Dating ASD man

[joyfulnessss]

Hello, I'll get straight to it as you don't need a preamble

When dating someone with ASD does he mean basically everything in their terms?

Communication level on
their terms or it stresses them. They don't answer messages or start messages. They need space apart when they need it regardless of my needs at the time. Do activities that they like because other places overwhelm or stress or bore them.

How does a NT person have their needs met in a relationship with someone with ASD. Typically relationships are give and take. Both people do some stuff they don't want and both people accommodate as much as possible their partners needs and wants. Both people try to learn each others love language etc.

I'm feeling despondent. I feel like my needs will never be a priority ever. Ever.

What if we have kids. They will definitely have needs. How will ASD partner accommodate their needs or won't he?

Will a relationship only work if I such up all my needs and just roll with what works for him?

Sorry for my fat fingered typos. I hope you can make sense of my post

This is a board set up FOR neurodiverse people to talk in a safe environment with other ND people. Part of the reason for this is the numerous threads about how awful autistic partners are. It's not the place for a post like this.

Actually if you read the header it is not just for ND. It is for anyone who wants help with ND issues. I am not criticising my partner. I adore him. I am just feeling despondent and want to know if there is any hope for us going forward

@Gingerkittykat unless you want to ban ND+NT relationships surely you want NT to face a better understanding

It says be respectful. You’re being rather disrespectful if I’m honest

On this board you are going to get replies from ND people. You may find that you get more relevant advice from NT people who are in relationships with ND people. But they’re unlikely to see your post on this board.

@Dooglydog oh I really am not meaning to be

I am not criticising my partner.

Really? So I didn't just read all this?

Communication level on their terms or it stresses them. They don't answer messages or start messages. They need space apart when they need it regardless of my needs at the time. Do activities that they like because other places overwhelm or stress or bore them.

I'm feeling despondent. I feel like my needs will never be a priority ever. Ever.

If dating one of us is going to be unpleasant for you then don't. You deserve to be happy, but you can't be happy with someone who you, at some level, feel isn't treating you well. Whether their behaviour is intentional or not is irrelevant.

I've also said I adore him. I am wanting to know if given a set of circumstances where we both need prioritising, can I or any future dc ever come first. I'm not here to moan. I'm here to ask people who know better than me.

OK, ignoring the meta-discussion for a moment...

Part of the problem here is that you're assuming that he's not making any adjustments for you - because NT requirements are all you've ever known, and you (understandably) see them as the default setting, all you can see are the ways in which his needs are different and the ways you're bending to accommodate them.

I can almost guarantee that if you've got this far (I'm taking the "thinking about kids" bit as an indicator that this isn't a "we've only just met" situation), then you're not the only one making adjustments. If he's anything like me, he'll be rehearsing every conversation (and likely every possible branch of every conversation) for days before a date, checking and re-checking to make sure he can avoid boring you or heading off into a special interest info-dump. He's thinking about and rehearsing the facial expressions he has to make at every point in those conversations to ensure your comfort, he's preparing for each date by making sure that he's ready for the sensory input of being in a crowded/noisy place by arranging his schedule in the days leading up to it so that he's not already fried in order to make sure he doesn't have to leave early, he's clearing his schedule for the day or two after so that he can recover....etc etc. And, while you're on the date itself, he's not just talking to you - he's storing away every single expression you make, every reaction you have in order to review it later to compare against what he already knows about you so that he can further refine it for the next time, and incorporate more of your needs bit-by-bit.

Based on my experience, and that of the many autistic folk I've spoken to over the last few years, a single date for NT people involves a couple of hours of getting ready, and a few hours for the date itself. For autistic people, it often lasts for days either side of the date itself.

Point is...it really isn't as one-sided as it might appear at first glance - these are just a tiny bit of the unseen parts of being autistic that the NT world glosses over, and they take huge amounts of effort...and he's doing all this because he really, really likes you and he's just as invested in the relationship as you are. If he didn't do these things, it's reasonably likely that you'd have noticed by now (it's usually interpreted by NTs as not caring or being disinterested).

There's also the fact that, unless you've specifically discussed any particular needs of yours, he probably isn't even aware that there's an issue; explicit communication, not just relying on hints and assumptions of things that you think everybody should "just know", is required. And, if you think about it, it's far simpler for all concerned.

If you've read all this and you still think it's all about him and your needs are being ignored...then no, it's probably not a relationship worth pursuing for either of you.

I should add to all of that...this is not uncommon, and it's one of the reasons that autistic folk find it so hard to maintain relationships with NT partners - when we talk about all the things that are going on under the hood (as it were), it feels like we're being all "woe is me" and so we just...don't, and that leads to the impression we're just being selfish.

That, in turn, leads us to tend to flock together - intentionally or not, it's far more common than many would like to admit that in most relationships with an ND partner are actually relationships where both are ND, whether diagnosed or not. For example, I was diagnosed two years ago (and really knew about it for a couple of years before that), but it actually turns out that my other half is one of the squirrel gang as we like to call it (ADHD). We've been together for nearly 25 years, and we've only just figured that out. We're absolute opposites, but between us we fill in all the other's gaps and oddities.

Before that, it was hard - until, eventually, we learned to accept each other's idiosyncrasies and work with them rather than against them. It's something that only really comes with time, and the same works in NT-ND relationships; remember, you're as weird to him as he is to you, and you come with just as many requirements for accommodation as he does. It's just very difficult for you to see them, because "your kind" are all you've ever known - that's the real difference between you.

@ntmdino thank you. Thank you for verbalising what I need to know. I sort of do know but I need reminding and you have generously explained so well. I really appreciate this and this is exactly what I cane here for.

Please if you don't mind helping me further, how could things pan out if we have children. Children have immediate and urgent needs all the time. How can this work with someone who also has deep and immovable needs like my dp. When he can't take any more .... life, but there are dc to be cared for. What if I'm sick. What if I'm away. What happens if he has a need to withdraw or has a meltdown and we have dc? I know people do it successfully. Do you have advice or pearls of wisdom? Or do you just think dc is just not feasible?

OK, so...here's another thing: it's often said that (some) autistic folk are great in an emergency. You'd think that would be completely incompatible with the whole "deep and immovable needs" thing - like sensory issues etc.

It's actually not. These things can be deferred, to a certain extent; it's hard to explain, but speaking for myself...it's kind of like I can cut myself off from all of that, for a time, and focus exclusively on what's in front of me until the current urgent situation is resolved. Trouble is, there's a cost; that almost always results in a period of shutdown, although that can be avoided with a period of quiet time in a sensory-light environment.

So, that's what happens in an emergency - my other half knows that, and will generally let me deal with the immediate issue, and then give me time to recharge and recover by taking over afterwards.

Children are...a bit of an oddity. Not completely incompatible, but somewhat predictable even though they're a sensory nightmare (loud/smelly/dirty things :D ). We always handled them the same way as an emergency - I'd take care of the bigger anomalous stuff, and my partner would take most of the day-to-day stuff. Everything else would be planned ahead of time (even if it was just "If <this> happens, then <that> and we know it'll take <x hours> so we can prioritise and reschedule".

Our daughter's NT through-and-through - she's not biologically mine - but because she grew up with me, she has a lot of ND tendencies to the point where she can pass for NT or ND depending on the day. She always knew that I needed my own space, and that I was mostly crap at making up stories and play etc, but as parents we played to our strengths. So...I taught her gaming, technology and music, and built a strong love of sci-fi in her. She just learned to treat it as totally normal that she'd be able to pick the parent based on what she needed at the time.

I'm not sure if that helps, but in my eyes it's totally do-able; after all, we reproduce quite successfully, hence all the ND people in the world ;) We're not unable to adapt, we just have to adapt in different ways to you. The key is explicit communication, planning ahead and not making assumptions (or even challenging your assumptions) - or, more likely, being open to changing your mind on what "normal" represents, and maybe coming up with a new way to live life that neither of you have a template for.

It's worked for us, and after 25 years we're stronger than ever.

OK, so...here's another thing: it's often said that (some) autistic folk are great in an emergency. You'd think that would be completely incompatible with the whole "deep and immovable needs" thing - like sensory issues etc.

It's actually not. These things can be deferred, to a certain extent; it's hard to explain, but speaking for myself...it's kind of like I can cut myself off from all of that, for a time, and focus exclusively on what's in front of me until the current urgent situation is resolved. Trouble is, there's a cost; that almost always results in a period of shutdown, although that can be avoided with a period of quiet time in a sensory-light environment.

I remember a boy getting his shoelace stuck in an Asda entryway travelator comb and he was trying to pull it out. His stupid sheep parents were stood with vacant eyes and slack jaws watching him struggle whilst more and more of his lace got pulled in and people's trolleys were crashing into him.

I shouted at him to move right and put my trolley as left as I could to avoid hitting him. When I got to the end of the travelator, I walked down the side to the killswitch and stopped the travelator. Sheep are still vacantly watching. I walked back to him and pulled his lace out parallel to the travelator as he kept trying to pull upwards and said to him "next time, take your foot out of your shoe and get off the travelator" and pushed my trolley to my car.

Five minutes later, I had pulled over diagonally across three spaces on my way out of the car park and was shaking and screaming because suddenly my head had filled with graphic images of crushed fingers and exposed bones and blood all over the travelator.

The above being an example of me being rock-solid during an emergency because I just focused on solving the immediate problem, then having a once-a-decade severity meltdown as the gory "what might have been" caught up with me.

Thanks for sharing - it's always tough to think about these things for me because it's akin to reliving it, and I've actually had the memory send me into a shutdown before.

For the benefit of @joyfulnessss, deferring these things doesn't always happen in 10-20 minutes, sometimes the bill can take a few hours to come due, but (in my experience) it's always before the next day. And, sometimes, it can be days before I'm out of it.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia thank you. It helps me understand

Hello, I'm no expert, but from what I've seen over the years - a NT woman in a relationship with an autistic man is very difficult and challenging. I'm sure there are success stories, but generally I would advise against it. It seems like the NT woman ends up feeling very lonely and unfulfilled as a lot of her emotional needs and support are not met by her partner - either because he is unaware, or even if he is aware he's not capable of that level of responsiveness. And it comes across as her doing a lot of the work and adjustment over the years, especially once kids are involved. Which can lead to bitterness and resentment. Both partners will be unhappy and frustrated.

Autistic women can be fine in relationships with NT men, and two autistic people can also get along well. But I think NT women have a much easier time with NT men and it's probably best to avoid relationships with autistic men.

I'm sorry it might not be what you wanted to hear. I wish you well in your relationship and hope you find a solution to your problems.

You can't criticise or find fault with a ND person, even with examples: not allowed. Various posters have made that clear.

Calling panicked parents "sheep" is apparently fine though.🤔

Adoration isn't enough. If this relationship doesn't work for you it doesn't, simple as that I'm afraid.

They weren't panicking, they were stood there doing nothing whilst he tried to free himself. The facial expressions weren't horror or fear, but of boredom whilst they waited for him.

You weren't there so you don't get to judge me for reporting on what I saw, nor do you get to tell me that I saw something different from what I did see.

@joyfulnessss did things progress with your partner in the end?

I'm also dating someone who is ND but we are older so no kids expected (I have my own).

Im also looking to try and understand my partner more. The threads scattered around outside this forum seem to be very negative/LTB types. If this isn't the right place and anyone can offer advice on the occasional ND type perspective, id be really grateful if they could PM me

Not really any further along. But I think it's not going to work out long term.
I have read in many forums that sometimes the ASD man seems to lose interest. But it's not that he loses interest but you become a regular fixture so he no longer focuses on you. I feel like this has happened. He says he's happy and content but I feel like I've become just one of the things in his life.
He still doesn't instigate texts and he still replies randomly. I do understand that this is typical but I had hoped that after this king he would find it easier and not something difficult to do

When together he is just lovely. Really funny and attentive. But when we are apart it's not great

@joyfulnessss I guess you need to think carefully before having children as I think that tends to be the tie in. It's tough I know especially if you really like the person. Mine is similar, completely lovely when together, better than anyone ive been with. But when we don't see each other, I guess I wonder whether I'm on his mind at all!

I've found it useful to lay out my expectations of regular comms etc, nothing heavy but things I want in a relationship. At least then the other person has the option to say its not for them and walk away.

@Ppetunia

But when we don't see each other, I guess I wonder whether I'm on his mind at all!
Yes!!! This is what I experience also. Does he even think about me when we are apart?

Even if I'm going through something tough in life and he knows, it's rare that he will check in. He says he assumes I'll contact him if I heed him. So hard

@woahhhh I think the approach is being direct and potentially pushy. This doesn't always come naturally to me. It does feel sometimes that I'm the one pushing to meet or I fit into their lives. You feel a bit despondent as a result.