Handing the kids over twice a week every week is tearing me apart

[ChasingSquirrels]

and all I can see is it looming into the future, on and on and on.
They have just gone with their dad this morning, and I sat here and howled. I have now stopped howling but am unable to stop the tears seaping out and rolling down my face.
This is geting harder not easier.
It is bad enough that my husband, friend, lover who I have been with for nearly 17 years no longer wants to be with me, but to take my kids away from me aswell is so fucking horrible.
I know (I suppose) that it will get easier. But I hate it so much.

[ChasingSquirrels]

ycnbs - I think he already is.
I still don't think he deserves them, but that is totally NOT the point, he is their father - and they deserve to have a father. He is not a bad person and certainly isn't a bad father (albeit a pretty uninvolved on until now).

[youcannotbeserious]

CS - i just wanted to say, in relation to your last post: you might find in time that your exh is a better father than he would otherwise have been if you stayed together.

i am not trying to negate what's happening now, but my DSDs are teenagers now and i don't think my DH would be anywhere near as involved in thier lives had he stayed with his ex.

He makes sure the time he spends with them, he is there for them 100% and that wouldn't have happened imho...

i don't know why you exh wanted to leave but if he was very unhappy that would have a real effect on you and the kids too...

[ChasingSquirrels]

no lostdad, it isn't fair that you see your child so little, I don't know your circumstances and I personally don't think you should just get on with it just because you are a dad.
I know that I do feel that my ex doesn't deserve them, he didn't want them, he hasn't had alot to do with them but now he takes them away from me. I don't actually know if he does this out of love or duty, I think he hurts when he isn't with them, but I am pretty sure that he puts those feeling in a box and doesn't let them out much.
But I also know that MY feelings aren't the relevant ones in this situation, I will find a way to deal with them, our children's feelings are the ones that most need to be taken into account. And what is best for them.
I don't actually think that being switched between two lives is best for them, but I think it would be worse from them to lose their dad - so being switched between the two of us is the best of a bad situation.

They have just gone again - overnight. ds1 didn't want to go, got upset when he had to leave his friend's house (very unlike him), was upset when he got home and said a number of time, including when his dad arrived, that he didn't want to go.
BUT I know he will be ok once there, and I know that it is very important that he has regular contact with him dad.
But jollying him along into going is very difficult.

[talie101]

I could say those exact words ChasingSquirrels!

We are all individuals and you are either happy spending time away from your children or you are not....just down to individual characters whether you are male or female. Those that are happy away from their children do not understand the feelings of those that are not happy spending time away from their children, and vice versa.

I personally find it difficult even leaving my children with family, so this is not a personal issue against my exh!... just down to me as an individual who loves spending time with my children, and (in my case) sometimes feeling the pain of the children when they feel sad leaving their dad and having to lead two separate lives instead of one....again some children cope well with this and others don't....mine struggle! Do we really understand the pain that they go through? Mine are reluctant to discuss their sadness on leaving me when they go to dad, and dad when they come back to me for fear of hurting one of us!

There are some sh't mums who make it as difficult as possible for dads to see their children (for whatever reasons, be it spite or legitimate) and there are equally some sh't dads who make life difficult and cause unnecessary stress to all concerned, especially the children...(again for reasons of spite or legitimate)....and it seems we all get 'tarred' with the same brush!

Anyway, seem to have veared off the subject really but there is nothing wrong with feeling sad when your children are away from you... some of us find it extremely difficult and shouldn't be knocked back for feeling this way!

Try to keep smiling CS...I know it's difficult and I hope things do get easier for you x

[ChasingSquirrels]

At the moment - no, I don't look forward to that time on my own. I miss them dreadfully. Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean that it isn't a legitimate feeling.
I know that they should see their dad, I am facilitating this to the best of my ability, and he is, in reality, seeing more of them on average than he did when he lived at home.
It doesn't mean that I like it, or that it doesn't hurt, or that I don't miss them.
This is not the life that I wanted, for me or for my children.
I did not want and would never have envisaged that my children would grow up with their parents living separately.
I can see that in the future I may meet someone else, I may form a future with someone and a life together, or I may be happy but not in another relationship. But I will always regret that my children are going to spend the majority of their childhood split between two lives. And I will always regret that a relationship that lasted 17 years couldn't be made to work for the rest of my life.

[lostdad]

Sorry, should be `6 days in every 7'.

[lostdad]

What tears me up is the fact that I don't see my son whatsoever for 6 days in every 6 and from a couple of weeks' time is that with will change to 24 hours in every 14 days.

Still - as a dad I should `get on with it'.

[allgonebellyup]

i dont understand it when people get upset when their kids go to their dads' - i mean my ex dh really hurt me and got someone pregnant but i never resent him having the children every friday til sunday night.
He deserves just as much time with them as i do!
imo it should be a 50/50 share between the mother and the father when they split up.

Dont you look forward to the time to yourself at all??

[talie101]

Hi ChasingSquirrels,

I know exactly how you feel...I still get very tearful (afterwards) when my exh comes to pick up the dd's...and I'm nearly 4 years down the line. I just enjoy my time with them and it really feels like someone is taking them away from me. I let them go, like you do, as I realise the importance of them having a relationship with him but it does not make things any easier for me.

I also agree with Wirral and have the same view that, although I am sure it must be tough for him to hand them back and have much less contact with them, ...the minute he made his decision to walk away with another woman should have made him realise that he chose his pain! I did not chose to have the children taken away from me where I have no idea where they are, what they are doing, if they are safe...yes, hopefully I can trust him being their dad ....but they are still my babies and you can't help strong maternal feelings can you!

I think it's easier to leave them with friends, family etc because you know exactly where they are, what they are doing and that you can collect them at any time you want to!

I do not contact my dd's at all when they are with their dad because I don't want them to miss me if they are not....they know they can contact me at any time. I have never bothered my exh either but what is really painful is the handful of times (in 4 years!) that I have text him because I'm really struggling or asking if they phoned when I received a 'missed call' and just asking if they are ok.....and he NEVER REPLIES!

It does get a little easier with time and I'm sure as they get older it will be easier to let go more too.....but for now I guess we just have to smile and get on with it....Mine are back at 4pm instead of 10am, so it's a long day for me today...but I've just spent an hour or so on here!!

It's great to know there are others feeling the same way....let's all support one another.

xx

[fadaoriana]

Hi Chasingsquirrels, just to say I DO UNDERSTAND all your feelins because I had them too. Now things have gone better for me because my kids don´t see their father anymore. In your case, the pain and the tears are more than normal, are the only possible thing to feel. You must find sometihng to do in those days, don´t stay at home, it will be worse because of the sorrow. Being with a friend, goig for shopping, gardening, etc, just DO something or you will get mad with it. I send you my bog hug of undertanding. xxx

[wirral]

Chasingsquirrels, I know exactly how you feel, I feel exactly the same. My ex left me. He is desperate to see our daughter. We have fought and fought over contact arrangements. They are now sorted out.

I HATE the fact that I am deprived of our daughter's company and like you felt desperatly sad when she is away from me. His choice and I feel that it is unfair that I have to lose out on time with our daughter,

I am, however, 2 years down the line of divorce and things are getting easier. I find that the times that I used to dread are getting better. You will be ok. Things will get better. You will find that children dictate eventually where and for how long they go.

Keep your chin up ! You're doing fine1

[ChasingSquirrels]

Foldiroll, no you didn't upset me, you made me think, and I don't think what you were saying applied, but it didn't upset me to think it.

Gilly - yes I know it must be hard for him, although tbh he is probably seeing them as much, if not more, than he did when he lived at home. The father's day thing is difficult, he has been having them fri night/sat, but wanted them sat night/sun because of father's day. I said that was fine but had already accepted the party invite for ds1 before he asked to make the change. Hence he picked them up at 10am today, will drop ds1 at the party and then bring ds2 back here after. But then he hasn't often spent father's day weekend at home anyway as he goes to the le Mans 24 hour with his dad. It is his birthday next week aswell and I can see that will be hard for him.

The gardens were fun, then I went round to my parents for dinner and spent the evening there.

Madamez - I will look forward to the hot date

[gillybean2]

It can be very hard when your children are away from you for whatever reason. But it's more acute when it's something new and something you're not happy about.

I remember the first time I went out for the evening and left my son when he was a baby still. I was literally dragged out by a friend (who didn't have children incidentally) because it would be good for me. I had to come home after only 2 hours because I couldn't handle it. yet another person I know quite happily went away for a long weekend abroad with her husband just two weeks after having their second child and left both children with her mother. She was more worried that people would think she should stay home. We're all different and we all handle different situations in different ways.

Then there were those first few days at play school, pacing up and down, worrying that he would be upset. Rushing down to pick him up half an hour earlier than i needed too and hanging about outside waiting and peeking through the window to check he was ok...

Or the first time he stayed overnight at a friends house. I phoned lots, had he liked the dinner, phoned to say night night, phone later to make sure that he's actually gone to sleep, phoned in teh morning to chekc they'd all slept ok and did I need to come and get him yet or later as we'd agreed... but he was fine, it was me that was having the bad time!

And the first weekend at scout camp I went along each day to help out, but mostly to check he was ok!

All really really difficult but he was happy and in time I got used to it and less worried. Nowadays I can't wait for him to spend a night at a friends, head to scout camp or go to a friends for a couple of hours just so I can get some chores done in peace and/or have some me time to breathe.

I can understand your upset and that you are finding it very hard. Try and remember that the horrible feelings are as bad, if not worse, for their dad. He has to hand them back to you and only gets to see them a couple of times a week. So he will be going through something similar to what you are too. Also it's father's day tomorrow and he has to bring them back to you and spend the evening on his own which will be difficult for him too I should think. Not sure if realising that will make you feel any better or not though!

It will be incredibly hard for you until this settles into a routine. Accept that and don't worry about crying and the feelings you are having now. Gradually you will find yourself thinking about it less and finding yourself busy with other things.

My ds has gone to a birthday party today. I have 4 hours to make a treasure map, colour code 120 lollies and wrap up 100 lucky dip prizes for the PTA summer fundraiser at school next week. Will be much easier without a 'helper' interfering! And it keeps me occupied. Course I should really be doing housework and chores, but they'll keep.

Is there anything you can be doing to keep your mind off things. Open gardens this afternoon will be great. Perhaps see if you can buy a couple of plants and spend the evening working out where in your garden to put them. I can potter in my garden all day given half the chance! Can you not ask your mum to stay over for dinner perhaps to take your mind of things and keep you occupied a little longer?

Also why not look over the children's rooms. Can you use the time to have a clear out? Maybe sort out the clothes they've outgrown, make space in the wardrobe and write a list of things you need to replace with bigger sizes. Or go through the toys and books and work out which ones it's time to pack away and make space for next christmas and birthday. Both jobs much easier done without little ones unpacking everything you've packed away. Might be time to think about redeocrating your son's room too. He's probably of an age where he's keen on something specific now; cars, football, animals etc. Maybe you can work on re-doing his room a little each time he's away. Spend time surfing looking for the perfect duvet set, or picking a new colour scheme for the walls and skirting. Much easier to paint when the chidlren are at their dad's.

Cry all you like. It is hard not too. And one day, still a long time from now but coming closer each day nevertheless, the children will fly the nest and that will be another really tough few days to deal with. But it's what the children need and is part of growing up so we deal with it.

Seeing their dad is very important for them. They love him and he loves them. They love you too, and they'll be home sooner than you realise.

Keep yourself distracted best you can
Take care
Gilly

[Foldiroll]

OK ChasingSquirrels I hope I didn't upset you. It sounds very tough atm and I wouldn't want to make things worse!

I have no direct experience of what you are going through but it DOES truly sound horrible. I suppose I was just seeing if some of your feelings could be rationalised a little. Perhaps they can't, - or perhaps they can but in another way entirely!

You certainly HAVE to find a strategy of dealing with your feelings for your own sake, although to some extent time is a healer! Ranting on MN is certainly a good way for lots of us and I hope you find the sympathy and support you need!

Are you missing your kids more when they are away BECAUSE you have been left by someone you love and take them less for granted than you did!?

I hope things get easier for you!!

[madamez]

You will feel better in time. You really will. There will come a stage when you will happily wave the DC off with their dad who loves them, and enjoy a childfree weekend with your mates, your hobbies, or maybe even a hot date.
It's rotten at the moment, but try to make sure you line up treats for yourself for the times when they are with their dad (food you like, a DVD to watch, a trip out for a meal or a concert or even just a really good engrossing book).

[ChasingSquirrels]

they are 2.4 and 5.8, so no I wouldn't be happy for them to go to scout camp etc. And a few weekends a year is very very different to twice a week every week. Would I be happy for them to go to their grandparent's twice a week? umm, I don't know - maybe for one day I would be happier - but I think that is because I would then know that I could go and get them whenever I wanted to, that they wouldn't HAVE to go, and that it wouldn't be forever (which obviously this won't be - as they will grow up and leave home eventually anyway) but it feels like it at the moment.
ds1 is going to a friend's house on tue after school next week, then I will pick him up and come home ready for their dad to come and get him almost immediately. I don't want him to go to the friend's either as it means I will barely see him from Monday night to Wed after school. BUT I won't stop him going, just like I won't stop him going with his dad. I will however miss him like mad from 3pm-5pm that dad - as that is the time I would normally be with him. I want to ask if I can go round aswell (I know the mum), just so I can be in the same house as him - even though he will be off playing with the friend. But I almost certainly won't as ds2 wouldn't enjoy it and ds1 doesn't need me there.
I am not bitter about ex "having it all", I don't think he is - although I know next to nothing about his life so I obviously don't know that. He seems unhappy.
I am very angry that he has done this without trying to make it work with me, I feel like I do not know the man I have been living with for 17 years. And I miss him.
I am not at all worried about them choosing their dad over me, we are both their parents, we are both (I hope) making it clear that we both love them, that we are both here for them etc. We have agreed that they will live with me, we have agreed the current arrangements for them to see him. And ex's job/life is such that he could not have them all the time, unless he changed his life in a major way - which I can't see happening.

I am obviously very very upset and unhappy, and I might be wrong, but I don't think that you are on track with your comments. I may be wrong.

Anyway, I haven't gone out and garden, but I have stopped crying. I am going now - to eat some choc cake then into the garden.

I know that I am ranting and venting - but I am doing too much of it in rl, and don't want to come across like a broken record. This is a relatively safe place to let it out.

Thanks

[Foldiroll]

ChasingSquirrelss, - it sounds like you're bitter that your ex seems to be 'having it all'. His behaviour has hurt you badly, and you feel that if he left the family, he shouldn't see any of you, - and that he's now getting the best of both worlds!

That must be very hard!

I think handing the kids over is a bit of a red herring tbh. Would you be happy for them to go on a scout camp for a few weekends in a year? Would you be happy if they went to karate in the evenings, or for a regular evening play date?? I expect you would. It is the fact that it is you ex that has got them that you are finding hard, and I don't blame you for an instant!

If I'm right, then you need to recognise THAT first and try to deal with THAT!

Are you also harbouring worries that they'll have too much of a good time with him and choose him over you too? Are you secretly worried about loosing them to him!?

(not trying to upset and know I may be well off track here, - but I expect your emotions and worries are complicated)

[ChasingSquirrels]

and I don't fucking drink so I can't even get blotto - not that that would really make things better, and not swearing at YOU hayley, just venting frustration.
THANK YOU ALL for posting. I should go and do something now - maybe gardening, as all I am doing is sitting here dwelling on it.

[hayley2u]

poor you. go and get a bottlwe of wine, or do things that you cant do when dcs around. my ds go to daddys tonight, and everysat. iwill go see some friends or just chill, try to make most of it. i know its hard though

[ChasingSquirrels]

you know sleepycat I feel like doing that - but won't for lots of reasons, not least that I DO know that it is right that they should see him, he is their dad and I know they love him, I am pretty sure he loves them, and I know that he wouldn't let any harm come to them. If I had ANY doubts about their care while they were with him then there is not a court in the land that could make me hand them over to him.

They go Tue nights and for a 24hr period at the weekend - usually about 5pm-5pm either Fri/Sat or Sat/Sun, but they went this morning this week because of a party ds1 is going to tomorrow.

I do arange stuff, Tue evenings I have been mostly going out for a walk with a friend (excercise and chat) which is something we have been doing for a while. And lots of leaving do's at work at the moment so I have been out quite a few of the Friday's that he has them. I am going to the open gardens in the next village with my mum this afternoon which will be nice. And I am going to find out about a local bridge club - not that I play bridge but I do enjoy playing cards and bridge is the one that people seem to play in clubs. Would much prefer canasta - but the important thing is to arrange something.

I just miss them with a physical ache.

It is probably the realisation that this IS not a temporary thing that is getting me down.

And the one person who I would have fallen back on when the shit hit the fan, the person who I assumed would always be there and whom I could rely on for anything - is the person who is causing the situation.

I do have some other people about, I have 2 very very good friends, my parents (who I get on with well) are nearby and are being fantastic. There are people at work and school mums who are keeping an eye on me, i.e. not lifelong or great friends - but they are there and they do little things that just help - as well as it being nice knownig that someone cares. But despite all that I don't have someone who was my family, and I don't have him by his choice.

[Anna8888]

sleepycat - you can't do that, unless your ex-partner agrees.

[Foldiroll]

Oh ChasingSquirrels, - you're looking at it all wrong!!!

How long are the gone from you for in a typical week?

You're hurt and this situation isn't within your control so you feel helpless. IF it was you that had left him, you'd probably be delighted for a bit of time away from them, and by knowing they are being cared for by probably the best person there is to do it, given that he knows them and their needs, and they love him!

You WILL get used to it. Try and plan something to look forward to for youself at these times, and rather than see it as you loosing something, look at it as you 'gaining' some time to cook, go to the gym, read a novel, catch up with friends, study for something etc etc.