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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

So fed up with waiting!

41 replies

Catsycat · 27/06/2011 21:03

Sorry but I'm going to moan.

Last monday I had a scan that showed my 9 week pregnancy was not viable. I had another scan on Wednesday privately that confirmed this, and again on Thursday I was scanned as I changed hospitals, and it was still not looking good. (I put a post on the pregnancy board about all this last week). I'm just horrified that this is happening, and so sad about the baby :(

What I'm finding just awful at the moment is that I have to wait a week for another scan to show no growth before I can get any medical help with the mc. I realise they have to be sure, but it just seems so cruel (my baby should have measured 24mm last week and measured between 2.7 and 4mm depending who was measuring, so I'd have to have conceived the day before I tested positive, and still have a below average size baby for this to fit with my dates). I know there is no hope. I started bleeding and cramping on and off just when wiping on thursday last week, and this carried on over the weekend. It is a bit more today, but only like a very, very light period, nothing more.

I just feel like I can't do anything or go anywhere, as I'm terrified I could suddenly be in agony and bleeding heavily at any moment. I would love to be able to go out shopping or something just to take my mind off it, and my parents want me to go out with them tomorrow, but I'm feeling so intimidated about not knowing when the actual mc will occur. DH works away, and has been going out loads in the evening so he doesnt have to think about it, and it's really annoying me that he can get away from thinking about it, and I can't.

If it was all over and finalised, I just feel I could try to move on, but it's like a big horrible stumbling block lying somewhere in front of me. Sorry to moan, but just hoping some of you will get what I mean and not just think I'm being a whingy cow!

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babysaurus · 15/07/2011 22:07

No offence taken, dont worry about that! Off to sleep now as exhausted (well, been awake since my 4 hour afternoon 'nap') Willl write again soon. Thanks again ladies and hugs all round. x
ps the charm bracelet is a lovely idea!

Catsycat · 15/07/2011 14:37

Thanks Beattie, yes, the forceps was particularly grisly... I'm glad it has not been as horrible this time for you, though still really a hard thing to cope with. Sorry you have had to go through it again, and I hope you are doing OK.

Hi Babysaurus, sorry if my previous post sounded a bit "hey, now you're over it"! That wasn't what I meant - hope I didn't offend you . I was referring to the waiting bit being over really, because you really can't think about anything else while that is going on, and like you say I found it horrendous too. I'm glad if you are feeling a bit better today. I found it does get easier day by day, though I still feel very sad about the baby.

I have a charm bracelet that DH bought me after I had DD1, as her birth was really traumatic. Every time it is her or DD2's birthday we put a charm on it. Yesterday we got a charm for the baby we lost - it is very pretty, a little silver star with crystals, it seemed very appropriate.

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BeattieBow · 15/07/2011 13:02

catsy I know you posted on my thread a couple of days ago, but I wanted to say that what happened to you happened to me last year (forceps and all). It was awful - I hadn't heard of this happening to anyone else before and I'm sorry it happened to you too. I was also rushed to hospital and needed a blood transfusion. Blood loss made feel crap for weeks. so i guess I'm saying, take care of yourself - it took me months to get over that traumatic event and I had flashbacks for ages.

(mc this time, although hideous is much better in comparision - touch wood as it hasn't finished yet).

babysaurus · 15/07/2011 12:54

Hi all, I think I may have a bit of sadness to come but, currently, feel reasonably okay. I am glad I am not in the position I was in last week anyway (the horrendous waiting!) The lovely gynea doc who treated me when I was at my worst on Wednesday night / Thursday morning said, as she went off shift at 8am, 'hopefully the next time I see you it will be because I am helping deliver your beautiful baby' which I thought was a wonderful thing to say. Lets hope she's right, eh?!
Retail therapy sounds fab - shame I'm so skint!

Catsycat · 14/07/2011 21:46

Hi Babysaurus, I saw your other thread. I'm really sorry - it is very frightening bleeding so heavily. How awful it got to the point of haemorrhaging. Wishing you a speedy physical recovery , and hope you can move forward now xx

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Mama5isalive · 14/07/2011 21:15

ahhhhhh BabyS- im so so sorry that you had to go through the pain and my gosh word wont be enough to express how your feeling mind,spirit and soul!!!!
be kind to yourself its much easier said then done but 1 day at a time is all you can do!
CC - B.Midwfe came today we chatted and it really did help, if others havent thought about talking to a pro please reconsider, it was good to get the real facts and understand that i had 12 weeks of feeling pregnant and i cant expect my feelings to just go just because im not pregnant anymore!
done some good retail therepy online today cant wait to get them try and most probs send back knowing me!!!!!( LOL)

babysaurus · 14/07/2011 19:57

Hi all,
keeping this brief for reasons that will be obvious in a sec. I posted in the link below.
Here
Will write when feeling better. Hope everyone's okay too xx

Catsycat · 13/07/2011 20:58

Hi mama5. People ignoring what happened must be really awful. My friend had a still birth at 38 weeks (before I knew her) and she had people cross the road to avoid talking about it afterwards...

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Mama5isalive · 13/07/2011 20:47

Hi CC - how are you, the people around me are just not talking about it and i think thats what bothering me the most sometimes, if i was still pregnant they would be asking me how im feeling etc, but now baby has gone would be (15 weeks now) its the dreaded silence or totally not saying what they are really thinking.
how you today Babys- ? hope your ok today!
still not ready to go to work but dont know when i can tell them really of me returning!

Catsycat · 13/07/2011 14:38

How are you all doing today?

Babysaurus, I hope you are OK.

Mama5, I don't think it's fair for anyone to expect you to bounce back from a mc, even though you obviously do have strong faith. I don't think it diminishes your faith that you are finding it tough right now, and I don't think anyone would not find it tough after what has happened to you. For myself, I am an atheist/humanist, and have a lot of faith (and find comfort) in evolution, science etc, so you would think the whole "there was a probably a chromosomal abnormality, it wasn't developing properly" point of view would bring some meaning to what happened. However, I am also finding it very hard. I think whatever religious / philosophical stand point you take, it is just a horrible situation. I do hope your book will bring you some comfort, and a way to work through your grief. xx

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Mama5isalive · 12/07/2011 00:30

yes BabyS - all the best for the rescan - pray all is well so you can heal and move forwards taking it day by day!
Hi CC - yes my church is bursting with pregnant women everywhere, its hard but im getting better cant wait for my book to arrive to help me through this all its a christian book on miscarriages and baby loss!
I guess im a bit fed up of people expecting me to stay strong because i have a strong faith but i wanna scream sometimes because everywhere i look its just constant reminders and the fact that my christmas wont be full me buying new stuff for my baby!!!!!

Catsycat · 11/07/2011 22:04

Hi Babysaurus. Sorry you're feeling so bad right now. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and of course we'll be here if you need to talk afterwards... xx

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babysaurus · 11/07/2011 21:48

One day at a time indeed. How is everyone today? I have my re scan tomorrow so currently feel crap. Absolutely crap. Am hoping that once today is over with I can start trying to move on and look forwards instead of backwards.
Hey, lets hope we all meet again very soon on some of the ante-natal boards, eh? x

Catsycat · 11/07/2011 15:42

Hi Babysaurus and Mama5. Eyelash tinting scares me to death, so well done for having it done! I only had it done once, nearly had a panic attack, and then you couldn't even see it :( other people I knew had done it, and it looked lovely on them. I did have one of those fish pedicures the other week, which was really hilarious. A bit odd as well, because I really didn't feel like laughing, but could hardly stop myself because it tickled so much.

Sounds like your Church is packed with babies, Mama5. It must be a bit full on for you at the moment. I hope it will get easier for you soon... One day at a time...

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Mama5isalive · 11/07/2011 00:13

Hope you are all well today!
church was emotional announced today that we have double figures of upcoming births and i thought" oh wow i was in that number!"
i have some close friends pregnant and 1 has 8 weeks to go another 9 weeks and another 10 weeks and all i was thinking was i was counting my weeks like that but now i stop and counting weeks from my loss like that!
The sunshine was fab today and it put all in a really good mood!
hope your day went well - big hugs to all xxxx

babysaurus · 08/07/2011 23:29

Oooh, fancy seeing you two here Catsycat and Mama5

I went and had an eyelash tint and eyebrow wax today and plan to book a haircut as soon as I feel capable of not busting into tears at random intervals. Great minds must think alike, eh?!

Catsycat · 08/07/2011 20:27

Hi Mama5. I've lost weight too (I even had to throw away a cake as it went out of date!!!!), and also ordered a bit too much from the Boden sale - guess I'm trying to make a new me too. Off to the hairdressers next saturday, but think I'll just get my (grey) roots done and a good trim. My hair is looking pretty rough, as I had to cancel my last appointment - it was on the day I started bleeding :( Funny how we're both doing similar things - all part of being kind to ourselves I think, so must be a good thing!

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Mama5isalive · 07/07/2011 23:36

CC- yes i am taking it easy and so glad for my room looks better!
still waiting to hear from the MW to call me!
yes so glad physical healing is well on its way, emotional healing is up and down!
dont know if im mad but i really want the physical change to be on the outside too so i have changed my hairstyle looking at a new way for me to lose weight quickly i have cut down my food intake and really feel better for it! i want to be so far from my mummy body that no one will have to asked again if im pregnant!!!!!!!!

Catsycat · 06/07/2011 22:15

Hi Mama5. I'm glad the midwife was nice, hope you'll be sorted out and feeling physically better soon (though of course emotionally it'll be a long road). Hope you haven't tired yourself out too much with the housework. Remember to take it a bit easy too... take care x

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Mama5isalive · 06/07/2011 11:18

oh CC - i called and the midwife sounded so nice and knew how im feeling!
awaiting phonecall for an appointment right now, she asked if i would be ok returning to the hospital which was nice i said as long as im nowhere near that part of the hospital i should be fine! fingers crossed!
decided to change my room around needed the change i wish i never started so much stuff, came across loads of baby stuff bined it all!
no more bleeding or pain thank God!

Catsycat · 04/07/2011 22:47

Hi Mama5, I hope you're OK - did you speak to the ERPC? I don't know how I'll take the pregnant women at DD2's baby group next week - not looking forward to it, it must have been difficult for you with the woman at church.

Feeling a bit better today, so sorry for whinging and being stupid on previous post, especailly as so many people have had it much worse than me - must have sounded a right cow! Went to test drive a new car and then off to Ikea, so have taken my mind off it all a bit today (only temporarily, I'm sure, I'm not that shallow!!!). DD1 and 2 were being really funny and cute too, which was very nice!

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Mama5isalive · 03/07/2011 18:35

oh Catsycat - i really think you need to get your doctor to let you see someone because if it is a problem and it can be corrected it will give you more hope and you can then about your future!
I felt quite sad today was at church and i thought right today is my last time im going to talk about it, then a fairly new pregnant women came up and told me she found out when she was 8 weeks and all i thought was yeh and my baby died at 9/10 weeks! i felt happy for her but still so sad for myself! i just want to fast forwards to next year now so all can have their babies and i can just close that chapter in my life once and for all. im still getting people telling me how sorry they are and i think not as sorry as me!
CC and the others - hard and harder day at first i guess! then not so hard and easier for the rest until good & bad days!!!!!!!!
I just want my body back now! bleeding on friday then nothing again but little pains in my stomach and in my back! i need to call the ERPC unit again tomo i think!

Catsycat · 03/07/2011 12:08

Hi babytantrums, thanks for your message. It's horrible isn't it. The forceps was particularly nasty, especially as I just wasn't expecting it.

I had 3 lots of prostins (the pessaries) with DD1 over 2 days, loads of pain but no real contractions, then 1 day 9am-9pm on the drip, which got me to 2-3cm, no more. Then I had an emergency c-section. I really wanted a water birth at home, which was all set up - when I got home I just kept going into the room with the pool and crying, until DH cleared it away. With DD2, I tried for a VBAC, found a lovely midwife who did about 6 stretch and sweeps from 37 weeks on. I did go into labour, but again 3 days of irregular contractions and an emergency section, as I only got 2-3cm dilated after all that. I was going to give up and have a planned c-section this time - but obviously it never got that far. I didn't think there was actually anything wrong with my cervix until the mc - my friend just thought I was such a perfectionist about the birth that it stopped it happening, and I tended to agree - but now I think there is really something wrong with me. All I wanted was to have children, and I never really bothered with a career because I always envisaged giving it up to have DC, so it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to realise I wasn't intended for this after all.

Ignore me, just feeling miserable, can't see at the moment how I'll ever feel OK again.

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babytantrums · 02/07/2011 16:01

HI Catsycat

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your experience sounds similar to mine - loads of bleeding, passing out 4 times (after being on the toilet for hours as pads couldn't contain it) low blood pressure, feeling very hot, then very, very cold and clammy, eventually being taken to hospital in an ambulance, then the forceps clearing large clots out of the way.. lovely. Mine doesn't sound as severe as yours - I think they only gave me a couple of litres. Funnily enough, I also had problems with my cervix opening when I had my DC. They used the gel (which did nothing) then induced me and apparently had to turn the drip up higher than the midwives had ever seen it. Iin the end, I gave birth naturally. I think my cervix must just be lazy.

Like you though, the hospital were lovely and really looked after me. My red blood count is still really low 5 weeks later, so make sure you look after yourself! Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Catsycat · 02/07/2011 10:30

Hi Mama5 I'm with you on the vein thing - looks like we are vein buddies! I had one drip in my wrist, and one in the other hand. One arm is still swollen (like Popeye), the other has a huge purple and green bruise down it. Lovely - at least DD1 is impressed with the bruise.

I'm glad you have a nice GP - you certainly deserve it after the time you had in hospital. I think you should ask for more time off if you need it.

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