Nursery - would this concern you?

[Stereophonic]

DS had his first settling in session at nursery yesterday. He's 16 months. We viewed a lot of nurseries before choosing this one, and it received a good report, however since we booked him in the manager has changed.

He got very upset when I tried to leave him after staying for a while, and it was horrible. It's quite a large nursery and there were 15 children in his room. The concerns I had were that a couple of the staff members didn't seem that interested - when one was handing out the milk (they were in high chairs) she just put the beakers on the chairs; no "here's your milk" or any chatter. For a while there was just silence in the room but then one of the staff members started singing songs etc. The other two just sat there. I'm just wondering if this is the norm - am I expecting too much for them to be constantly interacting? It was obviously only a snapshot of the day but I would have thought they would have made more effort than usual with me there, not less! I am just not sure how caring they seemed, though none of the children got upset while I was there, this is a good thing, right? My hea dis all over the place, I wish I could give up work I really do but we can't afford it. I just want him to be happy and cared for. I am so worried

[thehairybabysmum]

Glad you have found somewhere that you are happy with. The settling in upsetness does get easier. My DS2 was not impressed the first few days at being left but now is fine...both DS's love nursery.

re the fees, personally i think if they are funny about refunding you any money then i think you should complain. Ultimately you are withdrawing because their nursery wasnt v. good so they should refund you IMO.

[maxybrown]

oh good.....how strange they didn't give you a copy??? Ah well!

[Stereophonic]

Thanks everyone. The terms and conditions were there in the contract but I don't have a copy. I rang them today but all the team leaders had gone so they are ringing me back on Monday.

[maxybrown]

Oh so am I

Did they give you a terms and conditions sheet or similar?

[Ripeberry]

Glad you've found a nicer nursery

[nigglewiggle]

Depends what you agreed when you signed up. Ours required 2 months notice. I would be surprised if they didn't expect similar, esp in this financial climate.

Glad you have found something you are happy with.

[Stereophonic]

Thank you so much for all your help and advice. Update is - we have today registered him with a different nursery. I spent time there today and I am much happier with it for a whole host of reasons. DS still got upset when I tried to walk out the room though - but I guess this is normal and we will just have to settle him in as gradually as possible. The new nursery are happy for us to have lots of sessions. I'm still worried about settling him but I have realised that I just wasn't happy with the old nursery and so even though it will be hard I feel better about it all.

Does anyone know what I'm likely to be liable for with regards to payment for the old nursery? I've just paid September's fees, I'm not expecting those back but I'm hoping they won't make me pay October's as well - does anyone know what the usual process is?

[maxybrown]

TBH from what I'm picking up from you is that you're not really sure about THAT nursery, rather than the fact he is upset. I KNOW what nursery's can be like - good and bad. The comment about your DH would put me off too......very I'm not trying to make you feel worse, hope it's not coming across like that.

They are right in what they say about them getting upset etc and it is not a sign of a bad nursery.......but I think that whole not talking thing to the children is bit off. I worked in a wonderful nursery once and even though we had children who would break their hearts, our parents always seemed well assured and confident in us. Hope you get it sorted.

[Wonderstuff]

Oh I really feel for you. Only you know what is best. Some children do take a while to settle in nursery. At dds nursery there was a little girl who cried every morning, my little one was settled so dh used to sit dd next to her and dd would give her a cuddle. They became really good friends and dd asked for her for weeks after we had to change nursery [guilty] After about a month the little girl was fine, but it must have been so hard for her mum.
Got to be worth looking at the smaller nursery?

[Stereophonic]

Thank you. He did get a bit better when we went today. He cried when we got there and we had to peel him off me, he was clinging on, it was heartbreaking! I said they could take him in but if he didn't settle to please bring him back out. I sat in the foyer - he cried for 5 mins or so apparently then settled down, playing with one lady (the nice one who had been singing songs on our first day). But when the other children came in he got upset again. He was fine when being cuddled and in a room with just one or two people there, but after an hour when he started crying again I asked for him to be brought out (I could see them on the camera in reception).

I don't know what to do still - apparently the girl that particularly didn't seem that chatty is only part time. The 3 full timers in the room are the 2 nicer ones and one I didn't really see much of. Still very unsure though and want to look at some other smaller places. I even suggested to the manager today that he might need somewhere smaller, she said to give it a bit more time. They also said that they wanted to give DH a job there because he was so good with DS and the other children

btw, with the feeding themselves thing - ds has drunk independently from a beaker since he was 11 months, and as we did blw he has fed himself most of the time, though he still eats with fingers - with sloppy stuff he has a go but wouldn't do it himself the whole way, we'd need to load the spoon for him and help him out a bit.

[maxybrown]

I think the Gut instinct is key. Most toddlers will cry at being left and is not always a reflection on the childcare itself. I have worked in many nurseries/classrooms over the years and I think it sounds a bit naff to be honest.

I don't think you are expecting too much at all.

Oh and really for whoever was saying about chairs versus highchairs - a good nursery should be able to distinguish capabilites. My DS has drank from a cup long before he was one and yes could easily cope with sitting at a table. he also has fully fed himself since at least 12 months old. (his speech is apalling though )

But I know of lots of babies who are nowhere near ready for that.

Go with your instinct, esp if your Dh is coming back with same info.

[Wonderstuff]

I would expect a keyworker. DD is has just started in a new nursery (cos dh changed job) Both we are happy with, I think, especially in a big nursery keyworkers are needed so someone is looking out for each child, if 15 in a room and there are 4 staff members then it is too easy for all of them to sit back and wait for someone else to take responsibilty if there is a problem. Hope you find somewhere you are happy with, makes going to work so much easier.

[foxytocin]

A good nursery will be content with you hanging around the room for a long period of time just quietly watching what goes on. I've done this less by design than happenstance at the DDs' nursery. In fact with nervous parents they suggest it.

dsxz

[MyCatIsAFleaBagNoMore]

Hi Stereo just read your thread. It is awful leaving your child for the first time and you have to feel comfortable and happy that he will be looked after otherwise you will worry yourself silly.

I had a similar experience with my DD when the settiling in session at the nursery I had chosen was disastrous. I really, like you, found the feel of the place wasn't as I remembered it and decided I just couldn't do it. I found a much nicer nursery where they spent as much time settling me as they did my DD, which made DD feel better too.

DD now very happy in nursery and has been since about 3 weeks after starting.

In terms of you waiting around, sometimes the children don't settle until they have to (i.e when your not there).

[Ripeberry]

Always trust your gut instinct. Everyone has it and once you feel it you will know.
If your DC is still upset in a couple of weeks then look for a smaller nursery or a CM.
Hope it works out OK for you.

[nigglewiggle]

I would ask how many members of staff are on apprenticeships. My DD's nursery went rapidly downhill when, no doubt due to the credit crunch, they took on a high number of 16 year olds on apprenticeships. Unfortunately this means they can pay them below the minimum wage and at DD's nursery it meant that the quality of staff really suffered. The atmosphere changed almost overnight.

I have heard that the same thing has happened at other local nurseries, so it is worth checking.

[Stereophonic]

Oh also the 2 we are looking at do have spaces though limited, I asked on the phone.
back there tomorrow morning 9-11. will see what happens. they will want to take him off and me go out, and ring me if they can't settle him. Not sure how I feel about this but maybe it's for the best, or maybe I should just wait in the foyer?

[Stereophonic]

Thank you everyone.

DH also said when he was there today he saw a member of staff in one of the rooms (there are 3 rooms all v close together) sitting on a chair while the children were playing on the floor. Not sure if I'm expecting too much again but I would have expected them to be down interacting properly with the children.

Bratley - I wouldn't expect them to "be a lion" or anything during snack time but a bit of chatter (eg "here's your milk Johnny" "ooh is that nice?") rather than silence.

I'm also not sure because it's so big - when we looked around he was younger and loved being with lots of children and wasn't clingy. Now he's older he's just entered a v shy phase. I don't know anyone who sends dc to this nursery, no.

I can see the points though about people having off days or being inhibited with parents around. I'm just not convinced this was the case. I wish we could be a fly on the wall at all the nurseries and see what they are all like for real!!

I don't know if they will charge a fee. Probably. But I would use savings if it means he will be better off. This nursery did get an excellent report but it was before the manager changed.

Oh... also we asked about him having a key worker and the manager looked unsure and said "well, there's the team leader.." - in all their brochures etc they mention a key worker and I would have expected this at a big nursery - is this something you would expect?

sorry for all the qs, it really helps to be able to ramble about it here. All this said, if I'm overreacting/jumping the gun, maybe it's just that he's a pfb and has been used to lots of interaction and I'm expecting too much, so maybe I should give it longer. I'm not going to cancel yet or anything but look at these others and see how we get on. Thank you everyone you're being really helpful

[cazzybabs]

also will they charge you fees if you move him now....don't know if you have thought of that

BTW to the OP all of my children have fed themselves from 13-14 months..they do use a beaker at the table but uses open cups when not at the dinning table

[thehairybabysmum]

This is not reflective of the fact it is a nurery setting. I would expect chat and interaction....how oodd that they didn, especially at milk time. At my nursery the staff sit with them and it is a prime time for ecouraging them to talk and learn manners.

At 16 months they are in small chairs and at tables, some of them have those material high chairs that attach to seats. The little ones are in the same chairs but they have a tray so like a mini high chair.

Go with your gut feeling...at a good nursery you should feel warmth from the staff to the children.

[cazzybabs]

I haven't read all the messages so sorry if I am repeating myself

(1) it gets easier leaving them..honselty

(2) I am a teacher and i am never as animated if a parent is in my classroom - I cant be I am so embarrsed. Also I do have off days -especially if Ia m tired etc

(3) maybe you saw a supply staff memember

I would stick with it..one day is oo little to judge and besides unsettling for your LO to move. Pic up at different times and see hw you feel then.

Also OFSTED reports arent everything..they only look for certian things.

[giantkatestacks]

I think if the others are absolutely awful then you will either have to leave him or investigate childminders.

I didnt realise about the settling sessions sorry - my dd only had a half hour session with me there, then I left for an hour and then a half day without me and then she was into 2 days a week. Luckily she just isnt a clingy baby - and that may be the heart of it - if your ds is quite clingy then he will take time to settle anywhere - how is he when you leave him with other people?

How much travel are the others and will they have spaces?

Do you know anyone else who sends their dc to the current nursery? Is there a parent for each class on the committee - at ours there is a parent rep and we can go and ask them about things - maybe like the reception thing. I wonder why they do that?

At mine they often move the younger ones in with the older depending on staff and activity - maybe they dont like you to see which room they are going into if its a different age group or maybe its just a logistical thing with that many parents all arriving together - I would ask them.

[bratley]

My DS had 2 settling sessions, 1st he was fine then cried when I left, second he cried for a bit then was fine. He's done 6 full days now and the first 3 were heart breaking, really hard to leave him, the last 3, no problems, he had to be reminded to say goodbye to me before he ran off to play!
Just to show that they don't always take to it straight away.
Agree that the staff might have just felt a bit self conscious having you standing watching them, I used to when I worked in a nursery, then once there were no parents around I was the first one on the floor 'being a lion' or dancing around the room singing!
Also, if they were eating, they might have just been calming things down a bit after a busy session. The last thing you want is staff 'being a lion' while the children are eating!
They know the children in the room, maybe being very quiet and standing back a bit is what works for winding the children down?

But, all that said, if you don't feel happy, go somewhere else. You all need to be happy with the setting.
Leaving them at reception does sound a bit odd...?

[Stereophonic]

Thakns giantkatestacks. We chose this one because it seemed the best out of the 6 we looked at (frankly none of the others I would have left him with, apart from one and they weren't open long enough hours), but the atmosphere seems different now (the manager has changed since we booked him in, not sure if that's to do with it?). We're looking at others now out of desperation because we are not sure about this one now, partly because he's not settling at all and partly because of the issues I've mentioned. The ones we're looking at now we didn't look at before because of their location, but we are happy to travel out of our way if it means he is happy).

With regards to putting him through the experience again - he's not out of the experience - he hasn't been left at all there yet and we've only had 2 sessions both times with us there, so he will still have to settle - if he is to stay ehre there's a lot of work to be done with settling him.
Not suer if this all makes sense. I have no idea what I'm doing really! I take your point about not everything being right at every nursery. I'm just not sure if this one really isn't as good as we thought, or if I won't be happy with anywhere.

[giantkatestacks]

stereophonic - ime I would always go with gut feeling - my ds's nursery was never right but I left him there out of a lack of choice - my dds nursery I am now really happy with - I had quibbles about the food and the way they handed out drinks but they have all been resolved and my dd is really happy to go and come back (she is 15 months).

I think that at every nursery there are things you dont quite like and these can be dealt with out in the open but if you dont like the whole atmosphere (and it does sound weird) then you may need to change it - though that will mean putting your dc through the whole experience again. Can I ask why you chose to put ds in there and then look at others? Was it just a timing thing?

I would agree about the highchairs btw -that seems odd, my dd has been at a low table and chairs with asll the other 1 year olds since she started at 12 months. And is perfectly capable of feeding herself with cutlery (or hands) and using a cup. Thats one of the plus points of nursery care - that they teach them these independent skills.

good luck - if there are other option with spaces then hopefully one of those will be better - after all your ds will be there until he starts school...