He only wants dd for *proper* lengths of time - where do I/ should I stand?

[notevenamousie]

I had to move for work - really had to, before XP and I split up. We have a 2 year old DD. The money for him to travel here to see her 3 weekends every two months is taken out of my maintenance (as I think that's what CSA would say) and so what I get is pretty negligible, but she has seen him and loves Daddy, and he is reliable as a carer for her.

He doesn't want to keep doing that. He wants her for one or two (seperate) weeks every two months. At his (or mostly, his girlfriends), because weekends aren't convenient.

I want him to see her, and I have to work at the weekends so currently he has been having her for all of those, I could possibly swap them into these weeks that he wants. Is it good for our DD though? The last two times he has had her for longer (for 5 days ish) she has come home really unsettled, regressing, etc.

I want to do the best for my girl - but not sure what it is? Any advice very welcome.

[gillybean2]

I don't see it as unsustainable. Half term or school hols come up every 6 weeks or so. I think it is a bit of a drastic change at what is still a young age. Little and often is what CAFCASS recommend for contact with young children. It might seriously disrupt your dd's routine and sense of well being at this age.

I would say think ahead and will you want your ex to have every single half term as well as a week at east and xmas and a large chunk of the summer hols every year? In all likelyhood you will share them, perhaps having half of each half term and half the other holidays. So adding a few extra days on her and there might be a starting point.

Look at increasing slightly and seeing how it goes for you all. I mean the first consideration is can he actually get the time off work to do this? He might think and actually really want this arrangement, but whether it is sustainable for him as far as work commitments and his social life goes is another matter. He would likely have to change his work arrangements to do this.

Perhaps suggest an extra day once every other time he has her to start with (like it might be if it was a bank holiday weekend). And then in six months time look at perhaps increasing by an extra day and dropping the weekends to twice a month but from friday-monday, or sat-tue perhaps.

And also tell him of the issues where you feel there are problems with regression and your dd being unsettled on return as routines are different. Don't make him feel as if you are getting at him as he will immediately be on teh defensive, just say that you feel it is an issue and with longer time at each home it needs addressing so you feel happier moving towards this situation.

Ask if you can come up with some middle ground where certain routines, like bed time, tv and 'treat foods' are more in line at both homes. Also perhaps suggest other ways of having contact on the weekends he doesn't see dd. Such as webcam conversation, telephone, or writting letters. You can then ask for the same while dd is with him when the weekends start to stretch into 3 and 4 days.

Out of interest, why did you mention the money aspect of the situation? Are you thinking that with less traveling you might end up with more maintenance from your ex? Bear in mind that he might suggest a reduction for the number of extra days he will be having dd and the extra expenses incurred. Try and put the money side of it aside and think about what is best for your dd and what she would want and benefit from. At this age it is probably frequent contact. Moving forward it could well be longer contact.

And as you said you might have more opportunity to work extra hours with an arrangement like this. Ao you could have more money coming in as a result of it. So it might mean you are better off in that respect even if your maintenence situation doesn't change.

Best wishes
Gilly

[nkf]

It's an unsustainable arrangement. What's wrong with the current system?

[LadyPinkOfPinkerton]

The main thing here is to think long term. She won't be able to do this when she is at Nursery or school, so whatever you do needs to be withthat in mind. You don't want to keep changing things for her