Coming to terms with a missed miscarriage at 12wks

[blogmumuk]

I've just signed up to the forum and didn't expect to be asked if I was pregnant in the registration. It was a bit of a jolt. If you'd asked me a little while ago, I'd have proudly said yes, but now am coming to terms with my first miscarriage and feel completely numb. Getting pregnant for the first time was so exciting. And we'd decided to wait to tell friends until after the scan, I'd already got my eye on some cute baby bits which I thought I'd treat myself to after the scan, we'd talked about names, even seen a pram we loved. I'd had a bit of spotting, but neither of the classic signs of miscarriage, not the pains, not the heavy bleeding. But as we had our first scan at 12 weeks there was this awful moment of silence that just went on too long and I just knew. The screen was dark, the sonographer was struggling to find anything on there. And then he explained the baby had no heartbeat and was only 5 or 6 weeks old. He was extremely kind and tried to throw us a lifeline talking about the dates being out, but I knew they couldn't be that out. And so I'm now recovering from an ERPC. It can be a lonely place at times. I know no one who has been through this and while I know I'm far from the first and definitely won't be the last person facing this, and that chances are next time it will be happier news, the right here and now is hard. I go from fine to tearful in seconds. I know there's no answer, no reason why it happened to us, but be nice to hear from anyone who has been through this and knows how it feels.

[barbie1]

do you mind if i join you, im sat hear trying to type through the tears, like you blogmumuk i was just about to have my 12 week scan but knew something wasnt right hence the trip to a&e on a busy saturday morning only to be told i have to wait until wed for a scan to confirm the worse. its been a week now since the scan and in the mean time had to fit in 3 weddings one of which was my sisters while trying to hold everything together. I too was going to wait until the 12 week mark to tell everyone the news but instead had to put on a brave face, my close family knew but it was so hard as we got married only 16 weeks ago and most other family hadnt seen us since so naturally the first question asked was are you pregnant yet? im home from devon now back in newcastle and im sat waiting for the bleed i should get or else ill have to have an op, both of which are scaring me to death. back to hospital on wednesday and hopefully things will be over pretty soon. The doctors said it soon times takes up to 3 months to get a normal period again so dont be disappointed yet, i hope one day we will both have healthy happy pregnancies, until then i will seel comfort in mumsnet. Thankyou for reading this xx

[sfxmum]

blogmumuk I am sorry for your loss, this happened to me in 2001 but I did have some spotting beforehand and went for a scan a few days earlier.
It was a shock despite it being my 3rd miscarriage, the others were earlier.
I did have an ERCP i took 2wks off work but it took a lot longer to recover

I only felt ok about ttc sometime later and my dd was born in 2005 after a trouble free pregnancy
since then I have had another early mc

it is hard I always say just take time to grieve in your own way at your own pace, life goes on but you never really forget and that is ok too

[Newb]

Hi Blogmum.

I lost our first in July, mmc at 10 weeks. This is my first post since then, have been distracting myself with work, wine etc. ;) . The emotions truly do get better over time, most days I feel fine, can see that these things are part of nature etc. then today I heard a friend was pregnant and have been a complete wreck. So it comes in fits and starts. I have a little bag where I've put the scan photos, pregnancy test (hoping that's not too gross ) and the corks from the champagne when we told our folks. Not much, but they're things I'll always treasure.

Sending you hugs x

[dan39]

barbie how awful for you. But don't worry too much about the op..if you have to have one.... as its really quick - its a general anaesthetic and you go to sleep and wake up what feels like seconds later and its all over. I could not 'feel' anything inside in terms of pain or evidence that they had done anything. I had about 4 weeks off work, two of which I felt physically awful but it gives you time and chance to cry and grieve. And, as you can see on here its so common, but many many go on to have another successful preg.

Look after yourself and cry if you need to.

[harro39]

Hi blogmum, hope things are more settled and you are getting back to normal body wise. I just went through it on Thursday and am booked in for ERPC on Tue, they actually tried to just send me away for 2 weeks saying it was too early to say not viable only measuring 5 weeks when I KNEW i was 10 weeks - feel angry about this as I would have been stuck in a horrible limbo for 2 weeks and then have to go through it all again. was interested that you said you sort of knew - I didn't tell many people as I kept telling myself had to wait for the scan which I didn't feel with ds1, but nothing can prepare you for that horrible silence and panic from sonographer as they try to find it. It's such a horrible thing to go through and I feel my hospital did not help at all at first giving me no information and you are so numb you cant think of any questions at that point. Luckily I phoned back and spoke to the early pregnancy unit and they were wonderful and have sorted everything. I have always thought that it is a miracle that so many pregnancies happen normally as the creation of a baby is such an intricate detailed process. I work in a special school so see the results of things not developing as they should and I think this has helped me accept the miscarriage as it was just not meant to be. Obviously having my son has really helped too. I am 38 and have a friend 39 who is pregnant and one 35 so dont worry about being a little older when you look in the magazines all the celebrities are having babies later these days so it can work for us mere mortals too!!

Hope things are settling down and wish you all the luck for the future

[blogmumuk]

Hi Sblubby
Thanks so much for what you said. It's so good to talk to someone who just knows how you feel. And am really touched you read blogdad's blog. I'm hopign he'll carry on with it as he put so much work into it and I feel that to write about this side of things would mean a lot to people. But I'm just going to wait to see what he says and if he feels he can.
Glad you are starting to have more good days than bad. And well done for fighting our corner re services. I think the fact you've been through so much and still managed to do your job is amazing. I don't think I could have done that. Never underestimate how strong you've been xx

Hi dan39
Thanks so much for your lovely words. Part of me feels I should have known sooner, six weeks is a long time to carry on not realising. And the sense that something wasn't right wasn't long before the scan, so for at least a month my body was playing tricks. There's one person who I've found pretty insensitive when they ask me things, about if there were any signs, what I think caused it etc as if it had been my fault. But I know that I did everything by the book in terms of what I did eat and didn't eat etc, no drinking, getting rest, doing exercise, and all this even in the run up to trying for a baby so I had the best possible chance. So I'm trying not to be paranoid about what people think went wrong when they ask as I know we did our best.
Am really glad to hear your good news that you're pregnant again and hope you are feeling okay. You've really cheered me up to know it happened so quickly. xx

Hi barbie1
I hope that too, that we'll have happy, healthy pregnancies in the future. You've been so brave, so strong, I don't know how you've got through all those weddings when you've had to face so much but I'm sure everyone really appreciated you being there and being so selfless.
I do have a bit of good news - I've just got my period. Strange how exciting that's now become! For the last however long I've been wishing for the opposite! But hopefully it's a sign that my body is getting back to normal again and so when we're ready we can start trying again. Good luck with everything xx

Hi sfxmum
Thanks for your message, it means a lot to know that after going through all this you had a smooth pregnancy. It gives me hope as I keep wondering if next time the same will happen again and don't know if I can face that. So thank you, it's good to know things can work out second time around. xx

Hi Newb
Am so sorry to hear about your loss. That's such a lovely idea of keeping all your precious little things. I think it's so important to do that. And I know what you mean about it being so hard to other people's news. Heard today someone else pregnant and just feels too much. With people who seem to get pregnant quickly and sail through everything, I don't think they always realise how lucky they are when they haven't seen the other side of things. I've never been an angry person but feel myself getting annoyed at the slightest things at the moment, being snappy and sometimes feeling really angry as it just feels so unfair when you see someone shout or swear at their little person in the pushchair in the supermarket and you just think, you have no idea how lucky you are. But I guess that's a natural stage of things to go through. Have you felt like that? And I hope that as time goes by and I shake off the flu - feels like one thing after another at the moment - and get stronger physically that coping with the world isn't as tough xx

Hi harro39
Thanks for your support. And well done for standing up for yourself and going back to them to ask questions. Two weeks is way too long to wait. And I really hope you get on okay on Tuesday, I'll be thinking of you. I think the limbo is one of the hardest things to go through. When we had the 12 week scan, we then had to go back on the Monday to have it confirmed and it was just the longest weekend. It was my birthday on the day of the first scan and that weekend a birthday meal was planned with my parents and sister and in a way I couldn't face it, but in another way I wanted them all close to me so we did go ahead. It's so strange looking back, as we'd thought with my birthday being so close to when we'd finally be able to tell people and celebrate about having a our first bbq and party in the garden and inviting the all our friends, family and making it a chance to meet the neighbours, but where as normally I'd love to do something like this, I just didn't want to. Maybe even back then it was a sign from my body before I knew. I just don't know, but have to say am so relieved didn't plan it as thought of either having to cancel two days before and people ask why or to go ahead and put brave face on would be too much.
I've just bought the Lesley Regan book on What every woman needs to know about miscarriage after was recommended it on here and have to say it's a great book. Not everything in it applies to me but if you'd like to read something for support, for reassurance and just to blinking well know that a top expert out there knows what you're feeling then it really is money well spent. For me, it's just helped me understand a bit more and also to be better prepared for hopefully when I fall pregnant in the future. I long to have a baby and know that hopefully when it happens I'll appreciate it even more than I would have done had things been different this time. xx

[LOVEMYMUM]

How are you all feeling?
Blogmum - i couldn't read your DH's blog. The disappointment and loss is too hard for me to read.

[barbie1]

well finally its over for me, after spending four days in hospital, having once course of medical managment tablets and getting a v.bad reaction and fever i had to go back in yesterday for a d&c, mad all the more worse that it was ment to be my 12 week scan yesterday
I spent the night due to more complications and woke this morning lost and empty...the bruises all over my arm and hads from bloods, injections etc are a reminder of whats happened...i dont know what to do now, such a strange feeling as im a planner and always know what im doing! i had to walk out past maternity and am embarresed to say that i was green with envy and almost angry at the happy new parents, hope this doesnt make me a bad person...i hope everyone else is getting a little stronger every day...im going to draw my positive energy from all of you! xxx

[dan39]

barbie poor you - what a rubbish set up that you had to go past the mat people - you are not mean in your attitude to them, its only to be expected on this occasion, you would be odd not to feel like that. Bruises etc horrid, as s the empty feeling. But you will heal - I know what you mean re being a planner - and there will be tough times ahead as you think about what stage you would have been at - but you just do what you can to heal yourself - give yourself time and space and surround yourself with nice people who will help you.

Blogmum good news on getting your period - I know exactly what you mean about that bizarre reversal when for months (years in my case) I was waiting for the opposite! But it really is a sign that your body is recovering and sorting itself out. I really, really hope things go well for you next time.

And as for the 'insensitive person' who was questioning your actions, what a tosser!! Clearly he/she knows bugger all about human inetraction never mind miscarriage! AS IF it would help for you to find some 'cause' or 'blame' in your actions!! Give 'em a good kicking or tell me where they are and I will do it for you!!!
seriously - when you are stoug enough point out how unhelpful that kind of attitude is - or get someone else to give them a talking to! (or a thump)

[dan39]

Sorry meant strong enough...was too cross to check for crap typing!!

[jenny60]

I just wnated to say how sorry I am for your loss. I have had 2 miscarriages, one at 5 weeks, and the other at a horrendous 18. I too will never forget the moment they told me there was no heartbeat. After enduring weeks of severe neausea, drips in hosptial and so on, that was that. But for what it's worth, I found grief counselling helpful and also, trite though it seems, the passing of time helped too. I didn't think I would ever get over the first one, let alone the second, but I did and I am genuinly ok now. I now know that I can never go through that again, but after the first one I just wanted to get pregnant again as soon as possible. Give yourself time if you need it, but don't feel that you have to wait if you don't want to. There is a lot of confusing advice out there, but I found talking to the miscarriage associaiton really useufl. Good luck. I really am sorry, but bit by bit, things will get better.