Has anyone left medicine (or a similarly 'intense' career) to be a SAHM?

[lilacbluegreen]

I need to make a decision ASAP on whether to return to medicine. I've had nearly 1.5 years out between a difficult pregnancy and staying at home with my baby, and before that I was locumming fairly part time. I've missed very little about the job but have suddenly got cold feet about finalising not returning (I have a training programme in place that I have not yet started). Returning less than full time to give it a go isn't an option as the training programme is not where I currently live and would require a house move (away from our support circle...), sorting of childcare and probably some job changes for DH, so I don't want to do it unless I really am committed to it. I don't think returning is in my baby's (or DH's) best interests but I'm suddenly very anxious about properly closing the door on medicine and having nothing else waiting for me. The plan currently is to remain a SAHM whilst we finish having our children and then possibly retrain. I'm having a massive wobble and feel generally quite low in confidence. Medicine has been my identity for a long time (even though I haven't actually worked in it that long...) and most of my friends are medics. I've never had time for hobbies around it and don't know how to describe myself to people I meet if not as a doctor. A lot of our friends are very career driven and I feel very self-conscious when they are around. But ... my day to day life is lovely, I adore motherhood, my little one is thriving as is my relationship with DH. We are all sane, the house is clean and I get enormous enjoyment from 'the small things'. We travel a lot and I can't remember the last time I felt properly stressed. Conversely, when I was a doctor, I can't remember ever truly feeling relaxed as I was constantly worried about work, exams, portfolio etc. I don't want to spend my little one's childhood feeling like that. None of my medic friends are close to having children so I have no one to talk to about it. Can anyone who has been through similar advise?

[WhenIsTheGeneralElection]

Hi,

I did this. I was a research scientist with a lot of transatlantic travel and a long commute.

I definitely couldn't have gone back to work. I'm a dyed in the wool SAHM. However, it was hard to leave my old identity behind. To be frank, all my best friends at work were men, and when I left my job, I lost all my friends too.

What I did in the end was getting a volunteer work-from-home job in my old organisation so that I still had a toe in the door. I also took on voluntary work as the manager of a volunteer organisation in the NHS. I find that fantastically interesting, but being voluntary, I can work when I want to, and step back when the family need me to.

I also took up a musical instrument.

It is a bit hard tbh, but I couldn't imagine juggling a job and a child. I just don't have the headspace.

Much later on I found that both DS and I are ASD so both of us are a bit complicated to run, like a pair of Morris Minors. I think that is part of it. If we both ran like Rolls Royces, it might have been more feasible.

I think if you can find some very little job, or voluntary work, that really helps. In the old days they called is "piece work" and I think people now talk about a "portfolio career". It means you still have something cool to do and when people say "what do you do?" you still have a cracking good answer.

[theduchessofspork]

I dunno.. but what I would do in your shoes is talk to whatever your professional body about what you could do PT.

[lilacbluegreen]

Thanks @WhenIsTheGeneralElection for replying. I'm glad you found fulfilment - how easy did you find it to get into voluntary roles that suited you? I'd love to find something like this and still feel involved in society.

I'm definitely no rolls royce (I love the analogy!) - when I did work I was very efficient and thorough but then spent my time out of work feeling very overwhelmed and stressed. I know realistically that I can't be both the mother and doctor I want to be at the same time but it is so hard as my friends are so career driven. Even the (lovely) new mums I've met all talk about how boring staying at home is and how they can't wait to be back in work. It makes me feel like I'm about to make a really bad decision.

[lilacbluegreen]

@theduchessofspork unfortunately I really haven't got any work contacts to speak to due to my time out and the rotations we do as juniors followed by time spent locumming in different departments. I've not made the best career moves realistically. Locums have completely dried up and the non-training posts I've seen are few and far between, not in the specialties I feel comfortable in and all still involve quite a high burden of out of hours work which I'm not desperately keen to do with a baby. I think given my time out, a training post is the only way to really get back in. But I'm not sure I want to be in at all. Sorry, I'm rambling!

[Mischance]

You seem to be placing far too much importance on the fact that your friends are "career driven." That is their choice; you must make yours with your head held high and not be influenced by their choices.
You say very clearly that you "cannot be both a mother and a doctor" so don't try. Your life is on an even keel at present ... why destroy that?
Education and knowledge are NEVER wasted. At some point in the future your wealth of knowledge will find its productive outlet ... it may not be in medicine but in some related occupation.
Be positive about your decision .... trust your instincts ... do what feels right for you and your family.

[rong]

What training programme is it? If my husband could support us without me working I would probably think about it. But it's good to have a career in case your relationship ends or he loses his job

[Giveupnow]

Yes. I was a GP, I’ve been a SAHM for 4 years now. I’ll probably go back next year. Bit different that I had already CCT’d and it was a while ago so I don’t know the ins and outs of the training pathway now. What specialty? You can still do LTFT and move.

if you want more medicine focused advice there are probably better places to ask rather than MN!

[rong]

Like the physician mums group

[Sparklybutold]

I left my training in 2016. I wanted to be more present in my kids life. I also wanted more children that being a doctor wouldn't permit (and also be the one that brings them up). I lost my mum when I was 2 so this feeling ran very deep. I also became increasingly anti medical model and could see the damage being done. I wanted to help but felt my life as a doctor couldn't facilitate this. I now work third sector and love it but did spend a few years flittering between jobs! One including being a gardener (which I loved, only stopping owing to ill health). Happy to pm if you would like to churn it over with someone who's tread a similar path?

[Giveupnow]

@Sparklybutold ooooh pls could you PM me? I have no idea what “third sector “ means 🤣 I’m out of touch. But I’m not keen on returning to gp to be honest.

[theduchessofspork]

I meant more like professional development advice


Am waiting for a plane so had a quick Google

I’d hope something PT would be available

https://london.hee.nhs.uk/careers-unit

https://www.practitionerhealth.nhs.uk/careers-advice

https://www.dsn.org.uk/professional-support

https://career-counselling-services.co.uk/career-coaching/career-coaching-for-doctors/

https://www.nwpgmd.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/Resources%20for%20doctors%20who%20are%20considering%20leaving%20medicinepdf.pdf

Medical women’s federation

https://www.nwpgmd.nhs.uk/sites/default/files/Resources%20for%20doctors%20who%20are%20considering%20leaving%20medicinepdf.pdf

[socialdilemmawhattodo]

I used to work in the City as a qualified professional - so very different career to yours but still long hours, stressful, commitment required. My ex and I managed when DC was at nursery. He was able to work 4 days per week; I did 50% which was very unpopular - my employer spent the best part of over 3 years trying to get rid of me. But starting school made that arrangement unworkable. So I gave up my job. 3 years later I was getting divorced - that process went on for a long time. I did end up many years later doing a return to work programme - one of the first. I had been out of the City for 7 years and it was too long a gap. I now work in Education using my skills and experience, but earning a pittance. I am still quite bitter although I bury that most days. I was good at my 1st career and I am good at my 2nd. However please note though that my ex's career has not been affected at all by either DC or the divorce. My advice to you: put yourself 1st. Finish your training. Then you have more control about your future. DH needs to support you to get through this final stage.

[71Alex]

I stopped a high stress career in The City to be a SAHM. No regrets. Before my first child was born I'd always assumed I'd continue being career driven, but I felt differently once he came along. I did go back for a bit but realised very quickly it wasn't for me.

A couple of thoughts:

Is your DH supportive? Is he ok with the pressure of only having one breadwinner in the family?

How will you ensure you are financially protected in the event your relationship doesn't work out?

Do you want to stop completely? Are there part time, lower stress options you might want to consider?

[lilacbluegreen]

Wow, thanks all for the responses. All really thoughtful and helpful.

I think deep down I don't really want to go back, and hence don't feel very motivated to look at LTFT options or other roles. Lots of people can manage the stress alongside raising a family but I don't think I'm one of them and don't want to uproot my family and sell our beloved home to find out that this is the case!

DH is wonderfully supportive whichever option I decide (which is great but less helpful for the decision process!). He is fortunately a high earner with good hours and flexibility. He pays into private pensions for us both and I'm able to register for child benefit to receive NI contributions. We have good savings and are financially comfortable. We also live in a low cost of living area. In the long term, I'd want to be doing something but I think currently I'm as financially secure as I can be whilst being a SAHM.

@Mischance you're right about needing to own my decision. I really do struggle with the identity loss and fear that others will see me as boring or not very bright. This was really exacerbated by a recent social event I went to.

@rong thanks for that - is it a facebook group? I genuinely am not sure where to go for advice as I don't know any other medic mums yet.

@Sparklybutold I would love to PM - thank you!

@socialdilemmawhattodo I'm sorry that happened - thank you for sharing. I definitely am aware of the risks to my own finances and career.

[lilacbluegreen]

@theduchessofspork so kind of you to look into this for me whilst waiting for a plane! I will read through your links. Thank you!

[LeanIntoChaos]

I am a doctor and a mother! It definitely can be done, although you are right it is not without stress. Kind of through the worst of it now.

I obviously didn't give up work to be a SAHM, so on the other side of the picture. I have 4 children and hope that I am a present mother for them. It was (I think) the right decision for me, but might not be for you.

I went 60% ltft with two set days off a week so I could care for the kids on those days. Husband wasnt a doctor so could do evenings if I had long days or morning if I had nights. The kids went to nursery when I was working. If I worked weekends, husband had them.

When they were really little it felt like I was hanging on by my fingernails and it was stressful and difficult. The house was frequently a mess and my children have an eggy bread obsession because they had that about three times a week at one point.

When the littlest went to school I went back full time and am now a consultant in a specialty with no on calls and work 8--4. I drop to breakfast club or secondary school. I can pick up by 4 so the kids can do their many extra curriculars. It's a brilliant job for me now, works wonderfully around my family.

But, it was hard work and it was stressful. I always loved it though and it defined me to a certain extent. For me it was worth it, but for you, it might not be! Make sure it's not just going back from mat leave jitters tho. I've done it four times and thought I couldn't do it every single time.

[IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy]

This lady is a former doctor. Little City (my-sfs.com)

[monkey42]

Tricky one, I am a medic completely at the other end and in a hospital specialty. I found the juggle of pre school years horrendous and reassure all my trainees these days will pass. When my youngest started reception I remember just thinking ‘thank god I didn’t quit’. I was always in love with my job though and very anxious not to play second fiddle to my husband so a different scenario.
if it were me I would explore a way to keep your hand in or consider as part time as you can so it remains an option, good luck

[WhenIsTheGeneralElection]

Hi @lilacbluegreen,

I flitted around a bit tbh. I just kept volunteering for whatever would be good to help with DS's activities, and it sort of grew from there.

I did a stint as a freelance writer and my mentor said, "don't think about what you should write about. Just start writing and find out what comes out of the pen." He was very very right about that. I found out a lot about myself from writing.

I also went to see a clinical psychologist and talked a lot about what I wanted to do with the second half of my life and that was extremely interesting. I have ended up doing completely different things, from the things I would have expected and am now a completely different person, in a good way.

I think isolation and loss of identity is tricky, so it's well worth figuring out where you can get company. I think it's probably essential to have volunteer work just so you don't ended up totally isolated. So many women work now that it can be really hard to find anyone to talk to. I have really a lot of retired friends. A surprising number of my friends are octogenarian professors and they are very very interesting to talk to.

[Gringey]

I left clinical medicine and had exactly the same problems with loss of identity. It took a few years after leaving for those identity wobbles to go but now I see 100% it was the right decision.

I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with seeing now as a phase of life that you are giving to family. I also wouldn’t discount a return to medicine later if you want to. I know of people who have gone back after 10 years out, even if they never cct’d. There are ways if you’re determined. If you wanted you could keep yourself hand in with the odd locum if the locums start popping up again.

[headache]

I left a professional job on the City to become a SAHM and have never regretted it. We also moved to a cheap area of the country and just scaled back life and ended up having 4 DC. I retrained in a different career 11 years later. When I look at younger colleagues trying to balance young DC, childcare, then being unwell it seems far too stressful. I don’t think I could have done it with 4.

[rong]

I'm CCTing this year. I had 2 kids during training. If I could go back I think I'd try to take a hospital staff grade job with a fixed rota rather than bother with the stress of training. Not an option for GP though.
Physician mums is a Facebook group

[Reticulocyte]

I’m a vet and had 8 years out for children but I went back to it once they started school. It was tough coming back but my children are grown up now and I have absolutely no regrets. I gradually increased my hours as they got older and now work full time.

[71Alex]

Another thought OP - how would you feel doing the training programme if your husband stopped work for a bit or went part time so he could take on the childcare and household responsibilities? And then you could take a break or go part time after that?

[aesopsgables]

My mom did. Left her career as an anaesthesiologist to be a trailing spouse and SAHM. She was/is a great mom, but there were definitely times that I could tell, as her young child, that being a SAHM was frustrating for her. And she really laid the guilt on when I was 'challenging' teenager, because she had 'given up her whole career' for me - when I never asked her to. She's admitted to me more recently that she was kind of sick of her job before she left - but after me and my siblings were a little older and needed her less, she missed working and was limited in what she could go back to.