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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!

46 replies

fawkeoff · 19/07/2008 13:42

so he has informed me that he is getting married to his girlfriend of 2 months.......but this is the cracker, let me explain

When we got together he told me that a girl he had been seeing was pregnant but he didnt think the baby was his
i was only 16 at the time, naive believed him and that was that...........

so since we have split he has got in contact with her and started seeing her and has apparently stopped because SHE HAS FOUND ME ON FACEBOOK.....sent me a huge post

i have seen the little girl on her pics and she is the spitting image of him!!!!!!!

WHAT DO I DO

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Original poster

fawkeoff · 19/07/2008 21:17

i have emailed her.....told her as nuch as im sorry about the sitation it is none of my business, and that i wasnt surprised by the way of his behaviour.

i just cant be arsed with him anymore, i dont understand how i ever thought i knew that man, i clearly do not

i also hope his new girlfriend realises what she is taking on......a man with 2-3 kids, she will fall for the bullshit because i did

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prettyfly1 · 19/07/2008 21:26

if his track record is anything to go by itll be more before long and then she will be facing the same shit. just do your best by your kids and forget the rest mate.

Original poster

fawkeoff · 20/07/2008 14:28

she wants to meet me now!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just cant believe it........i am truly torn

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solo · 20/07/2008 14:48

I contacted my Ds's half sisters mum a few years ago. Ds was 3 1/2, his 1/2 sis was 17. I wrote a letter explaining what was what and sent a few pictures and basically gave them the choice. They chose to meet and we did. We are miles apart in terms of not really the sames types of people IYSWIM. I get occasional text messages from the 1/2 sis, but Ds hasn't seen her now for 5 1/2 years. She now has 3 Dc's herself!!! Ds is very proud to have his nephews and niece, but we haven't had a picture or anything, so there is no real connection.
My Dd has a half sister as well(different)but, she refuses to acknowledge me or my Dd's existance. I suppose these things can work, but often don't. It's very sad.

Original poster

fawkeoff · 20/07/2008 17:28

tbh this isnt about me is it.....but i dont feel the need to involve my DC about it right now.
they have enough to cope with the fact that we aren't together anymore and with the inpending "wedding" i just dont know if it would be fair to tell them they have a sister.......but will there ever bee a right time.
i dont completely trust her intentions either......she also informed me that he blamed me for not seeing his daughter for nearly 7 years................
what's his excuse now though!!!
i am saying nothing more to him about it....he is a prick and does not acknowlege his daughter so it will be my decision to tell the childrenn about her

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Tinkerbel6 · 20/07/2008 18:27

fawkeoff I would be suspicious also, why does she want to meet you and why now ?? I think she is dragging you into an argument that isn't yours, its your ex's situation so let him deal with him, I don't think you children need this right now x

prettyfly1 · 20/07/2008 20:41

i think slightly different. maybe she is interested in her daughters siblings. this is up to you lovely. if you want to let it go explain the turmoil you have experienced and ask her to contact you in a year if not then meet her - alone no kids - ask her not to tell her daughter about it and have a chat. it may well be that now this has opened up she wants them to know each other and my big worry in this sitch is you do not want to be the one keeping siblings apart - it wil come back to bite you on the arse one day.

Original poster

fawkeoff · 20/07/2008 21:50

i dont want to keep anything from my kids....but i do not feel they are emotionally mature enough for this......especially with whats goin on right now.......and what happens if they meet ans she stops contact??????
i cannot make a decision like this on a whim........i jusy cant help thinking that nothing good will come of it.....maybe im being sceptical.....is this really my decision to make though?????

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prettyfly1 · 20/07/2008 22:40

fawke dont mistake what i am suggesting love. dont introduce them yet. why dont you try getting to know her first and see where you feel in a month or two. tis actually easier to introduce kids at yours age then when they are older but YOU need to be sure its the right thing to do first. take it one step at a time and if at any stage you are not comfortable leave it alone. at least then you can tell them you tried.

Original poster

fawkeoff · 21/07/2008 10:21

the thing that is ringing alarm bells is the fact that she wants me to keep it all a secret from my ex!!!!!!!!!

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littlewoman · 21/07/2008 10:32

I was just trying to imagine if I was this other woman.

Her child is nearly 7, your DD is 5. This means that she got dumped, had the baby, and then you and DH got together and had your DD really quite quickly afterwards (in the space of 2 years?)

He wasn't with her or the baby, but married you and lived with you with your baby. I imagine that was painful for her. Her child was hidden and abandoned and he loved yours (not going into the rights and wrongs of this at all. I'm just trying to imagine the thinking behind her actions).

She has contacted you after you and DH split up. She could have done so whilst you were together if her intentions were to cause trouble. But she didn't.

I think it's possible that her motivation is to have her child 'legitimised', if you like. She has been hidden, and Mum wants her brought into the light, and recognised by the rest of his family as a member of his family.

Tinkerbel6 · 21/07/2008 10:44

fawkeoff I think she is trying to get you on side, sounds like she is fuming with your ex and won't leave it at that, I would stay well out of it, and when your children are older and of an age to understand then tell them of their sibling.

littlewoman · 21/07/2008 10:53

I would certainly be fuming angry at first. I bet she still hates him to hell.

Agree she is trying to get you on side, but possibly as a kick in the teeth for the man who tried to hide her baby, rather than meaning it as trouble for you.

If I were you, I would want to know her motivation, definitely. If you met her on your own, or e-mailed her, you might be able to understand her reasons for doing this better.

prettyfly1 · 21/07/2008 14:52

my ex hid mine and there is no describing the pain and hurt that that causes on a daily basis. having her daughter recognised is probably her main issue. it was and is certainly mine -like me your ex has other kids he is perceived as having been there for his other kids- believe you me it is almost impossible not to take that very personally and the fact that he rejected her baby AGAIN has seen her spitting nails. I doubt very much she wants to hurt you - poss just wants to understand.

Original poster

fawkeoff · 21/07/2008 15:54

i understand that she must be really hurt.......i certainly would be

and i have emailed her ans expressed that i feel for her little girl, yes i knew she was pregnant when we got together.....but i was 15....i believed him.....i have seen pics of the little girl and she looks like him.......and if she wants her to be recognised as family.....she should have got in contact with his family.......not me....they are on facebook, she has met them when her daughter was a baby......it is not black and white. and yes i am uncomfortable by it.....i dont doubt that she is angry, but bringing me into it will not help things will it............i need to know her intentions

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littlewoman · 21/07/2008 21:29

Yes, agree, Fawkeoff. It's quite possible that joining forces with you will make her feel like she is now 'part of the family' (iykwim) and HE is now the outcast.

But you still need to know what the long term effects of this relationship with her family would be and what her intentions are. That's only sensible.

Original poster

fawkeoff · 21/07/2008 22:13

yes you're right, i think if i do meet her it will be without any of the kids.........her little girl has been through enough......we dont know each other from adam, she seems too trusting....but i am not i would not put the kids through any unnecessary hurt, they do not need to be introduced for them to not see each other again

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Original poster

fawkeoff · 21/07/2008 22:13

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Original poster

fawkeoff · 21/07/2008 22:17

i think if anything were to happen we would need to establish a mutual relationship.
It is not going to be easy for either of us.......but i really dont think that right now any children need to brought into the equation yet

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prettyfly1 · 22/07/2008 11:02

i think in your situation thats exactly what i would do. when my ex came back i also let his family come in - i was your the other woman in this equation - very trusting and desperate to have my little boy recognised as a legitimate part of the "family" - we ended up very badly hurt. you need to build the relationship yourself first!

littlewoman · 22/07/2008 12:32

That's very brave of you FawkeOff, specially since this is his mess. And really kind too. I hope it goes well for all of you.

for you, PrettyFly.

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