Feeling so lost and alone, and not sure where to go from here. Anyone else?

[Stuckinarut234]

I'm 38, married with two wonderful children. We generally have a nice life, for which I am grateful (nice but modest home in a good neighborhood , no debt , little cushion of savings etc) . However,right now I am feeling so lost and alone.

Our eldest child has autism and learning disabilities, in a specialist school. I'm a SAHM/carer. I'm currently unable to work in an official capacity as I'm waiting for tests for chronic illness (exhaustion and pain are my main symptoms but have a whole host of them) and we don't have much family around to help with the kids.

I'm naturally very introverted and have never needed a lot of friends. However, due to the above, pretty much all of my friendships fell away during COVID. None of them could really understand what I was dealing with, added into lockdowns and life being tough for everyone, that friends just drifted away. I've tried a couple of times to instigate communication again but lives have moved on.

I have limited contact with my mother. She is just not a nice person and parts of my childhood was absolute hell. I've had two lots of counselling over it and my brother also barely speaks to her.

I've tried making friends with the other parents at my other DCs school but nothing has happened beyond basic chit chat (or they use me as Sounding board but nothing more). I get on better with my eldest child's class parents (all SEN parents) but most of the kids have transport so we rarely see each other.

I don't need a huge host of Friends but I honestly have no one. I have never felt so lost and alone.
I'm not usually one to wallow and very much get on with it, but lately I've had a massive slump.
I can't even volunteer because of ill health. My hobbies are solitary. I'd absolutely love to join a walking group but I can't because it causes my symptoms to flare. Added to that, being an ALN parent can be so isolating.

My husband is lovely and I'm lucky to have him. But I'd love a couple of friends or sense of community but not sure how to go about it, especially with our circumstances. Autistic child primarily wants me right now too, so I can't even attend groups in the evening and weekends are usually family time.

Lockdown was quite a dark time but I muddled through because I had no choice. Now we're on the other side of things, I'm not at a place in my life where I feel stuck and lost.

Anyone else feeling similar? Or have any suggestions?
Thank you if you've read these self pitying ramblings ,🙂

[Lovelyview]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I think COVID lockdown disrupted a lot of friendship groups. That's certainly been my experience. I've also been feeling a bit cast adrift and a series of illnesses hasn't helped. I think the weather has also been deeply depressing. Anyway, what to do? When I'm over my latest bout of illness ( fortunately only a cold this time) I'm going to contact one friend who has a dog to see if I can join her for a walk and chat and also see if she and a couple of other friends want to meet up for a coffee some time. I think if you're ill then doing some small things could help. Can you contact a parent of the older child who you felt a connection with to see if they wanted to have a cup of coffee and a chat?

[Imupforthat]

Not at all self pitying.  I’m in a very similar position and it is heartbreakingly lonely.   

On the outside I look like I have it all - lovely husband, home, lifestyle but I would love to be included (not that I haven’t tried).  I sit and cry sometimes knowing that there’s social stuff going on that I’m just not invited to.   I think people assume because I’m not out and about I’m not interested as opposed to being at home dealing with a meltdown

It’s not quite the same but would online groups work for you?   I did a couple of workshops and got to know others in the same position.   From that we now have virtual coffee and cake.    

I second the idea of contacting the other parent and suggesting meeting up.   The parent group at my son’s school have been life savers for me.   Again it’s mainly text but we’re slowly building on that.

[Nattalie18]

Hi OP sorry you’re feeling low. Have you tried the Peanut app? It’s been great for me to meet some local mums who are also keen to meet for a coffee etc. I’d recommend it! Good luck x

[Redannie118]

Have you thought of joining a carers support group? Your GP will be able to give you details of any local ones and they do face-to-face socials and online support groups. They will all be in the same boat as you and will understand how hard things can be.

[Priya953]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so lost and alone right now. What you're going through as a caregiver with limited support must be incredibly challenging. It's understandable to feel this way, especially after the isolating lockdown experience.

I admire your resilience and commitment to your family. There may be online communities or virtual support groups for parents of children with special needs that provide a sense of understanding and belonging, even if you can't participate in person right now.

It's crucial to prioritize your well-being as a caregiver. The articles I came across offer some practical tips that could be beneficial https://yourmentalhealthpal.com/how-to-deal-with-loneliness/ . One suggestion that resonated with me was spending time with animals. Whether it's a pet or just a friendly neighborhood dog, these interactions can provide a much-needed sense of connection and comfort. Additionally, the idea of journaling is a wonderful way to process your thoughts and feelings.

Remember, you're not alone in this journey. Reaching out to other parents of children with special needs, even for a simple coffee or a walk, can help build a supportive community. I truly hope you find ways to nurture your own well-being amidst the demands on your time and energy. You're doing an incredible job, and I'm wishing you all the best.

[ViciousCurrentBun]

I’m retired early so very different stage of life but needed to find people in the daytime as DH and all my friends are at work.

You haven’t said what sort of times which I guess are very limited when you may be able to get a little time to yourself. I volunteer for two charities, one is a charity shop and the other cooking. The cooking one is a full days work but the charity shop apart from one morning a week is very much drop in when I can. I work mainly in the stock room sorting and pricing stuff and changing displays. I have made friends with an absolute hoot of a woman and we have a coffee after our shift finishes every week. I also do a daytime dancing class, they do exist but are harder to find. Mine is mainly retired women, my friend from the shop is 82 years young and old enough to be my Mum but friendship can transcend any age.

[Priya953]

Hey there! It sounds like you're in a different stage of life and looking to connect with people during the daytime since your spouse and friends are at work. Volunteering for charities and engaging in activities that interest you is a great idea. It's lovely that you've made friends at the charity shop, and it's amazing how friendship can transcend age. Have you considered exploring other daytime activities, like joining a dancing class? It could be a great way to meet like-minded individuals, and you might find a supportive community there. Engaging in these activities and forming connections can add more fulfillment and companionship to your days. If you ever feel empty inside, you might find the article on coping with that feeling insightful:https://yourmentalhealthpal.com/how-to-cope-with-feeling-empty-inside/ . Take care, and enjoy your journey of finding daytime companionship!