how do you teach resilience to racism?

[bluedemilune]

and i mean resilience to racism, not just awareness of racism. i think this is so important for ethnic minority children in the UK as mental health problems and depression can take root if they don't know how to cope with racism.
of course we teach them to stand tall but how about when theyre faced with scepticism or negativity? is it enough to emphasis the importance of good education? should we teach them to ignore racism? or confront it head on? what about insiduious racism, the skepticism or having to constantly prove oneself or having ones skills undermined?

[user789653241]

Following with interest, as I am foreign and ds's dad is white British.
Ds(9) doesn't seems to understand the racism properly yet, but I am dreading when he goes to secondary. I have experience of racist comment/attitude in the past, and my ds has strong feature of my ethnicity.

[bluedemilune]

hey guys i think my posts have been overly long compared to most but does anyone have an opinion about the issue of mainstream tv and movie characters for black children. towards the end of my second post i mentioned the disparity in animation characters for young black boys to see and enjoy as black girls now do. does anyone think there is something suspicious about that?

also, i really liked what was mentioned about teaching them positivity and stories of inventors and people in the arts etc. personally thats what i focus on, i dont teach my children anything about slavery or racism. i dont let them watch programmes/adverts of 'starving african children' or 'only mudhuts in africa' and the like as at their tender age, i just want them to hear positivity around africanness and blackness. time enough for the sad parts much later, when iv developed enough of a sense of their self esteem that is based on positivity of being black, not on shared suffering.

maybe im wrong but i just feel the way black history month is always focused on slavery or the civil rights movement i dont want my children to think of their ethnic heritage as having been that lowly, or that subordinate to the will of others. and always the school material i see it has a white saviour, never the story is written that the people themselves had their own strength to fight their own subjugation.

confusedmummy your kids are lucky they have you so conscious for their sake. i have a relative whose wife sees their childrens black heritage as an afterthought, her relatives all pleased the children are all lightskinned with soft hair. he loves her and doesnt think its an issue but i only fear for the future when those children grow up and try to take their place in white society and find that they are shut out due to being mixed race, then they will have not have been schooled enough in their black identity to fall back on it!

[confusedmummyalways]

RestingGrinchFace you say that we shouldn't be bothered by people saying racist things...but can I just point out that these racists idiots point out the one thing that can not be changed...skin colour. It's not the same as someone pointing out that I wear glasses, or may have ginger hair or crooked teeth, those as things that if chosen to can be changed. But to say disgusting things about someone's skin colour will in every way hurt someone, and as much as you say your race isn't what makes you beautiful, it is what makes you you. Your genetics is what gives you your height, your eye colour, your smile....every bit of you. You can't dismiss it. I agree that your actions and words are what make a good person good and a bad person bad but growing up being bullied for whoever you are turns you into the person you are.
I would love to hear from some racist people, have an actually conversation and hear exactly why they have to views they do. We've all heard the "coming over here taking our jobs" excuse, it's ridiculous, it makes no sense. I'd like to ask my grandad in particular about his views. His dad was Polish, came to England during the war and my grandad is one of the most racist people I know, that I no longer see since having my boys. He's one of the "taking our jobs" brigade...so what about his dad? Which then makes me realise it's a skin colour issue? But why? Why does it matter? I'd love to hear an answer to that.

I would take a stand against anyone, any company, anything else that made anyone feels less than for their skin colour. Like I said in my previous post, my fiancé said that if me and him went for the same job (which he is better at and more qualified for) then I would get it over him because I'm white and he's black. This is what needs to stop.
My sons will be taught about both cultures and to face anything with their head held high and that they can achieve anything and be exceptional.

And just a side note...reading all the comments and thinking most of the week about this subject (much long in all honesty) is it strange that I sometimes feel utter shame to be white?? I dunno. XxX

[drspouse]

Can you think your way out of people acting in a racist way too?

[bluedemilune]

I’m already resigned to racism: biology and physiology are our realities it’s not in our heads it’s the skin we are in. I could be as ‘white’ as I wanted on the inside but all people would see is the external. I do not give myself permission to forget that or let my children forget that because the horrible sense when you are not treated like everyone else - read: having the experiences the mainstream white privileged get, is too soul crushing. I’m more into respectability politics than challenging racism et al. I don’t expect ‘the benefit of the doubt’, I don’t expect ‘second chances’, I also have seen the effect of teachers low expectations of black boys on my own family. Extrovert and they get typecast as bold/naughty/cheeky, introverted and quiet and they’re ignored brushed aside and considered ‘retarded’ as the author of the doll tests found from the 1940s.

[bluedemilune]

Some really interesting points.upto now I have only been thinking about how to teach resilience to the middle class racist in the higher education and working world. Because those are not sometimes safe places to whistleblow or challenge racism. what coping mechanisms then?

I'm still thinking of the racism ethnic minority judges, doctors, scientists, engineers get in their fields im not even onto the racism of the police service or the judicial system or the education system et al. I think the only thing we can do to protect our children from that is to teach them to keep their noses extremely clean that they never have to rely upon an officers or a judge's 'discretion' which so often leads to incarceration for black and Asian men in this country for what a white man would get a suspended sentence.

(as an aside I think the much stereotyped jokes about black parents beating their kids that all black comedians joke about is that very real fear that if the child doesn't learn to fear authority then they will fall foul of a bent racist officer/judge afterwards. )

I'm very sorry for any of us who have experienced or seen our children experience racism. that is the worst pain seeing it on your children.

[AfunaMbatata]

Think before you feel basically and you will not loose your power

People ain’t Vulcans ffs. To be emotional is part of being human.

Honestly, you make it sound like a person can just think themselves out of crap.

[RestingGrinchFace]

I really don't know how many more ways I can say this. Think before you feel basically and you will not loose your power. I'm out now. This has always been something that I feel very strongly about but I really don't know how to explain it further without expending undue energy. Hopefully one day everyone will understand.

[RestingGrinchFace]

@Afuna it's because by being upset you are putting value in their opinions, you are empowering racists/disablists. It's fine to get upset over physical injury, it is also all good and well to be frustrated by the situation but by getting hurt you are caring about their opinion when you shouldn't because it is stupid and worthless.

Let's put it this way. I was raised with this approach and I have never once allowed my race hold me back. When I have been on the receiving end of racial slurs/negative comments I have not cared. When I have experienced any kind of social racisms/systemic racism I have dealt with it instead of crumbling. Most importantly I have grown up to understand that race is a nothing. It's just another silly idea that intelligent people pay little regard to. I have never allowed myself to be a victim, instead I have fought. The reasons why we have racial equality isn't because subjugated races felt hard done by, it is because they knew they were equal to their oppressors and fought for reasobable, equal, treatment. OP has asked for advice and I have given advice that works. You are in control of your own emotional response, we are not animals but rational beings, we should use that reason to discover the truth and live by it. The truth of racism is that it is downright stupid. If one lives by that u derstabding ine cannot feel hurt by it (notice the distinction between Feeling hurt and having to deal with and fight against systemic racism).

[drspouse]

My DD I worry will be in that category (she's not Asian and generally Asian people know this but White people assume she is).

[RavingRoo]

Middle Eastern and Indian kids experience racism very differently. Many could pass for white (or southern european) but it’s their culture and beliefs that make them different. While for others who visibly look different it can be racist discrimination on two fronts. Two kids in the same family could have totally different race experiences. And parents tend to reinforce by negating the positives about white people, because slagging off the people you feel are hurting your kids is a natural reaction. So when a young brown girl comes saying the other kids don’t like her hijab, or bindi, or hairstyle, then they’ll come back with ‘don’t listen to them they’re all slappers’. It’s why many kids growing up around racists become racists themselves.

The cycle has to stop, really but I wouldn’t want my kids to become martyrs to the cause. The ugly truth is that statistically brown and black kids are more likely to be stabbed and / or attacked and /or sent to prison - and I want more for my kids.

[AfunaMbatata]

It’s perfectly healthy and right to feel sad and angry when experiencing racism. Why are people trying to make it the victims fault for being upset?! Wtf is that about? Would you tell a kid in a wheelchair that’s been tipped out of it that they shouldn’t be upset about that? That people treat them as lesser ?

[Mijkl]

Race does not exist but racism certainly does, and being hurt by it doesn't mean it's somehow your own fault. I think this is a really important thread to have started. I am from an ethnic minority and I really wish I had a great answer to this question but I don't. I thought we'd see less racism as I grew older - as the world developed - but it just seems to present differently. :(

[RavingRoo]

If you are in a major city, I think the worst racism your kids will experience will be from other adults - kids nowadays (especially in mainstream education) are taught about diversity but it’s still a fairly new thing. (Kids find non-race related things to bully about). So this should tie in with what your existing policy is about random adults making comments about and to your kids. My mum used to tell us to ignore what strangers said, good or bad, as they didn’t know you well enough to make that judgement and I find the message still translates well to my neice.

[RestingGrinchFace]

*frustrated that idiots are in a position of power, not that you are brown.

[RestingGrinchFace]

Point taken regarding racial profiling-but you would still be silly to get upset over it. Frustrated yes, indignant yes. These feelings both indicate that you know it is wrong. But sad or upset-this is defeat. It is intellectual defeat.

[RestingGrinchFace]

I feel like I am banging my head against a wall here. It's not about ignoring it. It's about realising that racists are idiots. Their words and actions reveal them to be less than you. You are better than them and therefore it would be foolish to give half a fuck about what they say.

Also your points above regarding services etc. are definitely not true of my experience. I would imagine that those statistics are screed by class. We always receive the best, often better than a lot of the white British around us. It's not because of the way we look but because we known when and how to put people in their place.

As for fashion models-the whole point of being a clothes model is the objectification of one's body. Do you really mean to suggest that models or prostitues are selling themselves as opposed to the services their bodies render? It's not a reflection of the individual, just the body. It's a basic metaphysical distinction.

It's not about toughening up, it's about seeing things for what they are. It's about seeing yourself for who you are and not caring what other people think because it is stupid to base your self worth on the opinions of those who a lesser than you.

[AfunaMbatata]

Ok, now you just be chatting nonsense Restinggrinch. Have a good night

[TeaAddict235]

Tell this

"The only way that you could possibly be hurt by this is by believing (even a tiny bit) that your race is a reflection on you as a person. "

To all the young black men incarcerated this evening, or to those who have been stopped and searched, AND have never committed a crime nor fallen foul of the law.

raging you are a troll.

[TeaAddict235]

The OP asked for suggestions on how to make our children more resilient, not how to ignore it restinggrinch. Your statement of

"Quite frankly if you are hurt by racist comments then you must have internalised the racism to an extent otherwise they wouldn't effect you. So long as you teach your children to judge others by their actions and their words and not their skin tone they should be just fine."

Essentially is saying that POC shouldn't be hurt by comments or actions and should toughen up. How do you tell that to a 3 year old dual heritage, say Caucasian- Malay who has been told by a Scandinavian heritage child that they look like a wolf because of their eyes? Or something like that? So we should teach our children that their colour will not dictate how the world sees them? Have you not travelled around recently? Ever been to the Netherlands, Germany, Poland, the Czech, as a family of Colour? Oh yes, all that "bad treatment" that you experienced as an exchange pupil had nothing to do with your Colour. It's all poppycock.

I think that you are the type of person, hopefully that my relatives will be able to discern as someone they don't need to have in their lives.

Teaching children that 'black is beautiful' , say if they live in majority white countries or say in Asia, is important as the world that they live in will Never let them forget that they are not the majority race. Teachers, employers, police, etc etc etc will not treat them equally to say a Caucasian, it has been shown in numerous studies that POC receive poorer quality of services in health, education, law, etc etc etc. Thus obviously unless my PhD is void, better inform Imperial their life expectancy and outcomes are directly affected should I draw you a simple positively correlated graph?

The saying 'black is beautiful' is not to say that white, latino, Asian etc races are not (if that is what you are offended by), but Caucasian heritage is celebrated vehemently in media, literature, art and history. African diaspora history and culture has been nearly eradicated from the curriculum in Europe and Latin American schools and universities (aside from the specialist institutions dedicated to such them).

Also,

"Your race is your body, not you. You are not your body but rather what you do with it. The whole black is beautiful/white is beautiful thing is superficial. Your body is not beautiful. It is attractive or aesthetically pleasing but it's just a thing. It's not enough on its own to be beautiful. The things you do with it are what makes your body beautiful. "

Try telling that to Alexandra Schulman the previous editor of vogue. Her magazine would clearly disagree with your statements on many levels. Her magazine would agree with your statements for black and South Asian models, and definitely not Caucasian models.

[RestingGrinchFace]

Think it through. Idiot says something idiotic based on your race. Instead of laughing it off because they've just made an idiot of themselves you get upset about the thing that the idiot has just said. Why? You wouldn't care about what an idiot says surely? They are a nobody afterall, but maybe you don't make the connection between saying something racist and that person being an idiot? Alternatively you get hurt about the idiotic thing that they said. But why would you be upset over a non-sensical comment? Unless you don't completely believe that it's non-sensical. Racism is no less ridiculous than spitting on a pregnant woman because she is wearing a red shirt or because she has two legs or because she has two X chromosomes. Race is meaningless. The only thing that is dependant on your race is your appearance and appearance is superficial. The only way that you could possibly be hurt by this is by believing (even a tiny bit) that your race is a reflection on you as a person. This the underlying principle of racism and believing it (even if it is just a tiny bit) is an internalisation of racism.

[slightlyglittermaned]

I really don't like the message that racist comments only hurt if you have internalised racism. They hurt because it is frightening and saddening to have people spit hatred at you, especially when you are the only non-white kid in the playground.

My parents did a reasonable job of preparing us - I'm not sure I can analyse what though. Self-belief was an important part of it, but also talking over incidents and how we could deal with them.

[AfunaMbatata]

Quite frankly if you are hurt by racist comments then you must have internalised the racism to an extent otherwise they wouldn't effect you

Bullshit. Before my DD was even born my pregnant stomach was spat on and called disgusting simply because my baby would be mixed. Obviously it was my own internal racism that made me break down and cry, not the fact that i realised that even before she was born people were judging and being hateful towards her.

[RestingGrinchFace]

Oh, and My children a mixed race, I am ethnic minority not mixed. Although that's really not important as I explained above.

[RestingGrinchFace]

You've internalised the idea that your race is a reflection on you as a person-it isn't, you actions are, your words are, your thoughts and feelings are but your race signifies nothing more than your genetic makeup. Your race is your body, not you. You are not your body but rather what you do with it. The whole black is beautiful/white is beautiful thing is superficial. Your body is not beautiful. It is attractive or aesthetically pleasing but it's just a thing. It's not enough on its own to be beautiful. The things you do with it are what makes your body beautiful. Your body is beautiful when you make love to someone special, your body is beautiful when you carry and child and give birth to it, your body is beautiful when you use it to help others or to dance or to sing. Likewise it becomes ugly when you use it to hurt others or to spread hateful ideas. Without you, without your soul your body is just a thing. It is not a part of you. If you woke up tomorrow in a different body (as well all inevitably do I suppose when you consider changes wrought by age) you are still you. You have internalised the idea that your physical state is somehow a reflection on your true self. This idea is the foundation of racism, and sexism, and homophobia etc. If you teach your children to value true self, the kind of self that is only visible and palpable through action then they won't give a rat's arse about race, or physical appearance or anything else so superficial.