The longer term considerations of having one child

[kitkat321]

One of the main thinks that makes me consider a second child is giving dd someone to share the burden when me and dh get old/pass away. Having lost my dad a couple of years ago just after I had dd I was so grateful to have my brother to share the burden with - we arranged the funeral and my brother takes on a lot of the work supporting my mum - taking her shopping, doing the odd bits of DIY etc. I'm very aware of how different my (or most likely her) life would be if I was an only child.

I'm sure that all of you who have an only child have considered this and I wondered how you feel about this/deal with this?

For me personally, this is one of the biggest drivers to having another but if I could have some comfort/reassurance that my dd wouldn't be left to deal on her own with the burden of her parents then I'd be a lot more confident in a decision to just have one.

Does that make any sense?

[MaudOnceMore]

Another one here saying don't bank on siblings helping out or even being supportive from a distance. My sibling does very little for our aged parent and a friend and their sibling are currently at loggerheads over dealing with their parents' estate and are only communicating via solicitor's letter.

[AllTheGlitters]

Sorry I haven't read all of the replies but my dad was recently very ill/nearly died and since then I've been thinking a lot about this too.

Originally we planned just to have DD, then we decided to have another before Xmas this year, when DD was about 15 months. We've now decided to at least put it off until school, and I have come to accept that we may in 4 years our plans may change and we may not want to have another baby.

Sorry for waffling, in regards to your question I've been thinking how nice it was to have my siblings around, to console and confide in eachother and to have that support network, and suddenly it became very important to me that my DD have a sibling for that stage of life too.

However, a women at my work who is in her sixties had her DM pass away not long ago, and she was in complete turmoil due to the way her siblings were arguing and fighting. It has permanently torn them apart and they had a lot of issues anyway. I also had a lot of issues with my siblings growing up that have had a lasting impact on me and my relationship with them, and even though we don't talk about it I have massive qualms with how 2 of my siblings have chosen to live their lives, especially toward their own children (Sister gave up her kids when she developed a drug addiction).

My siblings and I are so completely different, and to be honest although I love them are relationships are very complex and much of the time I wish I had no obligation to see them at all. What I mean by my long and waffly post is, don't have kids just so your first will have siblings. You have no idea how their lives and relationships will turn out, and the best thing you can do is parent them well so the are strong and confident, and hopefully they will have a strong support network, regardless of whether it's made up of friends or family.

[schrutefarmbeets]

I am one of four and I can 100 guarantee that if my parents get to the point they can't care for themselves/ anything needs to be organised I will be doing it as an only child.
It was fun having siblings growing up but it's absolutely no guarantee that there will be a support system.

[normastits5]

I'm finding this so interesting as I am a parent of one & feel guilty & worried regularly about DS future. I'm actually relieved to hear so many of you struggling with your siblings it makes me feel better about not providing DS with one!!!

[chatnanny]

I'm the opposite of a PP in that, as an only child, I have never felt it so acutely as when my parents were ill and dying. Also, since then, I feel it at times, my DH has nothing in common with his brother but when they see each other they can at least share the past.

[Bubspub]

The trouble is, there aren't any guarantees that siblings will help out equally in that situation. Often it falls more to one sibling anyway. When I lost my dad my sister was useless, I love her dearly but she didn't help at all, total head in the clouds. I digress! I think it would be more prudent to put things in place like a will, life insurance, funeral cover, to reduce the burden and minimise problems afterwards which can be a nightmare for surviving family if not put in place.

[squizita]

It's a silly, worry-inducing reason akin in my mind to "what if the first child died, you'd want a spare?" (and yes this has been said to me):

1. siblings don't always help anyway
   
2. siblings aren't always able to help
   
3. onlies with a supportive partner or network of friends are capable of supporting older relatives
   
4. Worry and mourning aren't finite, so smaller if spread between 2.4, a sibling might mourn enormously still, and then have the guilt of not being there for the others
   
5. sometimes it's more stressful with lots of people when bad things happen.
   

I can only have one. I've had MH/practical support and this has not come up as an issue in the 'future worries' bit, because honestly, it isn't a reason to plan a family of a certain size.