Sensitive - Miscarriage Advice Question

[emmatom]

My 40 + year old cousin, physically disabled, and never in a million years thought she would concieve, sent me her scan picture of her 'miracle' child last month. She was naturally over the moon.

Have just been told by her mum that she lost the baby today at approx 25 weeks. She will probably never ever be able to concieve again. No one understands how her body could have made this little one.

She lives abroad and we keep in touch via e-mail, snail mail etc.

Apart from the obvious sorry for your loss type of words, what can I write to show how very much I feel for her loss and what sort of words would be words of comfort in this instance.

I have no experience whatsoever of miscarriage and would directing her to some type of website be of use. Is there anything that would be of comfort, does anyone know?

[BuffysMum]

I have no idea. A friend who lost twins was very touched at receiving a gift of yound trees/bushes to plant at her home in memory.

Really feeling for your cousin and her partner x

[Blandmum]

How awful.

I still remember something someone once said to me when I was having a rough time (nothing as bad as this BTW)

This woman said, 'I don't know what to say, I can't think of anything that I can say to ease your pain. I just don't want you to think that I am not thinking about you'

When ever I have been at a loss to say anthing, I think of this and just say th same

[USAUKMum]

So sorry to hear of your cousin's loss. I lost a child at 20wks and the best you can do is just make sure you do write and say something about her loss. I am still at my cousin who to this day (3.5 yrs later) has not said anything about it -- though we had been very close. Even if you don't know what to say, just say that ie. " I don't have any words to express it, just know I am thinking of you." I also found it nice to have people plant things in rememberance (my aunt a evergreen at our family cabin, my mother a hebe "angel" at my family home, and we planted a hebe which flowers from his birthdate until the day he should've been born).

There are numerous website about loss -- it depends on your cousins circumstances and why she lost the baby as to which would be most useful. But,
Sands is a good place to start.

[emmatom]

Thank you all very much. I will definitely write words to the effect that I'm thinking of her and her sadness and loss.

The ideas of planting flowers etc is something I would never have thought of. I will try and suggest it somehow to her. Thank you.

[emmatom]

Just in case anyone else has a similar situation - I did as suggested and sent a card and e-mailed my cousin and let her know I was here for her if she wanted to talk about her baby.

She's way too emotional to talk much at the moment but her mum (my aunt) has let me know that my words were a great comfort to her, just to know people were thinking of her.

I've also sent a follow up e-mail just reiterating that I was thinking of her.

I feel comfortable in doing what I've done so far. Can't quite bring myself to suggest the tree planting just yet. I may bring that into the conversation further down the line.

[rahrah1]

I have just lost my son, at 24 weeks and there is nothing anyone can say that makes the pain any less. But it is better saying something than nothing.(like you have done - that was of comfort knowing people were there for me and was think of him) There have been quite a few of my friends that have simply just said nothing, and that really hurts. My son did exist and I needed recognition for this and that he was beautiful and a treasured son. It has been really great being able to talk about him - so when your cousin is ready, hopefully she will be able to talk about him - his features, colour of his hair... I had a couple of poems at his funeral. This is my fav one:

Little snowdrop:
The world may never notice if a snowdrop doesn't bloom,
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms, or ever comes to be,
touches the world in some small way for all eternity.
The little one we long for was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty, our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts says that we LOVE YOU.

Another thing that helped was that we got lots of gifts that I have been able to keep, but in particular we received a star. My friend brought it off the internet, and it has been re-named 'Bertie' after my son. We can now look up at the stars and know one is named after him....

[USAUKMum]

emmatom -- another thing that I have just thought of, please mark in your calendar or make yourself a note of what your cousin's due date was. She will need support and words of comfort then, as it will be a v. sad anniversary for her. The first year is particularly hard.

[emmatom]

rahrah - my heart goes out to you. Thank you for replying. Your poem is lovely. I may include that on my next card to her.

USAUKMUM - thank you. Again, not something I would have thought of, but i will definitely make my thoughts for her known at that time too.

[rahrah1]

No problem, it is obvious you care very much, take care of her and yourself, best wishes. XX

[USAUKMum]

rahrah1, my thoughts are with you. I am very sorry for your loss.