Left dd at nursery - heartbroken

[Midge25]

Have just dropped off 6 1/2 m dd at nursery for her 1st full day and feel like my heart is breaking. Have taken lots of the advice on here and spent the last 3 weeks settling her in - she's going to be there full time. I return to work next week but decided to give her her 1st full week whilst I was still at home. Everyone's telling me to enjoy my day of freedom but at the moment feel so awful - dd cries at drop-off and during settling in sessions she's refused food/milk from staff and seems to 'hang on' for me coming to collect her. Now she's there all day she can't hold out forever, but am worried lots of hard work with weaning etc and her routine is going to go backward. Gave the staff lots of info about her routine but they probably think I'm totally neurotic - cried when I collected her last week as she seemed so upset....

[stealthsquiggle]

Starting to eat at nursery is definitely a big step in the right direction.

I would play it by ear about Friday if I were you - maybe take her in for the morning and then pick her up early? If your nursery is anything like ours there will be a lot less there on Friday afternoon - I frequently rush to get DD 'early' (just before 5) on a Friday only to find that she is the last one there anyway

As others have said - there will be phases. DD is 21mths now and has a routine 30 second (literally - I have stood outside the door and listened) wail when I leave her but is then perfectly happy. She does enjoy making a fool of me by completely refusing to eat at nursery something she has wolfed down at home, though - I can see the nursery staff wondering why I pack stuff for her that she patently hates .

[Midge25]

Thanks to all for your fab messages and support. Dd seems to have survived the week so far and even ate something yesterday!!! Managed to choke down a couple of glasses of wine on Monday and yesterday She seems a lot more relaxed with nursery staff and altho am clock-watching again til I can collect her today - and hoping I haven't spoken too soon - I feel much better already. Not sure about having Friday with dd; very tempting but am worried it'll disrupt things more?

[VinegarTits]

Midge my ds went to nursery full time when he was just 10 weeks old i am a lone parent and had to go back to work full time to pay my bills

I was still bf and couldn't express enough milk for the nursery to give him and worked to far away to pop in and feed him myself it broke my heart as not only did i miss him terribly but i couldnt bf during the daytime either so was stuck in work with massive milk filled tits

I can only say it will get easier and in time she will love it, its totally natural for you to be upset.

[bundle]

it will get easier

both my dds were 7 mths when they went 3 days a week to nursery

it was harder for me than them, honestly, and I can barely remember those feelings of loss now. School was much worse for me, esp with dd2 ...it's all about letting go and that is very hard

[zebedee1]

Agree with rachelgreen about your excellent planning! Can you imagine going to work the first day you had left DD at nursery? You would be crying in the loos all day and of no use to anyone!! Now go and uncork that bottle of wine.....

[rachelgreen]

second the glass of wine in the sunshine!

also, have you thought about keeping her home on fri if the week goes well??? you could give yourself a treat and have a day off with her, plan something nice for the end of the week if she seems to settle in ok?

hideous as this week seems now at least you're not in work struggling with this and can give yourself an easy time of it - no dahsing to the loo to hide the tears.

[TigerFeet]

"Some of the nursery staff reckon that babies of her age cry to make parents feel guilty about leaving them"

What a load of utter bollocks tripe

Wine is good

[Midge25]

Wine....very tempting...

[zebedee1]

Hi midge, you sound like me 4 months ago! Everyone said "oooh enjoy your free time" but I just sat in the house sobbing when DS started nursery and I was waiting to go back to work.
Just remember that when they cry on drop off/ pick up it doesn't mean they've been crying all day (paranoid woman here used to walk past and peep in at different times and DS was always having a cuddle or playing nicely)
Go and have a nice grown up lunch in the sunshine with a glass of wine and a magazine.

[Midge25]

Aha - an excuse to shop!!

[cmotdibbler]

My DS started nursery FT at 4.5 months (is 2 now). He's done all the scone/cake/biscuit making, pasta/baked bean/shaving foam/bubbles play, and made 100's of things. Now he has some real friends at nursery and is sooo pleased to see them and the staff each day. We have to prise him out of there at the end of the day. Full timers def settle better than partimers.

Use this week to have your haircut, get a manicure, go through your wardrobe and sort out which work clothes fit still and see if you need to pick anything else up, and generally get you ready to go back to work.

[Midge25]

RG, yes, nursery staff said to me that in some ways dd is better off there full-time than part-time as she will settle quicker and get used to her new routine faster. As am still off work it's so tempting to go down and collect her now but am resisting the temptation and like your film/swimming suggestions...

[rachelgreen]

Midge, I actually cried the first day DS didn't cry when I dropped him off! I'd gone through months of the bottom lip quivering, or an all-out bawl that I could hear from outside (the lovely nursery staff always reassured me he stopped as soon as I got in the car), then this one magical day he didn't cry, i thought wow, my boy is all grown-up (17mo now). got to the car and got all paranoid - OMG, he doesn't need me anymore, he prefers the nursery staff etc.! - I too have PND, but with or without it, i think a lot of us going back to work go through the guilt thing for varying lengths of time. guilty that LO is in nursery, guilty you feel happy to have a wee without a toddler scrambling to get on your knee for a hug (as much as i love those hugs!), guilty that you have to leave work at a certain time or take time off at short notice...

DS does still cry somedays now, but not for long, and I love it when I pick him up and watch him playing with the other LOs before he sees me, he's really happy there and has come on so much.

the nursery staff have told me babies settle in much quicker the more days they do in a row, and the younger they start there, it just seems hard to have your last week without your DD around in the day. Maybe do a couple of things you can't do when you have DD to care for - long lunch with a friend, swim (ie, not a stand in one spot whilst looking after LO in pool for 30 min!), go to an afternoon film (lots of popcorn & icecream!)

[Midge25]

Sometimes I think that cos she's crying when I drop her off and crying when I arrive (end of day crankiness?/hungry as has been 'holding out' for bottle?/hot?)she must just be crying all day. I would love for the staff to tell me that she has had some of those fab gummy smiles whilst I was away...

Some of the nursery staff reckon that babies of her age cry to make parents feel guilty about leaving them - what do people think? I didn't know that a 6 month old would have that in them?!

[Midge25]

hahaha - I look forward to my 1st grey cake...

[Midge25]

So hard isn't it - guess my mum never knew what to do for the best and altho' she hid herself away when unwell, I always knew something was wrong anyway and spent far too much time trying to figure out what it was. Stealthsquiggle - it's good advice. By coincidence, my best buddy rang at the weekend to suggest an impromptu visit - so glad she's coming as it'll stop me wallowing and clockwatching. Am sure (on one level) that it'll be fine, but she's had funny periods with eating/bottles and also I really struggled with the sleep deprivation when she was younger - in terms of impact it had on my mental health. The selfish bit of me hopes she won't go too far backwards with her routine as since she's been a wee bit older I seem to have coped and enjoyed her so much more. Thanks to you all for your support

[snowleopard]

Midge, pnd and your mother's depression - that's a lot to deal with and does make DD going to nursery even harder. You sound as if you're doing great and as others have said, you're self-aware - you think about the effect on DD and that means she won't suffer as you did. Work will really change the balance of your mind as well - you will have that to think about and (depending on what it is) it should absorb some of your "over-thinking" tendency (which is definitely the case with me too).

So true about the grubby scones! DP hates eating them - he can't help thinking about all the snots and dribble they probably contain

[TigerFeet]

It's easier to type to the internet sprites than it is to talk about things in RL isn't it?

After all, we don't actually exist outside of MN

I agree with RubySlippers, letting her see your tears every now and again won't hurt.

Whilst we're bearing our souls... I was a forces child and went to boarding school from age 9. My Mum would never travel back to school with me, ti was always just me and my Dad, and I always used to wonder why as most of the other Mums used to drop their dd's off. In my little head it was because she wasn't bothered. It turned out that she couldn't bear to drop me off because she was so upset and she didn't want me to see her crying. In hindsight I would have felt better if I'd known she was upset because I wouldn't have felt so abandoned.

DD has seen me cry a couple of times (not every time, just sometimes when I couldn't hold it in) and I told her that I was sad because I wanted to spend the day with her but I couldn't because of having to go to boring old work to earn boring old pennies so that we could buy food and pay for insert treat of choice. Obviously this is no good with a 6mo but once she gets older she'll be able to undertand that. I have always played down my job so that she sees it as a dull necessity rather than something I do because I want to - which in a way it is (my salary is needed) but I like being at work sometimes too

[stealthsquiggle]

I would try and fill this week with definite things to do, if I were you - sitting at home wondering how they are doing is the worst bit.

I would echo being prepared for the fact that she will catch things and she will be off sick - I was not prepared with DS and ended up feeling guilty about work as well as guilty about him

I am sure you have heard this from everyone on here but they do settle and they do, even at 6mo, find having new things and people to watch fascinating. DS went to nursery at 4mths and ended up being weaned (with my agreement, of course) because the baby room workers could no longer stand his big eyes following every mouthful as everyone else got fed (I should probably add that 4-5mths was the recommended age for weaning at the time)

Find yourself stuff to do, and do call the nursery as and when you need to - they really don't mind.

[RubySlippers]

oh i totally agree re fluff

MN is amazing isn't it?

[DontCallMeBaby]

Aw, a tray of scones would be lovely - you'll get a single scone (or fairy cake or similar), it will be misshapen, slightly grubby, and burnt on the bottom. And you'll want to frame it.

The settling-in period in nursery is only a short time (like so much of it) and it's an investment in the future - for now your DD will benefit from the financial stability, and hopefully a happier mummy (mine did, I was climbing the walls with PND on maternity leave). But it'll be no time at all before she's benefiting directly from the fun things she'll do, and the friends she'll make.

Give it four years and you'll be wailing because she has to leave nursery (sympathies, Tigerfeet, same boat here).

[Midge25]

I reckon we all need a bit of fluff now and again. I agree that children need to know it's ok to express emotions - s'pose I'm just a bit worried that she'll pick up on too many negative ones at the moment. I so want a happy and confident little girlie....when younger I was on the outside, but not on the inside.

It's so weird how when you're on here, you finally get to the 'root' of issues through the power of typing and chatting to others...

[Midge25]

Cheers Tigerfeet - good advice/warnings. DD can just about sit unaided - still needs a few cushions from time to time. Have got quite a bit of holiday available and will hang on to that in anticipation of any bugs appearing! They've brought out chickenpox vaccine but no-one seems to know when they'll administer it yet - bet my dd gets it the week before she's immunised!!!

[RubySlippers]

MN isn't usually a "fluffy" place

you sound REALLY self aware - you left your DD and you were smiling, you then cried in private ...

but just to reassure you, i have cried once or twice in front of my DS and explained that sometimes i feel sad, but it is ok (and nothing to do with him IYSWIM)

showing emotions to children is GOOD IMO, but not in a destructive way and it sounds like you are very conscious of that

[Midge25]

(((RubySlippers))) But why 'un-MN-like'? Think am just paranoid about effects of my emotions on dd. My mum suffers from severe clinical depression (since before I was born) and it had a significant impact on my childhood (not her fault, I hasten to add). But she worried so much that I can't help wondering if that's why I am the way I am sometimes - and would hate to interrupt dd's socialising/confidence at nursery cos she's picking up on vibes from me. Dropped her off this morning smiling, then drove round the corner and cried for about 15 mins.