh and i both strongly believe she must have contact and a relationship with her mums family. I think it is important that my feelings about her gparents are kept out of it and that she develops her own opinion over time. I try very hard not to influence this in any way. She has enough on her plate and life is hard enough without adding to it the misplaced feeling of the adults in her life. I encourage her as much as i can to keep her family realtionships strong and help her know that she is so loved by everyone who knows her and she will never be alone.
I know that there is nothing i can do about the gps. Their feelings are their responsibilty, not mine. They live 300 or so miles away. It bothers me that they cannot find a way to see that we are trying to do the right thing for dd, but it does not ruin my life.It is not my focus.i feel it is a shame. i wish i could write note to grannie that she would find funny and take the right way. but it seems i can't yet and I don't expect it will be happening any time soon.

This may be the path of least resistance , but for now keeping the peace seems more important. i want dd to have a fantastic time and enjoy and have a memeorable holiday with fun experiences.
I truly hope she does. i do not want it to be marred by feeling like a consolation prize to the gps or overwhelmed by trying to please evreybody.
i didn't write the note.It would, as so many of you wize people suggested be misinterpreted as criticism and therefore not a good idea for anyone.least of all ongoing international peace talks.
perhaps things will be different some day. Well i can hope can't i?
Spacecadet- your last post was spot on.

[soapbox]

Sorrel - this sounds a very sad situation all round.

I think all that you can really do is to stick to your belief that your DD spending time with her grandparents is very important. I think when it comes to what they do when she is there and how they treat her and what they buy for her you should just try to accept that you are not in control, nor is your DD. I suppose I'm saying that you should just accept that this is just the way things are. I don't think you should feel guilty if you throw things out that DD hasn't worn as you were not in control of them being bought in the first place.

As you've said though, this is about far more than clothes

I think they are suffering the terrible grief that any parents losing a child would feel, and I suspect that 1998 seems like only yesterday to them. Of course they were the good old days that they wish to talk endlessly about. Keeping alive the memory of their daughter will be very important to them, adn also to your DD.

They don't sound like monsters to me, they just sound like two very sad and griefstricken people.

I think it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job in the most difficult of situations!

In your shoes I would let the letter lie - it really won't help anyone!

[sorrel]

agree soapbox. thanks for understanding. no not monsters at all. but not dealing with the grief means it coming out all wrong.beleive me i know.

[soapbox]

Sorrel - I'm sorry for you too, losing your DB and 'inheriting' a ready made family, including the in-laws is quite some blow I would imagine

[sorrel]

just unbeleivable really. Whole new life in the space of a week. Much Too much to say on the matter ,but suffice to say if you read my last 5 years in a book you'd think it was made up, exaggerated and ridiculous.

[soapbox]

I hope that DD makes it all seem worthwhile for you and your DH! Do you have any other children???

[sorrel]

no. dh and i were only married 6 months when dd came to us. since then have had 5 years of unsucessful fertilty treatment after we found out my plumbing is a mess.
Still trying , but it's hard with all that has been going on.

[soapbox]

Hmmm - all the stress will most definately not have helped and fertility treatment itself is stressful enough!

I think I see what you mean about the book

[sorrel]

Sb gotta go to bed now, as have to wake up early to get dd to airport. Thanks so much for chat. thank to all on this thread for helping me straighten out my head.
night night.

[soapbox]

Night night - I hope you have a nice time with DH while DD is away

[sorrel]

thanks. so do i!