Apologies in advance for the long story but I could do with some ears and thoughts.
DS will turn two shortly and the inevitable questions about "having another" are popping up more regularly.
But I really don't think I want another.
I had bad PND after DS was born. It wasn't the kind PND that was sorted quickly with meds and some counselling.
DS was planned, I had a great pregnancy and birth. To cut a long story short I ended up in a psychiatric hospital (amazing care and staff) for six weeks when he was four months old, continued outpatient treatment for four months and am still on antidepressants, although have weaned right down to a small dose and hope to come off them completely in the near future.
Complicating matters, as if they needed more complicating, is the fact that I lost my much loved job when I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was lucky to be rehired by the same firm but with terrible shift work hours. I stuck it out for the remainder of my pregnancy, never dreaming that two years later I'd still be on sick leave.
My husband works in the same industry and his working days are long, in fact I'm sure his being gone for 14 hours a day contributed in no small way to the PND.
The PND and what it did to me, my marriage and my career is still raw. While I am most certainly better, I cannot forget just how bad things got, how for over a year I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I hated motherhood, hated being so depended upon, hated losing my identity.
I hated my husband's career for taking him away from us for such long periods.
That will not change, he's lucky to have a well paid job in a recession. I want and need to return to work now whatever way I can organise it around my husband's work hours.
DS will start in a nursery two mornings a week soon and I can't wait to reclaim a little time to myself. I love him with every fibre of my being which leads me to wonder, is a sibling really "the biggest gift" I could give him?
I never saw myself with one child but I'm 37 now. Both my mother and sister started menopause before 40 so odds are I have limited time left.
DH would like another baby but he wasn't the one screaming with frustration at breastfeeding with low supply, having panic attacks because of severe sleep deprivation, medicated, hospitalised, terrified, having to rebuild my battered confidence.
I have never been broody since DS was born. Two friends are expecting their second babies and I actually pity them slightly, the mere idea of having a toddler and a newborn makes me feel ill.
What I'm really asking here is, has anyone stopped at one after PND?
When I hear or read about mums with PND wanting another baby I think "WHY? Why would you do that to yourself, how could you possibly want to risk it again?"
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Anyone stop at one because of PND?
19 replies
violator · 22/07/2013 21:30
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