Pregnancy announcement- I don’t think aibu.

[KittyandTeal]

This might be long and mixed up so sorry.

We lost our second daughter in 2015 to Trisomy 18 at 22 weeks. We went through a horrid testing process and in the end had a termination for medical reasons. Leaving her in hospital is still the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.

2 years ago today I found out I was pregnant again. I was scared but convinced it would be ok, horrific things like loosing a baby don’t happen twice right, way too unfair. We went through harmony testing etc and all clear. We were given a 1:2million chance of things going wrong. At 16 weeks we found out he had died. Just over a year after loosing our second daughter we lost our son. No reasons were found for him dying.

I have endometriosis and so conceiving is virtually impossible, I’m also high risk for trisomies and for another loss so we have decided to settle with us being a family of 3. My dd is heartbroken understandably and is having play therapy.

Unsurprisingly my dh and I find pregnancy announcements hard, really hard. It takes a while for us to process, we are happy for the couple, obvs, but it is so complicated. I also hate face to face announcements, they are like being punched in the stomach.

Christmas is a really tough time, I hate it. This Christmas my dB and dsil decided to use the day to announce their second pregnancy. It really upset me and dh, I managed a cheer and congrats etc although muted. We opened presents and then I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I excused myself and had a bit of a cry. Came back down and tried getting on with the day. There was an obvious atmosphere but I had no idea what to do or say.

I was cleaning the carpet slightly later and my ddad came up to tell me I need to be happy for them, separate it from my losses etc. I had another cry and decided the only way to cope was to have a fair bit to drink. I wasn’t hammered and didn’t do anything awful or say anything out of turn.

Anyway. Now my dB and dsil are livid. Apparently we ruined their special day, we should have just put our feelings aside for just one day to be happy for them, no one reacted in a cheery enough way and this may be the rift that breaks the family (very dramatic) My dmum is beside herself and my parents are going over there today to discuss it all and try to ‘solve the problem’ but atm dB and sil don’t want to speak to us again.

Tbh I was pretty angry they chose Christmas Day to do it without thinking about how tough it would be on usbut that’s life, I could have got over that. I am so, so angry that they are now angry at us for not making a huge sing and dance about it. You can make announcements whenever you want but you can’t police other people’s reactions. I’m so upset atm. And now I’m spending the day knowing there is a family conference about my unreasonable reaction.

Just to not drip feed I am also in therapy dealing with lots of things but one of the main ones is my odd family dynamics where my emotional well-being is always put last, I’ve learnt to do this and apply it to every part of my life. This year I’ve started pushing back a bit and it’s created ripples.

Sorry it’s a long one but I am not bu am I?

[Onetwothree2018]

YANBU at all. Your BIL and SIL sound so selfish and cold to do that to you on Christmas Day. Completely out of order. They should have been far more tactful and perhaps told you in a letter or via email on a normal day xx I’m so sorry for your losses. I think people who have never had a pregnancy loss will never understand the feelings and emotions involved xx

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you user, yes it does feel particularly complex. I’m still burying my head in the sand and ignoring it all for now.

[User45632874]

Yes, Kitty this particular time of year would have been especially hard for you to hear any of these announcements but also, it is not just like a general acquaintance making the announcement where it is perhaps easier to distance yourself...I think it was the whole set of dynamics involved in this instance too which made it especially difficult...I would have reacted similarly...sorry you have had to go through this x

[Itscurtainsforyou]

This is why it's best to be told about a pregnancy by text or someway that isn't face to face. The last thing any of us need is for it to be thrown in like a handgrenade when least expected, especially on Christmas Day.

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you all. Yes being, you are right, I do need to learn how to hold it together a bit more. Usually I’m actually ok, generally I can keep it together and feel happiness then deal with my sadness a bit later on. I think it being on Christmas Day, when I was already feeling raw thinking it should have been dd2s 3rd Christmas and ds second, wondering what they would have been like, dd1 asking what presents they might have got etc. I think on a particularly hard day I just struggled to hold it together.

[beingGoodNow]

People who haven't been through it just don't get it. Your DB and SIL just don't get it. I'm so sorry for your losses. YANBU to feel the way you do but for your own sake you need to be able to hold it together better when faced with a pregnancy announcement. It's part of life (I'm accepting this too, trying to) and you can't live in fear of these announcements and occasions.

I hope you're ok.

[Mishappening]

YANBU - I am so sorry for your losses. So hard to process for you and your OH.

I think your B and SIL and being extraordinarily selfish and insensitive. We had a similar situation in our family when one of my DDs lost two pregnancies. When her sister became pregnant she dealt with it with great sensitivity and managed the situation with kindness and awareness, so that the first DD was able to be happy for her in spite of her sorrow.

Stay out of it as much as you can - you cannot help how you feel and we would all feel the same. It is a shame that in her happiness your SI: cannot leave room for your feelings. You have much sympathy from me.

[Situp]

YANBU and I am so sorry for your losses.

my dsil had a lot of trouble conceiving and they had their first 6 months after our second was born.

She then had 2 miscarriages whilst I got pregnant with DC 3. we spoke to DMIL and asked her to tell DSIL (We live abroad) to ensure it was done tactfully and at an opportune moment.

I don't feel that doing this has in any way reduced the excitement of my pregnancy and enabled DSIL to deal with her reaction in private before contacting us.

I didn't do this because I felt obliged, it was because I am a decent human being and I wouldn't want to hurt someone I care about unnecessarily.

wonderfully she is now pregnant again and all seems to be ok.

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you all.

The family meeting didn’t happen in the end. Apparently they were ill (although my dB posted a good few photos of him out with the lads). My dm and ddad have their daughter today so they can’t be that pissed at them!

I had a really rough time yesterday, I really struggled. Lots of tears. I felt a bit better after visiting them at the crematorium. I called a friend and balled my eyes out on her and ranted a fair bit so I’m actually feeling better about it today.

I think, like a pp suggested, I’m just going to keep my distance for now. There isn’t actually anything I can do to change their feelings. (Nb I have always been the one to placate others in my family but backing down, apologising and putting others feelings above mine. I’ve been working hard on that in therapy and so now I’m not doing it I’m not sure they know what to do)

[User45632874]

Hope you are doing O.K today Kitty x

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

I would never do that to a sibling who had been through what you have. I actually think people who do pregnancy announcements on Xmas day and make it all about them are pretty selfish.

[BubblesPip]

I’m so sorry for your losses.

Yanbu!! They are incredibly selfish and I can’t believe your family wouldn’t consider your feelings

[RavingRoo]

It’s obvious your db and sil don’t give a toss about you, to do this on christmas day. So stop giving a toss about them.

[User45632874]

So sorry to hear this has happened Kitty x We carry the loss with us every day (I had a late loss at 22 weeks) but I still find three years on that certain events such as Christmas can reinforce what we have lost without this being pushed in our faces which is more or less what has just happened to you. They lack every sensitivity and obviously cannot (fortunately for them) begin to understand the absolute pain and devastation our kind of losses can bring.
I would be inclined to say distance yourself for a while, you have absolutely done nothing wrong; I think I would have reacted in a similar way and would have probably left the proceedings early.
When I lost my ds, my sister in law (whom I had never had a particularly good relationship with) was also pregnant and went on to have her son whilst I was left distraught and picking up the pieces. I was in a mess and couldn't face seeing their baby and I am still estranged from them to this day (I really miss my brother). I suppose how you react depends on how much you value your relationship but there seems no reasoning with them at the moment and you need to protect yourself.
I am also currently using a different username and you probably would recognise my old one; as a previous poster said who have been a source of strength to many ladies on here and I am really sorry you have been put through this x

[CouldntCatchACold]

 for you @KittyandTeal
I'm sorry you've had to go through such a devastating time.

[Itscurtainsforyou]

OP you are so not being unreasonable. They really should have given some thought to you and your situation before being so insensitive.

I know, having lost several pregnancies and babies that I'd never wish if on anyone but I'd really like some people to understand just how devastating it is.

My friends were very sensitive to us when they announced pregnancies - most telling me in advance of others so I could deal with it and prepare myself before seeing them face to face. It doesn't take much to do that, which then enables you to be happy for them (while still being sad for yourself). Your brother/sister in law is just so self-centred in the approach they've taken.

[1sttimeunicorn]

Hi @KittyandTeal
Just to say YADNBU.
I have been there with 3 losses and it hurts like hell.
My SIL also announced her first pg shortly after our second loss and we lost a third shortly before my DN arrived.
The whole thing, from the way she chose to announce it, to the preparations and the birth was so hard. Honestly it was the darkest time in my life.
Eventually I fell pg with my DS and during that she announced another pg.
I felt an awful lot of resentment which made me feel so guilty. Now I watch her struggle with two under 2... it’s a bit less resentment more a general ‘eye roll’ to be honest.
Anyway I just wanted to tell you I am so sorry for your losses. And so sorry that others can’t have a bit more morality. The xmas day thing would annoy me so much I would have reacted the exact same way. Xmas is a special time for everyone and they hijacked it and made it about them. That’s awful and I’d struggle to get my head around it too.
You sound so strong and lovely and I just wanted to reassure you that there are many people out there who understand.
Feel like I’m babbling now, sorry.
Happy new year to you and may it bring you peaceful and warm times with those you love x

[ZipItZebedee]

It’s tough because they told us about their first pregnancy in the phone, it’s much easier to fake cheer then and after 10mins or so you hang up and cry. So on the face of it we seemed fine about their first. We weren’t and it’s actually been really hard. I guess they thought it would just be the same.

This does explain why they might have thought a big announcement would be ok. If you were fine with it last time (from what they knew) they wouldn't have thought it would upset you so much this time especially as the first birth announcement must have been a year or so ago. It doesn't make it right but it does explain it a little.

Please don't think I'm sticking up for them, I'm not, just trying to explore how they might be seeing it.

I think Wonderful's text is a good idea. I would also suggest that once the dust has settled that you let everyone know that you would appreciate it if people let you know about birth announcement in whichever way would be the least painful. Unless they were truest horrible people I'm sure they wouldn't have made the birth announcement at Xmas if they had had a clue it would upset you so much.

[KittyandTeal]

Thank you purple. Yes I think I was similar before we lost dd2. I think it’s the anger at our reaction not being ‘right’ that’s upset me most now

[Purpleprickles]

Kitty I'm so sorry for your losses. I agree yanbu at all, what an insensitive time and way to make that announcement.

Sadly I think many people can't understand losing a baby and also the desperation in wanting to be able to have another child unless they have been through it. I would include myself in this, I cringe thinking back to how I used to feel a friend who was struggling to conceive a second child should be grateful for her first dc. Having been through that now myself I understand it isn't about being grateful and that the longing you feel to have another child isn't made any less because you have a dc already. Also when I did finally get pregnant and then loose the baby with a mmc quickly realised some people just really didn't get how devastating it was.

I can really resonate with your comments about dd telling you she feels lonely too. I had those conversations with my ds and they broke my heart every time. Mainly I want to send you a huge unmumsnet hug and lots of strength and luck for the future

[KittyandTeal]

Thunderbolts you have put it perfectly. I may use this when the dust has settled to explain my feelings

Thank you chaos. There may well be a typo in there, sorry. Our parents haven’t spoken about it, it’s my parents and my dB and sil that are involved. My pil are very understanding and supportive.

[Chaosofcalm]

You are definitely not being unreasonable. When I was ready to announce my pregnancy I text people who I knew had has lost their babies before I made a public announcement. I know from experience how much public announcement can throw people.

Your relatives were insensitive to announce their pregnancy on Christmas Day without forwarding but they were unreasonable to question that you needed time to deal with the news.

I am a bit confused about why your parents need to speak to DH parents about this though? Maybe I just misunderstood this bit.

[ThunderboltsLightning]

They have handled this very poorly and were quite selfish to proritise their 'moment' more than your grief. It would have been much better to tell you in advance over text and then inform you that they were planning on surprising your parents with the news, and while you would be very welcome, they understand that you might not want to be there. It should not have been on Christmas Day; a day which can hard for many people for many reasons.

They need to understand that you are very happy for them and wish them every happiness, but that pregancy announcements bring all your feelings of grief and yearning to the surface and it's difficult to control or hide. It's not that you are not happy for them; it is because you are sad for yourself and for the babies you lost.