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Extreme gender disappointment - need a boost

48 replies

fateisfate · 25/08/2017 19:36

Hello ladies, I know this is a really sensitive topic with lots of different opinions on it, but I have one DS who is 4 and half years old, his personality is very hyper and boisterous which caused me to have a few years age gap before I was ready for another, I fell pregnant after he turned 3 and my lovely DS2 is now 7 weeks old.

Now the thing is, I've always only ever wanted 2 kids because it's hard being a mum and financiallyl demanding, I'm a full time mum so that pressure is on DH and I would imagine is more manageable with 2 children.

But I always imagined myself to have atleast one daughter in the mix. I don't. I have my 2 healthy children but they are boys, love them and wouldn't change them but after the birth of DS2 I have found myself uncontrollably low about not getting that girl, I have shared this with DH who says I should be grateful for 2 healthy children but he knows I've had a life long yearning for a girl so completely understands.

I would like to get over these feelings. I can't imagine having 3 children, it must be hard even though I contemplate a chance the 3rd could be a girl.

Any advice to help me feel better even if it's a snap into reality kind of advice, I need it!!

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indulgentberries · 28/08/2017 21:00

It's easy to feel low about things after the birth and totally understandable. Be kind to yourself and enjoy your boys - bring them up to be kind and considerate and to be decent men and you might have a lovely daughter in law one day. I know that's not the same but your sons are just as special as a daughter. I know you know that, hence saying to be kind to yourself.

don't dress them in pink frilly dresses though

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Gbtch · 28/08/2017 20:57

I have two. First time I wanted a boy - got a beautiful girl. Second time I wanted a girl- got a beautiful boy. We can't predict but we can enjoy the beautiful gift of a happy healthy child. You can change only your mind. Enjoy your lovely babies for what they are.

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fateisfate · 27/08/2017 22:08

BakedBeans47 that was very comforting and totally makes sense that the feeling disappeared like a switch! And absolutely spot on that it's not the gender we fall in love with it's the person they are. Wise words

So far my DS2 has been a patient and good little boy and I pray that he stays a calm person. DS1 has developed an ego, he literally has been finding it difficult to say please and sorry! He wasn't like this, it's all happened since he saw bump growing and knew baby on the way! It can be very frustrating to c him play up like that..

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BakedBeans47 · 27/08/2017 18:15

Oh and ignore the bullshit comments and sayings some people come out with. I know large families of all boys who have incredibly close relationships with their parents.

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BakedBeans47 · 27/08/2017 18:13

I also have 2 boys and for a while hankered for a third to see if we would have a girl. One day it was like a switch flicked and I realised I didn't and I was done.

You don't love your kids because of their sex you love them for who they are. I am now not in the slightest bit bothered about not having had a girl. Any hankering I might have had is completely long gone.

Enjoy your two lovely boys it's very sweet watching two little brothers grow up together.

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Fitzsimmons · 26/08/2017 22:24

Having just scrolled through the thread I'm glad you got some supportive comments. The first few posters were very harsh, unnecessarily so. Please don't think your feelings are not valid because they absolutely are. If you carry on feeling this way for much longer may I suggest you get checked out for PND?

My son struggled with the arrival of his sister, but he did settle down again and now they play together quite a lot, which is lovely to see. I second the recommendation that you get some one to one time with your DS as often as possible, it will help him with the transition.

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user1496587010 · 26/08/2017 22:14

Yes definitely a phase! His little worlds have been turned upside down. But he'll come round. Early days but try & manage a bit of one on one time with him when you can. Sooner or later he'll be delighted to have a play mate (all squabbles aside!)

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fateisfate · 26/08/2017 19:47

Thank you krummymummy ultimately that is correct, I do feel a lot better having heard from you all on here.. so thank you. My 4 year old however is having trouble adjusting to sharing his mummy and daddy and although he loves his brother he is very jealous and recently having tantrums and has become a really sensitive, defensive and angry child, I'm feeling sad about this! I hope it's a phase?!

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krummymummy · 26/08/2017 13:48

Just want to point out a bond with a child is what you make it. Boy/ Girl.
So take no notice of comments about girls being better than boys at this xx

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Passthecake30 · 26/08/2017 08:33

I have a friend with 4 sons so she repeatedly gets the same comments, she's just prepared herself with a multitude of comebacks, she would have (secretly) liked a girl but loves all her boys regardless.
I'm fairly close to my MIL... so that saying isn't completely true..

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fateisfate · 25/08/2017 23:46

Just spent some time reading your responses, thank you so much for lots of support and words of wisdom. Well spotted that i do have a fear that DS2 will be boisterous and full on like DS1 but it is correct to say they can also turn out very different to each other.

Also another reason I adore girls is their irresistible clothes but again who's to say she will be girly girl. I can't contemplate having a third because there is the risk having another boy could create disappointment but at the same time I believe that God does answer prayers eventually.

Yes with a 7 week old baby I'm totally sleep deprived especially since I'm fully breastfeeding.

Thank you to those who feel I am entitled to express my feelings and look for support and comfort. In all honesty, I think some people do go through GD but not everyone will voice it due to fear of backlash and I fully understand why but bottling is not good for the mind and this is an available way to release feelings.

And sadly; I have also experienced comments that have made me feel worse, saying things like oh another boy, everyone's having boys, and mother and daughter bond not mother and sons, and the legendary 'a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life, a son is a son until he gets his wife' really bothers me as I feel insecure about our relationship when they grow older, probably because DH doesn't have the best relationship with his parents now, but then again my brother is great with my parents ..

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Tatlerer · 25/08/2017 21:49

Hello OP
I am mum to a gorgeous DD (3) who was born after 2.5 years of infertility and three failed IVFs. I experienced GD at my 20 wk scan as I'd always envisaged having a son. Now I really couldn't give a rat's ass (and we're stopping at one, for lots of reasons of which poor fertility is just one) so I do have an inkling of how you feel. We are all entitled to our feelings.

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famousfour · 25/08/2017 21:26

I also dislike the attitude that because some people have bigger problems the OP can't have her feelings. She has been clear she loves her DS but is sad about the fact she will never have a girl. She is just asking for support.

OP with a seven week baby you must be tired and run down and so things are likely to loom larger than they might otherwise. If you were my friend I would say accept you will feel this way for a little while and that it is not mutually exclusive with loving your son very much. I'm sure the feelings will pass and just remind yourself that what you might have imagined with a DD is just that - imagined. Every child is their own person and I'm sure your boys will bring you (and each other) much joy Smile

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AmysTiara · 25/08/2017 21:18

Surely the biggest boost is to accept and be delighted that you have two healthy children. Not everyone gets that.

Not being sarky I promise but it is true.

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SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 25/08/2017 21:15

I do understand OP. My DS1 was a "handful" to put it politely as a little boy (he has ASD but was undiagnosed when DC2 arrived). I used to get lots of helpful comments such as "boys eh?" and "I'm so glad I only had girls" (thanks mum!).

So when we were told that DC2 would be DS2 there was a brief time of gender disappointment if I'm honest. In my case it completely disappeared by the time he was born though - once I saw my beautiful, squishy newborn I couldn't care less which sex he was.

In any case, DS2 is the absolute polar opposite of DS1. DS2 was the most calm, happy, contented baby I've ever met. He slept through the night, every night, from 8 weeks. An "easier" baby, toddler & small child there never was. Even now at 16 he is the same. I think what I'm trying to say is that if your main concern about having 2 boys is that DS2 will be as demanding as DS1 - you don't know that. The stereotype of loud, naughty boys & quiet, angelic girls are just that - stereotypes. They don't necessarily reflect reality at all.

I did go on to have a DD 10 years later - and she is what people describe as a complete tomboy. Always in tracksuit bottoms (only thing hard enough wearing) and has spent most of the summer covered in mud! I'm honestly not trying to raise her as gender neutral (I'm not at all trendy) but she is most certainly not a girlie girl!

DS2 was far more refined at the same age Grin.

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ShowOfHands · 25/08/2017 21:12

Oh op. I'm sorry you feel this way and that you've received this reaction. Gender disappointment isn't a choice and I fully expect that you would choose not to feel this way if you could.

What people don't realise is that you aren't disappointed in the beautiful child you do have, you're sad about the door which closed. Often it's jeff all to do with perceived gender roles either and not a desire to fulfil notions of frilly dresses and spa days. Many a time it's more complicated than that and is more to do with fear over your abilities or concern about your own experience of parent/child relationships.

You are NOT stupid or ungrateful or bad. You're sad and your hormones will not be helping. If you fear it's symptomatic of a wider depression., please see your hv. However, it can be normal and I'd advise acceptance. Acknowledge the bittersweet closing of a door. Then celebrate the path you are walking to its fullest. The sadness will fade.

Your two boys are unique to you and each other. I promise you that the joy of them will eclipse your current sadness.

You were not wrong to post. Do NOT feel shame. You were brave and honest.

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krummymummy · 25/08/2017 21:03

You're seven weeks post-partum. How are you feeling generally? Is it possible these feelings are part of PND?

This is just what I was going to put and hugs.

I think find out what you feel a girl would bring. Find other ways to fill this in your life. X

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ocelot41 · 25/08/2017 21:03

I do think lots of you are being pretty mean. The OP just feels the way she feels. I expect she will take some time, process it and move on. She just needed a safe, supportive space to work through her feelings. It's not too hard to do that, is it?

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Dontrocktheboat · 25/08/2017 21:02

I wonder how much sleep you are getting with a 7 week old baby? I think it's ok to feel a degree of wistfulness for a girl, and I'm sure you realise fundamentally that having two healthy children is the main thing. But feelings don't always follow thoughts, and I definitely remember when I had a newish baby getting very stressed out and preoccupied with things that I could not get into proportion because of sleep deprivation.

I think it's natural to take a bit of adjustment to realising you might never have a girl. Definitely do not have a third unless you would be happy with another boy!

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SolomanDaisy · 25/08/2017 20:58

You're seven weeks post-partum. How are you feeling generally? Is it possible these feelings are part of PND?

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user1496587010 · 25/08/2017 20:54

Agree with others in that you're entitled to your feelings & to talk them through. I mean it would be mean to post this in the infertility section, but you haven't! Hopefully those experiencing difficulty might stay away as the thread title is clear enough.

Anyway not experienced this problem but I did read the unmumsy Mum book & she had a well thought out bit about her two boys. Loving them enormously but grieving a little bit for the family/life she thought she'd have. Maybe that might help? It was only a small section but the rest of the book was quite good too!

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Queenofthedrivensnow · 25/08/2017 20:51

You will adjust. Look in the bright side you don't need to buy much. Or you can put them in matchup clothes like I do Grin. They might be best friends.

Dd1 dreams came true when I had dd2. It wouldn't have been the same if he was the opposite gender. I imagine your ds is over the moon x

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Taylor22 · 25/08/2017 20:48

Gender disappointment is an actual recognised issue so all those womb warriors can get done off their high horse.
Would you tell someone suffering with PND to just cheer up and enjoy their baby because some can't have a baby?!

OP I had GD. After my 20 week scan I went to the toilets and sobbed. It wasn't something I chose to do I can't control what happened in my head. You can speak to your Midwife and Drs if you continue to struggle. You can also google GD. There's a lot of useful information out there.
But for me the best thing was time. She's now 15 months and I honestly couldn't imagine her being any different.

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demirose87 · 25/08/2017 20:45

I'll have two of each after I give birth to my second DC next month and I feel very lucky but I don't think I would feel any less lucky if I had just boys or just girls. I think we have what we are meant to have.

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Grumpbum · 25/08/2017 20:42

This stuff passed me by, I wanted children, I have 2. They're boys totally irrelevant they're my children and totally awesome

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