Despite the fact that I am white, my children will be black

[PreggersSoonHopefully]

Have been thinking about this a lot recently as dh and I are now ttc. I am white British, dh is black African.

Have realised that despite having one white parent, in the eyes of the world my children will be black. Sounds obvious I know but it has just fully occured to me. I have no idea what it means to grow up black in this country, except second hand through dh. Am wondering how it feels to be the only "white" person in the family.

Would love to hear how other mothers of mixed race children feel about it. I want them to grow up with as much of my culture as dh's but wonder if they will identify more strongly with his as society will always view them as black.

[MUM2BLESS]

Interesting thread. I've also seen Are mixed race people black?

PreggersSoonHopefully where do I begin with my comments.

In the eyes of some people mix raced (black and white) are seen as black.

I can usually tell if some one is mixed raced. In some cases it is hard to tell.
As a black person myself I notice the shade of a persons skin The black skin comes in various shades. SOME PEOPLE ONLY SEE THE BLACK REGARDLESS OF THE SHADE

Both you and your partner play an important part in how you bring up your kids. Both races/culture are important.

I do not try to fight against racism as it will always exist instead I will not allow it to limit me.

Its important that your children are positive about who they are as a person.

[MUM2BLESS]

Me again.

The replies you get will vary. Does it depend on the race of the person who answers?

How does your partner see this?

We veiw life very differently. I see life as a black felmale.

[Pendeen]

"... in the eyes of the world my children will be black ..."

Unless you can talk to everyone who sees your DC then I'm afraid that is quite possible.

As regards your final sentence, you and your DH can make the most difference there.

[MUM2BLESS]

How does your partner feel about this thread PreggersSoonHopefully?

Will you practice both cultures?

[MoRaw]

This is interesting. My son is of dual heritage. As far as I am concerned, he is black. My husband is white (very pale). His father wants him to be taught that he is dual heritage. That's fine by me. My only problem is my son who is 9 months appears white (blond hair and pale skin). If he remains this way, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. If he becomes darker, then I will go the black route. Why? Unfortunately, I want him to be able to deal with the reality of society. There is no race called "mixed race" and when it all comes down to it, racists do not differentiate between black and mixed race. I do not want him to be shocked and dismayed when he encounters racism. If he looks black, then he is black. If he looks kinda white, well I am not sure what I'm going to tell him but one thing is for sure, I will not tell him he is white.

LOL! All very confusing. I am sure my views may change as time goes by. I must admit it is not an easy thing to grapple with. I guess we all just need to do what is in the best interest of our children - to avoid them any confusion and loss of identity.

[marsiettina]

MoRaw - I think it really depends on where you live. My children know they are mixed race and in their school they have lots children who are mixed race, whether it is b/w, asian/white or all varying combinations.

My children are also aware that people can be racist about skin colour, but at the same time my children also know that they are part black and part white.

I feel that telling my children they are black, kind of sounds like they are not part of their dad's family. I am fortunate that my children see regularly both sides of the family, so may eat rice and peas with one grandparent and next time eat pasta, pizza or gelato with the other.

Only time will tell if this is a good way to bring them up, but I can only try to make them aware of who they are and their varying family history!!!

[Ladylazarus2]

I'm mixed race (UK and black African)

It carries on to the next generation, my DH is white but my children are similarly mixed race.

It's not easy to grow up in the UK as a mixed race child - there's a definite sense of being neither one thing nor t'other.

But, you know, it's hugely enriching. Dual heritage is a totally naff term but it means you can access both perspectives as your own.

By the way - I entirely disagree with the posters who say that kids don't see colour. It just ain't true.

[StealthPolarBear]

Sarah do people actually tut?

" ButteryBiscuitBase

There is also a lovely book called "double the love"about a child with one black grandma and one white grandma and what the child gets up to with them both."
Thank you! I think that was read on cbeebies and I wanted to know what it was. Was it the city grandma / country grandma one?

[Devora]

Bless you, OP, I do understand how you feel. Even though my extended family is very multi-racial (eight mixed race aunts and uncles, for a start) I remember having a little odd wobbly feeling when I was just getting involved with my (black Caribbean) dp, many many years ago. Just a feeling of, "Oh. Is this going to be very different?". And then a similar feeling on adopting our mixed race dd.

The little wobble was very quickly drowned out by the busy reality of falling in love (with dp, with dd) and getting on with life. And discovering that, of course, the core experience of loving someone is irrelevant of racial identity. I don't mean that love is colour-blind - it's not; their racial identity is one of the things I love about them, I don't love them despite it - but that the fact of being in love is your entry point into not just accepting but welcoming the changes that brings into your life.

When you become the white mother of a black or mixed race child, life does sometimes treat you differently. Some of us were joking on a recent thread that other people think you're a thick slag - and I do think some of that genuinely still exists. But the main thing is that you become a dual heritage family. It kind of alters your own racial identity too. You become responsible for communicating and developing your child's ethnic identity, and so you have to embrace it and make it part of you, too. Not all white mothers accept that responsibility. But if you do, you will find the journey fascinating and far more positive than negative

One last thing: I have a birth child who shares my ethnic identity, and an adopted child who does not. Do I have a different kind of bond with my biological child? In some ways, yes. She reminds me so much of myself at that age, whereas my adopted child is a very different personality. But that doesn't imply an extra closeness; with both children, I love the things that unite us but also the many ways in which they are different from me. And I love them equally, without a doubt. Some people do seem to set great store on biological connection and physiological similarity with their children - but those people tend not to adopt. Or, for that matter, seek partners from a different ethnic background.

It will be fine, I promise

[shrimponastick]

DS is 14 - I am white, his father is black.

He looks the spit of his father (which is unfortunate as we split up 12 years ago, but hey!). However my DM still maintains that he has a look of me. I don't see it. Even the immigration guy at the eurotunnel agreed that he could see he was mine (when questioning the differing surnames in the car).

We have quite adult conversations - I have asked him if he considers himself to be black or white. He says neither, but isn't bothered either way. I believe him.

[MoRaw]

Shrimponastick, your son's response is very interesting when considered alongside what Ladylazarus and others have said regarding telling their kids that they are both.

I am sure your son understands he is a mixture of both black and white but yet he does not regard himself as either. I'm curious, did he say what he regards himself as? Perhaps mixed race? Yet mixed race has no 'uniform' identity insofar as it's not a race.

I can understand educating a child on their dual heritage but I do not understand how someone can be both races.

In any case, most of us from the Caribbean (for instance) are mixed race. However, I do not see myself as quarter white, quarter native Indian, and half black.

[cheapandchic]

I disagree moraw- when you say "i do not understand how someone can be both races"

Of course they can. Or they can say they are their own special mixture. Its interesting to me that the focus seems to always be in terms of black and white, and leaves out the other "mixes" like white/asian, asian/latino, etc.

A friend of mine is Danish/Argentinian. She is stunningly beautiful and does not look white european. Everyone asks her where she is from as no one can "classify" her... she always answers Dad-danish-mum-argentina. And people seem satisfied with that. She looks non-white, mixed (black/white even) I suppose... but doesnt say she belongs to one single race, as the fact is she doesn't. So why can't other mixed children simply say Dad-Nigerian-mum-Irish, or whatever the mix is.

My children are a real mixed bag. Between us they have blood from 5 european countries and 2 african countries... neither of us are from the UK, but are in London for now. We are planning on leaving in two years time. Will they be confused about their identity? Probably. But I don't see that as a problem. I will teach them to be proud of their 'mix'. And let them know that they will encounter racism and all other sorts of judgement based on looks, skin,clothing, whatever. My opinion is that if you escape childhood with only being teased based on skin colour you are lucky. Focusing on race is silly. People judge you based on your hair, funny teeth, glasses, breasts, being too tall/short, accent, even the wrong shoes!

[MoRaw]

Cheapandchic it might have helped if you read and digested my last sentence. Also, if you have an awareness of how mixed the Caribbean is, then you would appreciate that most Caribbean people are a mixture of all sorts - White, Black, Indian, Chinese, American Indian, Native Indian, and I could go on. The beauty of it all is that for the most part race is not an issue. If people of the Caribbean had to talk about belonging to or being several races all wrapped into one, it would be quite hilarious not to mention strange and meaningless.

However, sadly it is in the UK and pretending that it is just another issue like being blond(e), tall, short, etc is (as far as I am concerned) disrespectful of the history and blood, sweat, and tears that has lined the way where the issue of race equality is concerned. Being teased because of the colour of your skin should never reduced to the same level as being teased about your wonky teeth, or height, etc.

Skin colour matters in the UK otherwise why do you think they have all these programmes, targets, etc? The glass ceiling for brown skinned people is not an illusion. It is real. So too is the greater proportion of brown skin people being stopped and search and I could go on but I am sure you too can think of many examples where the colour of your skin means you are at a terrible disadvantage in this country.

As Oprah said recently, race matters - it always does.

[cheapandchic]

I am not disrespecting the history of racism. That is not my intent. I just mean that the way I will help my children to process any problems will be the same. I will tell them that if someone judges you on the way you look, in whatever manner, which is something you cannot help, then that only expresses the ignorance of the other person.

I am not pretending that racism does not exist. But I just refuse to carry on such a negative outlook for the future. In my opinion continuing to view your life with a glass ceiling is counterproductive. Sexism is still alive and thriving as well, but I refuse to allow it to limit me or my decisions or my outlook.

If you think my mixed children will make them be at a terrible disadvantage..well one more reason for me to leave, apart from the horrid weather:)