Struggling after late miscarriage

[Paige84]

I know it might be "normal" (whatever normal is in these awful situations) but I'm really struggling right now after losing my baby girl 3 weeks ago tomorrow. I had a scan at 15+6 which was perfect. She was moving around lots and all looked fine. On the morning of the next day, I listened to her heartbeat (home doppler) and again, this was perfect. At 9pm, after two hours of severe pains my waters broke and at 11.48 that night she was born. I had to stay in hospital for 48hours on fluids and antibiotics as my temp was a little high (bloods confirmed no infection though). I was kept on the post-natal ward the whole time with women coming and going with their brand new bundles of joy.
It's now almost 3 weeks ago and in my old life I was the strong, solid and dependable one in any situation and crisis but right now, I'm just feeling completely broken. I'm finding it hard to get through the day without dissolving. Work is awful, I'm in charge of a group of 10 and I just don't care anymore. I don't sleep anymore and can't remember how to function. I don't even remember who I used to be. I've never felt so utterly lost, despite a partner who's doing his best but is already "over it" and moved on.
Sorry I've rambled on, I guess I just wondered if anyone out there has felt this low and managed to find a way out of this dark hole? I don't know how to carry on.

[Paige84]

Today I'm heading into theatre for a D&C. 8 weeks and 2 days after giving birth. I'm hoping this helps and means I can start to physically heal so I can start to mentally try to wrap my head around things.

[JOMH1982]

Sophie, that's scary as that's almost identical to what happened to me. Waters went at 19 weeks after leaking, I didn't know anything was wrong. Baby survived for a week and I developed sepsis and had to terminate. It's soul destroying. I hope you're getting lots of support, I completely know what you're going through. Xx

[Sophiehfz2805]

This also happened to me just a few days ago, i turned 19 weeks and when i got to the hospital on the 25th as i had leaking fluids. They kept me in and found out my cervix was fully open and my waters had gone.. Baby was fine for 3 days until the 28th they done a scan and found out he had died, i gave birth the day afterwards:( im struggling to get over it and how i can get pregnant again, i'll just be worrying constantly after it being such a late miscarriage:( i feel heartbroken. Im sorry for your loss :(

[JOMH1982]

Hi,, sorry for the late reply. Just remember, when you are feeling low, you have survived the worst so far, and now you can do that, you can conquer anything. I still have my low points but I am managing to cope ok atm. You are being so strong and brave going back to work so early, and your boss sounds like a tool, they should be more supportive.

Get my natural killer cell test results tomorrow, eek!

Never put an internal filter on here, that's what we are here for xxx

[AvaMercy]

Paige,

I hope you're doing ok. I lost my baby over a month ago at 18 weeks and I know that I'm still not ready to face most of the world, let alone work. I think you're very brave for trying.

This loss is the most isolating loss that I have ever experienced. It has made me shy away from meeting or interacting with most people in my life. Although I'm sad that so many other women had to go through what I went through, I'm really relieved to have found this site so that we can at least talk to each other and feel less alone.

I hope you're having a better day today, is all I wanted to say really.

[Kiss2DD]

Hi dear, I lost my baby at 16 weeks on 6th, May. I have followed your post, but I was so emotional that I did not know what to say....

It's been two weeks now. I am better.....but I will not be the same person and life changed forever. I missed my boy everyday, but my did not cry as much as two weeks ago. I started to feel some peace when I finally accept that is the fact and he grew wings....no matter what I do, he left my belly and now rest in the box next to me. ...Time can not be reversed, we have to move forward with the grieving and love.

I took two weeks off after MC, I lost so much blood, it really had bad impact on me with daily life. I also want to empty my mind before I go back. It burned my brain, I need a break badly. I decide to go back next week. I thing I can do it.

Do something positive. I did not want to do anything, I did not want to go out in this two weeks. I started to discuss with my husband about July holiday together, we bought some new furnitures for the house. If you are not ready, then do not push yourself. But if you feel that you have a little bit motivation to do something else, just try a bit. I feel kind of relieve afterwards.

Take care and a big hug from your buddie.

[Paige84]

God that all sounded very "woe is me". Sorry, I don't mean to be whiney. I should turn the internal filter back on I guess x

[Paige84]

Hi JOMH1982 how are you my dear?
I'm scared. I honestly just can't pull myself together. I'm managing a brave face of sorts at work but I crack as soon as I get in the car. Everyone thinks I'm "getting better" but I feel like I'm sinking.
I know I need to get a grip and every now and then I think I might actually get through this but in the next breath I'll disappear again. I'm scared my partner is going leave soon too. He's getting frustrated that I don't feel ready to sleep with him yet but I'm still bleeding so even if I felt I could, I couldn't if that makes sense.
My boss is "concerned" that I'm distant at work and not as dedicated as I was (because Ive been arriving on time and only leaving an hour or two late instead of my previous 14 hours in the place with a smile on my face)
Gah. Life sucks. Anyone know how one goes about getting a new life?!
x

[JOMH1982]

How are you doing? Xx

[Paige84]

*Hampton I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a heartbreaking time. I wish I had some words of wisdom but right now I know there aren't any. Try to look after yourself and if you can bear it, let others in. Loved ones care but may struggle to communicate this in a way you can comprehend at the moment. I seem to have managed to shut out everyone and don't know how to get back into the world.
Thinking of you and your family. Take care x

[Merd]

Hello hampton so sorry for your loss, there are no words really when it happens, but I hope you find some support here on Mumsnet.

[Hampton35]

I am new to mumsnet
I suffered a miscarriage at 16 weeks just over a week ago.
I have had spotting since 8 weeks but was told that all seems fine and my 12 week scan showed a strong heartbeat and a happy looking baby.
So it was a great shock to learn that my baby had died about a week earlier than 16 weeks. I went for a private scan to be told that there was no heartbeat 😞
The past week has been the hardest in my life - having had to be induced and deliver the foetus and endure excessive blood loss and needing GA to remove a retained placenta
My and my hubby are just grief stricken and struggling to come to terms with what has happened and why

[JOMH1982]

You're not losing your marbles, this is "normal" after a traumatic loss, you are very brave leaving the house at all, and I get what you mean about seeing people. Have you tried any talking stories at night, or having radio 4 on quietly, aromatherapy oils? I know you'll be thinking, ok, yeah right, but I found some distraction while trying to fall asleep in the early days helped. I needed something stronger the first few weeks to sleep as I was a bit mental and having panic attacks regularly, but five months on I'm sleeping through again. the sadness is still there, but it is more manageable. I'm so sorry work isn't more flexible, sounds like you could do with some more time off, but don't be afraid to drop a line whee if you're having a bad moment. you will get through this xx

[Paige84]

Hi all
Thanks for your message Greenwolf I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope today was ok at work. My GP suggested counselling but told me there's at least a 6 week wait and I think to try and talk about it after that long night do me more harm than good. I'm not very good at talking to people anyway, I get so obsessed with not crying that I clam up. The sleeping tablets have not touched me so I haven't haven't had any sleep and I had a crappy message from work today which upset me. I'm dreading going back in on Monday but if I don't get back to work there's no way the bills will get paid as I'm the main earner and I've been off so much in the past 4 weeks I'm dreading payday. I'm still holding onto the daydream of packing a bag, bundling the dog into the car and driving off somewhere never to return. I had a positive moment this morning so tried to go out and get some shopping but had a panic attack in the carpark so had to come home. I can cope with going out but can't cooe with people for some reason. Losing my marbles now too I think x

[greenwolf]

Hello Paige, just want to send you lots of love and strength. And I wanted to share with you what happened to me, and how I am thinking/feeling about it all, in the hope it will help in some way.

I had a missed miscarriage which was picked up at my routine 16 week appointment - I delivered my little one 3 weeks ago today. I'm back at work this week and it is very hard. I can particularly relate to the feeling of letting everybody down. After fertility problems, being able to tell family I was expecting a baby was completely wonderful, but then to feel like the source of a huge amount of sadness feels like a double burden. Rationally I know that 'it's not my fault' and no one is blaming me, but right now I feel like a failure on a profound, bodily level. Finding work so difficult right now compounds this feeling. I don't know yet a cause for her death, and my little baby has gone for a post-mortem - I think of this as something she is doing for her future brothers or sisters. The thing that has been keeping me going is my husband. We make sure we check in with each other a lot, and give space to listen, hug, cry and allow the feelings to be there, as difficult as they are - and when I have moments of relief when I am able to enjoy something (and they are getting to be more and more often) I'm working on not feeling bad or guilty. The recovery back to 'new normal' doesn't seem to be happening in a straight line - and I felt ok in the week after her birth, but then this week with work it is so much harder. Luckily I had the office to myself this morning as I cried a few times. I'm also aware that as my hormones change this might have unexpected effects. I hope your workplace will understand - mine have been mixed. The HR manager has been great, my line manager, really not that great. And people who really love you will understand if you're not up to cake baking or whatever. Yesterday I congratulated myself on eating three meals (albeit toast-based, and then a ready meal). Be kind to you - have compassion for you - give yourself time to grieve - I hope you have good people in your life who will be with you. Is it possible for youto get a referral for a counsellor? Perhaps through your GP or bereavement midwife? Sending so much love your way xxx

[JOMH1982]

Things will get easier, I promise, not straightaway and you will have some tough bumps ahead, but the pain will soften. I'm glad to hear that your gp has signed you off and that you have some sleeping tablets, they will help you in the short term.Things will settle with your other half as well, too xx

[KittyandTeal]

I have had that 'can't cope' feeling before and have it now to a lesser extent.

In my experience it is your mind telling you you need time out. I have found processing and problem solving have escaped me, I had to ask my dh what to do when there was no humus left for dd1s lunch (he went and got more) and my dm is always getting 'how do I solve this' calls atm.

I find my dh can be short tempered and fed up as well. After calling him out on it it turns out that's how he is when he's hurting and grieving.

I really hope a bit of a break helps. I know it feels like you have/are letting people down (I also felt the same way). One of my blunter friends said to me 'you're not letting anyone down and anyway, you're not good to anyone if you keep breaking down, take time, get better and come back to kick ass' I'm trying to do that atm.

[Paige84]

Thank you. I'm hopeful things will get easier one day but if feels impossibly far away right now. Thank you for your kind words everyone x

[pleasethankyouthankyouplease]

I wanted to write to say I'm thinking about you and wishing you well. So very sorry for this time you are experiencing- it must be very lonely and very dark. I think you've been given some good advice- however low things are, and I can only imagine what you're feeling - you will get through it. Not over it but through it. X

[Paige84]

Thank you. I went to see my gp earlier who was lovely. She insisted I took at least this week off work but wants me to go back to her Friday and this about taking more time off. She also gave me sleeping pills so I can at least hopefully crawl into bed and let unconsciousness take me out for a while.
My fiancé is really short tempered today and is cross that I won't get up and go out for dinner. He's been so good and I know it must be so hard to be around me at the moment but I can't even begin to explain to him how impossibly difficult I'm finding even simple tasks of getting showered and dressed everyday. He thinks I should be "trying to get over it" he doesn't understand that a piece of me is missing now xx

[JOMH1982]

I could have written a similar post myself at Christmas when I was in the nearly daysof this horrendous and traumatic journey. No one tells you how awful it is as there are no words to describe the trauma, but I have been where you are, and survived and you will too, I know it doesn't feel like it but it's true. This is in NO way your fault, the fact you are in so much pain says to me how much this baby meant to you. Work will have to cope, your emotional well-being comes first, your gp can help. Your family will understand, this is your sister and I'm sure is hurting ever so much for you, you need to allow yourself to feel the pain (I know how much it hurts) and speak to the Sands helpline and a bereavement counsellor for some support. Be kind on yourself, its very early days. Wishing you a gentle night and hopefully some sleep. I was on diazepam when I first lost Faith as I was just like a crazy woman and couldn't sleep, and had panic attacks. Once I managed to get myself back in a sleeping pattern I started coming to terms with what had happened more easily. Try chamomile tea and reading a good book in bed, a kit Kat or just anything really that feels comforting in the slightest. Sending you a virtual hug as I can tell you need one and I know how dark the early days are. You're not alone xx

[Paige84]

I can't cope. I feel like I'm drowning. I've let everyone down. She was fine bless her, it was my crappy body that failed her. I can't function at work so they're let down and getting pissed off. It was my nieces 4th birthday today and all I managed to do was send my sister a text saying please tell her happy birthday etc. Before this, I was the birthday queen of the family. I bake. Not just cakes but "creations" and I used to go bonkers on gifts and I couldn't even go to visit today. Everything's spiralling and I can't make it stop x

[KittyandTeal]

Wow, you really are having a shit time of it.

I'm so sorry you couldn't go and see your baby. Do you have photos that you could look at? I know it's not the same. Can you spend time with her without 'viewing' her? I know it might sound nuts but I often go to the crematorium to spend time with dd2 and ds and just talk to them. I am fully aware I'm not talking to anyone but I feel closer even though I can't see them. It might be possible for you to spend time with her in her casket for example.

Will the gp sign you off? My experience is that you don't even need an appointment, you just need to speak to the doc on the phone, they should have all the records.

I have had over a year of specialist bereavement counselling. It has helped me so much. Is this something you might consider?

For today shut yourself away and do whatever you need to to get through.

💐 It is an horrific time

[Merd]

Oh Paige I wish I knew you IRL so I could come and give you a hug.

[JOMH1982]

Oh my God, I'm so Sorry. Maybe it's more about the time since she was born that has affected how she looks, than the post mortem? They're meant to do them sensitively. Faith never got hers, despite us consenting, as the hospital misfiled our form, so we have been left with no further answers as to why she died. You're probably not in the mood to speak with anyone but it might be worth highlighting this to the hospital in question, they shouldn't have done this xx