3 month old in nursery opinions

[issy2165]

Hi there, first time pregnancy here and I'm looking for peoples advise on putting the baby in nursery at 3 months. I don't want any horrible things said just advise. I only get 6 weeks smp before it drops to £140 a week and me and my partner cannot afford to live on this wage we are high earners and with a mortgage etc it's not possible at all. I don't have any family that I can trust to look after the baby either. I feel like a bad mother already but I want to be able to afford to keep a roof over his/her head! Please help I'm in such a pickle!!

[Jingleberry]

I think you've had some awful replies - mostly from people that have no experience of nurseries!

Mine were in one from 4 month and the other 5 months

My advice would be look round a few and choose one you're really happy with and with a low staff turnover.

Mine are both really happy, confident boys and they still love going, plus as they've always known it we have no clingyness/not wanting to go.

Good luck

[LoverOfCake]

Tbh in this instance I think it's mor the anti leaving a three month old baby in nursery.

If a parent has to go back to work then obviously nurseries have to be a consideration. But I think that people do need to be open-minded to the reality that a nursery is just a business, as is a childminder, and tbh as I've yet to encounter a decent one of those I would never ever use a cm and would opt for a nursery if I had children of childcare age.

But leaving a tiny baby is almost a primal thing, and we as parents want to believe that the people we are leaving them with are people who love them as we would, treat them as we would, when in reality the people doing so are doing it as a job, and finding a decent childcare setting with genuinely loving staff is more a stroke of luck than anything else. But it's not PC to suggest that because people see that as a judgement on their parenting when in fact it's a recognission of the fact that modern life has created businesses which exist by exploiting parents' need to go back to work.

[Bat3]

My son went to nursery at 4 months. He was totally fine and is totally fine now nearly 5 years later. Sometimes it’s necessary.

[NameChange30]

Laura

These threads always bring out the anti-nursery brigade, don't they?!

[LauraMipsum]

It depends on the nursery. DD went to the most amazing nursery at 5 months (yeah yeah sorry whats it turns out I am literally a terrible mother) and it was great. I worked close enough that for the first month or so I could express at work and leave bottles in the baby room fridge, and feed her after work. I went in early to collect her when I could, she was beautifully looked after, we got electronic updates through the day, and it felt as though the staff loved her as much as we do. At 3yo she is there now (not right now, even I don't leave her there til 10pm) and I can't praise it highly enough.

If you work in central London and want a recommendation for a nursery which has excellent experience with tinies and where my DD is thriving PM me.

[MsPassepartout]

Bumwad

According to the government
www.gov.uk/maternity-pay-leave/leave

The earliest you can usually start maternity leave is 11 weeks before the expected week of childbirth. So, from 29 weeks onwards. Unless baby is born before 29 weeks, as maternity leave automatically kicks in as soon as baby is born.

[NameChange30]

Cross posts - I was replying to Loverofcake

[NameChange30]

That's why I suggested finding a recommended childminder. Although parents obviously don't know what happens when they're not there, they can still tell whether their children are happy to be left, observe how they respond to the childminder and whether it affects how they behave at home.

I have chosen nursery for DS when he starts at 9 months but if he was younger I would have done my best to find a recommended childminder that we liked.

I understand the need to be realistic but I hope not everyone who works in a nursery thinks it's a shit job! (Although when looking around I did think that I personally would hate to do it!)

[Changerofname987654321]

I am in no way nursery bashing but there would have been no way I would have been able to leave my baby at 3 months and I physically would not have been up to it after traumatic birth, sepsis and getting up to feed up my baby 4 times a night.

Look cutting back to the mimimal amount of money you can spend now so you can save as much as you can so you can extend your maternity if you wanted to.

[MsPassepartout]

I'd start looking at nurseries early. If you want a place at popular ones you sometimes need to get your name down months before you need the place. The day nursery we used for our DC lets you put your baby's name down for the baby room before the baby is born. Most of the babies there started after 6 months old though.

[LoverOfCake]

Namechange most nursery workers are young girls just out of school working towards a childcare qualification. Most don't know the first thing about babies hence why they start out in nurseries and most move on within months as nurseries have an incredibly high staff turnover because working in a nursery is such a shit job.

Sometimes you'll get more mature workers but they are very much in the minority.

FWIW I do agree that a nursery is the better environment as there is generally more than one adult in a room at a time so if anything is amiss this can be picked up by other adults whereas childminders essentially work out of their own homes with no-one to supervise them or raise the alarm if the baby in their care is being neglected or just badly looked after.

But people need to be realistic. Nurseries are businesses not loving childcare settings where everyone wants to provide the loving environment for children, the nursery is there to make money hence why the workers are paid minimum wage and the parents are charged over the odds.

And while many of the young girls perhaps start out in a nursery because they love babies I think that it's safe to say that the delusion is shattered pretty quickly.

[NameChange30]

Just thought of something else to factor into your financial planning. You accrue annual leave during maternity leave. So you could use annual leave as well as maternity leave to take a bit longer if you want (as you will get full pay during annual leave). Not that there's anything wrong with going back after 3 months if that's what you want/Need to do. But it's a good idea to consider the options in case you change your mind and want a bit longer.

[LoverOfCake]

Am guessing the law's changed then as when I was pg it was 30 weeks iirc or even 28, with illness after I think it was 28 weeks being considered the start of mat leave.

At any rate I went on mat leave at 34 weeks... but that was fifteen years ago.

And my sil went on mat leave at 32 weeks with twins and that was only six years ago.

[NameChange30]

Advice
"people very close to minimum wage will not be invested in any child"
What a nasty and ignorant thing to say. I would argue the opposite, a nursery worker is hardly doing it for the money, they do it because they love babies and toddlers. If they wanted an easy minimum wage job there are other options!!

[Bisquick]

I'd agree with AliPfefferman on preferring a nursery over a CM or individual nanny. Looking after newborns is "boring" and one of my acquaintances discovered their nanny was spending most of the morning drinking and then sleeping and only cleaning up in time for their return from work rather than actually caring for the newborn. Thankfully they lived in a condo and the door staff noticed a sudden pickup in vodka bottles being chucked out and odd behaviour and reported her (this was in the US). Nurseries near us all take babies in at 3 mos although it does mean you and your partner need to work around pick up and drop offs.

[BumWad]

(Agree with the rest of those post though)

[BumWad]

LoverofCake you are incorrect by law maternity leave can not start earlier than 36 weeks

[Adviceplease360]

Stroke it definitely depends on the nursery, the ratio is higher I think in the UK and tbh if a mother struggles with attending to twins or triplets how on earth is a stranger going to manage? We have to factor in nurseries are businesses, there to make money first and foremost, people very close to minimum wage will not be invested in any child. Some (rarely) may have a genuine bond but that is incredibly rare as they simply don't have the time with paperwork and three separate routines to manage.

[HSMMaCM]

OP visit CM's and nurseries and you will get a feeling for what is right. If you can afford it though, I'd get a nanny for a tiny baby.

[LoverOfCake]

@Strokethefurrywall no the ratio in nurseries in the UK is three babies to one adult when they're under one, with most nurseries being so under staffed that there is very unlikely to be the possibility of a three month old being cuddled all day. In fact at three months the OP's baby will be the youngest by miles and the likelihood is that the nursery workers will need to spend more time with the more interactive babies who may be crawling or even on their way to walking while OP's baby will essentially be a newborn still.

Also, OP says that her income will drop to £140 a week on SMP but putting a baby in nursery full-time for five days a week is likely to cost at least £50 a day if not more so we're only talking £100 a week more than OP would be earning on SMP but still £1000 a month which presumes that the OP must have a hell of a disposable income.

And honestly, when you have children you live to your means. Obviously the OP may need to go back to work at some point but if their outgoings are so high they can spend £1000 plus on childcare from three months as well as afford their huge mortgage there have to be ways to cut their outgoings for three months at least so this doesn't have to happen.

[Strokethefurrywall]

conserveisposhforjam - but surely that depends on the nursery chosen?

I live in a different country so perhaps daycare facilities here have a lower turnover of staff, but both my boys, born 2 1/2 years apart had the same baby nanny (she was one of 5 baby nannies that had a ratio of 2:1) - DS1 loved her so much, her name was his first word (I wasn't insulted, he flat out refused to say mama until he was 16 months, choosing to say Dada, nana, Elvis, ball, boo etc ahead of mama).

Even better if you can find a daycare facility close to your place of work so you can drop in during the day and/or get there for a nursing session. I know a number of people who work in central London who did this. The only thing that matters is that you are comfortable with the facility you choose. Sure it would be lovely to stay home for a year, but it wasn't an option where I live and it's not an option for OP. And honestly, at 3-4 months old, they don't give a shiny rat's ass where the milk/cuddle/pamper change is coming from. They only care that they're getting them.

If the OP doesn't want to use a childminder or nanny, then daycare is a perfectly wonderful alternative. Both of mine were settled into a fantastic routine which carried over at home. It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, my kids both cried when they left and had to go to pre-school.

[conserveisposhforjam]

You need to do some research on attachment op. A childminder or nanny will enable your baby to form attachment to one consistent carer. A nursery won't. Those first few months and years are absolutely crucial -.do some research and see what conclusions you come to then.

[insancerre]

It will be easier for the baby to settle in a nursery at 3 months than at 12 months

[Mama234]

Agree with loverofcake

[LoverOfCake]

Let's not pretend that a baby benefits from being left in a nursery for ten hours a day five days a week. It doesn't. The only people who benefit are the parents who need to maintain their high incomes and big mortgage.

Most babies don't go into nurseries until at least six months old, and if you're going to leave your baby all day every day when it's so young it will adapt to the nursery's routine and not yours, plus you'll barely see him/her from monday to Friday as he'll likely be in bed within minutes of you arriving home.

Added to which if you have the baby prematurely you will have to put an adjusted aged baby into nursery or alternatively if the baby is born late (often up to two weeks for a first baby) you'll be putting a ten week old in nursery who will only have had its first lot of injections.

Also, if you have any pregnancy related complications you may be forced to take your maternity leave early even if the baby hasn't been born yet.

It's not uncommon for people to be signed off on maternity from anything as early as 30/32 weeks and you won't be in a position to leave the baby when it's only a couple of weeks old but your mat leave will start when you leave work.

These are all things you need to consider, and honestly, I would just tighten your belts now and wouldn't even consider going back to work until the baby's at least six months old.