Struggling with 5 year old twins

[BoyGirlTwinsMum]

I am really struggling with my 5 year old boy-girl twins and would love to hear advice/ reassurance from anyone who’s been in my boat!

They are just about to go into Year 1 and are very bright but their behaviour is really getting me down. As well as all the usual not getting dressed/ shoes on/ undressed for the bath, etc that would apply to most kids, they are just very naughty and because they are the same age and the same level of maturity I find it makes it worse as they each find the other one hilarious when they are doing something silly/ saying something rude.

Examples are:

• constant potty talk. I realise this is common at their age but they are always doing it at inappropriate times, like at the dinner table. I’ve tried telling them off, explaining why it is rude and we don’t do it, but still it continues and as soon as one starts talking about poo the other one bursts out laughing. They have recently learned some new words like ‘fart’ from school and keep saying them no matter how much I tell them off and protest.
  

• Meal times in general. As well as the potty talk they will do silly things like drop food into their drinks or play with food. The other one will think it hilarious and it’ll end with me threatening to confiscate things/ ban tv (I do follow through too) and generally getting a bit annoyed and fed up and them both laughing. I honestly feel ganged up on and close to tears sometimes (DH isn’t usually home at their meal times).
  

• Lots of showing each other their genitals and talking about them, etc. I’m sure this happens less with siblings who are same sex/ different ages?
  

• Being disrespectful to adults, ie climbing all over them, calling them poo-head, etc. Being told off seems to make no difference. Recently, a friend of DH’s was recently telling some other friends how naughty they are.
  

As you can see I’m really struggling with disciplining them and feel that them being twins and the same age exacerbates their behaviour. I’ve tried reward systems but it got to the point where if I asked them to do something they would ask ‘what will I get?’ and I don’t want them to only do things when there is something in it for them.

But I just end up with sanctions instead (confiscating toys/ no tv) but it doesn’t seem to curb the behaviour in the long run.

At school they appear to be well-behaved! One even got a head teachers’ award for impeccable behaviour! When I have them on their own (rare) they are so easy, it’s just when they are together.

Any help/ advice appreciated as I am struggling so much.

[RubySlippers77]

Oh, and today I screeched at the DTs because I was so bloody fed up of their constant squabbling, scratching and biting, then ran away and locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes whilst they howled. Not a nice thing to do and not a nice memory but seriously, I just can't cope with them being horrible day in, day out. My friends with just one DC tell me about a 'relaxing afternoon' they've had with theirs and my face is

[RubySlippers77]

I really struggle with playtime management Wordy. They are just so awful together that games, toys, colouring etc are incredibly hard work and don't distract them for long. They will be squabbling within ten minutes even if given separate things to do in different rooms.

Outside is better but they will still fight over whose turn it is to sit in the swing. get pushed first, go down the slide first, etc etc.....

Dreading winter as we usually do a lot of local park trips to keep them busy and tire them out, but when it's very cold and/ or wet it's not really an option. Everything indoors seems to be very expensive with twins and takes about 100x more effort than taking only one child.

I am so, so tired and fed up and in need of a good (child free) rest! I nearly walked out on the lot of them tonight - the horrible squabbling DTs who were messing around rather than go to bed, and 'D'P who is constantly having a go at me about my weight (he is 22 stone!) and can't be bothered with the DTs a lot of the time. Really sick to death of being a twin mum at the moment - please tell me it gets easier?!

[Wordy15]

My boys are 3.5 and yep, it's tantrums about who goes in which car seat!!
We have had success with the 1-2-3 method (if they ignore a couple of requests to do something explain you are going to count to 3 and then if they don't do it by 3, you'll (insert taking toy away, no tv etc).
Watching this thread with interest as if I have to discipline in a dangerous situation then the firmer my voice, the more they find it hysterical!

I feel like I'm really struggling to get any quality 'play' time with either due to fighting over toys, taking turns or they want to do 2 different things at once. Does anyone else struggle with this playtime management?
We cook, play outside and sing together alot which is great and I manage some chasing and hide n seek etc but playing one on one with their toys with them - rarely! Then I have the constant guilt of not playing with them 'properly'. Silly guilt I know...
I completely relate OP to feeling outnumbered sometimes and getting your voice heard over the chorus of two.

[RubySlippers77]

Between 4 and 8 Minxmumma? That means I may have worse to come

Both of my DTs would happily help with chores but together they just squabble load the washing machine? Yes, but let's fight over who presses the button. Empty the dishwasher? Fine, but we're going to snap and screech at each other. Take part in cooking? Love to, but we're going to compete to pull each other off chairs and then sob when we bump heads...

Yep, it's been a tough day, can you tell?! Just one long relentless slog still for me, every day I try to count my blessings and enjoy it even a little bit, and every day I still end up bellowing at them for something or another (usually when one of them launches at the other to bite them hard!). DTS2 was off preschool with a cold and it was in fact lovely to have only one child to deal with; gosh it's easy! I would never, ever choose to have twins again

[Minxmumma]

My boy / girl twins are now 16 and make me proud every day but between 4 and 8 they drove me to distraction quite often. As my Mum said and still does often 'this to shall pass'

Divide and conquer when possible. Keep them busy and wear them out. Do they participate in helping with simple chores?

Be consistent, reward good behaviour, and maybe limit the sanctions. If you sanction too often it just loses it's meaning. When mine played with their dinner or were revolting with food I just took it away. One warning was enough after a couple of times. Playground talk is usual and best ignored - a simple that's charming and conversation change works. The more is aggravates you the more they'll do it - from their point of view it's quite funny and almost a private joke between the two of them.

As much as they bounce off each other now, later on that will form a deep seated bond that is unshakable.

[RubySlippers77]

I do hope mine continue to be very active Happy!! I took them out for 3 hours this afternoon - park, walk, another park - and they were shattered by the time they got home. However they were still nightmares at bedtime

We're away this weekend and will work on the bedtime routine when we return. I wish we had a big enough house for them to have separate bedrooms - I think it would help a lot if they didn't have each other to bounce off and get silly, as OP described in her post!

[Happyandshiney]

Ruby it’s a hard age, it sounds like you are doing the right things. I found getting them out and proving kits and lots of exercise every day made a huge difference to behaviour.

It has to be said even at ten yo they do a lot of exercise now out of choice!

[Newbabies15]

When I feel like nothing I do works - I sometimes just give up. Stop telling them not to squabble etc. See where that goes. I find it works for me. In every aspect of life actually.

[RubySlippers77]

I'll try Happy, even if I really feel like walking away and leaving them to it sometimes!!

Months and months of squabbling, of having to physically pull them apart when they bite and scratch at each other, of things being about 100x more difficult than for parents of single children have all ground me down... I've had such a crap year health-wise too, never get a proper rest to recover and hence can be short-tempered myself. It is just really, really hard at the moment

[Happyandshiney]

Hang on in there Ruby!!

Put in the work now, even though it feels like it doesn’t make any difference and it will pay off in the end.

At 3 years old my two were adorable but very difficult. I would never have believed that they would turn out to be so beautifully behaved a few years later.

Consistency, consistency, consistency.

[RubySlippers77]

Thank goodness there is hope Happy!! The toddler years are tough anyway but when my two play off each other there is no hope of sanity..... they just wind each other up and up. I am currently putting a new bedtime plan in place as they are unbearably awful and I often end up shouting at them as I'm so fed up!

When we do get one on one time they are lovely and respond really well. Often though there's no chance to do it especially with DP working during the week and being lazy at the weekends

I always thought I wanted three DC. Really not so sure now, don't think I could go through this again!

[Fernicktylo]

I totally get the feeling you describe. once my twins (+ close in age sibling) start getting silly and hysterical there is nothing I can do to stop it. they are 12 now and it rarely happens anymore but is still the same when it happens.

so in hindsight I would say the ages 5/6 were the worst and is definitely gets better with age.
I would also just walk away as much as possible and allow them to calm down as they are completely in their own bubble of hysteria and getting cross of trying to reason is pointless.

[Happyandshiney]

I have ten year old twins. They are beautifully behaved now (just to give everyone hope!) but we have some testing times when they were little.

Twins give each other lots of positive feedback on bad behaviour so our method was to remove the offending child from the situation into a separate room if possible or just into a corner out of sight line of their twin for a telling off.

I always focused on specifying the unacceptable behaviour. Explaining exactly why it was unacceptable and reiterating what behaviour I expected on returning to the group and getting the child’s agreement to it.

There’s other simple things you can do. If they drop stuff in their drink, remove it from the table.

If they don’t behave well at the table then there’s consequence eg having to load the dishwasher/clean up. Lots of praise for good behaviour.

Out of all your list the thing I’d really focus on is their behaviour to adults. That’s not acceptable. They need to know it’s not cute, that it’s rude and that adults don’t like it.

If they can’t behave well then again take them out of the room/to the side to deal with the behaviour.

Remember eye contact, low very firm voice, no shouting. Be very clear about what is unacceptable and consequences.

It’s just about being firm, consistent and never ever giving in.

[Jumperooh]

I find any one-to-one time that I can give my 2.5 year old b/g twins results in easier behaviour. Getting individual attention even for five minutes makes them more chilled.

It is very tricky to do it, especially during the week when DH is not around much, but it’s worth it. They are now used to the idea that they will get a turn each of one-to-one time with mummy and they mostly wait their turn. Best to stick them in front of the TV though just to be sure

[RubySlippers77]

OP, my DTs have shredded every last one of my nerves today. They are currently hideously overtired, screeching at me and each other, and I can't tidy up/ cook/ move without them squabbling and generally making me think longingly of pre-children days. I feel your pain!!

[RubySlippers77]

And about 2 hours is my limit for having them in the house before they start climbing the walls with boredom/ frustrated energy - again, DP doesn't get this as he's too lazy bad at reading the pre-bad behaviour signs. No idea how we will cope with the winter months when it's dark by 5

To a PP who said their twins are fine when apart; mine too! So enjoyable. Makes me realise why some friends love being parents when I just find it a long, relentless, incredibly tiring slog!

[RubySlippers77]

LOL - thanks Cornwall - glad it's not just me!! 10am is my deadline too as the DTs are usually up and about by 8am latest. DP wants to enjoy a lie in and a lazy morning as per pre children days... in 3 years it still hasn't clicked that that isn't going to happen...

[Cornwall73]

It’s taken me five years to drum this into DH. If we don’t have a plan and are out by 10am everyday even if it is to go to the shop and back chaos descends!

[RubySlippers77]

Oh gosh. My twins (boys) are almost 3 and currently monumentally hard work - I was really hoping it got easier!

Their behaviour caused a massive row between me and DP this morning - he just does not get that they can't stay in the house for more than an hour or two without starting to wind each other up and then scratching, biting, hitting - we do of course deal with that but I've tried to explain to him that it's easier to get them out of the house before that point, fresh air and exercise make them far nicer children. He doesn't seem to understand that they are constantly in competition for attention and would do anything to get it...

Sorry everyone is also having a hard time. Twins are a whole new level of hard work!!

[Etino]

They sound fun! sorry if that’s not helpful
As with all ‘DC training’ I’d advise picking your battles. So ignore potty talk but come down hard on ‘show me yours’ behaviour. Explain the NSPCC pants rule and explain that it includes twins. They are close but they are not that close!
And be proactive. The mucking about with food and fart talk could just be an attention getting strategy. If they’re busy answering your questions about their day or putting their favourite Marvel characters in order they’ll not have headspace for such nonsense.

[Cornwall73]

She got her comeuppance yesterday though. DS asked for a lollipop and I said I’d take him to buy one as he had been so good all week. She stayed at home with DH raging because this little outing and treat was not extended to her.

[Cornwall73]

Yes of course, I very much ignore bad behaviour and concentrate my attention on her twin but she wants a reaction so she then does something such as hit her brother or stand in front of the tv or wrap herself around your feet that you cannot ignore. We give her time out but she will not stay there.

Thing is DD is always pitching for a sanction due to being naughty so she can kick up a tantrum. They are monumental meltdowns which are very difficult to deal with. We have at least two a day if not more. None at school of course. Problem is that most of the time there is just one adult looking after the two of them so if she kicks off and is therefore stopped form going to the park for example this affects her brother too. She loves doing stuff that will have a negative impact on him.

[Newbabies15]

Have you tried ignoring their bad behaviour?

[Cornwall73]

Wierd sentiment but glad that we are not alone! It is really affecting my mental health though. I feel I am on the verge of a breakdown or bursting into tears on a daily basis. DD’s behaviour and sleep (but she has always been a bad sleeper) have been bad since finishing nursery in mid August. Now she has started school she is off the scale being over tired, aggressive, verbally abusive and an overall a pain in the neck. She is still up, three hours after her bedtime screaming the place down. I cannot cope.

[Didiplanthis]

My DTs are 6 and do EVERYTHING you all mention. We have a story Rota and a going out the door to the car Rota - we have even at one stage had a weeing before school rota to avoid pushing and wee all over shoes/clothes each other. Sigh.... at least its not just us then !!