3 month old in nursery opinions

[issy2165]

Hi there, first time pregnancy here and I'm looking for peoples advise on putting the baby in nursery at 3 months. I don't want any horrible things said just advise. I only get 6 weeks smp before it drops to £140 a week and me and my partner cannot afford to live on this wage we are high earners and with a mortgage etc it's not possible at all. I don't have any family that I can trust to look after the baby either. I feel like a bad mother already but I want to be able to afford to keep a roof over his/her head! Please help I'm in such a pickle!!

[EverythingNow]

My eldest went to nursery full time from 3months because 17years ago maternity pay was for 18weeks. She was overdue so I had 14weeks before she went back. It was pretty common for 3 or 4month olds to be in nursery then.

It was fine, she was fine, as previous posters said they settle well at that age - far easier than dc2 who started at 11months (9years later when maternity pay and leave had improved)

[Calmanrose]

Honestly I'd be more worried about you than them... both of mine have been horrendous sleepers and I would have found it impossible to work safely. Also don't assume that you'll be able to express if you wanted to breastfeed. I've exclusively fed all my babies until they were at least 2 but I was never able to express more than a few mils

[NameChange30]

"Did you not consider any of this before becoming pregnant?"

Congratulations on the most pointless and least helpful post!

OP, in your position I would try and get recommendations for a childminder. If you look at childcare.co.uk you can search for childminders near you and reviews people have left. But personal recommendations are even better if you can get them.

In your position I would try and find a good childminder, but if you can't find one I think a good nursery would be fine.

I also think Hopelessly has made some good points about finances - can you review your income and expenditure, cut down expenditure where possible and build up a safety net? In case of unforeseen things like illness or redundancy.

[NerrSnerr]

If I had to go back at 3 months personally I’d choose a nanny but if you can’t afford more than 3 months maternity leave I’d wonder if you could afford a nanny. I guess it depends what ‘high earner’ means in this context as I’m surprised two high earners can’t afford to have longer off.

[KarateKitten]

A 3 month old does not give a shit where it is as long as it's being fed and cuddled enough by someone. 10mth olds are a lot harder to settle and leave. So just find a nursery where you are happy with their set up and you trust them. You could as people say, get a childminder or nanny. I always went with nanny and went back full time from 3 months the first baby, 6 weeks second baby and 4 weeks third baby. But my set up was coming and going from home for meetings and a sharp start and stop of work 9-5pm so nanny worked really well for me. I had a fabulous nanny in London for a year and now an even more amazing one in another country for the last 3 yrs. She's part of the family and ive zero concerns about her taking baby#4 at 4 weeks when I go back this time. Though as I said I work from home so am around.

OP both you and your baby will be absolutely fine. You won't miss anything and the first steps etc. you see will mean the world to you. It's very likely you'll see the very first steps anyway as you play about in the evenings and weekends (and when baby refuses to sleep at night).

[jellyspoons]

You could speak to your mortgage company and see if can lower payments for a few months?

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

In all honesty I wouldn't if it could at all be avoided, no. It's not about being a "bad mother" and obviously plenty of families do this particularly in the US, we are all trying to do what is best within the limitations of our circumstances, most of us make compromises on our ideals as parents.
However babies normally have a primary caregiver and the close familiar relationship is important to their development, to how they feel safe and learn about relationships and attachments. I think that is really important to prioritise, as do many psychologists.

If you do have to return at 3 months I would prioritise finding one warm consistent carer, rather than an environment where lots of people are sharing baby's care. If it is a nursery, one where baby will have lots of attention and cuddles from their keyworker, and their key worker will be there when baby is (a friend said her baby was in nursery for longer hours then their keyworjer, and was only happy when keyworker was there, and would cry for all the hours they weren't there for several months). I think a good Nanny or Childminder would be preferable.

However I have to say that I find it a bit worrying that you are both high earners and yet can't afford any more time off. Do you have savings? Spare money at the end of the month? What happens if you have to start mat leave early due to pregnancy complications, or aren't ready to return to work at 3 months, or need to take leave for child sickness or Nanny quitting or one of you loses your job? It all sounds a bit tight tbh, obviously lots of lower income families don't have the option to save, but as high earners bit worrying if you can't. How huge is your mortgage? Other expenses? In your shoes I would downsize, move to a cheaper area, reduce my expenses somehow, because I think the pressure to both be earning with a little baby and no leeway is v stressful, and I'd rather have a worse house and less financial pressure.

Babies derive their security from familiar people not houses. Obviously ending up actually homeless would be terrible for baby, but as high earners I'm assuming that isn't the alternative, and there is an option of more affordable housing, which in your shoes I would take.

[welshweasel]

I don't think anyone is claiming it's beneficial but equally I don't think it's actively harmful.

[LuchiMangsho]

It's absolutely fine to go back to work for financial reasons. I did. It's also fine to go back to work for your sanity. I did that too. But let's not claim/pretend that having a 3 month old spend 50 hours a week in an institutionalised setting is somehow beneficial for them. If it's what you have to do, you have to do it.

[Strokethefurrywall]

Yay Gads - my babies were in daycare from 4 months and they're both wonderfully well adjusted tiny terrors now.
No adjustment issues, no parental confusion.
Jesus, anyone would think you're leaving them in an institution!!

[LuchiMangsho]

8-6 in a nursery for 5 days a week is brutal for a 3 month old (I have 2 kids and work FT so I know the score). If you can afford it I would opt for a childminder or a nanny so the baby is in a home setting. Think carefully about your working hours and when you would see your baby.

[welshweasel]

Sorry to disappoint whats, this high earning career minded woman couldn't manage 6 months at home. Plenty of 3 month olds around the world go to nursery and turn out to be well adjusted adults.

[Mum2jenny]

I think it depends on the nursery in the uk, the one I used took babies from 6 weeks and many young babies were there.

[user1499169579]

Get a nanny.
So your child is in their own home with consistent care giver.
Your child's immunity is not fully made by three months, so if possible shouldn't be lots of strangers.
As he develops you want him to have one to one attention

In my option. If a nanny (live in or live out) isn't possible then child minder is second best option, with nursery the least good option

[WhatsThisNow]

Of course you shouldn't put a 3 month old in a nursery. If you're high earners, spend less, save more and stay at home. Isn't it obvious? Even the most career-minded of my friends managed 6 months at home after giving birth.

[WhatsThisNow]

Did you not consider any of this before becoming pregnant?

[Ttbb]

Can you afford a nanny? I wouldn't put a baby in a nursery.

[LittleBirdBlues]

It's a very personal decision and impossible to tell how you will feel about it when your baby arrives.

I second the opinion to tighten your belts now and save a good amount eveey month.
I'd ry to save enough to get out through 6 months (when your baby can sit up)

I spent very little money during maternity leave, you don't go out much etc and babies cost very little.

[museumum]

In the U.K. there aren’t a lot of 3mo old babies in Nursery. My son went at 6mo and only just sitting up and only just eating food. He was great there but he was the youngest and they weren’t really set up for babies any younger.
If I were you I’d think about visiting Child minders to see. Obviously you’d have to find one you really clicked with and trusted.

[pitterpatterrain]

My DD1 went to nursery at 5.5 months. We looked carefully as PP mentioned although many say they take from 3 months many don't have experience.

We found a great nursery with a really caring team and a separate baby room but they got to interact with older children in a structured way.

With hindsight, it was easier with DD2 staying that bit longer off and getting over the weaning hurdle.

Could you do shared parental leave? We did this time and my DH had I think 4 weeks paid - so that could be one way of stretching out their time with parents if you want a little longer for them at home.

Also makes it so much easier to go back to work when you don't have to manage kid logistics as well as getting back into work whilst experiencing sleepless nights.

[Adviceplease360]

It's incredibly tough leaving a small child anywhere. I feel the same about wanting to be present for the first words/crawl/anything. Is there any chance you could move to allow a smaller mortgage and maybe work part time? Or take a longer maternity if its affordable on one salary? Before anyone jumps on me, we bought smaller home/cheaper area and this allowed longer mat leaves and part time work for me while oh worked full time. Something to consider.

[Spanneroo]

We used a childminder while DD was little because she had reflux and needed to be carried all the time. The childminder was able to better accommodate for her so we went with that. We really clicked with our childminder and my daughter had a lovely home from home experience with her.

Definitely research your options now while you're not working around a baby. I think you'll find one of the options 'feels' right. That's the one to go with.

[BackforGood]

If you have to go back to work, then you have to go back to work, so it doesn't matter if some random on the internet thinks it is bad.
However, do remember that Nursery isn't the only option. Nanny is always suggested on here, but would be out of the reach, financially of the vast majority of the population. Childminders however, are more comparable (or can be cheaper in many cases) than Nurseries, and they certainly provide a more 'homely' environment. I chose a CMer as I felt if I couldn't be at home, I still wanted my dc to have 'as close to that' experience as I cold give them.

[AliPfefferman]

I also agree that unless your childcare practitioner is a family member, I would prefer to leave a young baby in a nursery setting than a nanny or indicidual CM. A tiny baby can't give you any indication of what happens all day. I know there are lovely nannies out there and I'm not even talking about being abusive or anything, but I can tell you firsthand that caring for a newborn can be really boring, and you have to kind of force yourself to talk to the baby and entertain it. I've seen SO many nannies (or women who appear to be nannies) with tiny babies either on the phone or with their faces glued to the phone and not chatting with the child at all. You'd never know when you came home at the end of the day if your baby was ignored or engaged. With a nursery there are supervisors and other staff and parents to help keep an eye on things.

[ExCoffeeAddict]

Have a look at all the options- if your working long days then a nanny would probably be best as they can be more flexible and stay later- dd nursery only opens till 6 which can be an issue when I'm in a meeting that overruns or something comes up I need to 'deal' with but it's worked for us. My dd didn't start until she was 10m BUT the nursery does have very small babies and the baby room was for under 1 only and felt lovely cosy and homely. Get a feel for some in your location and see what you think