What happens if you divorce and you have no financial means of your own

[hereidrawtheline]

I'm a SAHM of a DS who has SN. I also have really bad migraines that prevent me from working classic jobs. I am writing and hope to get paid commissions soon.

I was just wondering what would happen to me and DS if DH and I divorced. I have no family here or friends of my own I am American. DH is the sole earner. We rent a house.

I very much doubt it will happen because I usually get persuaded out of this thinking but I am steaming angry at the moment and fed up and wondering if my life would indeed be the hell hole I fear it would.

Sorry if this post is offensive in any way I am really trying to find out what my options are and cant be bothered to namechange. TIA.

[gettingagrip]

"He thinks a big part of the problem is that I spend too much time on the laptop"

"....our happiness seems to depend on (me)"

".....I suppose it is the compromise I have to make"

So it's all your fault then is it?

What counselling is he going to have?

Have a look at this

and this

Why should he change? What's in it for him to change?

Take some time to look after yourself. Do you have any friends you can meet up with and just have a coffee or something?

Take baby steps to your own happiness, and your DCs.

Keep posting

Many women on here have been in your shoes.

xxxxx

[hereidrawtheline]

thanks gettingagrip. I hope you take what I am saying here at face value: thank you for trying to help me. I know you are doing it because you care and you believe in it. I am just still not sure it applies to me. I dont want to sound ungrateful for your help though. DH is truly very very good most of the time and I just have a hard time maintaining anger over the issues I have discussed here. I mean I get angry in a cyclical way I think. He may do a bout of several things like this in a short amount of time and by the end of it I am steaming mad. And I want him to leave. Me and DS leaving is out of the question because of DS's SN.

TBH I do think he and I have a big problem but it really only affects me negatively, and even at that only sometimes. So I basically dont know if it is worth it to force a separation. That might sound appalling but like everyone I have choices to make. I am not from this country, my friends are in the main his friends and family, I have no income, I dont drive, DS has SN, I have my own health problems.

I think what I am trying to say is that I have to really keep hoping things will improve rather than me just leaving the things that are in existence. Because as I said earlier it has to be easier in our circumstances to make a go of things than sever all ties.

I do think though I would force him to leave if he did not get counselling again. I am willing to stay and work on it for all of our best interests but not unless he does a major overhaul.

[sunshine13]

Instead of thinking of leaving, why dont you sit down and talk about things? maybe even go to counselling?

If you both want things to work out- there will be a way.

My experience is that I went to counselling but ended up leaving due to the fact that my ex had a diagnosed mental disorder that he refused to get help for. I had no money either & it was a really tough choice as I knew that leaving I would be comitting financial scuicide. But my experience is differnet as I no kids were involved (thank GOD).

You two are married- I assume that must have meant something to you both at one time (rather than stomping around in a meringue) . Im pretty sure there was something in the vows about being together till "death do you part".

[hereidrawtheline]

yes as I said we are working on it.

[cestlavielife]

"But I am not abusing you, I have stood by you and cared for you (due to my migraines) and loved you, and I do this for you and that for you, I tell you how beautiful you are, I never go out, I dont want anything but you and DS. You and DS are everything to me, I love you, I'm sorry I'm an idiot. Let me keep working on it please. "

classic lines...he is controlling the situation. putting you on a pedestal -"cant live without you" - typical controlling behaviour...

the best thing you can do is go to counselling - go together to relate - if he agrees and is willing - but be aware he might try to manipulate that too;

and more importantly - go on your own too.

it is when someone asks you the right questions that you can think properly.

you do have a choice - it is not unreasonable to expect 99.9 per cent good - accepting 20 per cent bad is sellingyourself short. i did it for years. now moved on an no regrets!

[lostdad]

He could just love her and not want to lose her, but maybe I'm just an old romantic.

Not all men are paid up members of the `Worldwide Cabal Evil Male Patriarchy to Keep Women Under Control'.

[gettingagrip]

Did anyone say that all men are members of the `Worldwide Cabal Evil Male Patriarchy to Keep Women Under Control'?

No-one that I can see.

What I can see are people who are trying to help, by putting information in the way of the OP. She can act on it or not, as she wishes.

Just because you are an old romantic, whatever that is, does not mean that there are not people out there with personality disorders causing hell on earth for their partners.

So a right back atcha.

Patronising and sweeping statements like that help no-one.

[cestlavielife]

of course lostdad... and there will probably be room for give and take on both sides...

and i think people have been suggesting counselling / relate / talk about it...

but the "i cant live without you" / "i dont want to lose you" line becomes a warning sign in certain situations.

in some cases it is romantic....in other cases it sets alarm bells ringing . is it all about him? is it selfless or selfish?

the difficulty is knowing when it IS romance and when it is not...

my ex said he did not want to lose me - and he "loved " me - so much so he pushed and shoved me and smashed my house up - just to prove his point!!

"but i love you" was his mantra...

duh...

takes all sorts...