Does anyone else resent the fact they had twins?

[groovychick2]

I feel really awful admitting this but I sometimes wish I had only had one. I know how lucky I am. It took me 4 years to get pregnant and after a stressful pregnancy I have two beautiful intelligent handsome boys. Its just that sometimes when the going gets tough I think how much easier it would have been and how I had no choice in the matter. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

[Dropdeadfred]

I have a friend that wavers between feeling blessed and cursed...I think it is soooo hard when they are little but should reap the rewards later when they can occupy each other ...I really think you are just being brave and honest, not horrible.

[coochybottom]

I feel like that sometimes too!

[yeahyeah]

Of course..it's not a real wish, it's just a vague thought of how good other people must have it when it's really hard! It is f'ing hard sometimes...so full on. I feel like sometimes I don't get to savour the really wonderful bits because it's always so busy, and then I actually forget how to relax. How old are they? Mine are 3 and still wearing me out! But then only a year until school...best thing to do is go in and look at them while they're sleeping, fills you up with all those warm feelings again!

two boys too...I have one boy and god does he wind me up, the mess he makes...

[bellabelly]

Oh god yes, often but then they will do something so cute and lovely it makes me feel sorry for people who only have one! Things i resent / feel sad about are silly things like never being able to take them swimming (unless DH or someone else is with me) at least until they are older, never being able to truly relax during mums' coffee mornings (so much easier if you only have one child to keep an eye on!), having to leave shops cos I can't fit double buggy down the aisle, etc etc. Nothing major but it gets bloody wearing after a while. I just repeat my mantra of "it WILL get easier"!!!

[duckyfuzz]

oh yes I do at times - I'd love to know what its like to just have had one to feed and now they're older to be able to spend time on my own with one without the other always being there (or wanting to be). The plus side is that they play with each other, make each other laugh and are really the best of friends, they genuinely like each other and its so lovely to see that I am more often glad I had twins than not, but yes, I do understand how you feel

[coochybottom]

My boys are 6 and I still feel this way sometimes.It is easier during the holidays etc as they always have a companion but they are so competitive it does my head in! I think if they were different ages they would be easier to manage.

[kateri]

I know I had this vision of having one little baby tucked in a sling all the time, and having this one-on-one obsessive bond, and there are times when I'm sorry I missed out on that. And when they're playing take-it-in-turn-to-sleep I think that at least with one, it has to give you a break SOMETIME, as it can't play that game.

Sure, mostly I feel totally lucky, and I wouldn't change it for anything. But of course there are things I'm jealous of singletom mothers about.

[TsarChasm]

I used to resent the fact that there never seemed to be enough time to enjoy them as babies, as there was so much to get through.

Also that the enjoyable bits were usually experienced by someone else. If I did get any help I'd stay in 'so I can get things done', then hear about lovely days out with them with their grandma. I felt like Cinderella

But no, I don't resent having them. I adore them. And now they are older it's so wonderful so it does get a bit easier. You won't regret it in the long run and you'll get twice the joy back, but yes it's so so hard at the start.

Be kind to yourself. Try and carve out some time just for you and and some to enjoy them. This isn't a luxury it's essential. Don't get too bogged down under the chores (I did).

I used to think if I can just finish this or that, but honestly the list never gets done and all the time they are growing.

[yeahyeah]

yes yes yes about swimming guilt and the single baby in a sling fantasy! And about how you get left 'to get things done'...

but really we know how lucky we are...and when they are older they play for hours together, and that has got to be so much easier in a way. Also whenever I just have time alone with one (nearly never) I really do start to miss the other one, and the fact that we are always a little family...even when it's just the three of us, makes things more interesting.

[Idobelieveinfairies]

Only when i need to do some serious shopping in town and used to see the single prams fitting swiftly into here there and everywhere! I know they are a lot thinner compared to years ago but when you have toddlers hanging on either side things can get a bit troublesome!

Now they are older (nearly 4) they are too heavy for a double but it also means one is always walking!

But i do feel very special having twins and then even more to have been lucky enough to have 2 sets!

[trioand3]

I had to push a triple buggy around i look at twin mums with envy I just need to grow one more arm and everything will be fine[

[Leoloopydoo]

Intensity of relationship I had with DS1 I don't have wiht the DTs.
Feeling sorry for ds1 that its them and him.
Not understanding poeple (and even feeling angry) when they say they wish they had twins....!

But its also something very special and unique and I feel proud that I was 'chosen' to have them.

[ChopsTheDuck]

ooh I get cross when people say 'oh aren't you lucky, I always wanted twins, etc, ect' too. I offer mine, but they back away fast!

I enjoy mine a lot more now we don't have buggys and endless nappys. When it comes to shopping trips or trips to the park where they are tearing chunks out of each other, or sitting on someone elses toddler I do wonder, why me?! I wasn't planning even ONE baby let alone TWO!

I really don't buy that rubbish about entertaining each other neither. dd and ds1 entertain each other - there is two years between them. ds1 idolises dd and will do whatever she tells him.

dt1 cant stand dt2, who is a menace. dt2 dotes on dt1 except when he has anything that he wants, which is most of the time. They are same sex, same age, they want the same things all of the time! They fight over everything, even praise and pants. They are insanely jealous of each other. And if they do 'play' together it normally involves a criminal masterplan for destruction and mayhem.

[coochybottom]

OH leoloopy&Chops I am so with you on this.That is exactly how I feel! I feel for my ds1 too as he is often ganged up on by the dts.The entertaining each other is a myth in my experience too. More like beating each other up when it all gets out of hand. There is no heirachy with twins. Each of them in my experience is fighting to be top dog. No matter how fair you try to be its never good enough! Good to feel I am not alone!

[Leoloopydoo]

That's the way its going with us Chops. They fight over the same things. DS1 ususally joins in as well and wants whatever the dt has that the other dt wants!

I had a conversation with my cousins wife not long ago (at the time her ds was 4months old).

She said - 'I want to get a double buggy so my friend and I can look after each others babies and have shopping/gym time alone'.

Me - 'oh great idea to help each other out, but why do you need a buggy?'

she - 'well its so much easier to keep them calm when you take them for a walk in the buggy, its not easy if 2 babies cry at the same time, you can't comfort them both at once'

Me (jokily) - 'oh? what's the problem? That's what I have to deal with all the time!'

She - 'Well twins get used to waiting don't they'

Me very, very puzzled and had to think about.

The reality -)! Its me that has had to get used to hearing one baby crying while I comfort the other, or pick both up to comfort at the same time, which has completely buggered up my shoulders, elbows, back.... (and which they actually hate, get even madder and start hitting each other until I give in and put one of them down... how do I chose which one to put down? guilt creeps in and worry that the put down one feels excluded and less loved....!

Now, who was it that said they always wanted to have twins?

[coochybottom]

Another Mum at the school who had just had her second child[2yr gap] once said to me,"oh its a nightmare, I have to buy 2 lots of nappies now!".So did she think my boys had been sharing theirs for 2 years then!

[glamourbadger]

Hi groovychick, I admire your honesty. I think most of us feel like this but never actually come out and say it. I completely strung myself out for the first year, wishing I had a singleton - I envied the mums that could just nip out for a coffee and really resented some of my friends. That's crazy hormones for you!

Mine are now 2 and a half and I am really pleased I had two at once. I have a ready-made family and don't have to go through another pregnancy, or nappies, or teething or night feeds. A lot of the friends I envied now have a baby and a toddler which is hard work, I feel like I got all the hard graft out of the way in one go!

Mine do entertain themselves to an extent, they are currently downstairs hitting each other over the head with a Buzz Lightyear while I steal a sneaky look on Mumsnet .

[coochybottom]

[hattyyellow]

"I feel like sometimes I don't get to savour the really wonderful bits because it's always so busy, and then I actually forget how to relax".

Couldn't have put it better yeahyeah - I feel like I'm still permanently on a treadmill of trying to get things done, trying to give both my twins attention and desperately live for the moment rather than always thinking ahead.

It's such a big event getting two toddlers in the car, out of the car, stopping them running off whilst I'm trying to do some simple errand at the post office that I normally just don't take them. Do something like that with one and you do feel jealous of people with one toddler - its a breeze! One hand free to carry things, easy to leave somewhere quickly if they make a scene - going for a quick coffee is blissful without struggling to stop two fighting over sits on your knee/sits on what seat/has the green straw.

I do love my girls to bits and I accept that they're twins because I hate the thought of not having one of them. I'm pregnant with a singleton and I'm actually a bit worried that either I'll have this amazing one to one bond that will somehow blow all previous feelings of bonding out of the water and will feel awful about not having the same closeness to my girls - or that none of the 3 will get a look in and I'll be gibbering in a corner .

What I've found hugely refreshing in the last few months is us taking one each a lot more of the time.

I'm clocking up chances to enjoy them every weekend at the moment, they fight less and I feel I have two daughters rather than sometimes this "mass of children" who are always both trying to talk to me at once. In fact its been the single best way for us to really deal with the often difficult situation of having twins. It means less time off for us separately as adults, but a coffee/stroll/trip to the shops with one is fun because its a novelty and I come back feeling refreshed.

Now they're 3 they're also happier to play in different bits of the house so I'll steal a quick cuddle/story/chat with one whilst I know the other one is blissfully happy reading/pulling things out of cupboards upstairs/watching a favourite programme etc.

When they were tiny babies I think I did resent having twins. If anyone dared say anything negative about having twins I would jump down their throats because these were my darling babies - but in the middle of the night, it was hard to keep thinking of positive things about having two at once.

I always feel better by looking at friends who have a baby and toddler and are struggling with issues of having children of different ages. We always wanted more than one child, so I guess ideally we would have had a small gap between babies 1 and 2 and probably a whole different host of problems to deal with.

[coochybottom]

"I accept they are twins because I hate the thought of not having one of them" I like that. I will think of that the next time I am having a bad day with my DTs.

[bedfordgirl]

Totally agree about the swimming thing. I get v.jealous when my antenatal group all meet for swimming and we can't go. Have to wait for w/e (busiest & noisiest time) so my husband can help me. Also, the 'tag team' sleeping thing is soooooo annoying! Do they decide that morning that they're going to totally screw up your day by not sleeping at the same time? Singleton parents have no idea how exhausting this is. The number of times I've emptied the washing machine in the morning and still haven't hung the washing out by the time my DH gets home from work!
On the plus side, it's so lovely to hear them giggling together & 'chatting' to each other in their cots in the mornings. Plus we get lots of lovely comments when we're out & about that makes me feel v.special.
I'm sure once they're crawling I'll want to give them away, but at the moment...

[Rollmops]

Resent - gosh, I keep wondering how on earth did I get so lucky! And I was a pretty baby-phobic to start with as thought they will interfere with my jetting around. They have, in fact, they have put a full stop to it:-)
Hand on heart, not once have I felt resentful or regretted the fact that I have my boys. They are the absolute center of our world and are such amazing babies.
Blessed indeed!

[coochybottom]

I didnt find my boys such hard work until they were 2.5+yrs old when they suddenly became a real handful to say the least. I also think feelings may vary if you have other children already when they come along. 2 babies arriving at once is a big deal for anyone to have to adjust to and if you have a child already it changes the dynamics big time!!

[ChopsTheDuck]

the swimming thing I don't find hard. If you put armbands on them, they can't get into trouble. I love swimming with mine, and it wears them out so they are happy to veg out in front of the tv for a bit when we get home.

[ChopsTheDuck]

though, of course, they have to be walking. I ddin't start until mine were 2.