Falling out with another mum.

[Zombiemum1946]

My lo had a friend to play (aged 5yrs and 6yrs). The 2 of them went out to play in the front garden with which there had been no problem before . I thought they had come back in. They wandered off and were found 20 mins later having made it within 20 meters from the main road. I didn't know they had gone till the dad came to pick lo up .Understandably the other mum was very upset. After that she was struggling to look me in the eye and was avoiding me. Things improved marginally until she told me that my lo had asked her lo why did we hate each other. I explained to the mum that I had told my lo that she would be very angry with me because of what happened because she was a good mum and that I would feel the same if it were the other way round . Since then she no longer lets her lo come round to play and looks upset whenever she see's me. I feel so bad for having broken her trust and upsetting her. She is a really lovely person and I don't know how to resolve it . She lives literally across the road and the kids were in and out of each others houses nearly everyday. I struggle with difficult situations and generally panic and end up just making a mess of things. I know I have to talk to her I just don't know what to say.

[Smidgenpigeon]

When my son was a toddler, my friend said she would keep an eye on him in the supermarket for five minutes whilst I sorted out the car.

Her child (same age) was with her.

When I found her, she was no where near the children and there was no sign of them. Her child had a habit of running off but she never seemed that worried, even when he disappeared for ten minutes whilst she was shopping.

I was livid. She didn't give a damn where the kids were. I contacted security and they locked the supermarket doors. The children were eventually found after about fifteen hideous minutes.

She couldn't have cared less - you made a potentiality catastrophic error, but at least you are remorseful.

I avoided this lady after that. She was a bit odd - kept saying - in front of her sons - that she never wanted children.

It may have been that she was depressed and struggling. I know that she received some assistance from SS after she was reported for child neglect.

[Zombiemum1946]

Our children were in the same nursery and are in the same class at school . They had been going to call on a friend when they left. It was 15 mins after they had gone that I found they had gone. They were found 5 mins later near the house of the friend they went to call on. I have considered moving house as it would lessen the amount time she would have to see me. I haven't told my husband that this would be the reason. The dc keep asking to play together It's been difficult to prevent this but I keep trying. . I drop my lo off before she does and go to collect my lo after she has gone and stand away from where she is so that she has to see me as little as possible.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

It's a shame if it affects the children's friendship - yes, I would be horrified at what happened, but I don't think I'd hold it against you forever.

This happened to one of my friends actually, although their chidlren were older (about 10). They snuck out of the house. She never did speak to the mother responsible again, I'm afraid, and told her dc not to be friends with the other dc. I thought it was a bit of an over-reaction if I'm honest. From her reaction you'd think she'd tried to sell them into slave labour.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

[Zombiemum1946]

Solomandaisy they were about 25 houses away from my house. The turn off to the friends house is about 20 meters from the main road. The street they were on is just round the corner from me and is a straight road. It is a quiet housing estate so the roads are usually empty at the time (6:30 pm ) that they went off. I have a panic when my daughter is on the other side of a clothing rail in a shop and I can't see her so am aware of the level of distress I have caused the mum.

[Cocochoco]

I feel sorry for you OP. I did this with a neighbour's kid when I was 5 - we went to visit another friend and were away for a couple of hours I think. We all played out but our mums were beside themselves. It's just one of those awful things that happens from time to time.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

Honestly I would be cross at the time but mostly with the girls actually they are 5 and 6 and presumably knew they weren't meant to be going..
I would be pretty cross you hadn't noticed but accept your apology, you made a mistake after all and happily both girls are fine and it will never be repeated. Seriously moving house?!! That is insanely drastic..

[Zombiemum1946]

My husband was more angry with the girls. They had asked during the summer hols if they could call on a friend on their own and were told no. I told them just because the friend was allowed out down the street on her own didn't mean that they were. I said that the other lo mum wouldn't allow it either and would be very angry if I did . I've talked about safety regularly with my lo. I told my husband that ultimately it was down to me taking my eyes off them for 15 mins and assuming that what I heard was them coming back in after checking on the snails. When I get upset and tearful moving house seems like a good idea .

[ayeokthen]

All due respect, but you and your husband are deflecting responsibility for this onto two little kids. They're 5 and 6, it was up to you to keep an eye on them. You are wallowing and feeling sorry for yourself, talking about feeling teary and awful. You fucked up, apologise and take responsibility. Feeling sorry for yourself isn't helping anyone, and neither is minimising what happened .

[SolomanDaisy]

A 5 and a 6 year old walked down the street and were fine. It doesn't even sound like they crossed a road. It's not a disaster. OP have you spoken to the other mother recently? She may think you're avoiding her, based on your description of avoiding talking to her. If she is genuinely preventing the kids playing together, even under her supervision, I think she's being quite mean to a child.

[ayeokthen]

A 5 and a 6 year old walked down the street and were fine. It doesn't even sound like they crossed a road. It's not a disaster
No it's not, but the adult responsible for them has admitted that she didn't know where they were for 15 minutes and didn't bother to check. That's a pretty big deal.

[PenelopeFlintstone]

15 minutes might sound like a lot to some people but could go in the blink of an eye if you were washing up, hanging washing out, etc. Try not to feel too bad OP. I wouldn't hold it against you.

[clumsyduck]

Id be fkin gutted / raging if someone supposedly in charge of my 5 year let him play outside without keeping an eye on him. Anything could have happened !! This actually scares me given he is now at the age he's been invited to play at people's houses etc if some parents think it's acceptable to leave them unattended outside ( not including a fenced off back garden here )

Having said that though truthfully I wouldn't keep making you feel bad for it id have tore a strip off you but I wouldn't keep it going on and making you feel bad

[Zombiemum1946]

As I said in the last post all responsibility lies with me. I think it would be more worrying if I didn't get upset about what had happened. I'm very aware of how badly wrong this could have gone and the pain and fear it caused the other mum. It's's a big part of why I get so upset.

[clumsyduck]

You may have to accept that she won't forgive you op or maybe more she just doesn't want to be in a position were she has to let dd over again because she would be concerned I dunno whatever the reason though you can't keep beating yourself up

It is done . You are sorry . You can't feel bad about it forever

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

I think people have been unnecessarily harsh, Op. At that age I would leave my dd and a friend to play in the house and that's what you thought you were doing. It's plenty of enough to know not to charge off alone as well.

I would be upset but if you made it clear you wouldn't let it happen again I would probably accept that, provided I had no other concerns. I certainly don't think I'd cut you dead over it.

I can only think she got such a fright that seeing you brings it back, and she's afraid there will be awkward situations when the girls will want to play at your house and she won't feel happy about it.

Perhaps this needs a bit of time for the dust to settle. I would send your card and just wait. Stop giving yourself a hard time though - everyone makes mistakes! The girls were very naughty off their own bat.

[Zombiemum1946]

Clumsy duck we say hello when we see each other . I want to be able to express just how sorry I am without making things worse. I'm not good at expressing myself clearly and panic .

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

plenty old enough

[Lalunya85]

Oh please. Seriously?? I'm finding some of the reactions on this thread way ott. Of course you made a mistake, but who hasn't?

I nearly lost my fugitive toddler at playgroup a few weeks ago as he ran off towards freedom while I chatted with another mum. I spotted him as he was walking through the doors but another 10 seconds later and he would have left the building. I felt awful and I've learned from it, but it doesnt make me a bad mum. And it certainly isn't unforgivable.

Could you not suggest to the other mum that you would let the children have play dates at her house for the time being? Hopefully, given some time she will be able to regain some trust.

Avoiding each other at the school gate etc. is slightly ridiculous to be honest and rather childish in my opinion. Talk to each other.

[clumsyduck]

Ok well just tell her what you have expressed here maybe pop her a letter through if you struggle to actually say it . You are obviously sorry op

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

I also don't think it's necessary to check on children of that age more than every half hour....madness on this thread. How is this thread making your life easier Op? You couldn't be more sorry but you've been simultaneously accused of wallowing in it and not being sorry enough. Some people are just pearl clutching bullies. You could fixate on a million near misses every day if you wanted to look for them. Bottom line the girls are fine.

If it makes you feel better, I'm a good mum but did something in this line that was much worse. My ds was returned by a neighbour when he was TWO along with the dog and a wicked looking gardening fork. They'd all gone off down the middle of the road together while I watered the plants and thought ds was in the sand pit. He must have been watching for his opportunity.

[Zombiemum1946]

Thank you. I probably have worked myself up to into panic mode and not dealt with this as well as I could. The suggestion of playdates at her house first sounds good. At the end of the day the dc are best friends and I need to sort it out. I think this hit hard as I'm normally so careful to the point of paranoia at times. I still had the baby monitor in lo room till she was about 4, so I could put the washing out or answer the phone. Plus she was ill at least once every couple of months till she turned 5yrs and would vomit in her sleep. Thank you again .

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

zombie you don't have to move house. You made a mistake and luckily the kids were OK. You know you messed up.

To move things forward with your neighbour - it might be dead in the water but you could send a card or some flowers with note - once again apologising as it weighs heavily on your mind.

My nephew wondered out of his house - naked when he was a toddler and was brought back and I'd lost dd1 countless times in shopping centres. It happens - I bet it doesn't again for you.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

zombie, no don't even think about moving house - that would be ridiculous. You didn't commit any crime, you just lost track. Honestly it's happened to a lot of us.

When my ds was 1yr old and toddling, he learned to unlock the back door at my mum's house. The first thing I know about it is a man walking up the garden path with DS in his arms. I couldn't believe it - mum lives on a main road. I thanks the man profusely and in shock and horror, obviously. My mum and I had been in the lounge discussing the Iraq war (this was 2003) of all things, and he was just toddling about. We thought it was safe.

ANyway, I mentioned this to an acquaintance of mine, and she went very catsbum-mouthed, and told me I was lucky not to have SS around. I stopped telling people about it then.

I really, really think most parents have a horror 'what if' story. I could have driven myself mad with 'what ifs' after that. Mum just said, nope, don't think about it. It's all all right. I suggest you do the same.

[Peppapogstillonaloop]

Honestly I can't get over some of the ridiculous over reactions on this thread!! Op iyiubare getting an unnecessary kicking, write your neighbor a little card saying what you've said here. If she's any sense she will get over it and all will be well..if she wants to be a drama llama then youlll just have to let the friendship go. But stop beating yourself up, shit happens, deal with it and move on!!