Am trying to think positively but finding it hard...

[alwaysindoubt]

I feel I know the script. See divorce as an opportunity to create new life etc. Rediscover the old you or the new you. But I feel devastated, as if I've been clubbed over the head.
Twenty years down the pan. A godawful mess. And he's off with a youngster. She seems like a youngster to me anyway.

[JeezyPeeps]

How long has it been? I left my ex, my choice (there were many issues, including his dope smoking and the fact that I was always going to be the breadwinner as he doesn't want to work), and despite the fact that it was my choice, and the right choice, and I have found a great house etc - I still feel it hard, and its over two months since I told him I was leaving.

I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you. it is going to take time - people liken it to grieving, and I think there is something in that. You need to be patient with yourself, allow yourself time to come to terms with the end of the relationship - until that has happened you won't be able to move on.

Although I would say at the same time as you are going through this, make sure you connect with your friends and family as they can give you the support you need, to know that you are still loved and supported. it is easy to try and close yourself off, but you need to allow yourself to be supported. Its not easy, and it will help if you don't feel alone.

[alwaysindoubt]

Thank you. I am sure you are right but it doesn't feel right. I don't feel okay in this world of couples.

It's been since last September but really we have been separating in many ways for longer. He is now with the woman he thought was worth more than his 20-year marriage, his family, his honesty and his integrity. As far as I can see, he's really really happy. And I know it's none of my business and I'm better off without him but it bothers me.

[JeezyPeeps]

Of course it bothers you! And you shouldn't feel bad because it does.

First rule - be kind to yourself.

Think about how you would be if your best mate was going through this. What would you say to her in the same situation?

How does that compare to what you say to yourself about the situation? Would you be kinder to your mate than you are to yourself? Would you allow your friend more time without being harsh than you allow yourself?

Start treating yourself like the friend you should be and not the critic you can be - and take one day at a time!

[DoulaKate]

This must seem devastating to you at the moment. However, this world is not full of couples.. it like when you desperately want to be pregnant...all you seem to see are pregnant women walking around!! As Jeezypeeps said, don't be afraid to lean on people and talk about your concerns and anger/disappointment, I imagine it won't feel right to you at the moment, after all you were married for 20 years, that must take some time to get over! You say you know you're better off without him...are you at a stage yet where you can talk about what you're planning to do next in your own life, something positive to aim for? I might be wrong, but you think he's really really happy, which you're paying attention to and understandably, this will annoy you if you're comparing his "new" life with your marriage with him. If you can detach your thoughts about his decisions and not think about comparisons, you'll be able to move on, otherwise you'll go round and round in circles with unanswered questions. Remember there are always people here to chat to or scream at!! Hope you don't feel I'm butting in, but your thread touched me. Sounds a bit cliched, but I bet you've got some amazing strengths bubbling under the surface which just need a bit of time and healing before they can be released again.

[alwaysindoubt]

Thank you all for your support.
I don't know what stage I'm at. Pretty miserable today. Occasionally, I have moments when I think we will get through it, that I will bring my little family safely through the storm. But just as often, I feel wretched. it's the dismantling of 20 years. And I know this sounds wet but I don't have any sense of who I might be or what I might want. I make plans for things to do with the children but they feel inauthentic in some way. As if I;'m going through the motions of being brave and looking foward.

[DoulaKate]

You don't sound wet! I expect it all still feels a bit "numb", hence you're feeling that things are inauthentic and not sure of yourself. Although I think these forums offer an outlet in some respects, do you have someone you can really talk this through with? You're going through a tough time and not matter how brave or organised you may appear on the outside, I think that a counsellor or a friend who is a good listener will really help you.

It's easy for people or friends to offer advice, but sometimes that can be harmful as this is something you need to work on yourself, and a counsellor will be able to show you how.

There's always people here to chat with and have a good scream and rant with when you feel like it!

[cestlavielife]

it really helps to see a counsellor or get onto a separated and divorced thing eg something like www.drw.org.uk/

[Megancleo]

alwaysindoubt, its too early for that script.you were together 20 years, give yourself time to grieve that things didn't work out..I guess its just important in the big plan of things. My marriage broke up after 22 years(had been rotten for a very long time though)and now its been seven monthes of some good and some very bad days whilst I try to get used to the idea that 3dc and I are also an intact family. Today I did something amazing(given the secluded life I've led the last 10 years) and it might help to share it with you , I went to a single parents workshop about looking after yourself, yes jeezypeeps, learning to be your best mate. We had to do lots of imaginary things like wearing magic glasses that only allows you to see the best of people and then looking in the mirror to see what we could see about ourselves. Me? I could only cry because I was unable to see anything good anymore and I realised that had been for 7 monthes now. Instead i was confronted with my inner guilt that I was unable to make our marriage better, my guilt part for our failed marriage. Grief, I'm going to have to work on that..very thankful for the course, new lone parents i met and guess what, I'm finally moving on! yes,today I didn't feel like i'd been clubbed over the head but its taken seven monthes... yourself time, be Do give yourself time thoughnNot easy is it but all part of moving on, learning to values being forgiving ourselves so now its really time to face up to my guilt, forgive myself, finally be good to myself again and move on me thinks.b and move onLately IThe wholrontsfor my marriageeverything i had probably l that i feelings that i had failed as a onpart for what had gone wrong in our marriage.It was

[gillybean2]

It really hasn't been that long yet. I know it may feel like you should be over him by now and moving on with your life but these things happen slowly. It will happen one day. Just be the best mum you can in the mean time.

A general rule of thumb is it takes one week for every month together. so you're looking at a good 4-5 years (by my calculations on that) before things will be well and truly past for you. Don't dispair at that. Just accept it is a healing process that needs time.

And yes the world does look like it's full of happy couples everywhere. But in reality a lot of couples are deeply unhappy. You will start to realise that in time too.

But for now, just take each day one at a time, be strong for yourself and your children, and be the best mum you can be each and every day. Things do get better, I promise, but you must give it time. Lots of time.

[alwaysindoubt]

Four to five years! Gulp. He's in a relationship. Planning on getting remarried and thinking of having more chlidren. I'm still having dreams that we get back together. Dear dear girls. What am I going to do? What on earth am I going to do?

[without]

I know this sounds harsh, but you just have to be strong and take each day as it comes...little steps....

You say you dream of him returning but would you really want that; would you be Ok with the lack of trust and loss of respect?

Be kind to yourself, give yourself time as in time it will get easier. And 'fake it til you make it'...there's nothing wrong with going through the motions, as feeling disengaged is normal in grief. Talk to your kids though, and help each other through this tough time. It won't hurt them to know it's hard for you.
Good luck