Trying to conceive after loss - help

[izzytwobells]

Hello all, in early January I had to have a termination after my 20 week scan detected unsurvivable abnormalities in my baby's brain and heart. It just wasn't on our radar at all and our hearts were completely broken. As I'm sure other women who have had a loss will agree, the desire to get pregnant again has been overwhelming and all-consuming.
The dr advised that I wait to get my period and for the post mortem (which showed no genetic issues) before trying, so we did. I've now had two 'normal-ish' cycles of 35/31 days, but have just got my period today . I was so hopeful with my last cycle and had all these 'symptoms' that I convinced myself that I could be again, so it feels so devastating to be back to square one.
I've tried to keep busy, exercise, eat healthy, stay positive etc etc, but it's exhausting and I'm so worried and stressed that something is wrong. Everyone tells me to 'relax and it'll happen', 'live your life and don't worry', but I don't know how that's possible when it's all I can think about. I want to scream, 'I'm meant to be having a baby next month and my baby is gone!'
With our first pregnancy it took 9 months, I know that's not long in the grand scheme of things, but every time my period turns up it's such an awful reminder of our loss that I end up feeling so depressed and completely hopeless.
For those of you who have conceived after a loss, how long did it take? Is there anything you tried that might help me too?
Thank you in advance for any support or advice you can give me. X

[LetLoveWin]

So sorry for your loss. This happened to me and I have exactly the same reaction. We tried again as soon as possible. Unfortunately I had a couple of miscarriages (very early on this time, might not even have realised but was plotting ovulation fiercely!), then finally a successful pregnancy carried to term, now my healthy 11 year old DD (also have a younger DS). Just so you can feel reassured, it all worked out for me in the end and although I am sad about my own loss, I have recovered and enjoy the children that I have. Wishing you lots of luck.

[izzytwobells]

Thank you all, you're all so kind. I've heard good things about reflexology so I might give that a go. Every month it's like I go through the whole thing all over again, all the hope and finger crossing during the tww, then so much disappointment and feeling like having a baby is so far away.
Sparechange, I'm so sorry for your loss too.
Thanks again all and best wishes xxx

[sparechange]

Hi Izzy,

I'm probably not the best person to comment on your specific question, because mine have been IVF pregnancies, but I had the exact same situation with you - tfmr after fatal brain and heart problems were discovered at our scan.
I just wanted to say my heart goes out for you both, and if it would ever be helpful to you, please PM me

[Herschellmum]

I am so sorry for your loss ... And yes I totally agree the desire is over power. I had a much earlier loss (12 weeks) and I had surgery as I didn't naturally miscarry.

I had to wait until I stopped bleeding and in that time decided to look after me, I had reflexology, acupressure and used essential oils (as well as maintained a good diet etc) ... I feel pregnant within 2 cycles and conceived twins.

While I was very sceptical about alternative therapies (my therapist did some light therapy to relax me and I laughed through the whole thing) I did fall pregnant, I also always consume Royal jelly when I'm TTC, which I love and gives me so much enegery and helps my immune system.

However, my particular therapist would not "treat" me if there was a possibly I was pregnant, I have heard mixed things about it, but if you decide to take a break then it may be worth considering or read about it and see how you feel. Royal jelly is safe to when TTC.

Again so sorry for your loss, the pregnant I lost I had also tried for 9 months and it felt forever, and then to lose it was deverstating! Sending you hugs and baby dust X

[caza25]

I am so sorry for your lose. It is really difficult and lonely. But the desire to get pregnant again is what keeps me going and the hope that next time that I will get to carry a healthy baby into my arms. On the practical side, you can google the online ovalation calculator and I tried just before the dates on it and during the dates that I was given and it worked. Good luck and I wish you all the best for the next time.

[Penguinepenguins]

izzy let it out here

You can let it all out sweet heart X I get everything you say, I was a big ball of emotion waiting to burst - trust me keeping it in is not good

Tip tap away xx

[izzytwobells]

Thank you both for your kind responses, reading them really does make me feel a bit better. Penguins and swancourt, I'm so sorry for your losses. This getting pregnant stuff can be so difficult and awful, it's not fair that so many people have to go through this kind of thing.
Getting it out is good advice and I will try. I find it so hard to think about and talk about - I feel like a dormant volcano, the pain is just always there, bubbling underneath the surface, waiting to come out. Do you know what I mean?
I find it hard to talk to my friends about it, i tried to but unless you've had a loss I think it's hard for people to understand and know what to say, I'm sure I'd be the same if I'd never been through this.
It's so hard when friends announce their pregnancies too, isn't it? So happy, envious and sad all at the same time.
i hope you both get your bfps next month too, it will happen soon for all of us, it just has to X

[swancourt]

I am so sorry for your losses, both of you. I have had two early miscarriages but I don't want to compare the pain of that with what you have both been through. I just didn't want to read and run. You both sound beautiful and brave. And I totally agree with penguins - don't be alone. Find help to keep you mentally safe and strong while you go through this tough time. Fingers crossed for your BFP next month x

[Penguinepenguins]

Hello x

Big hugs firstly - please be kind to yourself, I know this is so very hard but please be kind to yourself

I'm at miscarriage number four. It is never easy, I can't imagine how difficult it was for you having to make the decision you made.

I am currently seeking help to see if there is anything "medically" we can to do to make my babies stick. I should be in my third trimester now, a pang of hurt hits everytime I see the July thread in active. Another hits when I see December. My previous two I had not been on mumsnet. So I completely understand your frustration, it's horrible. I tell you this because it's OK to scream shout, vent and cry. I spent months keeping it in. If you ever want to talk please PM me I'm quite good at listening :) but I'd say let it all out on here, nobody will judge.

I am now getting some help for my mental well being after seeing the wonderful doctors at my reoccurent clinic, I also went back to my EPU.

I guess I'm trying to say, don't be alone x I struggled with loneliness for so long You don't have to be alone xx