Pregnancy announcement- I don’t think aibu.

[KittyandTeal]

This might be long and mixed up so sorry.

We lost our second daughter in 2015 to Trisomy 18 at 22 weeks. We went through a horrid testing process and in the end had a termination for medical reasons. Leaving her in hospital is still the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

2 years ago today I found out I was pregnant again. I was scared but convinced it would be ok, horrific things like loosing a baby don’t happen twice right, way too unfair. We went through harmony testing etc and all clear. We were given a 1:2million chance of things going wrong. At 16 weeks we found out he had died. Just over a year after loosing our second daughter we lost our son. No reasons were found for him dying.

I have endometriosis and so conceiving is virtually impossible, I’m also high risk for trisomies and for another loss so we have decided to settle with us being a family of 3. My dd is heartbroken understandably and is having play therapy.

Unsurprisingly my dh and I find pregnancy announcements hard, really hard. It takes a while for us to process, we are happy for the couple, obvs, but it is so complicated. I also hate face to face announcements, they are like being punched in the stomach.

Christmas is a really tough time, I hate it. This Christmas my dB and dsil decided to use the day to announce their second pregnancy. It really upset me and dh, I managed a cheer and congrats etc although muted. We opened presents and then I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I excused myself and had a bit of a cry. Came back down and tried getting on with the day. There was an obvious atmosphere but I had no idea what to do or say.

I was cleaning the carpet slightly later and my ddad came up to tell me I need to be happy for them, separate it from my losses etc. I had another cry and decided the only way to cope was to have a fair bit to drink. I wasn’t hammered and didn’t do anything awful or say anything out of turn.

Anyway. Now my dB and dsil are livid. Apparently we ruined their special day, we should have just put our feelings aside for just one day to be happy for them, no one reacted in a cheery enough way and this may be the rift that breaks the family (very dramatic) My dmum is beside herself and my parents are going over there today to discuss it all and try to ‘solve the problem’ but atm dB and sil don’t want to speak to us again.

Tbh I was pretty angry they chose Christmas Day to do it without thinking about how tough it would be on usbut that’s life, I could have got over that. I am so, so angry that they are now angry at us for not making a huge sing and dance about it. You can make announcements whenever you want but you can’t police other people’s reactions. I’m so upset atm. And now I’m spending the day knowing there is a family conference about my unreasonable reaction.

Just to not drip feed I am also in therapy dealing with lots of things but one of the main ones is my odd family dynamics where my emotional well-being is always put last, I’ve learnt to do this and apply it to every part of my life. This year I’ve started pushing back a bit and it’s created ripples.

Sorry it’s a long one but I am not bu am I?

[User45632874]

So sorry to hear this has happened Kitty x We carry the loss with us every day (I had a late loss at 22 weeks) but I still find three years on that certain events such as Christmas can reinforce what we have lost without this being pushed in our faces which is more or less what has just happened to you. They lack every sensitivity and obviously cannot (fortunately for them) begin to understand the absolute pain and devastation our kind of losses can bring.
I would be inclined to say distance yourself for a while, you have absolutely done nothing wrong; I think I would have reacted in a similar way and would have probably left the proceedings early.
When I lost my ds, my sister in law (whom I had never had a particularly good relationship with) was also pregnant and went on to have her son whilst I was left distraught and picking up the pieces. I was in a mess and couldn't face seeing their baby and I am still estranged from them to this day (I really miss my brother). I suppose how you react depends on how much you value your relationship but there seems no reasoning with them at the moment and you need to protect yourself.
I am also currently using a different username and you probably would recognise my old one; as a previous poster said who have been a source of strength to many ladies on here and I am really sorry you have been put through this x

[RavingRoo]

It’s obvious your db and sil don’t give a toss about you, to do this on christmas day. So stop giving a toss about them.

[BubblesPip]

I’m so sorry for your losses.

Yanbu!! They are incredibly selfish and I can’t believe your family wouldn’t consider your feelings

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

I would never do that to a sibling who had been through what you have. I actually think people who do pregnancy announcements on Xmas day and make it all about them are pretty selfish.

[User45632874]

Hope you are doing O.K today Kitty x

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you all.

The family meeting didn’t happen in the end. Apparently they were ill (although my dB posted a good few photos of him out with the lads). My dm and ddad have their daughter today so they can’t be that pissed at them!

I had a really rough time yesterday, I really struggled. Lots of tears. I felt a bit better after visiting them at the crematorium. I called a friend and balled my eyes out on her and ranted a fair bit so I’m actually feeling better about it today.

I think, like a pp suggested, I’m just going to keep my distance for now. There isn’t actually anything I can do to change their feelings. (Nb I have always been the one to placate others in my family but backing down, apologising and putting others feelings above mine. I’ve been working hard on that in therapy and so now I’m not doing it I’m not sure they know what to do)

[Situp]

YANBU and I am so sorry for your losses.

my dsil had a lot of trouble conceiving and they had their first 6 months after our second was born.

She then had 2 miscarriages whilst I got pregnant with DC 3. we spoke to DMIL and asked her to tell DSIL (We live abroad) to ensure it was done tactfully and at an opportune moment.

I don't feel that doing this has in any way reduced the excitement of my pregnancy and enabled DSIL to deal with her reaction in private before contacting us.

I didn't do this because I felt obliged, it was because I am a decent human being and I wouldn't want to hurt someone I care about unnecessarily.

wonderfully she is now pregnant again and all seems to be ok.

[Mishappening]

YANBU - I am so sorry for your losses. So hard to process for you and your OH.

I think your B and SIL and being extraordinarily selfish and insensitive. We had a similar situation in our family when one of my DDs lost two pregnancies. When her sister became pregnant she dealt with it with great sensitivity and managed the situation with kindness and awareness, so that the first DD was able to be happy for her in spite of her sorrow.

Stay out of it as much as you can - you cannot help how you feel and we would all feel the same. It is a shame that in her happiness your SI: cannot leave room for your feelings. You have much sympathy from me.

[beingGoodNow]

People who haven't been through it just don't get it. Your DB and SIL just don't get it. I'm so sorry for your losses. YANBU to feel the way you do but for your own sake you need to be able to hold it together better when faced with a pregnancy announcement. It's part of life (I'm accepting this too, trying to) and you can't live in fear of these announcements and occasions.

I hope you're ok.

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you all. Yes being, you are right, I do need to learn how to hold it together a bit more. Usually I’m actually ok, generally I can keep it together and feel happiness then deal with my sadness a bit later on. I think it being on Christmas Day, when I was already feeling raw thinking it should have been dd2s 3rd Christmas and ds second, wondering what they would have been like, dd1 asking what presents they might have got etc. I think on a particularly hard day I just struggled to hold it together.

[Itscurtainsforyou]

This is why it's best to be told about a pregnancy by text or someway that isn't face to face. The last thing any of us need is for it to be thrown in like a handgrenade when least expected, especially on Christmas Day.

[User45632874]

Yes, Kitty this particular time of year would have been especially hard for you to hear any of these announcements but also, it is not just like a general acquaintance making the announcement where it is perhaps easier to distance yourself...I think it was the whole set of dynamics involved in this instance too which made it especially difficult...I would have reacted similarly...sorry you have had to go through this x

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you user, yes it does feel particularly complex. I’m still burying my head in the sand and ignoring it all for now.

[Onetwothree2018]

YANBU at all. Your BIL and SIL sound so selfish and cold to do that to you on Christmas Day. Completely out of order. They should have been far more tactful and perhaps told you in a letter or via email on a normal day xx I’m so sorry for your losses. I think people who have never had a pregnancy loss will never understand the feelings and emotions involved xx