Nearly 38, no children, boyfriend doesn't want any...

[dreamingpixie]

I'm 38 years old next month, I've been with my boyfriend for only 9 months and he's said that he doesn't really want children before but I finally asked him outright on Saturday and he says that with the way the world is going he doesn't want to have children. He's 46 so it's not that he's too young to want them. He's my longest relationship - because I can always not see a future with men from very early on. Maybe being with him was me fooling myself thinking that I'm ready to have children but it takes much more than being with a good person.

I wasn't sure if I would ever have children and maybe I never will but I think I want them in the next few years. I'd definitely want more than one since I was an only child.

We had a scare in December where I thought I was pregnant and I was scared but so happy at the thought of being a mum. He was adamant that I should have an abortion, which I didn't want at all. Turns out I wasn't pregnant but I thought at the time, it's just not the right time, maybe one day, he'll want children with me. But he doesn't.

Even if I did have children, I think he's too negative and I don't want them being brought up with this view that life sucks and with a victim mentality.

Just wanted to vent. I feel like I'll never be a mum. He can have children at 60 if he chooses to, but I can't. I'm 38 shock/horror

[Chikapu]

Do you even like this man? It's only been 9 months and it sounds like a crappy relationship to me. He's made it perfectly clear he doesn't want kids so move on.

[dreamingpixie]

Chikapu - thanks for replying. Yes, I do like him. He's a really good person with lots of integrity and he adores animals, just like me.

I was just trying to say the facts of my issue only and not waffle too much. I know what I have to do, just dreading it :/

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He’s got to 46 without having any, he’s very clear kids aren’t in his future.

You’re not going to stay together long term so just break up now and move on. At 38 you’re running out of time, especially if you want more than one.

The comment about his negativity and victim mentality are incredibly critical so I don’t see him as mr right now either.

[Foxywhale]

It's only 9 months in but I need to tell you this. I'm the same age as you and I have girlfriends who are the same as your partner, they do not under any circumstances want children. If he has told you at 46 that he doesn't want children he 100% doesn't want children. And the pregnancy scare you had cements that, especially with him being so adamant that you have an abortion, going forward I personally think you should think, Do I love him enough to respect his wishes and know that I will never have a child or do I really want children at some point. But please I'm saying this as I've seen it not work out well please make sure you always use protection. I hope everything works out for you no matter the situation.

[GeorgiaMcGraw]

He wanted you to have an abortion when you didn't want one/need one. He doesn't sound that good a man to me. What would happen if you did fall pregnant accidentally, would he be supportive? Or would he blame and resent you, pressure you to abort, or leave if you didn't? I'm sorry to be negative, but it doesn't sound like you're overly compatible, and the whole "state of the world" reasoning is just daft. There has never been a good, safe time universally. Still, we live.

[PurpleDaisies]

He’s been absolutely clear with you. He doesn’t want children.

If that’s a deal breaker for you, you’re better ending it now.

[VodselForDinner]

If he had said he wanted children, nobody would sound-guess that choice.

You speak quite poorly of him.

You’re not going to have children with him, move on.

[Porridgeislife]

He doesn’t want children & at 46 he won’t change, especially if his reaction to a pregnancy scare is to seek an abortion.

Kindly I’d urge you to have your eggs frozen and move on from this relationship if children are really what you want to do.

[PurpleDaisies]

the whole "state of the world" reasoning is just daft.

It’s a good thing that the only justification someone needs for not wanting children is that they don’t want them.

[dreamingpixie]

Thank you for your replies.

I'm sorry if I sounded critical, he is actually a really good person and even though he was adamant with the abortion, he said he would be with me no matter what I chose in the end. I guess I'm just as pessimistic as he is.

[PurpleDaisies]

Whether he’s pessimistic or not is irrelevant. He doesn’t want children and you do. Doesn’t that mean you’re fundamentally incompatible?

[VodselForDinner]

He wanted you to have an abortion when you didn't want one/need one

She didn’t need one because she wasn’t pregnant.

I think many people, three months into a relationship, would be strongly in favour of terminating an unplanned pregnancy, that doesn’t make him a bad person. OP said he was adamant that she should have an abortion, but hasn’t given any indication that he was coercive about the matter. If he was, presumably she would have ended the relationship 6 months ago.

[PurpleDaisies]

Men are allowed to have opinions about whether their partner should continue an unplanned pregnancy or not. They just have absolutely no actual say in what decision gets made by the woman who is pregnant.

[Enny70]

You need to leave if you really want children. Having said that you say your 38, and are sure you will want multiple children in the next couple of years - and also say that you can never see a future with many men which is why you don’t have children.

I think you need to get real with yourself, if you were desperate for children you would have tried long before 38 to have them as there is absolutely no garuntee you’ll be able to have multiple children over the next few years into your 40’s. And on top of that if you find relationships with men to be so dissatisfying perhaps family life with them isnt for you.

It sounds like your living a fantasy life of children and family in your head which you actually haven’t really tried very hard to put into practice. You may need to be honest with yourself, the chances of you starting a new relationship with a man you do see a future with (since you’ve said that’s a problem) in time for you to be able to have multiple children is not so hot.

[Kennykenkencat]

Dump him and go it alone.

You both want different things

If you really want children and see them in your future then go for it.

You don’t know what the world holds so go after what you want.
Don’t take on others opinions or live by what they want.

I think the state of the world argument is usually given by people who don’t want to take responsibility for their actions or opinions.

[Kennykenkencat]

I think you need to get real with yourself, if you were desperate for children you would have tried long before 38 to have them as there is absolutely no garuntee you’ll be able to have multiple children over the next few years into your 40’s. And on top of that if you find relationships with men to be so dissatisfying perhaps family life with them isnt for you

I didn’t have children before I was in my late 30s. Most of my post natal group were older than me having their first child. Only 1 or 2 had only children. A lot had 2 children , a couple had 3 and one had 4

Just because there isn’t a man in the household doesn’t mean you can’t be a family

[Tuesdaynight]

I was 37 with a partner who had children from a previous relation and didn't want more. I ended it and met someone else and now have two DC. You have to go for what you want or else it will eat away at you in later life.

[AliceW89]

I think you sound a bit naive to be honest OP. Your DP is clear in his wishes that he doesn’t want children. You need to respect that or end the relationship. You criticise him pretty heavily in your first post as well - leaving aside children, is this relationship actually good? I also think, at 38, in your situation, staying you want multiple children is really far fetched. I think you need to think if only having one was an option, would that be something you could go for? It sounds like you may well be doing it alone, based on both your current and previous relationships. Are you in an okay place to do this?

[AliceW89]

I think the state of the world argument is usually given by people who don’t want to take responsibility for their actions or opinions

Or, actually, it’s probably one of his many completely legitimate reasons as to why he doesn’t want to have a child? I worry frequently about what state the planet will be in if and when 2 year old DS is 80.

[Dalekjastninerels]

I think you and your boyfriend do not have enough in common and wanting vs not wanting children is an important thing to have in common.

Love is not enough compatibility and respect are equally if not important.

[Dalekjastninerels]

more

[Aquamarine1029]

You are massively wasting your time, and sadly time is not on your side. If you want kids, you need to leave him now.

[MagicTurtle]

He's been honest with you OP. Now you need to make up your mind whether you want kids more than this relationship.

[Octomore]

I think I want them in the next few years. I'd definitely want more than one since I was an only child.

If you want children you need to get on the case. Like now.

If your BF doesn't want them that means he's not right for you, and you need to be brutal about it. You do not have a few years to waste while you decide what you really want.

[HousePlantLandlord]

If you’d like children you know what you need to do.

In your next relationship please check early whether they want children. I wouldn’t have even gone on a first date with OH had he not wanted that too and on date 4 I even spelt out a timeline before I was 36 when we met. I was determined to have children with or without him tbh. Luckily he wanted it with me too.

You can find the same with clear communication & connection.