MIL speaking different language to baby

[BabyOrSanta]

I don't know if this is a MIL problem or a multicultural problem but I'm hoping someone here may have some advice...

MIL spoke to her eldest in language A (and to some extent some other languages) until he was 3 and they realised his English was very poor so switched to English only. This means that DP (DC2) learnt none of this language and neither of us speak it beyond the very very basics.

Now, MIL can be lovely but she's being very overbearing with the baby so far and now she keeps talking to the baby in language A. Before the baby was born, we all agreed that the baby would learn this language from MIL but now I'm apprehensive (?) as I haven't got a clue what she's saying or how she's saying it (I'm not sure on the intonation). For all I know she could be saying I'm a right cow (as I said, she can be lovely but we can clash).

So all that to ask, how do I get over this? I'm 90% sure she's not calling me a cow but I seem to have an in built reflex to know what people are saying to my baby!

[RavingRoo]

What is the language?

[BabyOrSanta]

Thank you all for your different opinions

I do agree that it's a very good opportunity for DD to learn the other language.

In general, I'm okay with echolalia but I can't seem to remember the actual words.
DP has grown up hearing this language every day but he still doesn't speak it beyond a few words... though to be honest, if he could speak language A his parents would probably start speaking language B in front of him (they hold "private" conversations in public, in the lounge, as they know no one else can speak the language...).

It's just so frustrating even though I know it's entirely my fault and in my own head!

[Chaosofcalm]

What a fantastic opportunity for your child. Research the benifits of being bi/multilingual for children. Overall it enhances total language development and can allow children to think in a different way. I wish this was a skill I or my family could offer my child.

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

Well, if she is going to be calling you names to your child she could do it just as easily in English while you are not present. It's good for children to hear different languages IMO and, even if it doesn't turn out to be useful in the future, it won't do any harm.

If you find it unpleasant to be excluded by language, then you could ask her to speak English while you're there. But it probably doesn't matter either way until your DC is speaking as there isn't really a 'conversation' up until that point. You'll probably pick up enough in the meantime to get the gist of what's going on, my MIL speaks English, Malay and an Indian dialect depending on who she's talking to. I find it a bit of a relief when it's not English as she tells really dull, long-winded stories and I don't need to pretend to pay attention if it's not in English, but I can often tell which of the dull stories it is, so I've obviously pick up quite a bit of understanding over the years.

[TakeitEasy23]

You don't need to learn the language unless you want to. Her knowing you are learning the language will make her think she has the power to make you do things she wants you to do. It kind of places her at the top of the hierarchy, makes your kid lower and makes you an outcast seeking entry into the system.
You've been lovely in allowing her to teach your kid the language. MILs can be horrible. You and your husband need to set some boundaries around this other language sessions. You're there and you don't understand the language. This is "othering" you around your own child in your own home, which is discriminatory (perhaps self-inflicted). If I were you, I would tell her that you no longer want to teach your kid the language in this way, you don't mean to offend her and please don't continue speaking a foreign language. If you want your child to learn the language, there should be apps, youtube clips or weekend school alternatives. This is something you can share with your child. I would encourage you learning the language if you and your kid will learn the language together, without the MIL being involved in this process in any way. All the best and be strong.

[EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic]

Yep agree with PPs. The on,y way forward is to learn her language.

[Beamur]

I have a half sister, whose Mother is not English. Growing up Mum spoke to baby in her native language, Dad in English. Dad speaks small amount of Mums language. Daughter is now bilingual. Foreign Granny spoke no English, so this was a lovely way to enable them to all be able to communicate.

[Ummmmgogo]

you'll have to learn the language it's the only way. she wouldn't slag you off to your baby, but she might not be able to resist doing it to your 14 year old!