My new partner is a Muslim, I am c of e, can it work?

[FeelingOld]

We have been seeing each other for 8 months now (although spending this month apart cos its Ramadan ) and things are going brilliantly. He is a lovely lovely man and he treats me and my children very well and we are just having a fantastic time.
He would like me to go to Bangladesh with him next year to meet his family and he says he is ready to settle down BUT my only concern is that i know he would ideally like to be with someone who would convert to being a muslim and i dont think that that is something i am prepared to do. Having said that i am fully prepared to adapt my life (to some extents I have already) and respect his beliefs, but just dont think i can convert but that doesnt mean I am not prepared lead a lifestyle that incorporates all of the things that are important to him.

So i suppose i just want to ask if anyone else has done anything similar or if you have converted.

[fuzzywuzzy]

If you do decide to make a go of it. Definitely clarify with him that you are not ever going to change your religion for him.

Only because you say you know he would like you to convert, and you dont want to. Dont let him think you will otherwise it will cause rifts in your relationship. Basically he marries you religion and all.

I'd also double check his visa status, dont touch him with a barge pole if he is not a british resident.

How much money does he send home each month, be prepared for that amount to remain consistent or go up (if you work too), they never stop that but it should not be to the detriment of you and your household.

On the upside your inlaws will be thousands of miles away

[saramoon]

Yes, tryharder, you are quite right about the compromise and bite your tongue. I love my husband very much but it has taken time to settle down and accept things rather than argue about them. Not even religious stuff but yes cultural things like time management (at times practically non-exsistent) But it works as we meet in the middle and i am now more relaxed about everything. I guess he is not really strict, i mean he prays and does ramadan but does smoke and drink occassionally and comes from a fantastically relaxed family background.
I am lucky in that he has always helped out in his own family home back in Africa and he is brilliant here and will clean the house from top to bottom. It was never a visa thing - he would love for us to go and live in Africa but there is no chance of that! He has some family here too and sees them alot. I have learnt the language although by no means fluent and it is great for our dds as they will hopefully be biligual which, i believe as a language teacher is such an asset. I never imagined i would be married to a man who was a diff religion etc etc but we fell in love and i have never for a moment regretted it.
As for the visa thing, yes be wary, i see quite a lot of it in my job as a language teacher and some guys will do anything to get a passport - although these days it is not that easy and just cos you are married to a British woman it doesnt mean you will get a passport. Like I said before if you both really want to be together it is all about compromise and respecting the other person in the relationship. If you don't feel comfortable with looking into Islam ( i did look into it but just didn't feel comfortable with some of it plus i am not v religious anyway) and converting then don't, it is your choice.

[2littleterrors]

It can work, my dh is muslim and i am hindu. We're both not that religious, but have a huge respect for each others faiths. We have 2 dc, who respect and learn about both religions. We've been togethor 15 years. The key to our marriage being succesful i think is :- 1) Respecting each other and respecting each others religion ie, dressing appropriately and learning about the religion.
2) Communication from the beginning. Letting each other know what you are willing to give up and what you are not, in terms of religion and beliefs. E.g my ds was circumsized, and i was happy with that because that was agreed upon before we got married as it was very important to my dh.
3) This relationship is between you two and nobody else, let people say what they want to say about the relationship. But you don't need to follow their rules, as long as you and your dp are tight nothing can touch you.

[FeelingOld]

Thank you all for your comments, I have read them and re read them again.

I think its me who envisages that there may be problems ahead not my partner, so I just want to have thought about some of these things should problems arise.
I also think some of you misunderstood the bit about converting, he hasnt asked me to cos he knows I wouldnt, it was a converstion we had a long time ago when we were just friends and since getting together I have made it clear to him and he fully respects and accepts that I will not change my mind. This does not mean however that I do not respect his religion and he will respect mine although I am not particularly religious, I am willing to adapt my lifestyle accordingly and in some ways already have.
When he is here (we live apart) he helps around the house and is happy to cook, clean, iron etc so I dont see that being a problem. He is also very open about how much he earns and how much he sends to his family.
He is 36 years old and his family just want him to find someone who he will be happy with, he has told them about me and he says they are happy for him and would like to meet me hence the plans for a trip to Bangladesh. My family like him and have no problem with me seeing him either.

I think as long as we go into this with our eyes wide open and there can be compromise on both sides and we are willing to work at it we can make it work, no relationship is straight forward I suppose.

[littleducks]

good luck!

[FeelingOld]

Thank you little ducks, have a lot to think about during ramadan.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

It could work - my DH is muslim but really doesn't care about me being non-religious and nor do his family. He's also not very strict (drinks etc) My concern is when you say you would be prepared to adapt your behaviour to make him comfortable. Yes there are sacrifices to make as with any marriage but are you being asked to change your dress, socialising habits etc? I think you would find that a bit oppressive - I know I would resent it.

[stitch]

if he is from bangladesh, and i am making some huge huge assumptions here, then he is more likely to be traditional, rather than religious, which can be a big problem.
however, as it has already been 8 months, and he wants to take you there, then it looks promising. expect to have separte rooms, for the time you are there. and expect to get aggro becaus eyou already have kids from a previous relationship. depending on how you deal with this as a couple, it may or may not work.
actually going there is a good idea. you will then know if it is make or break. iyswim

[UmSami]

FeelingOld, everything you've said sounds really positive...his family, and yours, seem open minded, you've known each other for a while as friends before anything else...and most importantly you're trying to do this with your eyes wide open!
I wish you the best of luck...keep us posted!

[FeelingOld]

UmSami - thank you for your positive comments. We are missing each other terribly, it will be 2 weeks tomorrow since we have seen each other and I think it has made us both realise how much we want to be together.

We have a lot of talking to do when ramadan is over.

[MrsThierryHenry]

Sorry, FeelingOld, I've only read a little bit of this thread - in case no-one's mentioned it before, there's a UK organisation to support people in relationships with diff religions (hmmm...that wasn't very eloquently put!). Not sure what it's called but you should find them in google.

Changing religion, as you've rightly said, is a HUGE deal, and particularly so if you're a westerner and will have to get used to some restricted freedoms from a different culture. I don't know how far these 'restrictions' will go - that depends on where on the continuum your partner's faith lies...presumably fairly liberal since he's dating a non-muslim. Even if his faith is liberal you'll find that there will be issues later on which become very problematic - especially if you have children together. At the same time there might be an opportunity for enriching your children's knowledge of the world if you are able to keep your own faith.

If I'm honest all the non-muslim women I know who've married muslim men have had to convert - none of them has been able to retain her own 'faith identity'. I don't know if it works the other way for non-muslim men marrying muslim women - is it a gender thing?

I think the best way you can work out what's best for all of you is if you talk to several people in the same situation - i.e. western, Christian women who've converted to Islam for their husbands.

Best of luck with this!

[FeelingOld]

Thanks MrsTH
It would be useful to speak to other people in the same situation but unfortunately dont know any.

Will try to google the organisation you have mentioned but if anyone knows what its called please let me know.

[MrsThierryHenry]

Voila!: www.mcmarriage.org.uk/

Good luck, FeelingOld. Wish I could give you more advice but hopefully these chaps will be a good source of support.

xxx

[DungunGirl]

Have read all the way through this thread and I am so pleased to read that you have had some really really good and honest advise.

I am married to a malaysian muslim man. He is very moderate, which makes life a lot easier. We have been married for 7 years and are very happy.
We have one child and one more on the way.

I converted to Islam as it was important for my DH and I whilst being Christian was not devout. When I look back I have no regrets. We are still deeply in love 7 years on, and I am very content. It is however true that it is NOT a must. Muslim men are allowed to marry 'women of the book religions - Christianity & Jewish' without the women having to convert.

I think that as long as you have done your homework about his culture ( like many ladies have pointed out ) then you should be fine. Islam itself is a wonderful religion when practised properly without the additions of culture!

However, as mentioned by some others, all children are expected to follow the fathers religion in islam. So this may extend to your 2 children if he officially adopts them.
Discuss this with him early on as it will only prove to cause problems if he decides to force it on them later.

One answer to some ladies asking about him converting to Christianity......well whether it sounds fair/just or not, unfortunately it is forbidden in Islam to convert to another religion once you are a muslim. I know many muslims just live their life as non-muslims if they really felt unhappy being a born muslim, but you will never catch someone not admitting to being muslim if they are - however bad a muslim they might be! I know many ladies will gasp at this - but it is as it is. It took me some time to accept that, but that is the sort of thing you have to accept with religion.

I wish you the very best - do your homework!

• watch and listen to the women in his family
• watch how his father is with the women in the home as this will give you a good indicator of years to come!
• watch how your partner is when put back in his home setting, does he expect the women to do everything?
• ask him loads of questions about Islam, try and get his take on issues in the religion that may concern you.

And lastly, after the trip, reflect reflect and reflect again. Have a heart to heart with him. Don;t hold back on any worries you may have!

I totally agree that as long as you know what you are commiting to, then you will have the confidence to decide whether to go ahead or not.

Big hugs and the best of luck! Oh, and happy ramadan!

[FeelingOld]

Dungungirl - Thank you for that, its good to hear the point of view of someone in a similar situation.

I do ask lots of questions and try to research as much as possible as I just want to know as much as possible about his religion and culture. We talk a lot.

Happy ramadan to you too, halfway through now, we just cant wait to see each other again, we are both missing each other very much, we talk and text every day but I do miss him but I respect that he needs to do this.

[candyfluff]

im an athiest and my husband is a non practicing bengali muslim we have 3 kids and have been married for 11 years so it can work .i will say though it has been harder than i think it would of been had i married and english man.

[UmSami]

FeelingOld how you doing? Less than a week of Ramadan left so I am sure you are looking forward to seeing your beloved...I hope you have a happy reunion and have used your time apart to get things ordered in your own head! Glad to see you've been continuing to get some good advice, I really agree with DungunGirl...
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you....and(slightly in advance!)...HAPPY EID!

[FeelingOld]

Hi UmSami

Thanks for your message.
It has been a very long month!! But I think actually it has made our relationship stronger and it has given us time to think about our relationship and how we want things to go.
We talk every day on the phone and we are missing each other terribly.

Will keep you posted as to how things go although wont see him til next week because he is away working til then .

[prettymum]

hiya, from what you have described about your relationshio so far, i think it will work out.

im bengali non muslim but my family are all muslim, and my dp is jamaican christian. unfortunately my family will not accept my dp as firstly dp is jamaican and then most importantly he is of course not muslim.

so i have cut off all ties with my family after them continuously demanding i convert him to islam although im not muslim myself and we change our lifestyles and conform to their ways.

with a lot of bengali families, they put their culture ahead of religion and are very stubburn and are very good at cutting off a member of the family if they decide to lead their lives differently.

but your dp's family seem very accepting i think you should meet his family and see how it goes, main thing is not to let anyone pressure you into anything, every family is different. good luck

[Hopesprings]

Please ignore anyone who says to you outright "it won't work" or, on the other hand, "you won't have any problems" because they clearly don't know what they're talking about! Every case is different.

I am a devout agnostic , married to a liberal but practising Muslim for the past 8 years. In our case, love conquered all, including a largely unsupportive reaction by his family to our getting married. The key for us was getting to know each other REALLY well before we got married - without his family's interference. Yes, in some ways you want to get to know the family, but we knew we had to have a strong bond before we went down that route. If on the other hand you have supportive families, great - you're halfway there. I can't say it's been easy - but we now have a great life together and 2 beautiful children. I've known mixed couples who've had much harder times than us and some who've had it much easier. Sadly I've also heard of many who've split up. I think compromise is key BUT don't try to change yourself too much because you won't be able to sustain it. Religion is as important as you (and your partner) choose to make it. Don't be fooled into thinking it's a deal-breaker if you don't share the same religious beliefs. Love is FAR more important. As long as you and your partner think in shades of grey rather than black and white you can make it work!
I wish you very good luck (and a Happy Eid!)

[UmSami]

Hey Feelingold, happy to see that you have things more sorted in your own mind now...hope things are going well for you!

[Flowertots]

Feelingold

I really feel for you but I strongly believe that if you are having doubts to the extent of where you need to ask an open forum for their opinion on YOUR relationship, then it will not work!!!

Unfortunately this is a delicate subject matter and as displayed by some of the responses there is a lot of ignorance out there and lack of experience about his kind of thing so if anything, some of the responses will do nothing but further confuse you.

Talking from ALOT of experience about this, there is nothing that you cannot overcome if you're with the right person. Someone's religion, colour of their skin etc is not a hurdle you cannot get over. I know more couples who follow the same belief system with broken families so the religion aspect should hold no bearing over whether this will be a success or not. If you both want it to work enough, it will and it's as simple as that. Voice your concerns to your partner, communication is the key here, don't bottle it up!!!

Best of luck