What happens if you divorce and you have no financial means of your own

[hereidrawtheline]

I'm a SAHM of a DS who has SN. I also have really bad migraines that prevent me from working classic jobs. I am writing and hope to get paid commissions soon.

I was just wondering what would happen to me and DS if DH and I divorced. I have no family here or friends of my own I am American. DH is the sole earner. We rent a house.

I very much doubt it will happen because I usually get persuaded out of this thinking but I am steaming angry at the moment and fed up and wondering if my life would indeed be the hell hole I fear it would.

Sorry if this post is offensive in any way I am really trying to find out what my options are and cant be bothered to namechange. TIA.

[cestlavielife]

of course lostdad... and there will probably be room for give and take on both sides...

and i think people have been suggesting counselling / relate / talk about it...

but the "i cant live without you" / "i dont want to lose you" line becomes a warning sign in certain situations.

in some cases it is romantic....in other cases it sets alarm bells ringing . is it all about him? is it selfless or selfish?

the difficulty is knowing when it IS romance and when it is not...

my ex said he did not want to lose me - and he "loved " me - so much so he pushed and shoved me and smashed my house up - just to prove his point!!

"but i love you" was his mantra...

duh...

takes all sorts...

[gettingagrip]

Did anyone say that all men are members of the `Worldwide Cabal Evil Male Patriarchy to Keep Women Under Control'?

No-one that I can see.

What I can see are people who are trying to help, by putting information in the way of the OP. She can act on it or not, as she wishes.

Just because you are an old romantic, whatever that is, does not mean that there are not people out there with personality disorders causing hell on earth for their partners.

So a right back atcha.

Patronising and sweeping statements like that help no-one.

[lostdad]

He could just love her and not want to lose her, but maybe I'm just an old romantic.

Not all men are paid up members of the `Worldwide Cabal Evil Male Patriarchy to Keep Women Under Control'.

[cestlavielife]

"But I am not abusing you, I have stood by you and cared for you (due to my migraines) and loved you, and I do this for you and that for you, I tell you how beautiful you are, I never go out, I dont want anything but you and DS. You and DS are everything to me, I love you, I'm sorry I'm an idiot. Let me keep working on it please. "

classic lines...he is controlling the situation. putting you on a pedestal -"cant live without you" - typical controlling behaviour...

the best thing you can do is go to counselling - go together to relate - if he agrees and is willing - but be aware he might try to manipulate that too;

and more importantly - go on your own too.

it is when someone asks you the right questions that you can think properly.

you do have a choice - it is not unreasonable to expect 99.9 per cent good - accepting 20 per cent bad is sellingyourself short. i did it for years. now moved on an no regrets!

[hereidrawtheline]

yes as I said we are working on it.

[sunshine13]

Instead of thinking of leaving, why dont you sit down and talk about things? maybe even go to counselling?

If you both want things to work out- there will be a way.

My experience is that I went to counselling but ended up leaving due to the fact that my ex had a diagnosed mental disorder that he refused to get help for. I had no money either & it was a really tough choice as I knew that leaving I would be comitting financial scuicide. But my experience is differnet as I no kids were involved (thank GOD).

You two are married- I assume that must have meant something to you both at one time (rather than stomping around in a meringue) . Im pretty sure there was something in the vows about being together till "death do you part".

[hereidrawtheline]

thanks gettingagrip. I hope you take what I am saying here at face value: thank you for trying to help me. I know you are doing it because you care and you believe in it. I am just still not sure it applies to me. I dont want to sound ungrateful for your help though. DH is truly very very good most of the time and I just have a hard time maintaining anger over the issues I have discussed here. I mean I get angry in a cyclical way I think. He may do a bout of several things like this in a short amount of time and by the end of it I am steaming mad. And I want him to leave. Me and DS leaving is out of the question because of DS's SN.

TBH I do think he and I have a big problem but it really only affects me negatively, and even at that only sometimes. So I basically dont know if it is worth it to force a separation. That might sound appalling but like everyone I have choices to make. I am not from this country, my friends are in the main his friends and family, I have no income, I dont drive, DS has SN, I have my own health problems.

I think what I am trying to say is that I have to really keep hoping things will improve rather than me just leaving the things that are in existence. Because as I said earlier it has to be easier in our circumstances to make a go of things than sever all ties.

I do think though I would force him to leave if he did not get counselling again. I am willing to stay and work on it for all of our best interests but not unless he does a major overhaul.

[gettingagrip]

"He thinks a big part of the problem is that I spend too much time on the laptop"

"....our happiness seems to depend on (me)"

".....I suppose it is the compromise I have to make"

So it's all your fault then is it?

What counselling is he going to have?

Have a look at this

and this

Why should he change? What's in it for him to change?

Take some time to look after yourself. Do you have any friends you can meet up with and just have a coffee or something?

Take baby steps to your own happiness, and your DCs.

Keep posting

Many women on here have been in your shoes.

xxxxx

[hereidrawtheline]

you are right about that SGB.

DS fell asleep in the car on the way home from the shops so DH and I argued in our driveway (in the car, no airing of dirty laundry for us )

I did say I wanted him to leave for several days so I could clear my head but he wont. Me and DS going anywhere is not an option because of DS's SN. So I could force it and force him to go so we could have a break (the only one ever in 8 years) but I doubt I will. I am not confident enough I guess. I do feel like my word is mud because I have asked him to go and he said no and I am not forcing him. But there you go. He has done all the usual things of sorry, promises etc. Can you tell I am bitter? And he is desperate to try again and he has booked in for counselling.

He thinks a big part of the problem is that I spend too much time on the laptop. This is not avoidable all the time because I am a writer on an Independent blog. But I suppose I shall have to cut down MN in the evenings, just I guess for the breaks from DS I take to have time on my own. Which is fair enough.

I really dont know how to feel or think right now. I do resent him at the moment and am not feeling really terribly generous emotionally. Which our happiness seems to depend on. But I guess I dont see a way out of it unless he changes. I cant leave and do all that entails with DS's SN in what is not even my country. And as DH isnt always bad, as I said its about 80%/20% I suppose it is the compromise I have to make. But he is going to go to counselling and I am sending him with a list of my concerns to the therapist because I know he wont say it as it is. So I will write down the things he does that undermines me etc so they know why he is actually there. Because I dont think just talking to him they would. Hopefully this will give him the ability to make a change. It is easier to stay together and fix things than divorce, unless the partner is very abusive.

Well I feel a bit tired and deflated tbh. I just want to be happy, thats all. I dont want atmospheres and stress. Thanks for listening.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Herei - I don't think you are lame at all. It's very, very hard and draining to live with a person like this, whether he's actively malevolent (which I suspect but of course I don't know the man) or just thoughtless and self-obsessed. Living with someone who contradicts you and puts you down all the time makes it harder and harder to trust your own judgement about anything.

[Nighbynight]

herei, its a tricky situation. Only you can decide the moment at which teh disadvantages outweigh the advantages of your relationship. But I will tell you that I had nice conversations with my ex h right up to the moment when I refused to open the door to ex h, because he was simply too violent to be allowed in my house any more.
There was always a fun side to him. Even now, we can have nice talks, even though I know that he is violent and controlling, and the children and me are better off if we have somewhere to live where he cant go.
It is not a simple, black and white situation, and can be difficult to see the wood for the trees.

[gettingagrip]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

This is the classic PD in which lack of empathy and gaslighting are defining features.

[hereidrawtheline]

sorry I have to dash atm we are going to buy DS his disco ball thingy - will be back later this afternoon & thanks for talking through it with me.

[hereidrawtheline]

sorry SGB I know I probably sound lame to you. I always admire your emotional integrity on threads wrt relationships etc. And I think I am the same but I cant seem to believe this of my own relationship. I just cant believe it, he seems sometimes gormless and immature and bullying and emotionally cowardly with the truth, all of these things. I'm just not sure they arent normal I guess. I mean I know no one is perfect. And I want to give him credit for all the good things. And I know he thinks I am too hard on him. I just dont know. I am really confused. I'm sorry if it makes you feel like you are bashing your head against the wall but I just dont know you are right and he is wrong. And it is my son's happiness on the line, either way. So I dont know what to do.

And of course I love him and we have a great laugh at times, he takes a great interest in my journalism and we love sci-fi and giggle over nonsense. So I just dont know. Its like living in a place of funhouse mirrors sometimes. I really do not know what I am looking at.

[gettingagrip]

Well the problem with personality disorders is that they are a PART of the person. Most people with personality disorders are not ALL bad or they would be psychopaths. And if they were bad all the time then of course you would run for the hills .

PDs are on a spectrum, and people can have more than one, or features of more than one.

Sadly, even if what he is doing is 'unconscious', and that is still being debated, it will never change because this is how he is.

Have a look at this www.mayoclinic.com/health/personality-disorders/ds00562
There are many sites and support groups around.

If he does have a PD, then you cannot change him, and it is not your fault.

What is his family background?

[SolidGoldBrass]

FFS HereIdraw this man is a classic emotional abuser. 'No one else understands... OUr relationship is so special and different.... I am never going to sotp psetering you for attention and bullying you till I get my own way over every tiny little thing... telling you how much I love you while setting traps for you, denying your feelings, even depriving you of food is just a demonstration of how I feel...'
Undiagnosed special need my arse. What he needs is a kick in the cock.

[hereidrawtheline]

gettingagrip I can see the parallels there yes. And this may make me sound silly to MNers but I cant believe he would do anything malicious towards me, I cant believe he is even capable of enough planning ahead to consciously manipulate me. He seems so oblivious to these things.

I have posted on MN under different names in the past over some problems like this and shown him the threads which suggest such forms of unhealthy relationship etc and he says, he can see how someone would draw those comparisons, if they didnt know him. But that some people want to see abuse where there is just love and worry and stupidity of conveying himself (i.e. how he gets all this shit wrong) and he says, hands up, I'm an idiot. But I am not abusing you, I have stood by you and cared for you (due to my migraines) and loved you, and I do this for you and that for you, I tell you how beautiful you are, I never go out, I dont want anything but you and DS. You and DS are everything to me, I love you, I'm sorry I'm an idiot. Let me keep working on it please.

And I know it may sound naive to you but I just (usually) cant believe that what he says isnt true. I mean, he is 80% great husband and 20% horrible twister of facts. And he does just claim a complete emotional ineptness.

I sometimes worry that he has some sort of undiagnosed special need. I dont think AS but something that seems to prevent him from being able to reflect on his own actions and how they affect others.

I am so confused and more than a little embarrassed that I've posted this under my real name.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Hereidraw: your H is emotionally abusive. This behaviour is deliberate. It's textbook stuff designed to undermine you and make you look bad. Bascially it is all about power and control, by manipulating you he makes himself feel good. There is no changing a person like this so you need to look into all the legal/financial aspects of getting rid of him.

[gettingagrip]

Have a look at this

see if it rings a few bells

[hereidrawtheline]

I feel really guilty for badmouthing him like this. He is also very very loyal and helpful with what I want to do for myself, like with my writing. And he arranged a fab surprise holiday for my birthday etc.

[hereidrawtheline]

he also is a bit of a bully but usually in the way that his "motives" are good. Like when we argue or I am really upset with him and I say I want a few mins on my own to calm down he will follow me around and badger me trying to get me to talk to him "because he doesnt want to argue" etc. But I need to be left alone for a few mins. I will say this, clearly, and on the 2nd or 3rd time I will shout it because I start to lose my temper and then he looks really wounded that I have shouted and sort of steps back with his hands up, like "whoa" and I am like wtf I have after all been SAYING I need to be left alone! Not followed around the bloody house with you asking me questions.

[BonsoirAnna]

He sounds childish - does not do the big things in life and wants the little things all his own way.

[hereidrawtheline]

no he is not impulsive at all. he would not usually act unless acted upon with big things, important things, new things. But with considering mine & DS's feelings he is selfish to a fault at times. He just carries on like a bloody bull in a china shop and I get walked on, in the nicest possible way.

[BonsoirAnna]

You don't sound stupid at all.

Your DH sounds as if he lives in the minute and doesn't consider the impact his actions that suit him right now will have on others or indeed on himself in the long term. Is he impulsive in other ways?

[hereidrawtheline]

I'll sound really stupid if I do.

yesterday he gave DS a present I had thought up, plastic guttering to use as a slide for his cars, while I was having a short break in my room, even though I got these weeks ago and said I was saving them as a treat for DS and I wanted to give it to him. He said when I got up and saw and was clearly disappointed "I assumed you would have known I did" how? how could I have known you gave him my present when 2 days ago I said I couldnt wait to give it at the weekend? I am not omnipotent.

This morning he we wake up, he always does breakfast at the weekend. I said I was going to eat mine in bed as I wanted a short time to myself, DS is SN as I said and very full on and this is my weekly treat. He made him and DS breakfast, and brought me a cup of tea. Then I realise he and DS were sat in the living room eating and I hadnt had any food. So I said, could I have some as well please? and was quite and he said "oh I just assumed you wouldnt want any" which is bizarre because I never ever skip breakfast it makes me ill.

He "assumes" a lot of things like this. Last night I said after hours of research "I think DS has aspergers after all I want to talk about x,y and z to his pead" and he made this really exaggerated face of scorn and astonishment like I was talking gibberish and said "yes but yesterday CAHMS said it was absolutely 100% ruled out, are you saying he, the expert, is wrong?" And I had to deep breath and I said "he did not say it was ruled out, he said he wasnt ruling anything out and that it was unlikely but still to be considered" He then said "oh well whatever I cant be expected to remember everything like a computer" and I said "yes but you said that as if you did remember... " and I was clearly annoyed because this is so fucking typical, he makes a big statement founded on bullshit and I call him on it and then he gets his back up and says "well how should I know" So then he said he should not be attacked by me because he couldnt remember!!!!

And I said, yes but you didnt say you couldnt remember, you said with conviction it was a definite, that is another thing. And I am not attacking you, I am defending myself because you just talked to me like I was a moron and it turns out you were talking a load of hot air

It sounds stupid I know. And he can go a while without making a complete ass out of himself I am sure. But he goes through phases, weeks and weeks where he is so combative.

DS hasnt been sleeping at all. I got the idea to get him a revolving disco light thing for his room to give him something to look at and relax him. I found, thanks to some lovely MNers a great one for not too much money. Then, DS, strangely, slept last night. So this morning DH looks at me like I've sprouted a second head because I mentioned going to the shop to buy this thing. "but he slept last night" um... yes. But he most often doesnt. it is about £10. Why not just get it because odds are 90% in our favour he wont sleep tonight. It is like as soon as any one thing happens, his memory of everything that came before is wiped.