Restful :(

[spearmintdreams]

I feel like a really bad mum this week. I feel like running away and I shouted at my beautiful babies.

Dts are 6 and sometimes I feel resentful there are 2 at once. My parents didn't help with childcare when they were little so it meant stepping out of the workforce.

Additionally, lockdown happened which has increased resentfulness - with everyone really. I felt abandoned and I can't get past this feeling - although I can rationalise it.

I see friends and family with one baby and I'm jealous. It doesn't impact their lives as much.

People don't understand how hard it is and especially now that women have to work because of cost of living.

Completely understand where you are coming from. Have you got any friends with twins? The support I get from other twin mums is invaluable, they are the only ones who truly understand

I have but they are generally well off and cushioned from the mostly financial impacts.

The only thing I can think of doing is writing to my MP regarding the subject.

Unless you would have only ever had one child the cost of twins isn’t that much worse. Yes it feels worse when they’re little but it all evens out and you get it out of the way and they’re in school “quicker” than if one is two years younger. I do get that lockdown with two year old twins would be hellish though, although not necessarily any worse than a newborn and a two year old or a two and four year old.

Btw I shouted at my kids a lot when they were young. I do feel awful about it but they’ve turned out ok thankfully.

I think you're being angry at the wrong thing here. Your parents aren't obligated to help you. Sure, it would have been nice if they had, but many GPS don't want to take on regular childcare.

You had 7 months or so to discuss childcare with your h and decide what would happen when you knew you were having twins - were you both happy with this?

I suggest you join TAMBA - they provide great support.

You might also find counselling helpful.

Re rejoining the workforce, perhaps you feel your family is complete now? If so, at least you got all the early years over in one go!

Indeed, five years or less later and they’re both in school and life improves.

Plus, many women have to go back to work after one baby. And one high-needs baby can disrupt your life as much as twins.

How is everything else in your life? How are things with your h?

Have you got twins?

I find your tamba comment interesting.

You feel like a bad parent because you shouted at your 6 year old twins? . you should probably be proud of yourself that it took 6 years to shout!

How old are your twins?

Hey OP.

Ours are just turned 4, so not at school yet. Didn't go to nursery until they were 2. Were born 6 weeks prior to first lockdown, so I spent 18mths like a prisoner with no one able to help me. Plus their elder sibling with ADHD to boot.

I don't feel resentful of those with just one. I only feel cross when someone without twins, tries to make out it's just as hard because they've got "two under 5". Please fuck off. And also fuck off with the "oh, what if one is high needs" because clearly I don't mean that. Which you know.

I've had no family help either and this is allllll the difference. My mother hasn't even had them for one afternoon. They start school in September. We pay for babysitters. DH is out of the house long work hours. I have not had a "day off" since 2019. My aunt and uncle have my cousin's two children overnight in the week, most weekends they will take them somewhere like the zoo, and I fucking despair when my cousins have actually looked after their own children for less than half the week and whine they are tired. That's where I think your resentment comes from. It's where mine does. I'm exhausted because everyone else's parents seem to have their GC a couple of days to save on nursery, or want the GC to stay over, or want to help with school run. Mine have done nothing. Absolutely nothing, not even an afternoon in the last 4 years. I didn't expect the world. I didn't expect nothing, ever. They live ten minutes away and are both retired.

People don't get it. At all. Until you have twins, nothing can prepare you for it. Most people will complain about the exhaustion in the newborn stage, and that's fine, but can you imagine if you told them "here's a second newborn, you've got that 24hrs a day simultaneously with the one you've already got" they just can't comprehend how that's possible. And I should add, mum's of triplets or more are superhuman, I can not even fathom how they do it. They should be awarded an MBE in the birthing suite

Don't be resentful, with yours being 6, you'll know twins are awesome and exasperating in equal measure. Don't forget the awesome part.

@Headingforburnout not true. 2 car seats, 2 cots, 2 high chairs, a double buggy etc, 2 lots of clothes, shoes. People without twins do hand me downs.

most people also don’t just have the spare cash to fund 2 x nursery places at the same time.

Quite.

People without twins but want to tell people with them how it's no different to a two year old and a four year old (usually because it's what they have, and they like to feel superior because they can manage their far easier situation) are so unbelievably clueless.

So true... it drives me insane how people compare having 2 children under 2 to having twins. With 2 children you don't go through all the same stages at the same time. You don't have 2 x newborns or 2 x teething babies or 2 x sleep regressions or 2 x toddlers whom run in opposite directions etc etc.

Also don't have the same expenses at the same time. Double of everything at the same time. They also miss out due to this. My eldest daughter did swimming lessons, lots of baby groups etc etc. I can't afford to pay for double of all of these so the twins don't do it

Precisely this. It's even down to the logistics of every tiny thing. Mine don't have swimming lessons because it's one adult: one child ratio and I can't be the adult in the water simultaneously for both of them.

I remember when I put DTwins in reins, and eldest DS was cringing "omg mum, you look like you're walking two dogs,"..."thanks for that DS, it's to stop them both running off" ..."can't you even run fast enough not to have them on a lead?".... "Why yes, DS, except it doesn't matter how fast I am, I can not run in two directions at the same time."

Is your baby waking you every three hours? While your two year old sleeps through? Super. My babies wake up every 3 hours too, but not on the same schedule. So the one that wakes at 1am, that's fed, and changed and back down, settled for 1.30am, I then hopefully fall asleep by 1.45am and boom, 45 minutes later 2.30am, here's twin 2, fed changed and asleep by 3. Me by 3.15....oh, hello twin 1 at 4am.

My particular favourite is 2x vaccinations. That's a both of you take the day off work job.

The only saving grace to the bunch with their "2 under 2" nonsense, is that until you experience it, the extra stuff we have to do/stuff we can't even attempt, isn't instantly obvious, so whilst they're clueless, it's not intentional. Some people genuinely don't process any further than, "twins, so that's basically just a double buggy instead then"

16!

I do get that but small age gaps also means two cots you can’t just turf a one year old out of the cot when the next baby comes along.

I remember taking mine for their vaccinations when they were little and I was on my own. I also had my older child with me who was still very young and in the buggy (one twin in sling). I’m not saying it was fun but it wasn’t that difficult. The night wakings were shit yes! And the older one did still wake up as well as the babies.

The obvious thing you’ve missed is choice.

You choose a small age gap, even if unplanned.

You don’t choose twins.

And I don’t even have twins! But this thread had me quite shocked at the lack of support. It’s obvious twins are really tough going especially without any help.

I have a small age gap AND twins. I was just trying to say that all in all having twins instead of two children close together doesn’t have to be way more expensive in the long run.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn I think you're right. My parents have no obligation to help and I have no obligation to see them.